A corner turned

My path is one that seems curvy and twisted. Never quite sure where it will go. Yet, when I reach a fork in the road I am able to be decisive and make choices. They sometimes take a while, but I tend to be rational and weigh things out. Eventually doing what I feel in my gut. Recently I made one of those tough turns. It was such a hard choice to leave a marriage when I was still good friends with this person. I admit to questioning my own sanity! However, I knew it was right. Over time as we sorted things out, I recognized and appreciated more and more the person to whom I had been married to for over a decade. What a good person, great parent, decent person he is, was and continues to be. We are not the norm of people separating, I know this. What feels so good in this whole process is that as I explain to lawyers or accountants that we ARE not out to screw each other, WE TALK each day, and we RESPECT each other that we are so lucky. But also, we chose to be this way. I see that I am at a corner now where I can turn away from the marriage part, but feel good knowing the path I am taking also has him as a friend. While the state of marriage has changed, we have changed, our values remain similar and what we want as parents for our kids is still the same. I feel so positive that while something is ending, the possibility of something positive still being there.

Whatever the Weather

Its better together.... the weather that is. At the baseball tournament for my kids on Saturday we were dumped on. Torrential rain. More rain than I have seen or felt in such a long time. The feeling of being totally wet, shoes sloppy, and recognizing more wet isnt really an issue... is a good thing. The hoots and tee hee's as little kids ran for the grandstands. The leaping and re-routing around parking lot rivers is always fun when you have a giggling child beside you. Yet one more reason to appreciate having your kids around. They ground you, keep you in the moment, and allow you to laugh at the moment at hand.

Sunday came with mid-night storms and a lovely coolness in the morning. As the day went on the sun shone and I felt great. Ideas bursting from my head, begging to be paid attention to. At work, at play, everywhere. Whatever the weather, there is joy to be found. Happiness in the moment. People around you who bring new insight and possibilities.

Uncertain is life. Transition is constant or we would be stagnant. Can I predict tomorrow or the next? Not likely, and since I have made hard choices I feel like I am being true and that ahead of me is nothing I cannot handle. That is a good feeling.

Sides to a story... yours, mine and the truth!

I had to smile when I can across the sentence I used as the title for my post. How true! No story or experience is black and white. It is similar to how people can give eye witness accounts of an event and they can all vary radically! So it all comes to the question I puzzled on last night.... yes, there is more than one side to a story but how legitimate or important are the other sides anyway?? Once an experience has happened, hearing another side of what occurred cannot change how you felt that situation. To my mind, it does hold value as it can lessen or intensify the importance of that experience. It can shed additional light, or add new knowledge yet what is done cannot be undone. And in the end, it is the individual who gets to decide how they choose to absorb or ignore it.

I've been reading Marc Gafni's book "Soul Prints" and have found it so useful in this past year. His perspective on the importance of our unique soul print and how hurt occurs when we reach out with soul and are not recieved touched me. I thought on when perhaps I have tried to fit others into my concept of them instead of discovering how they themselves concieved of their unique self. I pondered over this and the situations I had passed an opportunity by, or I had been passed by. In the end, as he says..."It may be true that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line but that is only in geometry. In the complex calculus of life we create complex equations that yeild unpredictable results. The only legitimate fear in life should be that you are living the wrong story. To succeed in a story not your own is failure".

Those wise words have resonated within me. Each step I take is towards something. It may mean nothing to others yet in the end, that matters little as it is my path and my life story I am constructing. I don't want to create for anyone, only share. Be that ear, the mirror reflecting back the good in others they don't see, be the encouragement. Positive. Connector. Being no one else but the authentic and flawed me is beautiful. I finally feel like life is a custom made garment. I don't want to wear anyone elses clothes anymore, mine feel too good. I see the flaws, the imperfections and I strive to make them beautiful rather than hide them. My side of the story is a deep and winding story. Some day I hope to find someone I can truly share it in open honesty. In the mean time, I carry myself forward with an optimism for all that is yet to come.

Lessons... Not hurts so much.

Well all, or all of you who read this and say oh oh, she hurts! I am not so much hurting as I am learning and struggling to find where I stand in my 'new' old life.

I spent lots of time with myself on Sunday. Had a fantastic nights sleep and you know what? Maybe not getting enough good sleeps is part of the problem!!! I am like a little kid!

So what conclusions have I come to?
1. I am strong and have my head on pretty tight. This does not preclude me from being naive now and again however!
2. I have made the right decisions and given ample thought to them.
3. Even when decisions are right, you still question the what if's.
4. Self Esteem can be strong in some areas and fragile in others
5. Life is not predictable or even controllable at times, but it is good.

Being at peace and being who you are, that is, being yourself, are one. ~Eckhart Tolle

Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek & find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it ~Rumi

I believe the two quotes above speak strongly to me and my need to focus on being alone and working on my inner self so that I am able to embrace intimacy of the heart when it comes my way and be able to accept all that I am and is around me.

Transitions

Transitions and change ain't easy. Usually I am eager for change. Then it sets in and the tough transitions start. I feel caught in nowhere land as I separate from the life I know and forge forward into a new space. It is so hard. I don't have regrets really, and I feel great about the choices I have made. That said, there are parts of the situation that make me sad. Like disapointing others. Hurting others at their heart level. Or just plain not being who they thought I was. Sigh. My own Pandora's box is wide open. I have seen the contents and I have hope and faith it will all work out. It will. But, I am stumbling and getting bruised and cut on the way there!

I am feeling a bit used today. Used by someone that I mis-read. Allowed myself to believe that what they said was true. Only to have them go squirrelly on the other side. I thought a lot on it last night and realized it was disappointment in myself to some degree. To be used, you have to put yourself out there. I put myself out there and was genuine in intent. I wanted friendship. The irony is the other person confessed others had told her they felt used by her. At that time I thought "huh" to myself. Now I get it. I allowed myself to believe that what she said was true. I now feel used and wonder if it was all just a game. See who we can lure in and get what we want.

Never thought I was this gullible. Guess it is a learning experience. While I may be what I am, and say who I am, and be totally upfront... most who make that claim are not. They say it hoping that it may be true. I guess I feel shamed that I was fooled, my self-esteem deflated somewhat (which is dumb) and sad because I really thought this person was pretty cool and that there were some great opportunities for shared experiences.

So in the midst of my transition I think I will retreat and put on a bit of armour. I think I underestimated my own vulnerability in a place I thought I wasn't. Chalk one up on the list of learning! Just writing this feels better, and I know as the days pass I will look back with more clarity.

Ah HAH! I knew there had to be a reason!

And who knows, I may even be engaging in a confirmation bias by feeling releived that there is a scientific explanation for the puzzling over people I have been doing!

So, confirmation bias eh? What is it? Quite simple actually. It is our own tendency to look for, put too much weight on, and recall preferentially information which supports our pre-existing or initial hypothesis.

WHAT you say?? How does this apply to your thinking on people? Quite simply, we see what we want to see and ignore for a long time that which we don't. We create an ideal person or mate or friend where perhaps the less than ideal traits in reality outweigh the fabulous. Now you get it.

Yup, I know I am guilty of this. My highly empathetic nature and willingness to looking deeply at a person to assess them is a great thing, at times. It allows me to see and appreciate even those people who are awful on the outside. It is also a drawback as it can make me overly sensitive. I am guilty though of acting on those initial "vibes" and feelings I get. From someone's energy and person. All of a sudden I began to see how just maybe, I had done this in a couple of significant relationships in the last while.

As we evolve and become more self aware we understand our needs and wants better. That said, we still fall prey to this confirmation bias. We meet that person who demonstrates an ability to fufill the need currently on our mind. At that moment we decide ahhhh... this clicks. Time goes by and we ignore the differences until they get prickly. As we pull away we are able to be more objective. And here is where that saying "hindsight is 20/20". With hindsight, we are able to examine our recollections and recognize their selectivity. Ahh.

So here is the question? How the heck do I avoid this with people so as not to get hurt? Not sure you can. But recognizing it, appreciating it and seeing it around me makes me more aware of my own limitations which maybe, might be protection in itself.

For more info : Science Daily

Into the Unknown : Have Courage

What a wonderful post I read today on a blog I follow. It was the reading that sparked a moment of realization for me. The discomfort I felt last night was due to the unknown. The unknown heart and mind of another. The unknown intent of those around us. The unknown route of the path that I am on.

It is when you begin to feel stable that life seems to send you a wobble! When perhaps, you are confronted with reconciling the person you think you are with the person circumstances reflect back to you. It is the challenge to validate the emotions we have swirling and roiling at times in our bellies. Challenge as by validating them we are accepting they exist even if they are less than flattering. Anger, jealously, envy, fear, animosity. And funny enough, we are so hard on ourselves for having these feelings but if you voiced it to a friend they would probably understand. Nod their head, and if they were wise say something about determining whether it is a valid emotion or a roadblock you have created for yourself.

I know I create my own roadblocks and pitfalls. Yet when I work/act from my heart (my lily.... smile) beautiful souls come in. People who shine. A few such people have come my way like this lately. The impulse to reach out is strong. All I am doing is soul-ful in that I am acting with the inner me and less the socialized rational me. And it feels so good.

So. Into the unknown I tread. I have no roadmap or guide. No guide beyond my own heart, soul and experiences. All I have to lose is perhaps a piece of my heart here and there, but in that pain comes beauty and I think.... I think I am willing to risk it after being closed for so long.

My thought for today from Bill Ferguson ... As your walls of protection come down, you create love.
We put up our walls of protection to avoid hurt, but the hurt we are avoiding isn't outside ourselves, it's inside. So instead of keeping the hurt out, our walls of protection keep the hurt in. Instead of protecting us, our walls push away love, create opposition, and bring us more hurt.

The most powerful protection doesn't come from your walls, It comes from your love. When you open your heart and express love, you melt opposition.

Now look in the face of someone who is open with little or no walls of protection. What do you see? This type of person is happy and alive. This person has freedom, inner peace and a joy for living.

When You Open Yourself Up....

The most amazing things come your way. The most incredible people come your way. The experiences you were afraid to admit you wanted present themselves as opportunities.

I am exhausted today... bone weary. New job, sick kids, not enough quality sleep and stress is catching up with me. And yet, here is the kicker. I am happy. I feel such gratitude for the open doors around me and the people who have walked through them lately. For the generosity they have shown me. Strangely enough, the cracking open of a guarded part of me I had not known I had guarded. It scares me to open that up, but if I am to fully experience it is part of the deal! Don't get without giving right?

Today I want to say thank you to the "universe"...

Thank you for the people you send my way
Thank you for the kindness they bring
Thank you for the strength I feel deep within
Thank you for opening opportunities up to me
Thank you for the chances I keep getting which reaffirm that my path is the right one for me, no matter how difficult

Namaste
"I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Integrity, of Wisdom and of Peace. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One."
Ram Dass

Back to thinking on Beauty

I walked under my garden arbour covered on one side by a lovely clematis and then stopped. The blossoms were so plentiful. The purple so intense and lush. Stamens delicate and curled. Beautiful.

Then there is the beauty of a sleeping child. Curled amongst pillows and sheets with their hair curled against their cheeks, dark lashes, one hand flung outward and completely relaxed. Or the beauty of a moment -- when caught in traffic my son said cheekily, "Its a peanut-butter-jam of cars!". Ahh. Clever. Playing with words.

Or the beauty you feel inside when you know some things are just right. Just so. Falling into place and you are connected in a way you only dreamed of. Not everything can feel this way... can't have it all! BUT, some compartments of your life can feel just right and beautiful. Making the other parts more bearable.

The first lines of "A Thing of Beauty" by John Keats:

A thing of beauty is a joy for ever:
Its lovliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness; but still will keep

Baby Shoes

"You can't fit back into your baby shoes. That's why you feel so uncomfortable, because they restrict, and don't fit you anymore". This was the advice given to me by a counsellor when I explained strains in family relationships. The root of the lesson was when we fall into old patterns though comfortable initially, they in the end will not and cannot fit where we now are.

What good advice it was. I know that I often am tempted to turn to the familiar and known path when faced with a choice of directions. And yet, I know that the best adventures and people are found when you choose the unknown. I am right now choosing the unknown in my personal life and its really quite terrifying and yet also freeing. It would be so much easier to do what others want or expect of me and ignore that voice telling me to step off the path. In my personal life I am now realizing that I am not giving up, but instead being brave enough to go for what I want and try to build a new structure for how I relate with loved ones.

"You're not a good faker" I have been told. True True. I'm not. When I am excited and enthusiastic I shine with it. When sad or struggling, I retreat inside puzzling things out. Whatever it is, I am. I have given up trying to be anyone but me and in that trying to be "me" I have made a number of major errors. I carry the weight of regret in my heart, though those hurt probably will never know. Perhaps with time the regret will feel more like a lesson and I will be able to nod "ah hah" instead of just saying I have learned and feeling vaguely shamed.

What it comes down to is I want to own both my past, present and future and know that I did what I needed to do. I didnt live for someone else. That I was brave (and maybe foolish) enough to go for what I want. So that as an old lady in the rocker on the porch, I can look back and see the joys, lessons, relationships and know I TRIED.

What kind of message are we sending?

So I heard on the news this week that the highschool of Burton Cummings gave him a ceremony and presented him with his highschool diploma. What are we saying here? Drop out and get famous.... you get the piece of paper. Screw the hard work. He did say "Dropping out isnt for everyone. For every one person who drops out and gets famous there are 5 or 6 thousand who fail." Thanks Burton. Words of wisdom. Can you be my valedictorian?? Yay to the highschool for glorifying someone for their LACK of sticking to it at highschool. I hate honorary degrees. Come on. WORK FOR IT! Stick at it.

Then again. Who am I kidding. As if any kid in highschool even has a clue who Burton Cummings is!