As the title would suggest, I am struggling with a bit of a tail spin. Or as a good friend calls it, a "speed wobble". I am juggling the responsibilities of my life fairly well, and have been for the last 5 years or so. After a visit on Wed. to a friendly neighborhood therapist, I have been undone. Set into tail spin. Questioning all that is and around me. All that was.
She called me on my constant movement, action, DOING. Not being still. Not taking the time to hear the inner voices. Admitting she is right was so hard. That yes, I am very community minded-- but all my committments serve a personal purpose too. Seeking outside ways to fill my intellectual/personal needs going unmet. The irony? It worked for such a good long time. Moving, moving, moving, embracing changes and challenges.... it all spurred me on and created just enough external focus for me to silence the inner voices. She also pointed out that I may never find anyone who fills the emotional space in me, so I had better take the time to find ways to tend it myself as well. I am going to tend it, that is so much of what this year is about I think. But I also choose to believe that between me and someone else, I can adequately fill my emotional core.
As I have said before, this past year has been one of awakening. Of growth, change, re-rooting and re-discovering of myself. The inner voice, (I think of her as my inner child) will no longer be silenced. She has been screaming and shouting and making demands for 7, almost 8 months. There is that number seven again. My number.
What am I to do? Not sure. Whatever it is, maintaining normalcy for my kids is top priority... kids just need security and predictability and love. I can do that. But long term, happy Mummy means a good parent. They are letting me do a bit more and complaining less. Me working, taking classes is less of an imposition to them.
I read something someone said to the effect that 'the adventures we will have in life is dependent on how many times we say yes'. How am I opening myself up, to that inner emotional me?
Hey-- I got a plan.... I ALWAYS have a plan.... welcome to Ms. Bossy Boots world! Hah, if only I could translate my confidence into reality! Honestly, I know it will unfurl as it does. The road I travel is winding and often I cannot see what is around the corner....
