Looking Deeper

I have been trying to look deeper in the last few weeks when I have a negative reaction to a person or situation.  Following the advice I gave a friend to strip away the situation and really THINK what the interaction evoked in you.

Some of my knee jerk reactions made me laugh when I caught myself.  Life the "oh yes I cannnnn" when someone intonated that I would not like something or could not do something.  The back up, "don't tell me what to do" reaction! When I paused and realized this I felt a bit embarassed but also thought it was kinda funny.  Childish reaction.

Some of the tougher ones came when I had to dig deep and consider a friendship I have.  Dig deep and ask myself why I feel the need to classify it and define it.  Why it is sooooo hard to just sit back and keep myself on an emotional leash.  This is when writing comes in handy.  I wrote and wrote in my journal until the reasons popped their heads up.  I want  to classify and define relationships and situations because I hate feeling the fool.  Feeling like I was the one not clued into the situation.  Like I had not been given the same briefing as everyone else!  It is not a need to control the other person, but more a means of safeguarding my own self.  Protection from being let down, abandoned, left in tears.

So it seems I am afraid of investing myself mentally or emotionally if I am not assured of reciprocity in the situation.  Strange.  When I step back and look at it, it is better to step in and try than to constantly hold myself leashed out of fear.  When I boil things down, I feel frustrated.  Frustrated with people and their simplicity.  Not the good kind of simple.  Their willingness to make assumptions and only take surface.  Assumptions about who I am, what I need and such.  It makes me sad.  There are parts of me I cannot help.  Not that they are bad!  Is it bad to be driven, passionate and outgoing?  But I am just me.  The inner me is so much different from the facade the public gets.  Get beyond that and see the gem.  So many don't bother.  And.... I guess I should just say their loss.  Realistically though it saddens me.  I am not one dimensional and shallow.  I am deeper.  I am passionate.  I am intelligent.  I am more of most things and you know what..... I AM A GOOD PERSON..... still.

Beautiful Decay

This is the only way to describe the Cuban city of Havana.  A city of beautiful architecture, all in a state of crumble.  So few of the buildings are in really good shape.  Mostly just the ones that are owned by hotel chains etc.  Tourist buildings.  As you walk around you cannot help but wonder what was it once like?  Sort of like seeing an older person who is bent and stooped, wrinkled and time worn.  You wonder what they were like 'back then'.  It is then us -- still youthful -- who marvel at the beauty and grace of that stooped person, or crumbling city when we see a picture.  Amazed that these two, then and now, are connected.

The Cuban people were so friendly, so welcoming, and very joyful.  All while confined by a state that stops them from taking a holiday to a foreign country or studying overseas without great difficulty.  Friendly and welcoming though they cannot access the goods we take for granted.  Being issued rations by the state monthly, and then having to supplement on the open market.  It is pretty mind boggling.  No wonder they think Canadians are rich.  We can afford to come to their country, relax and holiday.  A luxury beyond their experience and tough to imagine.

It made me stop and think.  Think about standing in an aisle gazing at the choices I have when it comes to basics like toilet paper.  Toothpaste.  Shampoo.  Incredible!  And it is just the way it is... but why?  Is this a reflection of our excessive culture?  I wonder sometimes.  No wonder it is so hard to keep it simple.  We are bombarded.  All it makes us do in the end is want more.  And more.  Yet, happiness is not any closer.....