How do you find something when you are not sure where or when you lost it? Have you ever misplaced something and had someone say "well, where did you last use it?" and you want to throttle them???!! I have noticed that I lost something pretty significant lately. And I am not sure when I lost it, where I lost it, and in having those around me (and experts say) 'go back to where you last remember having it' I cannot help but wonder... did I ever have it in the first place?
What happens when you are tired of looking. But I am just so tired of the effort required for the search... That being said, I am still searching really hard to find it. I am not a quitter. The up side to all of this is that in doing so, I am finding all kinds of other things along the way. I have discovered lost parts within myself. I have discovered a new acceptance of parts of me I have otherwise struggled with. I discovered some deep connections with my siblings. I have also discovered some old patterns I don't want to repeat.
I guess come October around the week before the anniversary of my Mum's death I cannot help but look for things that are lost. At least with her death, thanks to her forethought and strength, it is only her physical presence I lost. She left all of us with a beautiful experience of what death can be. She forged deep relationships between all of us kids, and I still have pieces of her with me. Not tears. Not regrets or woulda-coulda-shoulda's. Our end can come at any time. If I was to go to cancer in 15 years like Mum, I would not want to waste time searching for lost things. But trying to build new and get over what is gone. May the good that was in her, the love that I know she had for me, may the angels she so believed in all guide me where I need to go.
All my life I have struggled. But the struggles are not without rewards. I do not expect fewer struggles, just perhaps some help seeing the right path when it appears. More intuition and understanding for that path.
" I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my Mother you'll be". Bob Munsch
