While I have made no real resolutions, its funny how for the first time the start of a new year has had some real mental impact. I think it is related to the half year, half way, almost there feeling that I am having within my life. The last six months have been exhilirating and empowering, but in their change nothing has had a chance to feel solid. As I start this new year of 2011 I fully feel that I stand in a place where my eyes are looking forward to a place that is mine. A space I create, own and occupy.
In the past half a year when I cast my eyes behind me I see shadows of myself. Me, but not quite me. Me trying to be wholly myself, authentic, yet in the last half year I have been working to find that equilibrium. That rhythm that is uniquely my own with each component of my life fitting in fairly cleanly. The balancing of my work, my goals, my children, my own happiness and inner development. Almost like I am in mid-life crisis, but at one-third of my way through!
So does that mean that when I look back at the last 5 to 6 months I feel regret? Absolutely not. Instead I have recently been able to see the importance and unique gifts that have come with each person. Some lessons from new people entering my life during the storm....
....there are friends who will give to you of their skills without expectation of re-payment.
....people come in and will solve problems or offer help if you are open to asking!
....our past shapes us, but we choose what we carry with us today.
....I can let people do things for me, and even though it makes me uncomfortable... there is something nice about it too.
....truly emotionally open and available people are amazing. Brave. Scary for people like me! Yet inspiring too.
....What others do, they will do. And it really is not about you. At all.
....It feels good to care deeply and give that to people freely. It is not dangerous when you are willing to give and have no expectations of a week, month, years from now.
....'cause you can't get hurt when you realize what others do is not ABOUT you, but their own reaction to you based on their own filters and assumptions.
....I like the practical, rational and calculated nature of my emotional expressions. Its who I am. And I like it. You can only change for yourself, not others.
....Ownership is a disgusting part of relationships. That people feel that their significant others or friends are 'theirs' is beyond me. I find it quite puzzling. So un-evolved. We own no one. We control nothing but ourselves and the choices we make. I know more now than I did before I reached this point that, traditional concepts of relationships do not work for me.
The new people who have entered (and some have left) my life in the last six months have left really significant imprints on me. I think it was due to the lack of structure and openness I had to everything. As I cast my eyes forward..... gazing outwards across the plains from atop the hill... I see open opportunity. Potential. And I feel strong, fairly content, very grounded and very ME. A good thing!
