I was recently told I was guarded. Guarded with my personal feelings. And my first response was ME? GUARDED? Then as I thought I realized that in my openness and willingness to share ideas and outward reality I do perhaps, guard a part of myself. It is that part of me that is fragile, needy, and with a cracked and damaged surface. The little girl inside me.
It makes me wonder a bit what it might be like to live on the 'other' side of things. How would life play out if I let that inner self out, was open and let people see the cracked and delicate me? Unlikely though, that this will ever happen. As much as being guarded serves a very real purpose, I have realized that having someone see beyond this is what I desire. Is it a catch 22 however? I want someone to see beyond this protective cover, yet perhaps I have constructed a shell that is impenetrable. My walls too high to scale. Once, not that long ago.... there was someone who got through these walls and I felt bare when he looked at me. Bare, and safe. Letting him go was so hard. So very, very hard. "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If not, it was never meant to be". Wise words, hard to appreciate when you have tasted what you desire and know it is not yours to have right now.
That said, potential always exists. People come in and out of our life. All with a purpose, all leaving marks on our soul....
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
In a split second
In a split second everything can change. I discovered this as I took my dog and the dog I am sitting inside on Sunday. I set my camera down, turned to usher the dog up the stairs when I noticed she was gone. I looked, saw paw prints in the snow and up ahead and across the road.... the dog. I ran quickly fearing the dog I was babysitting (who had taken off) would go on the busy road. I grabbed her collar and turned around only to see my loyal and loving dachshund companion chase quickly after me. As usual to be by my side. That day was not my day. He was struck by a car and I watched in in slow motion.... I thought I would throw up with the fear I had for him. I quickly passed off the other dog, scooped my baby up and took him inside. I wrapped him in a towel and worked calmly. As I lifted him gently off the floor he cried in pain and lashed out biting my left cheek -- leaving scratches. I knew the intensity of pain my fur baby must have been experiencing. He is the gentlest dog. I tried again to lift him, he bit again this time getting the other cheek and puncturing me and causing bleeding. The irony? I could care less. I had my pup in my arms and was ready to get him to the doctor.
Now it is a day later and he is stabilized but with surgery needed. Expensive surgery. I have cried and cried. All day I have wrestled with what the best thing to do is. To put him down? To get the surgery regardless of cost? Wondering if my desire to keep him at my side is selfish. Oh how I love this dog. My sweet and loyal dog who knows when I have a migraine and curls up next to me. Who would challenge a bear (in all likelihood) to protect me. My sweet little doxie who makes me smile and giggle when he bounds through the snow. I thought I could let him go. I'm not sure I can after all. He was with me through 2 very tough years, always loving me. Always there.
Tomorrow is a new day and I pray to all the powers there are that the answer of what I am to do will be apparent. Right now I have no sensibility. Money feels like a selfish reason not to do the surgery. Yet, is the surgery too much for my short legged buddy? I want to be kind, yet also cannot help but want him with me. So, I am sure I will shed more tears. As I miss having his face looking up at me for one more night. Praying that he will be fixed soon and back with me.
Please get better Cricket....
Now it is a day later and he is stabilized but with surgery needed. Expensive surgery. I have cried and cried. All day I have wrestled with what the best thing to do is. To put him down? To get the surgery regardless of cost? Wondering if my desire to keep him at my side is selfish. Oh how I love this dog. My sweet and loyal dog who knows when I have a migraine and curls up next to me. Who would challenge a bear (in all likelihood) to protect me. My sweet little doxie who makes me smile and giggle when he bounds through the snow. I thought I could let him go. I'm not sure I can after all. He was with me through 2 very tough years, always loving me. Always there.
Tomorrow is a new day and I pray to all the powers there are that the answer of what I am to do will be apparent. Right now I have no sensibility. Money feels like a selfish reason not to do the surgery. Yet, is the surgery too much for my short legged buddy? I want to be kind, yet also cannot help but want him with me. So, I am sure I will shed more tears. As I miss having his face looking up at me for one more night. Praying that he will be fixed soon and back with me.
Please get better Cricket....
Thursday, February 17, 2011
One step closer to you....
Each day I take one step closer to you. Who are you? I don't know yet. What you look like, what you do and where you live I have yet to discover. I do know some things about who you are. You are an individual with a strong personality that equals mine. You laugh and do it easily. When it comes to life, you take big bumps and lumps in stride and keep your eye on the prize. Its all good. Part of the journey. I know you care about people, about community and society as a whole. You do your part. Whatever that is, big or small. You know what it is to be a parent, and appreciate the challenges and rewards. When issues come up in your interpersonal life you deal with them head on. Say what you need to say, ask the questions you need answered and don't go the route of passive-aggressive. Just like doing what I love and am passionate about is important to me, you feel the same way. You need challenge, and go for the opportunities that present themselves. It isn't about the money for you, its about the challenge, personal growth and satisfaction.
See, I am learning what it is I need myself and that I need these from you too. Just because I choose to be single right now does not mean that I don't think that you are out there. Maybe I have met you, maybe not. But more importantly I know that these things are possible. Some of it is blind faith, some of it hope, but a lot of it is that if you don't come along I will be okay with that too. As I meet other people along the way in the hopes of getting to you, I will learn more about myself and grow as a result. Oh, I want to meet you. I want to have someone like you in my life. To be challenged, to feel that true intimacy and connection where I can open up completely. Where I don't just show you one or two compartments of myself (like I have done in all my relationships this far) but throw the doors wide open. Where being vulnerable is safe.
And in return I will give you something pretty amazing. Me. Completely. I will be your teammate, and co-pilot. You can count on me to support you, believe in you and be there. Though it will be so hard for me, I will trust you and open myself to you. Share my ideas, dreams and passions. You can come inside my life. Feel my energy and share in it. There will be a confidence between us, where we trust and respect each other without any need for jealousy or ownership. Simple.
Though I have never had this, I know it is possible. Its out there! And I am willing to wait. Wait to be surprised by it or to be an architect in building it with you. You are out there. As I become more self aware I take one step closer to you.
See, I am learning what it is I need myself and that I need these from you too. Just because I choose to be single right now does not mean that I don't think that you are out there. Maybe I have met you, maybe not. But more importantly I know that these things are possible. Some of it is blind faith, some of it hope, but a lot of it is that if you don't come along I will be okay with that too. As I meet other people along the way in the hopes of getting to you, I will learn more about myself and grow as a result. Oh, I want to meet you. I want to have someone like you in my life. To be challenged, to feel that true intimacy and connection where I can open up completely. Where I don't just show you one or two compartments of myself (like I have done in all my relationships this far) but throw the doors wide open. Where being vulnerable is safe.
And in return I will give you something pretty amazing. Me. Completely. I will be your teammate, and co-pilot. You can count on me to support you, believe in you and be there. Though it will be so hard for me, I will trust you and open myself to you. Share my ideas, dreams and passions. You can come inside my life. Feel my energy and share in it. There will be a confidence between us, where we trust and respect each other without any need for jealousy or ownership. Simple.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Incredible beauty: part 2
And this post is about the beauty of words. Words that reveal the soul of a person or touch your own with impact. A friend said to me that they are seeking to be a better person. To find truth and what it is that they need. To no longer have sex with people they are not in love with as when they do it they feel like they give away another small piece of who they are.
When I read this, I paused. Then I felt teary. Yes, I understand. When we just have sex-- it can be so physically satisfying and sometimes that is enough. Yet when what we really want is that connection and to feel love, acceptance and to be seen.... we end up giving a part of ourselves away instead of being empowered. Love is not sex. Sex is not love. Yet, sex can be done with love. Sadly, love cannot be created with sex. What I realized was that each of us needs to be so cognizant of what it is we really want. There is no shame in wanting something simple like physical satisfaction. There is no shame in admitting that you are a person who needs someone in their life to feel complete. We are each unique.
What is sad is when people chase one, or the other, or anything with the hopes that someone or something else will fill the space. My friend's honesty with me struck me so profoundly. I replied that "all anyone really wants is for someone to see beyond the veneer. To see the deeper 'us' and in seeing that person, we are bared. That someone will love us at our best, or worst. But more than that, that we feel completely understood and able to have that other person see the ME and not the person that they WANT to see...."
And I believe each of us can find this. Sometime. Perhaps we may only have that person for a short short time. I think I may have had my person like that some time ago, and at times fear I never will again feel that safety. Perhaps, perhaps not. I cannot dwell. Instead, I think just being provoked to recognize I still carry this person so closely to my heart, by the beautiful words given to me by my friend was such a gift.
Word are wonderful. Powerful. They can wound, they can heal. They can comfort. Some things are better left unsaid, I believe. Yet sometimes, we have to say the difficult to move beyond. Incredible beauty can be outlined with words, illuminating all the wonders that surround us.
When I read this, I paused. Then I felt teary. Yes, I understand. When we just have sex-- it can be so physically satisfying and sometimes that is enough. Yet when what we really want is that connection and to feel love, acceptance and to be seen.... we end up giving a part of ourselves away instead of being empowered. Love is not sex. Sex is not love. Yet, sex can be done with love. Sadly, love cannot be created with sex. What I realized was that each of us needs to be so cognizant of what it is we really want. There is no shame in wanting something simple like physical satisfaction. There is no shame in admitting that you are a person who needs someone in their life to feel complete. We are each unique.
What is sad is when people chase one, or the other, or anything with the hopes that someone or something else will fill the space. My friend's honesty with me struck me so profoundly. I replied that "all anyone really wants is for someone to see beyond the veneer. To see the deeper 'us' and in seeing that person, we are bared. That someone will love us at our best, or worst. But more than that, that we feel completely understood and able to have that other person see the ME and not the person that they WANT to see...."
And I believe each of us can find this. Sometime. Perhaps we may only have that person for a short short time. I think I may have had my person like that some time ago, and at times fear I never will again feel that safety. Perhaps, perhaps not. I cannot dwell. Instead, I think just being provoked to recognize I still carry this person so closely to my heart, by the beautiful words given to me by my friend was such a gift.
Word are wonderful. Powerful. They can wound, they can heal. They can comfort. Some things are better left unsaid, I believe. Yet sometimes, we have to say the difficult to move beyond. Incredible beauty can be outlined with words, illuminating all the wonders that surround us.
Incredible beauty
Sometimes we have things happen that strike us and overcome us. It could be a phrase uttered by a friend, or a situation that shows you your own capabilities. I have had both things happen in the last week or so.
The physical experience was to discover new life right here at work, in the barn. A ewe was pregnant, unknown by me (not unusual as it is very difficult to tell is a sheep is pregnant) and in the frigid cold she had two lambs. One was cold and dead, the other though growing cold was still alive. I was paralyzed for only a moment before I moved. Removing the dead lamb and explaining to my young daughter that yes, it was dead, yes it was sad, but sometimes nature knows best. I moved on to the living one. Feeling its frail body. Wanting to trust in the mother. I solicited advice from friends who grew up on farms, tried to stimulate the mom to react. Put up a heat lamp, but as time passed I saw that it was going to come to a decision. And in a split second I knew I could not leave this tiny scrap of life to the elements. Foolish perhaps, but I have this luxury as I am not a "real" farmer who has a flock of many sheep. I bundled the hypothermic lamb inside she went. I warmed her and rinsed her in water to gently raise her temperature. Then bundled her in towels, gently drying her. Then held her wrapped in warm blankets like the newborn she was, against my chest.
All night I held this little scrap of life. Hoping against hopes that I could pull her through. Trying. With help from a friend we got colostrum that I milked from the reluctant mom and fed via spoon. Then, I hunted down some milk replacer. Another tense night was spent with me arising every 3 hours to feed her. The morning I still felt we were on the edge. Yet, after last night and the excellent feedings today I see her growing more strength. Such relief. How much I want this little lamb to survive. How hard I am trying. As the bottle making and feedings take me back many years to my children's days of infancy! I am so weary.... yet I would not give it up. This little creature came for a reason. What a challenge. Am I a real farmer now? Not sure. But I do know I truly truly truly adore living things. Little snowy. Sweet little lamb.
Snowy
Legs splayed and shaky
Milky lips and silken ears
Showing me just how amazing and fragile life is.
The physical experience was to discover new life right here at work, in the barn. A ewe was pregnant, unknown by me (not unusual as it is very difficult to tell is a sheep is pregnant) and in the frigid cold she had two lambs. One was cold and dead, the other though growing cold was still alive. I was paralyzed for only a moment before I moved. Removing the dead lamb and explaining to my young daughter that yes, it was dead, yes it was sad, but sometimes nature knows best. I moved on to the living one. Feeling its frail body. Wanting to trust in the mother. I solicited advice from friends who grew up on farms, tried to stimulate the mom to react. Put up a heat lamp, but as time passed I saw that it was going to come to a decision. And in a split second I knew I could not leave this tiny scrap of life to the elements. Foolish perhaps, but I have this luxury as I am not a "real" farmer who has a flock of many sheep. I bundled the hypothermic lamb inside she went. I warmed her and rinsed her in water to gently raise her temperature. Then bundled her in towels, gently drying her. Then held her wrapped in warm blankets like the newborn she was, against my chest.
All night I held this little scrap of life. Hoping against hopes that I could pull her through. Trying. With help from a friend we got colostrum that I milked from the reluctant mom and fed via spoon. Then, I hunted down some milk replacer. Another tense night was spent with me arising every 3 hours to feed her. The morning I still felt we were on the edge. Yet, after last night and the excellent feedings today I see her growing more strength. Such relief. How much I want this little lamb to survive. How hard I am trying. As the bottle making and feedings take me back many years to my children's days of infancy! I am so weary.... yet I would not give it up. This little creature came for a reason. What a challenge. Am I a real farmer now? Not sure. But I do know I truly truly truly adore living things. Little snowy. Sweet little lamb.
Snowy
Legs splayed and shaky
Milky lips and silken ears
Showing me just how amazing and fragile life is.
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