So many think of me as good. My brother commented on being glad I am not as "perfect as I seem" and my best friend since I was a kid was shocked when I shared some personal transgressions. She too had constructed the "good" vision of me. The irony is that I feel anything but. How does one reconcile the person others see, the person your actions present to the world.... and the inner self? I do good, I am good (to an extent)... But I want to be great. I want fabulous, or shitty for pities sake. Something more, not middle of the road!
Does everyone struggle this much? I suppose some people don't think as much as I.... perhaps that is the clue there, still the mind. Not that I have not thought of that before. Hell, I think CONSTANTLY! I wonder if this isnt the challenge in front of all of us. To reach our higher self we need to reconcile the outer with the inner.
Someone who has seen past the outer wrappings and sensed the inner me, commented that I like pain. You know, in some ways I think it isnt so much 'like' as it is being overly familiar with it. Pain gives you a purpose, something to focus on and get past... something to focus on when those inner voices rise to a din. So the outer shuts off the inner with pain. It is familiar and predictable and seems to revisit when least expecting. Do I bring it on or does it find me? If I align inner and outer will it go away?
That's the goal this year. I think. If I can. Seek to align the two. Unless I get something to distract me in the meantime....
