I have always believed the "it is not how long someone is in your life, but the mark they make in your life that matters". As I have grown and changed in the last two years this has become very apparent. I have opened my life to new people, new experiences and in doing so have been moved and educated by so many people. Educated about the different struggles we each face, and also about my own weaknesses. My strengths have become apparent too, but often it is our weaknesses that force us to learn or drown. Its those lessons we DON'T learn that come back to haunt us.
Dating people means opening yourself up to possibilities. Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking this or that person is right.... or good enough.... or even 'just right'. Of course you never get that deep down gut feeling of 'right'. What I am finding harder is categorizing a past relationship that was all wrong.... and never did I fool myself thinking it wasn't, yet, it was deep down gut felt connection. Letting that wrong time and place relationship go was so incredibly difficult.
At this time and place in my life I have found someone who fits me, and whom I adore and love. So why when I come across something that makes me think of that other "wrong" person is something still there? I guess it is that mark on my soul. A part of me wishes so much that I could tell them that they helped me become ME again when I had lost that person. That I smile when I think of them. And that for some reason, I couldn't take it if I ever found out they were toying with me the whole time. Sigh. Life just isn't simple!
Having had those experiences makes me appreciative of where I am and the love I have in my life. The mark on my soul left behind is a better understanding of just who it is I am, and what it is my soul needs to be satisfied.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Its been so long!
I realized it has been almost two months since I last posted. I think it is safe to say I have been busy? Yes. For sure. Having managed to launch the 2011 season at work, have new staff start without my assistant here (she was on a trip) and then, add in personal stuff.
The personal stuff. The stuff I usually record here. Where to start.... after processing a friendship which crossed the line of 'just friends' at times, I came to some important realizations. One: it really is true that we often want what we cannot have. Two: it is hard to peel back the reasons we want someone in our lives so damn badly. Those things said, when you admit to number one and recognize what motivates number two you gain a real sense of "whew"!
All of this occurred mid to end of April. Last blog entry. With the launch of the 2011 season at work I figured what better time than now to take a break from the dating thing. People just were not surfacing that had what I wanted or needed. Time to back off and breathe. Then, I went on one last date.
One last date. He was nice. He was cute. He made me laugh. No crazy electricity in the outset but enough to want to try one more date. When I met him the second time there was intense electricity. I was dying to have him kiss me.... and when he did it was incredible. As we talked, the commonalities of our lives in weird experiences came to light. The connect was immediate and intense. Our date was Saturday night until Monday morning. Amazing.
And.... since then it has only been better. I have loved people throughout my life. Loved my ex-spouse, my kids, my family. But not like this. To be honest, I didn't know this level of intimacy and connection was a possibility or even real. More the stuff of movies. There was none of the pretending or surface image projection. Just us, as ourselves and perfectly imperfect.
So, since I last blogged I have been struck by love. The gooey, hand holding, heart expanding kind of love. The kind where you feel content in the forever of it. No need to control it, just let it in. How incredible.
The personal stuff. The stuff I usually record here. Where to start.... after processing a friendship which crossed the line of 'just friends' at times, I came to some important realizations. One: it really is true that we often want what we cannot have. Two: it is hard to peel back the reasons we want someone in our lives so damn badly. Those things said, when you admit to number one and recognize what motivates number two you gain a real sense of "whew"!
All of this occurred mid to end of April. Last blog entry. With the launch of the 2011 season at work I figured what better time than now to take a break from the dating thing. People just were not surfacing that had what I wanted or needed. Time to back off and breathe. Then, I went on one last date.
One last date. He was nice. He was cute. He made me laugh. No crazy electricity in the outset but enough to want to try one more date. When I met him the second time there was intense electricity. I was dying to have him kiss me.... and when he did it was incredible. As we talked, the commonalities of our lives in weird experiences came to light. The connect was immediate and intense. Our date was Saturday night until Monday morning. Amazing.
And.... since then it has only been better. I have loved people throughout my life. Loved my ex-spouse, my kids, my family. But not like this. To be honest, I didn't know this level of intimacy and connection was a possibility or even real. More the stuff of movies. There was none of the pretending or surface image projection. Just us, as ourselves and perfectly imperfect.
So, since I last blogged I have been struck by love. The gooey, hand holding, heart expanding kind of love. The kind where you feel content in the forever of it. No need to control it, just let it in. How incredible.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Looking Deeper
I have been trying to look deeper in the last few weeks when I have a negative reaction to a person or situation. Following the advice I gave a friend to strip away the situation and really THINK what the interaction evoked in you.
Some of my knee jerk reactions made me laugh when I caught myself. Life the "oh yes I cannnnn" when someone intonated that I would not like something or could not do something. The back up, "don't tell me what to do" reaction! When I paused and realized this I felt a bit embarassed but also thought it was kinda funny. Childish reaction.
Some of the tougher ones came when I had to dig deep and consider a friendship I have. Dig deep and ask myself why I feel the need to classify it and define it. Why it is sooooo hard to just sit back and keep myself on an emotional leash. This is when writing comes in handy. I wrote and wrote in my journal until the reasons popped their heads up. I want to classify and define relationships and situations because I hate feeling the fool. Feeling like I was the one not clued into the situation. Like I had not been given the same briefing as everyone else! It is not a need to control the other person, but more a means of safeguarding my own self. Protection from being let down, abandoned, left in tears.
So it seems I am afraid of investing myself mentally or emotionally if I am not assured of reciprocity in the situation. Strange. When I step back and look at it, it is better to step in and try than to constantly hold myself leashed out of fear. When I boil things down, I feel frustrated. Frustrated with people and their simplicity. Not the good kind of simple. Their willingness to make assumptions and only take surface. Assumptions about who I am, what I need and such. It makes me sad. There are parts of me I cannot help. Not that they are bad! Is it bad to be driven, passionate and outgoing? But I am just me. The inner me is so much different from the facade the public gets. Get beyond that and see the gem. So many don't bother. And.... I guess I should just say their loss. Realistically though it saddens me. I am not one dimensional and shallow. I am deeper. I am passionate. I am intelligent. I am more of most things and you know what..... I AM A GOOD PERSON..... still.
Some of my knee jerk reactions made me laugh when I caught myself. Life the "oh yes I cannnnn" when someone intonated that I would not like something or could not do something. The back up, "don't tell me what to do" reaction! When I paused and realized this I felt a bit embarassed but also thought it was kinda funny. Childish reaction.
Some of the tougher ones came when I had to dig deep and consider a friendship I have. Dig deep and ask myself why I feel the need to classify it and define it. Why it is sooooo hard to just sit back and keep myself on an emotional leash. This is when writing comes in handy. I wrote and wrote in my journal until the reasons popped their heads up. I want to classify and define relationships and situations because I hate feeling the fool. Feeling like I was the one not clued into the situation. Like I had not been given the same briefing as everyone else! It is not a need to control the other person, but more a means of safeguarding my own self. Protection from being let down, abandoned, left in tears.
So it seems I am afraid of investing myself mentally or emotionally if I am not assured of reciprocity in the situation. Strange. When I step back and look at it, it is better to step in and try than to constantly hold myself leashed out of fear. When I boil things down, I feel frustrated. Frustrated with people and their simplicity. Not the good kind of simple. Their willingness to make assumptions and only take surface. Assumptions about who I am, what I need and such. It makes me sad. There are parts of me I cannot help. Not that they are bad! Is it bad to be driven, passionate and outgoing? But I am just me. The inner me is so much different from the facade the public gets. Get beyond that and see the gem. So many don't bother. And.... I guess I should just say their loss. Realistically though it saddens me. I am not one dimensional and shallow. I am deeper. I am passionate. I am intelligent. I am more of most things and you know what..... I AM A GOOD PERSON..... still.
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