The seasons are changing... so quickly it becomes fall. I had to laugh this morning as I stood at the bus stop with the kids and the rain suddenly began to fall! Then the wind picked up and it felt like a storm was brewing. The laughter came when looking at my trusty hound-- Cricket the Dachshund-- who does not like water! His hair (he is long haired) was getting all kinky, and he had the most forlorn look on his face. As the wind whipped along behind us (and the back of me got quite wet) he plodded along without his usual vim and vigour. What a 180 from the way Hailey (our old Golden) was! Can't wait to see what he does with snow! If it gets too deep his legs won't work as his belly will sit on the snow!!!!

Now, he is not a totally ridiculous dog as he is a standard, not a mini. And boy can he dig and chew like a big dog. And when he wrestles, he chooses big dogs to play with! The best part of Cricket is that as I work in my office, he lays on the couch beside my desk waiting for me to finish. He is happy to be the weiner when I snuggle my daughter and he is between the two of us. Like a baby he is! How can you not love a dog who makes you chuckle just by virtue of his silly good looks!!??

Comfort of the Dark

I am always amazed at how many people are scared by the dark. Perhaps my lack of fear goes back to all the time I spent back country camping up north and canoe tripping as a kid at camp. Tonight I took the dog out quickly down the street to the park. Lucky for me our street backs onto farmer's fields, we are on the edge of town so I get a bit of dark. In the dark it is almost like you can connect with the elements in a more basic level. Cold droplets of rain striking your face as the wind whips through your hair. The cold of your hands while the rest of you is wrapped in a jacket (man, I actually thought of mitts as I walked the dog) and how good it feels to run and chase your dog in the park like a total nut... Don't mind the rain. Don't mind the snow. Don't mind much as long as I can dress for it! And I always like the feelings of the weather that much better at night. Resting in a tent, walking down the street, sitting on the deck enjoying the dark wrapping around you.

There is a wisdom here
That a man needs learn.
To live in one place
For a thousand years,
Maintaining balance with ones surroundings,
Remaining healthy, Providing shelter, security and nourishment
For other forms of life.
And when death finally comes,
Leaving the place not impoverished
But richer and gentler for your being there
Is a feat which has been beyond the grasp
Of any of man’s ages,
Yet has been an integral part
Of this trees consciousness
For millennia.

Tom Bender Environmental Design Primer, Schocken Books, 1973

The Past, Present and Future

For me, the past has passed. Most of it I try not to remember. Only specific experiences of my childhood can be identified as really good and happy. Things like camp, at the cottage and playing with my brother. I have few, if any, really concrete 'happy sensation' memories of my parents. Amazing to think I relied more on my brother than any other adult. I learned very early on that adults were not particularly reliable.

And yet, I have gone on to become a balanced and fairly emotionally stable adult. If I think too long on things past/passed, I begin to see the losses and murkiness that lays there. Instead I am choosing to take those things as 'lessons' and move forward. I revel knowing that my own children have reached an age where I had already learned about fear and let-downs, and they know none. All is stable. That alone I figure is worth something! I will never regret taking the time to build that foundation for them. Yet sometimes, often as I approach the date of my Mum's death, I think on the losses.

But today is the focus. The present and immediate future is not only something I can see, taste, feel and hear.... but also something over which I have control. Ironically, that need for control of self/emotions/situation/independance has come from those past lessons. For today I can choose to wear a smile. Today I noted that a tree on my block has changed colour. It turns the 'best' scarlet I have ever seen, year after year. I smile at the sweetness of my bestfriend's little boy as he plays cars contentedly. I smile at my luck to be healthy, with friends and a job I love.

The future is harder. For years, I have dreamed and felt sure I was not intended to make it past my early 30's. How weird eh? And yet, I have hit the mid 30's in one piece. Unlike so many people I struggle to imagine a future beyond professional goals for the next 10 years. I see a blank space. But now I have tasted the sweetness of happiness and love. I know it can find us anywhere and everywhere. My heart and soul and conscious being are open to life's little things. The past has passed, the present is here and being lived authentically, and the future.... may it bring only what I want most. Happiness.

Authenticity of Self

definition of Authenticity: The quality of being genuine or not corrupted from the original; Truthfulness of origins, attributions, commitments, sincerity, and intentions

So what does it mean to 'find your authentic self'? My perspective is that it is to dig deeply to the core to reveal that which you are. To hold true to that. After struggling through my 34th year, I feel that like my waterlily, I have blossomed after years of struggling upwards through the muck, water and cross currents. I am ready to discover that authentic self and ask myself the difficult questions and face the answers.

"It requires the courage to ask yourself the hard questions and be completely honest with yourself about what is truly important to you in life and how you can live your Highest Good. It's following your heart's wisdom, living your Truth, and being real in every sense."

I think I am ready for this. Many transitions have begun leaving me feeling scared and unsettled, yet in simple moments (like when I was walking the dog on the trail) I have felt supremely centred and ready for taking this new path. One such moment of nerves occurred at my first class last night. It is a course that I will commit significant amounts of time to for the next 40 or so weeks, and officially marks my intent to leave teaching and start a new career path. I felt terrified by the committment, the hours, the weeks.... yet when we came back to class and I listened to fellow classmates reasons for being there I was inspired. I was surrounded by the kind of people I knew would build me up with themselves. There was positivity. The prof and program coordinator was one I both admire and feel inspired by. I knew then that the fear was of taking the first step on a new path, not of the course itself. The fear of the unknown and what this trail might reveal. I am committing to the following as I strive towards living authentically-- in the purpose and reason for my existence--

• FIND THE ROOT
• MANAGE AROUND THE FEAR
• DROP SELF-DOUBT
• APPRECIATE YOUR UNIQUENESS
• STOP STRUGGLING
• ENJOY THE MOMENT
• TAKE TIME
• STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE
• SIMPLIFY
• SPEND MORE TIME IN NATURE.

Emotional Centre

There is nothing like a rainy day and something bad happening to remember where that centre is. To let the tears fall like the rain. Dripping downwards like droplets against a window. I think the physical centre for emotion lies in the little crevice at the base of my throat, then extends outwards and clutches involuntarily within my chest. Objectively I know it is part of a whole. A larger plan. Subjectively, it is seems pain, sadness, disappointment let us know we are alive. To never feel the depths of loss is to not appreciate the found. Loss somehow seems to be a litmus test. The test questions being (1) did you try? (2) did you live? (3) did you learn? (4) did you risk? If you answer yes to the above, I suppose one could say the pain at least is not one that is due to not living fully.

So in my sadness and confusion, I am reeling and feel physically ill. But I also know I lived, I risked, I tried, I learned. And what is to be will be.

Still Got It...

I had an afternoon of touching that feeling you have when you are a kid. The 'moment', the pure enjoyment.... What triggered it? Leading a mountain biking trail ride with a pack of pre-teen kids. I admit, when I arrived on site I was a little concerned I would be too tame for these kids, as they tricked out and did jumps. But when I hit the trail I remembered why I love this kind of biking. It is a thinking and focused endeavor. You have to use eyes to see roots and rocks, and still be planning your course ahead. When you get straightaways you muscle it and feel the burn. On inclines to crouch low into your bike and feel the texture of the ground through the vibrations of your bike. Delicious. "Going the Distance" was playing in my head as I lead the pack of boys.... eager to show me up.

They deftly manouver and muscle for rank,
Fuel burning fast on an empty tank,
Wreckless and wild they pour thru the turns,
Their prowess is potent and secretly stern

Yet, it was not I asking for a break at the end of trail one. Score one for the old lady..... YEAH! When we reached the final trail and were winding through switchbacks I actually yelled aloud from the sheer enjoyment of it. Damn, it was that good. Have to figure out ways to get that sensation more often. When we got back to site the kids guzzled drinks, and I stretched. I took out two more runs of kids and by the end of the day felt tired, exhilarated and good-- I still got it. Baby.

Precious

I was thinking as I lay in bed this morning of the things that are indescribable or so delicious in their sensation...

• snuggling a sleeping child curled against you
• the gap between being asleep and fully awake in the morning
• laying in a tent, snuggled in a sleeping bag at dawn with cold air nipping your nose.
• a kiss that is done just so, that touches and draws and makes you want more
• having my neck and ears rubbed
• being happy and driving with the music blasting and having no thoughts except the moment
• skinny dipping at night
• curled up reading a great book with sun streaming in a window
• entwined limbs when you fit against someone just so
• being hugged and feeling completely enveloped and safe
  

On being an adult...

Remember when being an adult was so appealing? When it seemed to be the place 'to be' in life? To make your own choices, to lead your own life, to be your own wo/man? Yah, me too. Not all it's cracked up to be is it?

I look at my kids, and am amazed. They are fabulous, wonderful little creatures who have changed me immeasurably. The depth of love for your children is indescribable. The stress they bring indescribable too!! I look at the path my life has taken from one place to another and am beginning to see the flow... the lines are beginning to connect between the dots. I am seeing the reasons behind the lessons I have had to learn, both good and bad.

Yet, I sit here today (and honestly the last few) wishing I could revert to being about 7 or 8 years old. Back when clothes were clean, meals served, you went to summer camp, played outside and your brother was one of your best friends and life was pretty simple. No big emotional questions loomed. No threats of failure. This being an adult is not all it is cracked up to be.

I remember when I had Liam (the preemie) at the paediatrician's and she told me "only one area of the brain can develop at a time. If he is making major cognitive developments, the motor skills will be on hold". Why bring this up? Because I wonder if this rings true for life as an adult. When you experience professional success, the other areas get put on hold. Should you be kicking personal life ass, the rest will likely suck....

Damn, I wish there was a guidebook, a trail map, a list of rules or go to's for life as an adult. Being true to yourself is easier said than done. Still trying and striving for this while minimizing potential harm to those around me.

Sigh. Please can I just go back to grade 3?