I need to think of "Awesome"

If you haven't heard of the book of Awesome, you need to go to 1000 Awesome Things .  It is incredible.  He started the whole blog up when he was in a dark place and in need of focus.  Focus on the GOOD things around him.  The little things.  And gosh darn it.... it worked.  Like everyone (everyone being those life coach people) says, if you begin to appreciate simplicity, the small things, your life becomes richer.  The first time I read parts of his book I howled.  Some are just so funny.  Overall, I was left with the sense that as we become more individualistic and drawn into thinking "I am just SOOoooo special", we really are all the same.  We have all crawled back into bed on a cold night and marvelled at the warmth of the cocoon of sheets.  Most of us have had the sensation of fufillment when really really thirsty and you have that gulp of water.  We are all living things that have pretty similar experiences (north americans anyway).  Not so unique.

So, I am thinking I should start my tally of awesome.  Maybe put it as a side bar?  Hmmm.  There is a thought.  Something to remind me that no matter how crappy I feel, or anxious my mood, there is good to be found and thought of!

Surrender to the Chaos....

The advice that resonated with me at this moment.  Surrender.  To let go, give over, "relinquish your will".... ah, yes.  Surrender.  What a tall order, and yet a wise one.  I felt a few moments of surrender as I did chores and cared for the animals this evening.  Smelling the cooling evening air with that distinct rich flavour.  I felt my shoulder relax a good two inches south! 


I think the concept of surrender is one I need to practise more.  To surrender to that which I cannot control and trust that what will come, will indeed come my way.  That people and things will arise in the given situation.  Friday brought a call that was both unexpected and expected at the same time.  I made my move, then surrendered knowing that I have moved far enough forward that I had surrendered to the situation.  It was not within my control, I wras not about to engage in it nor event participate in a small way.  What surprised me was that my request was heard, and I was allowed to not participate.  Thank you.
In my life I am trying to feel more fully my own singular reality and understand how it affects and connects with others.  Taking responsibility for only that which is mine to hold and carry.  Sounds easy enough.... but not for me.
How we grow.  How we learn!  How I understand how people can want to "check out" whether it be through addictions, suicide or nervous breakdowns.  The funny thing?  It is just recently I have had this feeling strike and many around me have sent me messages affirming my strength and giving encouragement.  If I just let go.... the universe will send what it will.... I hope anyway.

Decompression

I am off for a few days of decompression thanks to a good friend and her cottage. Ahhhh. Feeling swamped by the overwhelming realities of a management job where I am the captain of the ship.... Whew. Focus. I think this few days will allow me the time to filter and refocus and get that perspective the day to day is just not allowing me.

I feel a bit sad as it is our last week of regular summer programming so I lose the daily contact with my University student summer staff. They are such a wonderful crew, it will feel decidedly lonely with no kids running around and no staff to distract and make me laugh. The summer flew by. Incredible. Time flies when you are having fun! And DAMN I am having fun.

It feels like fall is sneaking up. Cooler mornings and the Black Walnut trees seem determined to cover my car with leaves! As I look back over the summer I smile. Not unlike this year, wow, has this summer ever been one filled with incredible life lessons. Sadly, a couple really important people have fallen out of my life but perhaps that is for the better. A few new people have entered and brought a wonderful new realm of possibilities to me. It is life, it has its ups and downs but no matter what.... it is good.

Clarity

Sometimes you need it and want it. Other times you "got it" and sometimes, it feels like something you just never will have. I am always reminded of a saying my best friend since Grade Two says... "life is like juggling. Keeping two balls up in the air is one thing, but add a third or fourth to the mix and something is always hitting the ground". Ahhh. Wise woman. I think this goes well with clarity. You may have clarity on one or two fronts but never on all. Hell, that would make life downright easy would it not? As I laugh heartily at the thought...

Clarity I am finding in my personal emotional space. After turmoil and struggle and feeling alone in a relationship, I finally have CLARITY as to why. What it was that I had to learn. What it is that I need in the next relationship. What I find funny is how nonchalant I feel about marriage ever again. That I feel like maybe, maybe not - as to going down that road. That when I read all these dating articles about women wanting "committment and to have that security" that I feel like saying 'not this cat'! Do I want someone in my life? Absolutely. Do I want to date and date and date incessently? God no. Exhausting. Too much crap out there to wade through! I would however like that someone to craft an alternative relationship with.

So, just what does this alternative relationship look like? Ah, the clarity of what I need comes into play here! My plan would be to have one person with whom I am connected. We spend time together as life allows, but have our separate space too. We act as each other's professional and personal sounding boards and provide encouragement for the other to reach higher. On the other hand, also the soft space to fall if one should need it. Each brings their whole, not a part! I don't want to be a singular unit but instead a stellar kick ass team. I'd want modified monogamy... in that we would be monogamous but should the need to step outside that arise it is openly discussed and if okay, that space is granted. Ahhh... you see how un-marriage like it is? Is it a mind f**ck for you or do you get it? It is all about clarity in where I myself am at. It wouldnt work for everyone. But damn, it'd work for me. The space where each person is their own -- yet space for each other put there too. Separate yet equal. Space and time to want to be with the other person again. Enough space to not take them for granted.

Clarity. Mind space. Perspective. Rumination with results.

S'all good, baby. S'all good.

Thank you.....

.... to all the wonderful people who emailed me, sent me cards and wrote on my Facebook Wall to say happy birthday! So many people. People I never expected to take the time to say hello! What a wonderful feeling it gave me! Simple pleasures. Truly. I had an amazing evening out, taken out for a fantastic dinner -- wined and dined so to speak. Great conversation, great food, great company. It is then that you realize how good things can be. If only for that moment. Or longer if possible. No guarantee or expectations.

Then there are those who I didnt hear from, and though disappointed I sorta expected it. The "sorta disappointed" I think arises from discovering the truth you had hoped was not, in fact is! If you follow! But, when the wonderful outweighs the not so great many times over, you know you are good. Laughter here!

As I approach life on my own terms I am working to remember I have lots to offer others, that each of has a place and people will come in as they always have... to enrich our life.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Another year upon me. Another year older and wiser (I hope). If I sit back and ponder on the past year it has been pretty monumental....

Career change, job change, house sold and bought and moved again.
Love found, love lost, love ended.
Focus found. Heart opened. Opportunity about everywhere!
Job of my dreams.
New people.
Wow.

Happy birthday to me... I think I need a new pair of shoes...

Being Seen

I am beginning to understand the desire people have to be "seen". It is this desire I think that is fueling my desire to find some sort of relationship now that my marriage is officially done, though the intimacy and connection has been gone for some time. My desire for being seen, for allowing someone to see me in my rawness and complete authenticity is very strong after being so disconnected (which makes me sad) for such a long time in my own marriage. How much I want to feel that connection.

I last felt that intense connection with someone I was in a relationship with when I was in University. Despite it not working out, I always felt like A really knew me. And I him. Many thought of us as a team, a dynamic duo! Driving in his car, listening to U2 and going wherever was a joy. We were able to revel in the moment. To some degree I recognize age and my youth had something to do with the ability to connect like this. While it was not destined to work out, I am so incredibly grateful for what he gave to me. Teaching me that there ARE people out there who will understand and appreciate you. See you for your inner and outer beauty. Eyes open wide and arms wrapping around you.

As I approach the idea of dating, it is sort of terrifying. What has not changed since dating in my 20's is the superficiality of people. You would THINK as people age and grow that they would recognize it is not so much what you want, but the things that are dealbreakers! No one can live up to a wish list, a supermodel's looks, or movies/novels. Life is complicated.

As I stand facing many possibilities of rejection, I must remind myself that I have had a good marriage behind me. Relationships with wonderful loving people who gave to me of themselves and helped me to grow. There will be others. I am not a half-asser in life. I don't want run of the mill. Chances are, if they pass me by I probably wouldnt have wanted them anyway. It is them missing out on me. I need to reaffirm that I am unique and deserving of good things. And they will come. No rush.

Think I will continue to pull back and just take time. Do work, my friends, my children and develop and grow my photography and art. If the universe could bring me to this point of great happiness in my life, it too will bring the right people in as I work towards authenticity and growth.

I still need a hug though!

Open up your heart and laugh!

Just open up to the possibilities, opportunities, people, lessons.... and when you need to let go or even appreciate the moment....LAUGH!

This week has given me plenty of challenges from one of my kids struggling with life transitions, to server/hard drive crash (and subsequently not having any files being recoverable!), to physical things, to feeling a little emotionally vulnerable. But, on the flip side I have laughed so hard! I have felt so joyful this week. So appreciative of life and the opportunities presenting themselves! Here I am, in a new position with the chance to use my teaching, volunteer management and passion for agriculture! WOW! On top of that, the facility has animals that I get to enjoy daily. Since my arrival we have grown by 5, adding a baby miniature donkey and last night 4 sheep! Coaxing the sheep off the back of cube van last night was a laugh in itself. Poor befuddled and very wooley sheep!

My birthday is next week, and I have now blogged for over a year. Wow. I am amazed how it has flown and how today, right now, I am in a radically different place than 12 months ago! Last year at my birthday I gave myself the waterlily tattoo... and it has been a centering force almost! It went on as a symbol of what was, and the blossoming that was occurring. That was the beginning. I feel as though who I am has grown and strengthened, my focus grown clearer and I have drawn in the most amazing people!

What a year. If I end up doing nothing but sitting back with a glass of wine on my own for my birthday, that will be okay because man.... what a year. What a laugh!

Endings.... Beginnings.... Older, perhaps wiser.

To begin is to step forward with a spring and a dream in your mind.
To finality and break of an end makes me sad.
I think of leaving somewhere special, saying goodbye to someone special, of letting go when perhaps you are not ready.

I love beginnings. Endings not so much. Yet, to begin something there has to be an ending. My visual image of his is a circle. A curve which clasps at itself. Bittersweet.

Endings have value in that they force us to take stock of what was and pause to think on what will be. If we so choose. So, I pause. Thank you to the last decade for the lessons it brought, the joys, the gifts, my children. My ending is not that any of this is going away or being shut in a dark closet, but that I have to let go of the security of what was to find the uncertainty of what will be.

“Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” RUMI

Lesson number 217 from a Blog I read regularly....

Start afresh. Whew. Now there is a thought. It sounds so damn appealing and I thought "yeah yeah yeah" but when I slowed it occurred to me. Could you erase ALL the emails in you account and start fresh? Would you get rid of all the piled up stuff sitting on the desk and say "hey, its been there X number of days and I have not used it so far..." or can you just close the door on a relationship and say "fini"?

Surely everyone will differ in their answer but most of us would say no. Me too. But, her blog came at an interesting turning point where to some degree I am starting fresh. Today. What will I choose? Where will I go? Who will I be? Thank heavens most of these things are predetermined to some degree by life circumstances. To have to REALLY start fresh would be pretty terrifying. No family, friends, history etc. Amazing how we rely on our history. Others knowledge of us and the stories we have created and choose to uphold. Some relationships are nothing but that story we pretend is real even though if we chose to be honest with ourselves, the reality is as insubstantial as mist when compared with the story we have chosen to adhere to.

Many people right now are confused with what is going on with my choices in life. But others who know me deeply and with clarity (not the mist of story) understand. It is scary and good at the same time. Relief, regret, anxiety, happiness, respect, appreciation are all feelings that come to the tip of my tongue quickly at this moment in my life. I am not starting afresh 100%, but enough to feel the thrill and apprehension.

At the edge of the ocean.... I throw myself into the water.....

Good I swim well!

Metamorphosis: Instant Chemistry

Beautiful and strikes me for many reasons... You? Click on title, read and see the beautiful picture.


Metamorphosis: Instant Chemistry

All you need is love

Or so they say.

I went to a wedding and despite my usual lack of enjoyment of weddings I found myself deeply touched by this one. The ceremony was so much a celebration and embracing of these two people. Both them embracing a new path together, but also them gathering all us around them and pulling it together. The ceremony reflected them. Their vows were beautiful. I thought to myself "they get it". It seemed they understood the deep connection you need to someone as a friend, lover, companion, partner to make it work. Damn. Wish I had the same level of knowledge these two have when I decided to say yes to the marriage thing!

Instead of envious, I felt joyful at their glowing love. It inspired me somewhat. To actually entertain that I too might find someone I connect with on that deep level and be able to make a space and move forward with them. Marriage is an institution and not something I feel any pressure to enter again. I was lucky enough to be married to a great friend, and to have two great kids. A re-do of that is not necessary or possible really. But to feel that depth of connection, that love and soulful connect in your life would be beautiful.

As I work to be the best person I can be, authentic, honest, and to let some of my walls down.... perhaps I too will be able to find that love. Perhaps. Just knowing it is out there and possible however, is enough for now.

Time to process

Sometimes I think I've lost my mind
I thought I left my past behind
I live my life and all I know is
Follow your dream and don't let go

No one can live for me
No one can see the things I see
I walk this road
No one can tell me how to be
It's my destiny

There is no right, there is no wrong
There is no place where I belong
I've done my time
I've held it strong and
My life is all about this song

No one can live for me
No one can see the things I see
I walk this road
No one can tell me how to be
It's my destiny

If I threw them all away
Would it change?
No
I would live my life again, rearranged
There's a magic in my heart
That I feel
~Lenny Kravitz~

I am working to process things the way I always do. Take it, weigh it, find the lesson, process, move forward. Sigh. I thought I had a few key things figured out. And I do! But others are just too unpredictable. Blame it on the heart.

Where I am is here. Like Lenny said, no one can tell me how to be and it is my dream which I have to live. To live someone else's life path no matter how successful you are at that is a failure as it will never be true to your soul. It will never feel right.