Transitions and change ain't easy. Usually I am eager for change. Then it sets in and the tough transitions start. I feel caught in nowhere land as I separate from the life I know and forge forward into a new space. It is so hard. I don't have regrets really, and I feel great about the choices I have made. That said, there are parts of the situation that make me sad. Like disapointing others. Hurting others at their heart level. Or just plain not being who they thought I was. Sigh. My own Pandora's box is wide open. I have seen the contents and I have hope and faith it will all work out. It will. But, I am stumbling and getting bruised and cut on the way there!
I am feeling a bit used today. Used by someone that I mis-read. Allowed myself to believe that what they said was true. Only to have them go squirrelly on the other side. I thought a lot on it last night and realized it was disappointment in myself to some degree. To be used, you have to put yourself out there. I put myself out there and was genuine in intent. I wanted friendship. The irony is the other person confessed others had told her they felt used by her. At that time I thought "huh" to myself. Now I get it. I allowed myself to believe that what she said was true. I now feel used and wonder if it was all just a game. See who we can lure in and get what we want.
Never thought I was this gullible. Guess it is a learning experience. While I may be what I am, and say who I am, and be totally upfront... most who make that claim are not. They say it hoping that it may be true. I guess I feel shamed that I was fooled, my self-esteem deflated somewhat (which is dumb) and sad because I really thought this person was pretty cool and that there were some great opportunities for shared experiences.
So in the midst of my transition I think I will retreat and put on a bit of armour. I think I underestimated my own vulnerability in a place I thought I wasn't. Chalk one up on the list of learning! Just writing this feels better, and I know as the days pass I will look back with more clarity.
