Sometimes you need it and want it. Other times you "got it" and sometimes, it feels like something you just never will have. I am always reminded of a saying my best friend since Grade Two says... "life is like juggling. Keeping two balls up in the air is one thing, but add a third or fourth to the mix and something is always hitting the ground". Ahhh. Wise woman. I think this goes well with clarity. You may have clarity on one or two fronts but never on all. Hell, that would make life downright easy would it not? As I laugh heartily at the thought...
Clarity I am finding in my personal emotional space. After turmoil and struggle and feeling alone in a relationship, I finally have CLARITY as to why. What it was that I had to learn. What it is that I need in the next relationship. What I find funny is how nonchalant I feel about marriage ever again. That I feel like maybe, maybe not - as to going down that road. That when I read all these dating articles about women wanting "committment and to have that security" that I feel like saying 'not this cat'! Do I want someone in my life? Absolutely. Do I want to date and date and date incessently? God no. Exhausting. Too much crap out there to wade through! I would however like that someone to craft an alternative relationship with.
So, just what does this alternative relationship look like? Ah, the clarity of what I need comes into play here! My plan would be to have one person with whom I am connected. We spend time together as life allows, but have our separate space too. We act as each other's professional and personal sounding boards and provide encouragement for the other to reach higher. On the other hand, also the soft space to fall if one should need it. Each brings their whole, not a part! I don't want to be a singular unit but instead a stellar kick ass team. I'd want modified monogamy... in that we would be monogamous but should the need to step outside that arise it is openly discussed and if okay, that space is granted. Ahhh... you see how un-marriage like it is? Is it a mind f**ck for you or do you get it? It is all about clarity in where I myself am at. It wouldnt work for everyone. But damn, it'd work for me. The space where each person is their own -- yet space for each other put there too. Separate yet equal. Space and time to want to be with the other person again. Enough space to not take them for granted.
Clarity. Mind space. Perspective. Rumination with results.
S'all good, baby. S'all good.
