It never ceases to amaze me how we can become consumed with the day to day duties of life. The running of a household, keeping on top of work, trying to be a good spouse/parent. There are enough 'things' to keep you busy, moving and occupied. And no matter how hard I try to fill the mid-winter blue and irritable space in me with mindless duties..... it creeps back in.
The thing about anxiety and depression is that it is a part of you that is always there. You can be happy, enjoying a moment and that component of you is quelled. For now. All can be going splendidly but if you are quiet... within that solitude also creeps that darkness. Darkness is always within, always there. It is a force difficult to describe. When it rears up, it is like a too tight neckline chafing and irritating. You KNOW you can take it off, but the irritation has already started. And when you do, it transfers itself to a tag in your pants... you can never eliminate it.
The hardest part? The self-recriminations, assault of failures and questions of future success. It is no wonder when the beast creeps in we want to sleep. Just close our eyes and drift somewhere else, hoping that when we awake it will be better. For those of us who are all too aware of our psyche, we balance our 'academic knowledge' of it being an ever changing thing with the current and pressing reality.
For me the hard part? I am a deeply positive person and believe in others, the world and the ability of things to generally turn out well. I see opportunities for others and delight in the happiness around me. Yet for some weird reason I am terrified to let to much in. Perhaps for fear that I will get used to it only to have it ripped out from under me again....
I think my life challenge is learning to deal with this deep anxiety and doubt within me, allow it to question but not rule my life. To learn to see in myself what good others see. Truly I don't see it, and because i am a tough cookie and a giver most people never think to tell me they love, appreciate, miss, or want me. And I try never to NOT say these to those I care about. I suppose, I give others what I myself want as I struggle in the dark winter months. I give others the encouragement, the ego supporting feedback and the expressions of caring. I know it is there for me, I just need to remind myself to OPEN THE DOOR!
