"You can't fit back into your baby shoes. That's why you feel so uncomfortable, because they restrict, and don't fit you anymore". This was the advice given to me by a counsellor when I explained strains in family relationships. The root of the lesson was when we fall into old patterns though comfortable initially, they in the end will not and cannot fit where we now are.
What good advice it was. I know that I often am tempted to turn to the familiar and known path when faced with a choice of directions. And yet, I know that the best adventures and people are found when you choose the unknown. I am right now choosing the unknown in my personal life and its really quite terrifying and yet also freeing. It would be so much easier to do what others want or expect of me and ignore that voice telling me to step off the path. In my personal life I am now realizing that I am not giving up, but instead being brave enough to go for what I want and try to build a new structure for how I relate with loved ones.
"You're not a good faker" I have been told. True True. I'm not. When I am excited and enthusiastic I shine with it. When sad or struggling, I retreat inside puzzling things out. Whatever it is, I am. I have given up trying to be anyone but me and in that trying to be "me" I have made a number of major errors. I carry the weight of regret in my heart, though those hurt probably will never know. Perhaps with time the regret will feel more like a lesson and I will be able to nod "ah hah" instead of just saying I have learned and feeling vaguely shamed.
What it comes down to is I want to own both my past, present and future and know that I did what I needed to do. I didnt live for someone else. That I was brave (and maybe foolish) enough to go for what I want. So that as an old lady in the rocker on the porch, I can look back and see the joys, lessons, relationships and know I TRIED.
