Creativity...

As I have felt disconnected with my own creativity for the last month, I started thinking on it. What is it? Why am I struggling to get 'at it'? I stumbled across a definition I really like :

"We are born as artists. You, at this moment, have this creative force churning within you. You know it as an urge. Your challenge is always the same: it is to risk being you" (Jerry Fresia)

I really like this as I frequently feel my creative endeavours, whatever they might be, are substandard or really not exhibiting the talent as compared to others. When you look up creativity, you realize it is not about being an 'artist' but about having a diferent mindset and approach to things. In that sense, I **am** creative. Being a 'solution finder' is what I do best. Give me a problem, a challenge, a mountain and i will find you possible solutions, people to assist in endeavor, or a possible route for the trek. It is this creative challenge I revel in and lust for. When I am around people who dream big, think bigger and see the whole picture, not just a frame... I feel alive.

Perhaps I need to find more of these kindred spirits. Since my committment to positivity I have ixnayed the negative forces (people included) out of my life where I can. Anyone know how to create a magnetic force for creative types? I guess that is why I love learning and school. Being energized by those around you who share a passion or committment. Diverse people, styles and knowledge.... all there for you to learn from.

I am thinking it is life that has a tendency to suck the creativity out with the demands of the day-to-day. Ms. KLC needs to carve a better space for that creativity to come out. Always it seems that other things trump it.... SOOOOO

1. Guess I am going to have to PLAN for the creativity space like I do working out
2. Commit to a project
3. Stop feeling less than successful by comparing my attempts to others

I hereby announce my intentions.....

Do the Ends Justify the Means?

This is the question that struck me as being the overwhelming question hidden within the Shakespearean play "Julius Caesar" which I saw on Sunday. Noble intent may exist, but even purest intent can wreck havoc. Brutus was a man of ideals, of pure heart and unsoiled reputation. Yet, he was convinced to stand forward and make a political move that was swift and harsh. Those who pressed him forward were less than pure of heart and mind. Brutus loved Caesar, but loved the higher ideal more. A noble intent, yet the result of his noblest of intents was civil war within a country, the death of fellow senators (i.e. Cicero) and the suicide of his brother Cassius. Truly, did the ends justify the means? Can we only decide this in retrospect when we have the space and time necessary to be objective?

Does using dirty campaign money become okay if in the end you as a politician, put forward policies which bring the common good to the forefront?

Would cutting off a thief's hands be justified by their inability to steal any further?

Or more difficult, are the telling of white lies or lies of omission justified by the avoidance of pain/upset given to others?

As you begin to see, there is not an absolute. Initially my response was that the ends cannot justify the means, and yet I omit things that are hurtful from conversation all the time. Ethics are far from simple, the same for politics. Thanks to Shakespeare for creatively making us think on them.

Can't always get what you want

.... that is today's thought and song that popped to mind. Funny. It is appropriate. There are a few things I want really really badly right now. None of which are material. Am I weird because I don't really lust for the material but long for things intangible?

Keep reminding myself there is a bigger plan, even if I cannot see it right now. Live the now, feel the feelings, celebrate the now, trust that the path will be more evident as I travel along it... I hope.

Ch-Ch-changes.... time to face the strange...

Pretty soon you're gonna get older
Time may change me
But you can't trace time....

How does time change us? What is time? Is it linear with yesterday today and tomorrow or is it something far less classifiable? Something that is infinite and yet finite in the moment? Are we the sum of the moments or the value of individual moments?

Isnt it interesting that we are such slaves to time. Our own invention. We set ourselves up for "when I do this, then I can do that..." or "when I am suchandsuch an age I will..." Hmm. Perhaps it is this relentless pursuit of things in order to build toward something else that strips the actual meaning from life. This is hardly my idea... I was listening to philosopher Mark Rowlands last night. He made a good point... we go to school and work hard so we can get into University. We get into University and work hard for a good job. The good job is had to get the house. The house is had to get the.... and so on. STOP!!! Why must everything lead to another? We force everything. Are so afraid to go with our guts and listen to the soul.

And I can say this. I am listening to my soul, finally feeling things I have hidden. Giving way to time and letting things bubble forth. Ruminating on it. Rolling with the moment more. Feeling the energy in what I do and what I choose. Finally seeing some of the path that my life has taken and seeing the interweaving of experiences to bring me to the now. The good, the bad. The mistakes, the success. All is relative, and relative in time. Time mellows us, softens the memories. Gilds the good, adds a haze to the bad. What is time but a natural force we cannot stop, cannot harness, cannot see nor taste-- yet it is present -- indisputable in its presence.

We change. We flow. People talk of time being a river. Perhaps it is a water cycle instead. Changes forms, melding into different places, affecting situations differently, yet always returning as water at some point. We change, we affect and effect, yet we always return to being who we are-- whether you are brave enough to look inside or not.

Amazing...

After thinking on the nature of friendships, people who affect us, and not being the same afterwards.... I saw David Suzuki on Saturday.

WOW wow wow wow. What an incredibly dynamic speaker. You feel like he is speaking directly to you, with you, engaging you. His message was dark and dire. MOVE OUR ASSES AND MAKE SOME CHANGE!!! I agree. What I found most interesting was how he spoke about our skewed perception of "Economy" and how it has become something feared, worshipped and placated not unlike the demons/dragons/ghosts of old. He reminded us that the 'economy' is a post-war planned economy- we created it! We placed the values on items. We created the obsession with growth, and never counted the environmental costs -- they were externalities. But how can you discount the costs associated with natural resource use, or dealing with the given product at the end of its life cycle?? How can an apple from New Zealand cost less than a $1 when it is picked, graded, flown for almost a day, then handled yet again at a depot and sent out to stores. That is simply impossible. Is the true cost calculated? What about the impact of shipping? Who pays for the fuel's impact? Truly that apple should cost closer to $50.

His message was clear... we need to act now. We are teetering on a precipice. Never in history has change occurred this quickly-- it is not normal. His analogy was that we have partied without care for costs or clean up for decades, guess what? Pay up and clean up time. Parties cannot be afforded to go on and on....

I took away that I need to make some plans to:
1. Make personal changes and decisions
2. Make committment to activism within my own immediate circle
3. Make strides towards impacting change within my direct community
4. Get involved politically to force what needs to be the most important topic in the front.

Some people come into our lives, leave footprints in our heart, and we are never the same....

I believe in this. There are people I have known a long time who have not touched me in the way perhaps as someone, who I only knew a short. These footprints on our hearts, on our soul, stay there.

Missing people I think is related to this. The more significantly they touch you, the higher they climb over your walls or perhaps penetrate the fortress.... the more you miss them. I think we all want to be truly known. To be understood, and still loved or appreciated despite our weaknesses. I know I do. I struggle with letting people in. I can count on one hand (I think) those that truly 'get' me and have scaled the walls and admitted entry. And still not run away terrified!

Lately I have been missing someone who got past this wall. Who saw me. For which I am glad to have had the time I did, but struggle because once they are gone there is nothing but the footprints left. And memories fade over weeks, months, years..... We begin to bronze those memories, losing their truthful essence and link to reality. I hate that. Yet, I guess I will take what I have and live with what remains. I am so glad my memories are so visually intense and that sometimes, in that space before you fall asleep or wake, you can recall those images in vivid colour. For a brief moment.

My heart aches, my soul longs. To be known that way, to be able to pick up the phone, to touch them or write a letter. The things we don't save, but part of us wishes we had.

**Addendum: I ran into a kindred spirit from 12+ yrs ago today. Amazing. We have reconnected when we had lost touch for so many years....

Thankful For...

...the strength of my body that allows me to run, jump and be silly with my kids
...being able to go outside and see stars filling a dark sky
...having loved and lost, and have learned from it
...becoming increasingly self aware, even though it's not easy sometimes
...the family I have (good bad and ugly!)
...the ability to change and learn
...having a job that challenges me, fufills me and has opened new possibilities to me
...music and art for the way it enriches my senses
...the natural world and how it connects and grounds me in its power

Guilt and Forgiveness

So-- guilt is a huge part of who I am. I hang on to things I have done wrong far longer than is probably necessary. Incidentally, in researching this, it appears there is a psychological term used "overguilt". So if "guilt is an affective state in which one experiences conflict at having done something that one believes one should not have done and it gives rise to a feeling which does not go away easily, driven by 'conscience'." Then it is to be assumed that overguilt is an extension of this to an unhealthy point. Incidentally, when it comes to misdoings with people and feelings come into play-- I fall into the overguilt category. I think I have a physical need for others to extend forgiveness or perhaps, acceptance of my screw up.

Another scholar says that this type of guilt is self-inflicted and usually based on an individuals higher expectations of themselves, than they hold others up to. People like me seem to lack the ability to allow for personal mistakes. I would have to agree. Screw ups keep me up at night when they are involving people. I could do something completely wrong elsewhere, and it would not bother me. When it involves people I am a mess. Which, totally reflects my personality assessment I got back yesterday!

So here is the recipe for assuaging guilt (apparently) and what needs to happen:

Regret- A recognition of the wrong doing and appreciation for impact
Repentance-Making an apology
Restitution or Redress-ahhhh, the tricky one when it only involves people, not the physical
Rehabilitation- An honest, sincere, and ongoing attempt to not repeat the mistake.

I can do all, wish there was a simple solution for the restitution part when people's emotions or feelings are involved. Perhaps the 'time heals all wounds' comes into play? I hate saying I am wrong and admitting my failings, yet, I force myself to do it in every situation. The emotional beating I give myself when I f**k up is extensive and thorough. I wish I could be as forgiving of myself as I am of others. Probably would be better for my mental health. I am struggling. I truly do learn from my mistakes and can do the 'intellectualizing' of the situation. It doesn't really help that glob of guilt which sits in my chest under my waterlily. Guess the guilt thing is one area I will continue to have to work on.

Benefits of Driving

.... benefits beyond a stiff back and flabby rear!! The benefits being catching amazing programs on the CBC. On Monday I caught an incredible interview with Margaret Visser, an author who wrote a book all about how we express "thanks". Her book is called The Gift of Thanks: The roots, persistence, and paradoxical meanings of a social ritual. It is almost impossible for me to explain the complexity of her musings, but also the simplicity of her points in a manner that does the well spoken woman justice! Here is something someone else on her website has written "This fascinating inquiry into all aspects of gratefulness ranges from the unusual determination with which parents teach their children to thank, to the difference between speaking the words and feeling them, to the way different cultures handle the amazingly complex and important matter of giving, receiving, and returning favours and presents"

What struck me so significantly was that (a) thankfulness can not be forced -- it is or it is not genuine (b) reasons for thanking someone vary in cultures (c) being thankful is a socially charged word for some as to be the giver in western society has more status than the reciever.... (d) Apologies and thanks are also related as they cannot be forced, nor can they be forced to be accepted. But when truly extended they are an opening of one's heart.

I think she is someone I may just have to read. Forget Malcolm Gladwell for social commentary....

Promises

Sometimes we make promises we want to keep, sometimes we make promises that we cannot keep. Funny isnt it? We are not always sure which is which. I think the easy ones are the ones we can keep, it is the toughies that keep us struggling. We make those promises based on emotions (or I do anyway) and those are the ones I want to keep, but struggle to do so as the moment passes. Does breaking a promise invalidate all else? Depends on the person I guess.

For me, promises are an odd component of our behaviour. Sometimes we do things just because we can, or do things without thinking. When caught breaking that promise, we initially feel guilt-- then perhaps as time passes we recognize that the initial promise was one we set ourselves up with. The self-sabotage. Promising something we know we probably can't keep, asking from others what we struggle to do ourselves. Funny thing these promises. Often we make promises to friends because we want something to be so, unfortunately life just doesnt always pan out that way.

Lessons come up everywhere. The crappy part is when you learn something, but someone else gets hurt. Life is not easy, and doesnt always sit well in your chest. The irony in all this, is that I just recently got a personality 'profile' done as a new employee, and guess what.... "she is prone to jump to conclusions and tends to make choices around her own personal feelings....... may ignore logical analysis in her initial decision making". BINGO. Guess I better watch the promises I make.

Relief

A good friend of mine told me that life is a little like juggling when you are a Mum. You have three balls, personal life-kids-professional life, but only the ability to keep two in the air at a time. I grudgingly may have to admit she is right....

I feel relief because my house deal is now done, house sold and firm and the house we are moving into is also now solid. One less 'ball' to keep in the air. I think perhaps the kids are who have been missing out with me so preoccupied with the house details and the fall season pressures of my job. Time to step back, breathe. Or so I hope. Never seems to work out that way.

Had a staff retreat where we reviewed business plans and new organizational focus. Never underestimate the stress one can feel when everything around the position you were just beginning to understand changes.... but like most things, a little time and perspective comes. I am in the Vol. Mgmt. program which is great and will open doors. Professionally I am beginning to see the circular pattern of where I have come from. It is reassuring. Though the plan was never evident at the time, now I can see the flow. Whatever happens when this contract ends, I feel rather confident in my options since the 'flow' has revealed itself. That connect is coming slowly into my life in areas it has been lacking. Professional and personal rebuilding, I feel fabulous at 35. Like this is MY year. Look out, this Lion is ready to roar.....

Purely in the Moment....

Before I forget, I want to write down so I can recall later -- that purely in the moment feeling. I had it today, as I left Elora after taking photos. I had stopped one last time to capture a window pic (which incidentally turned out as I had hoped!) and then got back in the car. I was greeted by the richness of the Stereophonics courtesy of my ipod, and the breeze blew in the window as I drove.... joy of the moment. A big smile, a warm feeling inside. Singing along, okay with it all. Hyper tuned into myself, the moment, my surroundings.... it felt so damn good. Imagine if that sensation could be channelled more regularly. That is my goal. I am realistic, every moment of everyday is not that 15 minutes. But 15 minutes is good. I could take 15 minutes everyday! Today I met someone who expressed the very same sensation I have had where sheer physicality can take you to that same joy of the moment totally amazing tuned in place. It was great to connect and hear someone else express the sensation so clearly, so honestly and to really 'get' that feeling. Considering how the day could have gone, today was rather unexpectedly superb. One to be repeated!

Sometimes it is hard to communicate clearly with family. I struggle with my Dad. He is someone I admire, respect, love and look up to. I do not wear rose coloured glasses however. I see him for who he is, good and bad. The latest issue for me is that in requesting his help, and having his advice come back totally opposite to what (a) the professional said and (b) what I wanted to hear. My gut is to trust him. He has far more experience than I. However, the professional we hired has more experience than him! I am struggling within myself. I guess once again, all I wanted was approval of my decision on the house I am purchasing. His advice is unneeded, but not unwanted. Funny how we daughters still revert to little girls inside sometimes. As time away from the initial conversation has occurred, I am able to add some perspective. Perhaps he is not picturing ME in the house. And I also wonder if perhaps he really has lost sight of who I really am. What matters to me, what I value, what I don't. I have consciously decided not to follow the family 'status' or purchase cars, homes or things for those reasons. Sometimes I struggle, I want those things.... I had those things... but I don't NEED those things. If I can focus on simple things, the rest of the stuff will not block the way to my dreams and happiness.

All people think of songs as 'theirs' or feel like the song speaks to them. This song, and the timbre of his voice makes me melt. The simple depth of raw emotion for his wife is so evident.

Come Rain or Come Shine by David Francey

Long road, dark night, nothing but headlights
But I'll see some bright lights, when I get home to you
Framed in your doorway with your arms open wide
I'll hold you in my arms, enfold you inside

And I want to tell you
Come rain or come shine
That I'll always be your love
If you'll always be mine

Sometimes I wonder what you see in me
Is it someone you're wishing or hoping I'll be?
Sometimes I wonder, I can't help myself
Will your love go someplace, with somebody else?

And I want to tell you
Come rain or come shine
That I'll always be your love
If you'll always be mine

Sometimes you wonder what I see in you
Just picture the sun on an ocean of blue
Just picture that ocean so deep and so wide
Feel the sun on the water, feel the pull of the tide

And I want to tell you
Come rain or come shine
That I'll always be your love
If you'll always be mine

Finding it

How do you find something when you are not sure where or when you lost it? Have you ever misplaced something and had someone say "well, where did you last use it?" and you want to throttle them???!! I have noticed that I lost something pretty significant lately. And I am not sure when I lost it, where I lost it, and in having those around me (and experts say) 'go back to where you last remember having it' I cannot help but wonder... did I ever have it in the first place?

What happens when you are tired of looking. But I am just so tired of the effort required for the search... That being said, I am still searching really hard to find it. I am not a quitter. The up side to all of this is that in doing so, I am finding all kinds of other things along the way. I have discovered lost parts within myself. I have discovered a new acceptance of parts of me I have otherwise struggled with. I discovered some deep connections with my siblings. I have also discovered some old patterns I don't want to repeat.

I guess come October around the week before the anniversary of my Mum's death I cannot help but look for things that are lost. At least with her death, thanks to her forethought and strength, it is only her physical presence I lost. She left all of us with a beautiful experience of what death can be. She forged deep relationships between all of us kids, and I still have pieces of her with me. Not tears. Not regrets or woulda-coulda-shoulda's. Our end can come at any time. If I was to go to cancer in 15 years like Mum, I would not want to waste time searching for lost things. But trying to build new and get over what is gone. May the good that was in her, the love that I know she had for me, may the angels she so believed in all guide me where I need to go.

All my life I have struggled. But the struggles are not without rewards. I do not expect fewer struggles, just perhaps some help seeing the right path when it appears. More intuition and understanding for that path.

" I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my Mother you'll be". Bob Munsch

A continuation on a theme...

So it appears as I read on today and really thought deeply (courtesy of the book who prompted the last post) that happiness may 'run in a circular motion' but my life runs in a triangular motion.

HUH? you say... well apparently, situations where stress is present often result in us having relationships that are a triangle. I thought this a novel idea, and got out my journal and started at my childhood. I quickly thought of triangle after triangle of unresolved conflicts where I am a player, some that resolved, but many that remain unresolved. Dang. This was supposed to be a LITTLE bit easier, this self discovery. Hah hah hah. So now I am supposed to learn my role in these triangles. Do I act as the overfunctioning one, the underfunctioner, what do I gain? Or what have I lost? How can I change the dynamics of these situations? After all, we cannot change others. Just change ourselves and hope others follow on their own paths with us.

When I look dispassionately at my childhood through early adulthood I see patterns. I see foundational cracks. But I also see cleverly built supports. But now I want to be truly *me*. To take ownership for what was and guide my life towards what can be and I deserve to build for myself.

Along this path of change I am reminded : "What we do naturally takes us in the wrong direction. As we have seen, our normal and reflexive ways of managing anxiety/change inevitably lead us to participate in patterns, polarities and triangles that keep us painfully stuck. Every courageous act of change requires a move toward greater selfhood. One where we are forced to give up our non-productive efforts and move forward." Harriet Lerner, PhD.

Overfunctioners

Uh oh. Looks like the most recent book that I have selected to consult has me 'pegged'. Self-help books are interesting as they provide perspective, but rarely solutions. This one is really good. I was rather shocked when I read along, while sipping my morning coffee and came to the chapter on "Understanding Overfunctioning". They say is happens most often in children who are first born (bingo), and tend to be particularly intense if one parent was unable to do his/her job and we stepped in as the overresponsible child... (bingo on two accounts). She says that because overfunctioners 'look good' and 'hold it together' they are often overlooked. Holy crap. But there is more.... and I find it disturbing in its accuracy...

• move in quickly to advise, fix, rescur and take over when stress hits
• avoid worrying about their own personal goals and problems by focusing on others
• have difficulty sharing their own vulnerable, underfunctioning side.
• may be labeled as people who are "always reliable and always together"

Oh my. So now that I have been appropriately labelled I guess I move on and pray that the book gives me some idea of counteractive measures??

One thing she said that I really liked and perhaps is linking to me being an overfunctioner 'often the things others/selves consider our faults are inextricably linked to the positive things others value and admire". We may be overly bossy and controlling, but others also appreciate our take charge abilities and leadership skills. Two sides of one coin.

I will keep you posted on my read, as I read on....

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

What a movie! Heard someone on CBC talking about the book and the film. Was curious. Rented it and was very moved by the visual images which take you into the body of an individual 'locked into' their own body. Unable to move. Unable to talk. Yet mentally, fully functional. It made me ponder....

What if you had nothing but your thoughts to entertain you? Nothing but time to review that which has passed? Then burdened with the limited ability to communicate with those around you.

Would you live differently today knowing that the decisions you make will remain unchangeable, unapologized for, and your last touches?

Of course, the line of this reasoning becomes circular and brings me back to my thoughts on being sure that I am being true to myself and my goals of walking lightly on the earth, loving fully while I am hear, taking ownership for my happiness, committing myself fully to every day. If I do this and do it well, I could be locked into myself tomorrow and I would not struggle with regrets. Unfortunately, I have a good couple of decades of mistakes that I can definately relive and mull over-- but I also recognize their role in getting me to today.
virtus tentamine gaudet

Damn birds...

Anyone who knows me, would quickly discover I love animals of pretty much any kind. Excluding reptiles however, especially the snakes. UGH. I digress. What you might not know is I am mesmerized by birds. Fascinating. I have a pet bird, a parrot-- a South American parrot known as a Conure. I got her when she was a baby and she is an absolute sweetheart. The amazing thing is how incredibly intelligent and responsive a small parrot can be. Her breed is not known for talking, however she has learned how to say her name, a few small things, and loves to echo your (or the kids) laughter. She is a snuggle muffin and wants nothing more than to snuggle. On your shoulder she snuggles in against your neck, nibbles your ear, grooms your hair. And attitude... she has plenty! When I got an email with this youtube video, I cracked up. And cringed, look at that bird's feet!!
http://twurl.nl/844zhh