I have been trying to look deeper in the last few weeks when I have a negative reaction to a person or situation. Following the advice I gave a friend to strip away the situation and really THINK what the interaction evoked in you.
Some of my knee jerk reactions made me laugh when I caught myself. Life the "oh yes I cannnnn" when someone intonated that I would not like something or could not do something. The back up, "don't tell me what to do" reaction! When I paused and realized this I felt a bit embarassed but also thought it was kinda funny. Childish reaction.
Some of the tougher ones came when I had to dig deep and consider a friendship I have. Dig deep and ask myself why I feel the need to classify it and define it. Why it is sooooo hard to just sit back and keep myself on an emotional leash. This is when writing comes in handy. I wrote and wrote in my journal until the reasons popped their heads up. I want to classify and define relationships and situations because I hate feeling the fool. Feeling like I was the one not clued into the situation. Like I had not been given the same briefing as everyone else! It is not a need to control the other person, but more a means of safeguarding my own self. Protection from being let down, abandoned, left in tears.
So it seems I am afraid of investing myself mentally or emotionally if I am not assured of reciprocity in the situation. Strange. When I step back and look at it, it is better to step in and try than to constantly hold myself leashed out of fear. When I boil things down, I feel frustrated. Frustrated with people and their simplicity. Not the good kind of simple. Their willingness to make assumptions and only take surface. Assumptions about who I am, what I need and such. It makes me sad. There are parts of me I cannot help. Not that they are bad! Is it bad to be driven, passionate and outgoing? But I am just me. The inner me is so much different from the facade the public gets. Get beyond that and see the gem. So many don't bother. And.... I guess I should just say their loss. Realistically though it saddens me. I am not one dimensional and shallow. I am deeper. I am passionate. I am intelligent. I am more of most things and you know what..... I AM A GOOD PERSON..... still.
