I was recently reading "Eat Pray Love" and was struck by her willingness to openly admit to being a gaping hole of emotional need. Well, she said it better of course but that was the jist of it. It hit me like someone had whacked me with the book itself!! Ow, what a painful thing to acknowledge and admit to. And why was it so significant to me??? I think that just maybe... I too am a gaping whole of emotional need.
The statement made me think about what it is I need. I am unsure if I can pinpoint it exactly but I so desperately need to be SEEN and seen for me. Connected with. Challenged. Accepted. But I also recognize that the things I believe in saying and doing for others are probably the very things I need to allow others to do for me.
i.e....
1. I believe in telling people the good things you are thinking about them. Why wait until they are dead or ill or gone to let those thoughts out!?? If they are beautiful, tell them. If their hug really caught you at just the right moment and made a difference, tell them. If you admire a skill or see bright potential in someone, tell them and encourage them. DON'T JUST THINK IT! Why are words so hard to say? Why are we so afraid to tell someone we love them? That they touch us in a magical way that brightens each day? Or that we admire them and are inspired by them? Because really, do you honestly think it will give them a swelled head? So often it is these people who rarely hear it because others assume they 'just know'!!
2. Shelter me, protect me, care for me. I am the giver. The one who worries about getting it done, supporting others, making it right for all. And yet it is so difficult to let someone else do this for me. As my brother and I have said, we brought each other and ourselves up. We are used to building our own strengths that allowing someone else in is terrifying!! I need to let my wall fall, let someone comfort me, and I need to let them do that. What a bloody challenge. Can't I just do it for everyone else?
3. Encouraging other's dreams. I try hard to support other people and friends dreams. To celebrate those dreams and maybe be a part of their 'people' who encourage them and change that dream into a goal. I love to hear other's ideas. I revel in their creativity. Marvel at their capabilities. Yet seem incapable of truly seeing my own. I am so damn critical. Feel lodged in a space where taking my dreams and forcing them out into planning mode is not possible. I need to see the potential in myself, that I see in others. My own unique light. Not just my weakness and failings. Can I manage? Oh man, don't know.
So what has all of this thinking taught me? I must admit that despite my incredible strength, management of personal challenges, and seeming 'having it togetherness' I am still desperately needy for those emotional foods from others yet I make it impossible to receive it. Fucked I know. And really, I think I am no different from many over-functioners and those who end their lives prematurely. I am a seeker and know I need more. I've never been one to just sit and take it as it comes or be cool with the status quo. I want more, know it is there. I know sometime I will get to a point where having too little will result in a choice to end it all or risk it all. This terrifies me but maybe if those around me give me the emotional food I need and I let them, maybe I will never reach that fork in the road and instead, will enjoy the trip instead.
