I am beginning to understand the desire people have to be "seen". It is this desire I think that is fueling my desire to find some sort of relationship now that my marriage is officially done, though the intimacy and connection has been gone for some time. My desire for being seen, for allowing someone to see me in my rawness and complete authenticity is very strong after being so disconnected (which makes me sad) for such a long time in my own marriage. How much I want to feel that connection.
I last felt that intense connection with someone I was in a relationship with when I was in University. Despite it not working out, I always felt like A really knew me. And I him. Many thought of us as a team, a dynamic duo! Driving in his car, listening to U2 and going wherever was a joy. We were able to revel in the moment. To some degree I recognize age and my youth had something to do with the ability to connect like this. While it was not destined to work out, I am so incredibly grateful for what he gave to me. Teaching me that there ARE people out there who will understand and appreciate you. See you for your inner and outer beauty. Eyes open wide and arms wrapping around you.
As I approach the idea of dating, it is sort of terrifying. What has not changed since dating in my 20's is the superficiality of people. You would THINK as people age and grow that they would recognize it is not so much what you want, but the things that are dealbreakers! No one can live up to a wish list, a supermodel's looks, or movies/novels. Life is complicated.
As I stand facing many possibilities of rejection, I must remind myself that I have had a good marriage behind me. Relationships with wonderful loving people who gave to me of themselves and helped me to grow. There will be others. I am not a half-asser in life. I don't want run of the mill. Chances are, if they pass me by I probably wouldnt have wanted them anyway. It is them missing out on me. I need to reaffirm that I am unique and deserving of good things. And they will come. No rush.
Think I will continue to pull back and just take time. Do work, my friends, my children and develop and grow my photography and art. If the universe could bring me to this point of great happiness in my life, it too will bring the right people in as I work towards authenticity and growth.
I still need a hug though!
