When it rains, it pours. Just when you think you have had enough, more comes. murphy's law. All of the above seem to apply to me, making me reel.
As if questioning my place in my own life, my purpose, my path was not enough I struggle to balance the demands of the rest of my life. It is when I slow, crap happens. And it did. I had a feeling it was developing for a few days now. Personal stuff and work stuff. Can I just avoid it all??? This is what I would LIKE to do, but I won't. I demand honesty. I need it. I need to know to bare honest truth so that I can weigh it, take the lesson from it and move on.
I am managing that with work issues. Tough when what you deliver is YOURSELF. The reality of the work I do. When complaints come in, they are complaints about YOU, and they always boil down to the essence of who you are. I have been left thinking on whether intelligence, confidence, strong personality, strength, passion are fault or fabulous. My conclusion? Every strength is equally a weakness. Like the rules of relativity. So, can I change who I am? Should I? Should I be concerned with other's reactions to my efforts? As I dig my way through the muck and pain, I think it is a 50/50 thing. Yes, I should strip the stinging criticisms away, and look to the root. How can I improve? Be more accommodating? And learn from what did not work? This allows me to take the lesson and distance the strike at me personally. Isnt it funny how one person complaining can undo all the compliments received previously? Ahhhh. I am working hard to take the good lesson, leave the chaff. It is coming.
Personal stuff, never as clear cut. What is mine? What is theirs? Where am i in this whole thing and where are they? Good is relative to the reality in which you live.... one that you have carefully constructed! I need my honesty, nothing hidden... just straight goods no matter how hurtful. Most others are better knowing the truth, though not the brutal soul crushing parts. Funny that I am willing to take the soul crushing info in order to move forward. Yes unwilling to deliver it as it would stay with me forever. Some things better left unsaid. All I want is clarity.
Why is all this so hard? Is this part of what it means to work through your issues and move towards self awareness and higher consciousness? If so, it really is a shit go. I am sending all the positivity and love that IS within me and I know in time, it will come back. I will not stop loving, trying, striving, learning no matter the harshness of reality. Though, reality really bites sometimes.
