If you thought my ponderings on intimacy were going to be sexual... think on! Sure, it goes there eventually but I am not going there this time! LOL!
What is it? As said by the almighty Wickipedia it is a relationship that is characterized by "enduring behavioral interdependence, repeated interactions, emotional attachment, and need fulfillment". It is that something intense, truly connected where you can be wholly yourself.
Simple right? I started thinking about this and wondered what is it that makes intimacy so damn hard? For me... it rests largely on the concept of 'enduring behavioural interdependance'. I don't do this well. Independent to the core, I hesitate to ask for help though I will be the first to offer it to others. As someone who has long felt let down and dissapointed by people I supposedly shared an intimate emotional relationship with, I struggle. The visual that suits me is a little girl trapped inside an adult body. I have the smarts and skills and analytical ability of an adult, yet, that little girl reaches as squashes the well thought out processes of that adult from time to time. It is that little girl who refuses to give up her independance because hey! You do that and you are just asking to get screwed right?? For me this becomes embodied in me being overly capable. Capable of being good Mummy, outwardly good wife, good community citizen, good human being... for the most part. The adult accepts that I do the best I can in each of my roles, the child inside says I am bad and suck. Honesty of children perhaps.
So. Where does that leave me? Today it finds me looking to turn a corner and work on letting intimacy happen. If I can let others in in that way, perhaps things I am missing will come to me. If I can think I am capable of unmasking and letting myself be worthy of love and intimacy maybe it will be so...
The thoughts you think becomes your words
The words you say become your actions
The actions you take become your character
The character you present becomes your future.
I feel strongly that the positive thoughts about my professional abilities allowed my words and actions to create my professional self that my new employer has taken on and allowed me the pleasure to shape my future.
My wish, my dream, my hope? That I can work on the personal intimacy I struggle with. Make it possible so that I can have good relationships with whoever my partner is. Perhaps it is my recognizing my own deficiency that has made me think I am just not meant to be married. But perhaps this is a self defeating thought, and by stopping this thought I am stopping the future being unmarried. If I think positive and I still have unfavourable outcome, at least I will know it is not due to road blocks I created.
