Education is about Learning. Not Compliance.

Ahhhh, I have opened a whole can of worms haven't I?

I myself often wondered this when I taught. As I became disillusioned of teaching within our elementary school system I questioned our heavy reliance on regurgitation. We test on things, not how well an individual can integrate and apply this knowledge. I often was stopped dead in my tracks by an out-of-the-box thinker. One boy in Grade 2 was one such child. He in all liklihood had ADHD and some processing difficulties and as a result of our rigid system, his marks certainly did not reflect his abilities. He was so bright! He prompted me to research the different way snakes give birth. Some lay eggs, others hold their eggs internally and the young then bursts forth from those internally held eggs. Making the whole issue of live birth a point of contention for this child as we discussed mammals. What a kid!

As our society changes and modifies itself, the social architects cry about the need for creative thinkers in the new millenium. Interesting, as our system seems not to breed that many creative thinkers and we invest paltry amounts into education (less than the US ironically). Yet, we allow more creativity than systems you might see in China, Japan or India. We sit stoically in the middle, on the fence. Neither excelling in the hard facts of medicine, technology, hard science.... and not producing vast quantities of creative souls either.

What is the answer? Damned if I know. I guess it comes down to us parents taking the time to engage and encourage our own young. Challenging them. I also toy with the idea of providing wider streams within education. Becoming aware that it is OKAY that not everyone is bound for University. That not everyone being a "level 3" is okay too! From an earlier age I think we need to create environments for success where kids can be both "doers" and "learners". Like the old systems in the Eastern Block countries where kids streamed early into technical opportunities. Yet this is imperfect as it relies on someone making decisions about what route that kid should take.

I guess my frustration arises as I meet so many people who are brilliant in their own area. Who are articulate and yet question their own intelligence due to their experience in the indoctrination of education. We are getting there, I see it as the system has created an alternative education opportunity for my best friend's son. Yet, the system kept on forcing the same old until the kid reached crisis levels.

The more I read, the more I realize I have yet to read. The more I learn, the more I realize I do not know. And instead of terrifying me... it is exhilirating! Lucky me, I made it through the system. It was not easy, and I was lucky enough to have parents both intelligent and questioning in nature. Now as a parent myself, I look at the systems within society-- education being the one we place inordinate pressures on-- and wonder if it is up to the challenge.

Loss of a Mother : Long term impact, an evaluation

I must confess, I love my title. Sounds like the beginning of a thesis does it not? After all the introspection I have been doing in the last 9 months or so, but especially in the last month I think I could write a thesis on myself. One interesting thing I have discovered is that we can understand the impacts of various events in our lives in academic terms, acknowledge their importance and resulting patterns, but it hardly means we are any better at changing the course of how our life unfolds!

At someone's urging, I am revisiting a book which looks at the long term impacts children who have lost their Mother. A large component of the book is based on a survey done on 573 participants who lost their Mother. What is so significant is that there are certain commonalities that exist within this group. They are 3X more likely to be highly successful and creative, but are also 3X more likely than the general population to end up in conflict with the legal system. Another study indicates that those who have lost their mother have higher anxiety in their relationships, and an underlying fear of abandonment. The studies speak to the driving forces behind those individuals who have lost their mother, and that there is a long term impact whether recognized or not. That the experience of losing a mother often pushes an individual into hyperfunctionality. That often one will become highly independent and self-reliant within most aspects of their life, but especially in their emotional relationships.

The hyperfunctional person does not avoid relationships, but actively engages in a 'helper' or 'fixer' mode, managing to deal with everyone else while avoiding the real depths of their own self. When I read this I was struck by it. It was not something I had caught when I read this book some 10 years ago, but at this point in my life it was like an explanation of my actions over the last decade. The irony of the hyperfunctional, is that they do not allow themselves to emotionally 'lean' on anyone, having lost the most significant relationship where 'leaning' took place.

As I think on the material, the studies, the behaviours... I completely see the truth of the studies in my own life. My own choices and behaviours. Academically, I understand all the 'stuff'. The reality however, is that I am unsure as to how to apply this knowledge. There are no answers that come with the studies that give you the key to unlocking the child trapped inside the hyperfunctional person. No tried and true method to becoming 'okay' with the series of losses in your life.

My thought is, that if I could talk about it with someone who has gone through it, work through the trauma and choices we all have experienced or made, that maybe then I would fully own the reality rather than function around it. As though by speaking the name, I had incapacitated the monster.... I look at my brother who has found his happiness and love in someone who also shares the experience of losing a mother, it is like he has spent years waiting for her to come around and now that she has-- he is lit up like a Christmas tree. Beautiful to watch.

The Love of Christmas

Let me count the ways I love you....

Christmas that is! The smell of the tree, going through the decorations and the attached memories, the day by day enjoyment of my old Advent Calendar by my own kids, christmas lights glowing through snow on bushes, reading holiday stories, finding that *perfect* gift for someone, getting pictures of my friends kids in the mail with holiday cards, being able to say happy holidays and make people smile, the smell of gingerbread cookies baking, the smell of apple cider simmering with spices.....

Add in the excitement of my own children as they count down the days.... or my little guy telling me that "the real part of Christmas is being with family and friends and laughing and having fun", and lets not forget all the food.... the Christmas cake, gingerbread cookies, shortbread, tourtiere, turkey and stuffing, chocolates, and enjoying a coffee and Bailey's while you sit back and survey the mess following gift unwrapping....

Christmas for me truly is about the memories, the time with family, love. I like the feeling of it. I love the tradition and my part in keeping it going.

Christmas, I love you!

Let the laughter begin!

So with a new house come new methods of cleaning. This house has wonderful old hardwood floors. After cleaning them with Murphy's Oil Soap I noticed that the cleaning did not really help the worn spots. So, I pondered over what to do. I noticed the can of paste wax I had for using with some of my antique furniture.... hmmmm thought I.... After consulting someone else, then reading the can I thought hey! I can revive those worn spots in no time!

Have I mentioned that I LOVE cleaning? And that once I get going I am like a tornado force? Too funny. So I got out the cheesecloth and buffing cloth and began in a small spot. Worked well. Moved to the next spot.... and so on. Then got to the dining room. Well. Lots of worn spots. The tornado force kicked in. I went a little nuts. Before I knew it, I had a sweat going and the dining room and den were done. Lovely.

So here is the laughter component. There is a reason people don't wax floors anymore (besides the effort being excessive) and that is because holy SH*T does paste wax ever make the floor slippery!

I warned everyone, but who went slipping across the floor and right on to her keister? Yup. Me. And I laughed. Damn overcleaner that I am. There will be no more waxing.... guess I will refinish after all!

Do I dare to start using a heat gun to strip the 10 inch baseboards.... or does anyone else see potential issues with me going a little gung ho?? Holiday time is here.... let the wild work begin!

Sychronicity at work again....

I am smiling as I write this. Amazed at how a passion of mine (photography) would connect me to my Mum at a time when I have been missing her presence. I had been looking for photography classes in my area, when I stumbled across a name which was familiar, and when I followed the link I arrived at a website for someone who teaches all the things I am struggling to express myself. This person coaches creativity, teaches journalling and art classes, and photography. She is also someone who was friends with my Mum, taught with my Mum, and was there at the house (though I had forgotten) the night my Mum died. How incredible. The world is large, yet it is small too. I cannot help but believe that there is a reason for this seemingly random occurrence that is so deeply personal. At a time when I am struggling with the deeply personal.

Will you light my way on a twisting road?
Make promises and keep me safe?
Life crunching like gravel underfoot
Uncertain ground where stumbling and stopping
Starting and failing
Trying and striving seems par for this course
Where is the light?
Didn't you promise?
Frustration in the fight
Grey weariness hangs like a heavy cloak
Yet
Sometimes
People emerge like Aphrodite from the ocean
Exquisitely timely
When opening our eyes and hearts to the possibility

Manifesto for forging onward....

“Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens" Kahlil Gibran

"Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action"
Benjamin Disraeli

Both ring true. Both applicable to me, and most people. I have always loved Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet" and own a copy given to me by a friend. I truly try to live by these words of wisdom. It is almost saying that mistakes are to be expected, they are lessons. They are only accepted based on how effectively learn and respond to them.

The latter quote brings to the forefront of my mind the reality that so many fail to accept.... that to do nothing is also an action and a choice. At some point we have to stop and ask ourselves if truly we are moving forward or simply perpetuating the same status quo. But, we all know (even if we do not admit it) that you cannot do the same as always and expect a different outcome! So often I hear complaints, woes, stories about someone's life. While I am a highly empathetic person, I often think that perhaps this person is failing to learn the lesson at hand and failing themselves by not taking ownership to take action. While I understand that action often equals change, and change for most is terrifying.... stop expecting others to fix YOU and YOUR situation. It never seems a 'perfect time' for action, but we make choices anyway. To change jobs, have kids, get married, divorced, start being healthy, quitting bad habits....

Why not start taking responsibility for your own happiness too? Like we do our education, our jobs, our children? Face reality, once step at a time. Terrifying, believe me I know! But, by opening myself up to what is out there for me I am opening up to taking the risk of letting myself finally be happy. Recognizing that I am worthy of being happy too.

Tail Spin

As the title would suggest, I am struggling with a bit of a tail spin. Or as a good friend calls it, a "speed wobble". I am juggling the responsibilities of my life fairly well, and have been for the last 5 years or so. After a visit on Wed. to a friendly neighborhood therapist, I have been undone. Set into tail spin. Questioning all that is and around me. All that was.

She called me on my constant movement, action, DOING. Not being still. Not taking the time to hear the inner voices. Admitting she is right was so hard. That yes, I am very community minded-- but all my committments serve a personal purpose too. Seeking outside ways to fill my intellectual/personal needs going unmet. The irony? It worked for such a good long time. Moving, moving, moving, embracing changes and challenges.... it all spurred me on and created just enough external focus for me to silence the inner voices. She also pointed out that I may never find anyone who fills the emotional space in me, so I had better take the time to find ways to tend it myself as well. I am going to tend it, that is so much of what this year is about I think. But I also choose to believe that between me and someone else, I can adequately fill my emotional core.

As I have said before, this past year has been one of awakening. Of growth, change, re-rooting and re-discovering of myself. The inner voice, (I think of her as my inner child) will no longer be silenced. She has been screaming and shouting and making demands for 7, almost 8 months. There is that number seven again. My number.

What am I to do? Not sure. Whatever it is, maintaining normalcy for my kids is top priority... kids just need security and predictability and love. I can do that. But long term, happy Mummy means a good parent. They are letting me do a bit more and complaining less. Me working, taking classes is less of an imposition to them.

I read something someone said to the effect that 'the adventures we will have in life is dependent on how many times we say yes'. How am I opening myself up, to that inner emotional me?

Hey-- I got a plan.... I ALWAYS have a plan.... welcome to Ms. Bossy Boots world! Hah, if only I could translate my confidence into reality! Honestly, I know it will unfurl as it does. The road I travel is winding and often I cannot see what is around the corner....

Ohhhh the snow....

I have never driven on black ice covered with snow... hang on, I did today! What an evening. The meeting cancelled, I turned around and headed back home. The highway was nuts, so I got off. Mistake. Going through town was equal trouble. Cars sliding everywhere on the downhill, struggling on the uphill. In town no less. I crept along at a slower pace than I normally walk!

I ended up getting stuck on a patch of snow covered ice on an uphill, no going up or down to be had. Oh my. And sadly, was not driving a standard transmission either!! So, I tried and tried to move.... skidding nowhere but side to side. When a smiling face popped up to my window! A helpful guy stopped and pushed the backend while I geared down and tried to move forward. Thanks to him, I made it home. Further reinforcing my belief that kindness and good people are everywhere. No two-percenters to be found today. A normally 25 minute drive was almost 2 hrs. But I made it home in once piece, hungry and worn. Into pajamas I got, leftover homemade soup warmed and eaten, kids snuggled and to bed, this written, now off to bed.

Todays lessons.... (1)when you feel alone, good people have a way of popping up and renewing the sense that 'we are all connected'. (2) Being busy is a great way to ignore inner turmoil. Downtime has its downfalls (3) I am learning many things every day through my job, and I have really extended my understanding of communications within organizations lately. I'm proud of myself. (4) My big heart is a bit of a liability, good thing the big brain reigns it in.

Christmas and my Mum

Christmas is a wonderful time of year. Not for the presents, but for the GOOD things that come with the season. The memories of happy childhood memories, traditions re-visited and traditions created anew. I had a wonderful family event which has been happening for over a decade now. It is a gift exchange where all things which are brought must be homemade and for anyone. Each year gifts change, and yet some people have become specialists in their own unique gifts... one cousin creates games, on makes flannel pillowcases, an uncle is a master fudge maker, and an aunt always makes knitted items. Initially there was pressure to preform. But, as time has passed the pressure has mellowed and now there is a looseness and degree of silly fun. So good.

As spouses and children get added to the mix, the size of the event grows. As a result one cousin sent out an email asking everyone to report what they had brought and got. As a result of this email exchange, the spirit of my Mum popped very quickly to the surface. It seems now that despite this event being Christmas related, there is without a doubt an underpinning of it being a annual remembrance of Mum-- given that it is the 3 sisters and their family who attend. We all still come together, her death not something that cleaved us apart but instead glued us together.

Mum LOVED Christmas. The decoration, the anticipation, definately the baking (oh, her Christmas cake still makes my mouth water just from memories...) and you know? I continue to make things she did as a tribute. Like whipped shortbreads and PB balls. And I have forged my own traditions. As I endeavor to create the same magical environment for my children that she did for me and G, but also to keep it alive for N and J who never had enough time to feel her passion for the season.

Her lectures on giving, not getting are still remembered. That it is not whether it cost a one penny or one million, but the thought is what counts. These continue to ring so true. I love the giving, and when I get that simple thing so steeped in thoughtful contemplation of me I treasure it. Be it a pen, or an old t-shirt worn soft but passed on for sentimental reasons.

Today I got out for both work, and also in search of those very things I need to assist in the bringing of Christmas magic to my house, to my friends, my loved ones and even my community.

Creative expression.... are you hiding?

My photography muse has disappeared. Or perhaps I am not looking out into the world with the right lenses. Perhaps it is because I am struggling with a vague loneliness. A missing of some part of me... I think I know what it is, but I am afraid to answer it truthfully.

Creative expression is the part of me I have opened in this new chapter of life which began a while ago. The visual part of me is still there. I am drawn to the tactile arts and have arranged to be the assistant to a metal artist who made a fantastic sculpture of a maple seed pod. I am making steps and efforts to commit to my tactile and creative needs. My own expression seems to have fallen into words. Words are something I am hearing, dancing, all about me. From an interview on CBC I was captivated by ptolemic and pastiche, and later I stumbled across a poetry self-discovery book. I tried some of the exercises and wrote words that appealed to me. Had a ring. Like verdant and voracious, solemnify and arbitrary, incongruous, apothecary, azure, silken, rippled, ashen, ascertain, encompass. I let my mind wander where it would...

skin dappled with droplets of sun
recollection of another time
years accumulated
rounded smoothness suspended by musculature

or

moisture coalesced
between the planes hewn from one
heedless and headlong
forced from the garden
yet not able to dry

XOX-- Do you see yourself? Does a line touch you for some reason? You see, I finally get this poetry thing. It need not mean anything to anyone else. What I am referring to or what I meant does not really matter. For the play of the words is the application of colour on canvas. How your eyes interpret that colour and internalize is beyond my control. Like visual art, there is form and there is effect.

So you wanna be the boss?

Something I have thought on. I like being the boss, but let me qualify that with 'sometimes'. I had a lunch meeting with a a sponsor on Friday which really made me think on the question. It made me think, because we invited our someone from our own head office to join us at the last minute. As we casually discussed how the sponsor's program had unrolled, and brought some ideas to the table of ways to better benefit both them and us, I watched as the head office rep got increasingly agitated. Head office wanting one thing, and the sponsor wanting to deal with the people who directly administer their funding initiative. A conflict of vision. It made me think, would I **really** want to be at the helm of a ship where ass-kissing was key? Would I really want to be the one having people try to kiss mine? Not really.

The experience (however uncomfortable at the time) was very instrumental in me recognizing that if I am to realize my dream of becoming an executive director, it will have to be of a small grassroots organization. The 'corporate-ness' that comes with running a larger non-profit just does not appeal to me in the least. When you get to a point where image management and not issue drives the job of an ED, I want out! The whole experience made me recognize that it is passion for a cause, direct effect of services rendered, contact with the volunteers... these are all crucial to me. Not for me to feel powerful, but for me to feel connected. It is that very feeling of connectedness and use of my own skills that brings me satisfaction.

I guess what I need to start is a book entitled lessons I have learned... perhaps if I did this I really would internalize the lessons learned! Hmm, sounds like a new year's resolution in the making.....

As Snowflakes Softly fell....

And fall the snowflakes did. A few inches of sparkling fluffy stuff last night, more again in the morning and this afternoon my drive home from a meeting was with reduced visibility. Beautiful.

To remember the winter as a child is easy. Playing until your hands were cold and mitts were wet, wrists chaffed with the wet wool. Laying in the snow and feeling the cold slowly penetrate through the thick padding of your snowsuit. The crunch of snow under boot, the excitement at making a fort. Winter in Canada.

I love winter at night. The clear sky filled with sparkling stars. Breath that crystallizes as you exhale in the cold. It feels so much more still and silent with the buffer of snow. If only I could eliminate the whirr of snowmobiles! I loved working the winter nights for on-campus security when I lived in Thunder Bay. Sometimes we were lucky enough to catch northern lights cascade and swirl alongside the stars. Never have I seen skies as beautiful as those in Northwestern Ontario -- Spring Winter Summer or Fall.

Lately I have started taking my kids out to walk the dog with me in the dark. I miss the dusk time, but I do like the quiet of night, a close second. The kids bring their flashlights and chase the black dog among the shadows. A fun game for all involved. I feel like the dark is hardly something to be afraid of. I love the blanket it provides. Rich in its depth and strength.

As I cleared up after dinner I could hear the CBC coming from my office. A song was playing that caught me, the resonance of the voice. I dried my hands and went in to turn up the volume. I recognized the song, but could not put a finger on the artist. Hurrah for google. Royal Wood is the artist with the voice of gold and the song is Juliet. Have a tissue ready.....



You cannot help but be captured by the man's introspective expression. And the truck, oh, the truck. How I want that very truck! But I digress. I had an email forwarded to me about "the want". How we want things, feeling, the grass on the other side.... when I watched I felt deeply touched as I could identify deeply with his emotions and the loneliness he'd feel. It also made me wonder if I will have that depth of love for someone I have grown old with. I think we all do. We all 'want' to be the couple who holds hands. The woman whose husband touches her gently and with obvious care and love years later. To be loved like in "The Notebook". But is this just foolishness? Yet again another want that perhaps we already have but are too blind to see? Or perhaps something all people long for but are too afraid to capture for each action has an equal and opposite reaction?

I miss you Mum. I wish you were here, for your blunt honesty and ability to see deeper. I could use your advice.

Walmart Kills the Spirit...

Of Christmas. It also kills independent bookstores and probably people who slave away trying to make all the cheap crap people buy there. Sadly, I had to enter one today. In search of specific toys. Ugh. By the time I got to the toy aisle my IQ had dropped 20 points, and I felt devoid of any Christmas spirit. Shopping in those places is a chore and is meaningless consumerism. What is Christmas-y about spend spend spend? How many people will plunge themselves into further debt over one day?

Enough of my ranting. I picked up a glossy magazine as I stood there in the aisle awaiting check out with my plundered toys (LOL), and happened upon a Pablo Neruda quotation. Surely a quote from one of his poems. It was beautiful and moving in the moment and I almost bought the magazine to have that quote. The words are silently resonating within me and yet I cannot recall them. It drove me to look for it, and in doing so I happened upon other works by him. Beautiful. Some that struck my core....

If You Forget Me, Drunk as Drunk, The Question, are all poems I love and move me deeply. But I especially relate to this....

from "We are Many"
But when I call upon my DASHING BEING,
out comes the same OLD LAZY SELF,
and so I never know just WHO I AM,
nor how many I am, nor WHO WE WILL BE BEING.
I would like to be able to touch a bell
and call up my real self, the truly me,
because if I really need my proper self,
I must not allow myself to disappear

Change Management within Organizations.... or you!

I discovered at a recent course on Change Management techniques for organizations that really, change doesn't bother me as much as some. Change for me provides challenge, excitement and diversity. With no change, things stagnate. That being said, change in and of itself can be a dangerous endeavor! Don't I know it! Our Prof asked us to examine significant changes we have undergone professionally and personally. To examine similarities and differences. Then as the day progressed we learned the stages of change and were able to identify why they perhaps succeeded or failed. It was a course that came at a time of great significance in my personal and professional life.

The prof made a comment (almost like he had read my previous blog, synchonicity) and spoke on how we operate among clusters of people, and our own energy attracts others into these clusters for a variety of reasons. Often, it is the closest of relationships where you will see a balance being established between change resister and change promoter. Hmmmm though I. Too true.

I recognized my own part as being an advocate of change, but also that I am often a catalyst for change in others. I see so much opportunity in people, and when they hear me, and actually let the belief sink in I have seen people take that and move on to a new direction. THe hopeless do-gooder in me just wants people to get what they deserve and need. To find their own equilibrium and happy place. As I search for mine. Their success in turn motivates me to continue on.

Basically, change is broken into 6 stages... ironically I can take any major event and objectively examine it and identify what occurred in each phase. It is these steps that point out where we need to be open, and where the train derails!
1. Loss - recognize a change is afoot. What does it all mean to me. Very confused.
2. Doubt- why do I have to go thru this? Can't it be avoided?
3. Discomfort - impacts of the changes are being felt. Can sense the path, but no clarity. It is at this stage that most changes de-rail. people give up because it is too difficult or seems insurmountable. Most unproductive phase.
4. Discovery- You start to see changes in a new light. Clarity is coming. Anticipation is building and the possibilities emerge.
5. Understanding- You 'get' the change. It's need. How you fit in. How your role will go from here. Confidence is building, productivity returns.
6. Integration- Satisfaction with the change. You are focused forward and change that occurred is not consideration as you have mastered it.

Amazingly enough? This occurs to corporate re-structures, job role changes, or even personal events like divorce. Incredible. We imagine changes, we then implement them, but we must realize the true impacts and take the time to go back and evaluate that change. When change is implemented but never reviewed, it seldom is successful. To which, I agree.

We need to "Be the change you wish to see" as said by Gandhi. How true. Do not just wish or imagine. Don't be a woulda coulda shoulda. Sometimes the cost of standing still is far, greater than the cost of change. Yet the fear of change keeps people inert, unable to move, and the toll grows. Once again, what he said was like a smack between the eyes!

I am certainly not in a state of inertia... I am at Stage 3 in my personal life, the most dangerous. I have gotten over the hump and at Stage 4 professionally. Physically, my move has now reached Stage 5.... I will follow where that takes me.

And I leave with a quote from Peter Drucker, the father or Change Management studies... "The best way to predict the future is to create it".

the substance we all want
situational
changeable
dependent on everything yet nothing
flimsy untouchable uncontrollable
desired and fought for
denied while yearned
dreamed
desperately hoping reciprocation
depth
connection while here

Synchronicity

I have stumbled across many things in my lifetime. People, places, information... and often thought that it was odd how timely it was. Carl Jung was the one to term these seemingly unrelated occurrences (i.e. going out to pick something specific up at a store, and looking up and seeing a friend you had not seen in 10yrs but had thought of just that week... my personal example) SYNCHRONICITY.

It means all that happens occurs as the wheels of time turn, and coincide... we draw into our life people and things according to the energy we put out. There is even some scientific research into this. Those that follow this in a religious sense, say that if you watch how you travel through your life, keep perspective on it, you vibrate at a higher level. Synchronicities then cycle more frequently. You have to look more at the pattern, less on the specific event. Our soul constantly is preparing us for new experiences. Jung is incredibly specific and classifies the types of synchronistic events that can occur. Implicit in Jung's concept of synchronicity is the belief in the ultimate "oneness" of the universe. As Jung expressed it, such phenomenon betrays a "peculiar interdependence of objective elements among themselves as well as with the subjective (psychic) states of the observer or observers."

We are all interconnected in our own journeys, each supporting each other's growth and change if we are open to it. Or so Jung believed. I too believe. This thought supports my belief that good and bad things are not punishments/rewards for behaviour or choices. They merely are. We choose how to interact with our experiences. I think of illness. How awful terminal illness can be. I think of my experiences with my Mum's invasive cancer. And it is not the losses and negatives I dwell on. But the beauty she chose in how she dealt with it. The cancer support group she started. The emotional reconnect that occurred in our family. The people she touched. How much I learned about cancer, treatments, medicine and an appreciation for end of life care and pain management. That I do not fear death or see it as horrific, but instead an an end to something that had a beginning.

I guess we need to look less at WHY things happen, and accept that they are here and choose the place they will take in our lives. I have thought a lot lately about the place of illness in humanity.... illness beyond the scientific. How life could possibly mean to make people have kids who are sick. Or die. Or even in my case, have given me a premature baby that in turn affected so much havoc in my life. But when I still my mind, I too can say it all resulted in patterns and experiences with people. I used my tools of research to calm my own fears and in turn reassured others. I was able to support my own child and get the services he needed. I took a different route work wise, and learned about autism. My own child priming me to better appreciate the emotional weight of things no medecine can make go away.

There is a pattern in my life. It circles, weaves and bobs. There is no straight line. I am always rounding a corner so perhaps this is why I feel like I am always making choices in the short term. Perhaps. There are a pattern of people. People I have changed, others who have changed me. Some who have truly seen me, others who only see my shell. Through everything I am deepening my connection with myself and learning the hard lessons and taking what I must from them. I am learning that no matter what, the intensity of concern and care I have for others need not be a bad thing. It just is. Others may not get how I can care so deeply, or see so much potential in others.... but I do. It is me. And it is a driving force of the synchronicity in my life.

May my heart and care wrap around all those in my life like a swaddling blanket. Knowing that no matter what, when you turn to me I will still be there.

Moved....

Well the day of the move has come and gone. As I packed for a solid day and a half, I often thought "where does all this stuff come from??". Then the move. The movers made every penny that I paid them. They had a piano and oodles of boxes to move.... and move stuff they did! Upstairs, down to the basement for storage, and heavy heavy antiques. I am so sore today, I think my back muscles are swollen! Even a hot bath in my "new" old clawfoot tub did not help.... is this a sign of age? Methinks it may be so.....

I am NEVER moving again if I can possibly help it. At least not an entire house!

The funniest part... R asked this morning (at 5:45am) if we could paint her room today. My answer, "see these boxes? When they are all emptied and the house is tidy... THEN we will paint." Her answer, "tomorrow then?". Ah, the optimism of youth.

Body

connected
with muscles, tendons and skin
smooth and curved
bruises, bumps painted on for detail
scars character
dependably strong yet not utilitarian
saturated in energy
lushness hidden
warmth and languid limbs
not delicate except in details
mine

Reduced to a box

.... my life anyway. Reduced to the contents of a variety of boxes. And how liberating it is to just have it all boxed up and stacked so neatly. There is no urgent feeling to open the boxes. It has made me all to aware of how little I care about most of the "things" in my life. I honestly think I could go back to the University me who was two rubbermaid bins, a garment bag and a duffle bag, the one who moved every 4 months. Makes me realize why I am not a packrat. Not to mention, that in this digital age all we need is a laptop and a jump drive full of photos. No heavy albums.

When it is all boxed and cubically contained I wonder if I will feel the urge to leave it all behind? Unfortunately, or fortunately... depending which side you're on in my life, it is all just a feeling. I am too committed to the things in my life that need me and way to sensible. But that little cabin somewhere way up north.... the one with no running water, that I would winter out in it and experience first thaws of the north in.... It still calls!

Outward calmness
subdued and still
for some displays contentment
I am quelching the inner terror

Pressure sensed as moist humid air clinging
Breathing pinched tight
extremities cold
Waterlily stem withered under the hold

Life and decisions
me you we us them
community
inner and outer with yes challenging no

Too many voices buzzing
decisions beyond my current grasp
I retreat
Searching a haven

While cruising others blogs...

Here are a few things I read and was struck by....

"Two lovers born into this life,
Each born alone half of a whole.."


Take my hand
lets fly
nothing to hold us back
our future lies on the horizon
the clouds
rise in towers
and cradle our dreams
symphonies sing the skies
violins play a path at our feet
dance with me across the
clear blue
hold me close
whisper in my ear
about where we are going
remind me of how far we have come
kiss me into the present
and dip me into forever
come my love
lets ride the clouds
until the night falls
and the moon rises
and stardust is sprinkled in our hair.
from SweetMango's blog

And what SweetMango wrote about the blogging explains it completely for me...

Sometimes I write just to write, just to let words slip out of me onto paper or screen. Maybe it is to free up some room inside of me to allow more creations to reside within me, maybe it is because there is point, a need, a lesson to be told in the form of a story....who knows , I dont !!

Stress...

Help! I am choking on it! The stress that is... what a weird thing it is. I think it must be a real sign of being an 'adult'. Ei yi yi. The worst part is, given that it is situational stress it is highly unlikely that anything I do can alleviate it for any lengthy period. Guess I just have to manage and wait until the move is over. Time to visit my friendly neighborhood pharmacist and get that prescription for ativan filled!

Can't help but feel a little uneasy after my job eval. It went well, but was left with a vagueness. We got so busy talking about job related issues that all i got was the "things to work on" feedback, and not much in the "you're doing a good job Ms. KLC". Today when I checked in with the boss I broached the subject, got a sort of reply but not complete enough to allay the vaguely disconcerted feelings. Hmm. Wonder how much is merely my own stress playing into the situation and how much is really there. Hard to know given how my job works.

I am trying so hard to wrap up all loose ends so that when I move I can start fresh in my new office with some fresh new projects. Lovely. Lovely that is of course, if I can catch the damn ends and knot them together!!! I wonder sometimes what it is about me that says to people "ah, don't worry about her. She'll be fine. At least we don't have to worry about her." I felt that way as a kid, as an employee and even in relationships. Like no one lets me in on the feedback until I f*!#k up or work myself into a corner. It must be my confidence that fakes people out. Makes them falsely think I don't need compliments, feedback, support and reassurance. SO NOT TRUE!!! If anything, us over-compensators need it more. But... more on that later. The stress is getting to me.

Saying goodbye to pets

Today I have to say goodbye to my cat.  This cat has been around since University, and was the first pet I owned.  I am really sad to have to say goodbye to her.  But, keeping her going isnt fair either.  She is not as happy, struggles to jump where she wants to be, seems lost sometimes and most annoyingly, is becoming incontinent.  Lord, I hope when I get to the same point in my life that it will be legal to take me out of the picture gracefully and painlessly.  Why is it that we recognize the dignity of death in not allowing a well loved pet to suffer, yet it remains a crime to allow someone to choose to 'check out' when illness has become to much to bear? 

What is Happiness and Wellbeing Anyway?

Just read a phenomenal article from the latest Alternatives magazine by Mark Anielski.  His article focuses on the need for economists to change how they view the relationships of money to people to society.  As Linda McQuaig put it "we need to make the economy serve society rather than the other way around".  Your knee jerk response may be that you, most certainly do not serve the economy..... oh but we do.  We buy and buy 'stuff'.  We work harder and harder, make more money (disposable) than ever and yet, our ratings of happiness have not changed appreciably in the last 50 years along with that huge financial jump.  Why is that?  Hmmm.  Because we serve a system that dictates our everything. 

It reminds me of how David Suzuki explained the 'economy' as becoming an entity unto itself, as though it breathed life.  When in fact, it was a creation of economist following the second world war.  If we created it.... can't we change it?  This is what writer/economist Mark Anielski is advocating for.  Changes that reflect a need for a system which puts emphasis on all parts of society that leads to 'happiness'.  His model, is the "genuine wealth model" which sees happiness of a society as being rooted in balance between (1)human capital (2)natural capital (3)financial capital (4)built capital (5)social capital.  We place undue emphasis on the financial and built (structures- man made things) capital to the detriment of our natural or environmental capital and we fail to see the importance of social capital.

Scientists have discovered that 50% of happiness is based on genetic material and to some extent our childhood and adolescent experiences.  Of the remaining 50%,  10% is what we ourselves determine and the other 40% is driven by the relationships we have with friends, family and our communities.  That is our social capital-- the relationships that are within communities, that connect us, support us and give to us.  Hardly reflected in the big box strip malls and ever erupting new suburban developments.  We need to reconnect within society, build social capital once again.  Balance our obsession with the financial and built capital with equal care for our environmental capital and the needs of our human capital. 

In an article that follows in the journal, "Simple, Fairer, Richer" written by Sally Lerner, it is stated that there is "no excuse for allowing society to slide into a situation where vast numbers of north americans are unemployed or underemployed and thereby trapped in stigmatized underclass where their children face decreasing opportunities".  Are we really building our human capital by continuing an economic system where more people than ever are reliant on food banks?  Are we building human capital when we send kids to school hungry?  Luckily, we have people who care and see the need for developing social infrastructure where it is not.  Creating non-profits, charities and food banks.  Filing gaps left by our 'miraculous' economy.

I think we all need to stop and think.... we are judged in the end by how we treat the most vulnerable.  If we met the most vulnerables needs, everyone elses would be met also.  We are not just in an ecological crisis, we are also at a social crisis. The two are inextricably linked-- as pointed out by Anielski in his article.  Sustainability of happiness within a society is reliant on a BALANCE between the built, financial, human, social, and environmental capitals.  Where is your balance?

If you could, would you?

And someone asked :  What would you change, if you could go back to that moment when you made that choice?  I think I would counter: Do you get to go back with the knowledge of now or only then, when you go back?  I think this is the key.  We all have made less than stellar choices in our lives.  If we could go back where would we change the direction of the path?

Hmmm.  I have thought about this.  There are many things I regret doing, and many I regret not doing.  That being said, I am here where I am because of where I was and what I chose.  Those choices were mine and I made them with the knowledge and skills I posessed at that moment.  They then shaped who I became.  If I went back and changed those experiences, what I might end up with is a person I like even less!

I guess what I am saying is that each decision we make has the potential to be just right or just plain wrong.  They say the best opportunities present themselves in the guise of a disastrous event or challenge.  They also say not to let tragedy teach you what really matters.  And so I say hmmmm again.  My choices have been mine and whether right or wrong I have paid the price or collected the rewards.  The decisions I make today seem so much more monumental with two pairs of young eyes looking to me for guidance.  Whether I have nothing financially, or everything it matters little.  My parents had far less than my children and turned out just fine.  Happiness, love and honesty seem to be the keys.  Being happy enough to show your children how to find their own.  Being brave enough to love, risking getting hurt because being lonely is far worse.  Being honest enough to admit your wrongs and try to right them, to gently guide when you can and be true and honest to you.

Would I go back and change?  No.  I am where I am.  There are places I would have liked to go and experiences I would have liked to have.  But there are many I can do now, and many more ahead of me.  Looking backwards too much keeps you stuck, 'cause you cannot see the opportunities ahead of you!

I hardly think of myself as a daring person.  But I am willing to try and accept failure or mistakes.  Every day places choices in front of me.  Not always am I actively engaging in them. Grey November seems to stall me in my tracks.  But, when the motivation comes I think I can move forward again... waiting and  open to the answers.... the answers for what lies ahead.  Not what is behind and can no longer be changed.

You know you're right...

When you're right.  But it still feels weird.  Today I supply taught for the first time since last school year.  It was a personal call from a teacher I know and an age group I love.  That being said, I am pretty sure now that I made the right choice to move to a different profession.  Teaching is a part of who I am, but so is learning, so is community involvement and endeavouring to change the world around me.  I could do this within teaching, but the fit just did not feel right.  Non-profit development and Volunteer Management does.  It is new, and challenging and so multi-faceted it forces me to use everything I've got some days.  The overwork of the profession just might be what draws me in--- I won't get bored!

It felt good, but scary to know that turning back to teaching would only be a stop gap measure.  Not a long term reality.  Terrifying to be adrift... thrilling to be in adrift in a sea of opportunity with me paddling the boat.  Just floating along being pushed and pulled by the current and whims of the weather is no longer an option.  My boat of life is being captained again.  I feel like I am searching for more, struggling with less.  A chasm that must no longer be ignored is there.  I am building the bridge this year.  Last year was the discovery, this year is building.

Art... no education required!

Art enriches the world around us, and yet modern society seems to value it so little.  No time for appreciation of artistic endeavours, as though it was something reserved for the rich, cultured and educated.  To this I say PAH!  What is art?   "the use of skill and imagination in the creation of aesthetic objects, environments, or experiences that can be shared with others" (Britannica Online) is one explanation.  However, one explanation I found online was simpler and I like it much better.  The explanation was "Art is form, and Art is content".   This means that the form is the aesthetic shape that it has taken, the space in real-time if you will-- and the content is what perhaps the artist intended to convey, the feelings it evokes and how it affects us.  I thought initially that this was a clear way to define art from craft.  But as I typed along and completed the thought I realized, that crafts can have both form and embrace the elements of art, and they can provide a commentary or evoke an emotion.  One only need think of reproductions of classic ornaments.... when we see them we are thrown backwards in time.  The artist/craftsperson has created a sense of nostalgia.  How can that not be art?  So the tricky part then becomes, how do we split the schlock from the art?

I saw an exhibit recently that was what I initially thought was rather terribly and pathetic.  It did not suit the space in which it was shown, the sculpture had form but failed to evoke any content even as I struggled to find it.  The second exhibit was craft-y and kitschy in form-- yet the content was very artistic and pushing the envelope.  What is the balance?  I am thinking that perhaps what defines art for me is something that draws me in due to its form, and strikes some deeper level in the moment of observation.  Most importantly, when I leave I still can revisit that piece of art in my mind and be impacted by it.  Do you need a degree to observe shape, form, colour, space etc etc?  Nope.  And when it comes to content you only need be connected and able to communicate your experience.  I hope after reading you will perhaps think of "art" you have seen and been moved my-- good or bad.  My one wish is to see the craftsperson once again be revered for their skill and admired as an artist in their own medium... the cabinetmakers, the carpenters, the tile guys you lay an intricate mosaic floor.... Lets bring beauty back to our world and ditch the utilitarianism of suburbia, big box stores, slapped up houses, Walmart..... and express our own selves a little more in the every day.  Buck that conformity friends.  

After a While...

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
You learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.
You begin to learn that kisses are not contracts and presents are not promises.
You begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of an adult and not the grief of a child.
You learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine hurts if you get to much.

So, plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you'll learn that you really can endure.
That you really are strong.
You really do have worth.

*** I found this on a scrap of paper as I packed up things for moving.  Interesting how things find us at the right time.  The time for me being a search for a balance between doing everything for others and being selfish.  Trying to find that balance.  To find my worth and believe in it.

Friday the 13th-- Port Dover Style!

Imagine, going through life not knowing that not too far away was a cult event.... a cult event that springs up only on Friday the 13th and involves thousands of people.  I had no idea of this phenomena, until moving not far from Port Dover and being stunned by the roar of Harley motorcyles heading through town.  For five years I said I would go and 'check it out' and didn't.  With the impending move, I figured I had better-- now or never!

What a spectacle.  What a diverse crowd.  A sea of black clothing, my red sweatshirt sticking out like a beacon saying "hey, white-middle-class-chick here to observe the craziness and take pictures"!!!  I have never in my life seen the sheer volume of motorcycles.  It was incredible!  Beautiful machines, shiny, colourful, and many were very artistic.  Some, not so much!

The people were interesting.  Had I been in the mood, I could have just people watched and taken candids of people.  But the gloss and glitter of the 'bikes had me hooked.  OOOoooh, how I would love one.  The people ranged from the expected biker clubs, the Hell's Angels, but in all honesty-- it was a really 'normal' crowd of people who have a motorcycle hobby.  Lets be honest, the average age is 40+ because these bikes and gear are not for the poor!  It was an event, one I had a great time at.  Next time I go I will be less google eyed and more focused (and will bring a step ladder to get better shots!).

Remembrance Day

As I raise two young children I often work to bridge the reality of the adult world with the reality that a child understands.  This week the challenge has been to explain the gravity and why's of Remembrance Day.  One thing that hit me is that our day of honour is not called Veteran's Day.  Meaning, that we could alter the focus of this day slightly to make it more accessible.  As the years pass, children have no connection through Grandparents about the war.  The pictures of WW1 and 2 are not as prominent in publications.  The stories are a little less relevent (or so it seems) in this ever changing and expanding world.  My proposal is to better link the past with the present, and the efforts in the present to secure the future.  Huh you say?

Why not continue to educate about the reasons for our involvement in WW1 and 2.  The violation of rights, the abuse and strategic murder of a population.  That there is a moral requirement to stand up when others are not able to stand up for themselves.  Then take this day to honour those who stood up as young men and women to try and make changes.  Then move to the present.  Focus on the freedoms we have, and the people who help ensure those freedoms.  Look at those who have less than us, and why there continues to be fighting and killing and we are involved.  Why do we still fight?  To protect, to ensure safety of civilians, to build a future for them?  And finally, focus on real things we can do for the future.  Eliminate racism, ethnicity related discrimination.  Encourage tolerance and acceptance.  Encourage all to learn to appreciate what makes us different.

A Day of Significance, with a significant role and goal is what I would like to see.  If we cannot explain the reasons to our children for our involvement in aggressive behaviour, perhaps that is a sign to think twice.

Energy

A lot of the self-help books, alternative spirituality movements and even 'the secret' has tapped into the concept of energy.  Energy being something that cannot be destroyed, but is the basis of life as all living things are in constant state of energy.  From what we do with our bodies, to the unseen energy that our thoughts create.  Maybe the Hindu's had it right... our soul is just energy that is not destroyed but reborn.  Who knows?  Even in Christianity the soul and its release is a key concept, the soul cannot be destroyed-- our own unique personal energy.

"What goes around comes around"... a powerful statement on the energy in choices we make.  It goes hand in hand with "what you put out is what you get back".  For the last decade or so I have tried to be sure that what I put "out there" is positive energy and where possible, a true reflection of myself.  I always try to see the best in others, and for the most part have been rewarded by wonderful people entering my life.  Not always getting what I want, but usually getting things that have lead me alone a path which has been interesting.  When talking with a friend this weekend, I realize that I am becoming more and more centred in those two beliefs and really and truly okay with just being me.  I am so very far from perfect.  I see each and every one of my faults clearly, and I struggle.  Yet, I remind myself we all do this.  When we look in the mirror we see ourselves not as others see us.  We are lucky when people enter our lives that allow us to see that which others see.  It can either terrify, or lift you up.

I am learning like most to just be okay with me, and trying to be okay in the NOW as I really cannot control the SOMEDAY.  Even if that means working in a job that affords me happiness and personal fufillment, but not rising to upper middle class income and having the associated trappings of that.  Happiness is really becoming a driving force.  A force I feel driving inside me each day.  The desire to be centred, happy in that space, creative and open to the experiences around me.  Hmmm.  Thoughts for today.

Friday Catch-up

That is right, CATCH up, not KETCH up.  Sadly.  I have a number of things to do for work.  Sort of need to prioritize, but have this feeling like I would really like to avoid that step because it may just reveal a massive amount of SOMETHING needing doing! 

So my creativity time.... not going so well this week I must admit!  I have taken some time out to read.  Did take some time for photos and to upload them.  I have a couple of ideas for a painting I would really like to do.  Hmmm.  Two people in the last two days requested that I submit a creative work for Auctioning to benefit non-profits.  Why does this terrify me??  I think it must be that I question other's belief in my abilities and artistic talent.  Silly, I know.  I cannot help but hold myself up against others.... and be put in awe of their talent.  That being said, I think I WILL make the jump and have a few shots transferred onto a canvas -- like a painting and submit them.  Why not.  If no one likes them, I need not know!  Maybe one of the shots will move someone.  Isn't that all we strive for when creating something?  To express ourselves and touch another?

Where else am I at these days you ask.... Happy.  Smiling.  Feeling an inner glow-- despite the challenges of life.  My Volunteer Management course inspires me every week.  This week again it lit something inside me.  Once again, the desire to pursue my Masters was lit.  And an area of limited research is Volunteerism, but specifically looking at it in Rural Areas and how Urban Trends will play out at the Rural level.  Oh, how much I want to jump in.   I even looked at the MSc in Rural Studies at Guelph.... perhaps....  should apply... hmmmm.   Why not? 

So, there is my week in a nutshell!  Documented for myself, and anyone else who cares to read.  I will come back with a focused writing once I clear some of the paperwork, jobs and STUFF that seems to always need doing!
~We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations~ from DailyHappyDose on twitter!

Dreams

I have been reading a book "Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life". It is a suprisingly good read. The irony being, that I was at the library looking at something else and the book fell off the shelf to me. Serendipity?

The chapter I read last night spoke about giving space to our dreams. Not interpreting them according to other's methods, but in relation to our own life. The author notes "dreaming is about waking up. The unconscious often knows things we don't, things that in the broad daylight of consciousness remain invisible to us, just as the stars play to an empty house during the day when the sun is shining. They are meaning machines and never lie."

The point of the chapter was to delve beyond the seeming ridiculous in our dreams (last night I was rushing topless through the library at the University in search of somewhere...) and find what the unconscious is struggling with. Am I feeling exposed? Part of me that I am both proud of and yet self-conscious of and not quite acceptable to the social norms is exposed in its entirety?

This chapter really struck me. As someone who had night terrors as a child, nightmares as an adult and very vivid dreams on a regular basis-- I think there is a validity of tuning in. For example, I dream regularly of my wallet being emptied: me being left with the shell, whereas all that has importance is gone. True, I fear losing myself, having the essence of who I am stripped of me. Another regular recurrence is having an essay of major proportions due to which I have no research done and have not attended class. I think this is rooted in being afraid of failure, or being set into a situation where others expect failure. The irony being that in the conscious world I never missed class, never left essays to the last minute. I see how our unconscious takes familiar situations and twists them to express our own inner fears or concerns.

What do you dream??

Creativity...

As I have felt disconnected with my own creativity for the last month, I started thinking on it. What is it? Why am I struggling to get 'at it'? I stumbled across a definition I really like :

"We are born as artists. You, at this moment, have this creative force churning within you. You know it as an urge. Your challenge is always the same: it is to risk being you" (Jerry Fresia)

I really like this as I frequently feel my creative endeavours, whatever they might be, are substandard or really not exhibiting the talent as compared to others. When you look up creativity, you realize it is not about being an 'artist' but about having a diferent mindset and approach to things. In that sense, I **am** creative. Being a 'solution finder' is what I do best. Give me a problem, a challenge, a mountain and i will find you possible solutions, people to assist in endeavor, or a possible route for the trek. It is this creative challenge I revel in and lust for. When I am around people who dream big, think bigger and see the whole picture, not just a frame... I feel alive.

Perhaps I need to find more of these kindred spirits. Since my committment to positivity I have ixnayed the negative forces (people included) out of my life where I can. Anyone know how to create a magnetic force for creative types? I guess that is why I love learning and school. Being energized by those around you who share a passion or committment. Diverse people, styles and knowledge.... all there for you to learn from.

I am thinking it is life that has a tendency to suck the creativity out with the demands of the day-to-day. Ms. KLC needs to carve a better space for that creativity to come out. Always it seems that other things trump it.... SOOOOO

1. Guess I am going to have to PLAN for the creativity space like I do working out
2. Commit to a project
3. Stop feeling less than successful by comparing my attempts to others

I hereby announce my intentions.....

Do the Ends Justify the Means?

This is the question that struck me as being the overwhelming question hidden within the Shakespearean play "Julius Caesar" which I saw on Sunday. Noble intent may exist, but even purest intent can wreck havoc. Brutus was a man of ideals, of pure heart and unsoiled reputation. Yet, he was convinced to stand forward and make a political move that was swift and harsh. Those who pressed him forward were less than pure of heart and mind. Brutus loved Caesar, but loved the higher ideal more. A noble intent, yet the result of his noblest of intents was civil war within a country, the death of fellow senators (i.e. Cicero) and the suicide of his brother Cassius. Truly, did the ends justify the means? Can we only decide this in retrospect when we have the space and time necessary to be objective?

Does using dirty campaign money become okay if in the end you as a politician, put forward policies which bring the common good to the forefront?

Would cutting off a thief's hands be justified by their inability to steal any further?

Or more difficult, are the telling of white lies or lies of omission justified by the avoidance of pain/upset given to others?

As you begin to see, there is not an absolute. Initially my response was that the ends cannot justify the means, and yet I omit things that are hurtful from conversation all the time. Ethics are far from simple, the same for politics. Thanks to Shakespeare for creatively making us think on them.

Can't always get what you want

.... that is today's thought and song that popped to mind. Funny. It is appropriate. There are a few things I want really really badly right now. None of which are material. Am I weird because I don't really lust for the material but long for things intangible?

Keep reminding myself there is a bigger plan, even if I cannot see it right now. Live the now, feel the feelings, celebrate the now, trust that the path will be more evident as I travel along it... I hope.

Ch-Ch-changes.... time to face the strange...

Pretty soon you're gonna get older
Time may change me
But you can't trace time....

How does time change us? What is time? Is it linear with yesterday today and tomorrow or is it something far less classifiable? Something that is infinite and yet finite in the moment? Are we the sum of the moments or the value of individual moments?

Isnt it interesting that we are such slaves to time. Our own invention. We set ourselves up for "when I do this, then I can do that..." or "when I am suchandsuch an age I will..." Hmm. Perhaps it is this relentless pursuit of things in order to build toward something else that strips the actual meaning from life. This is hardly my idea... I was listening to philosopher Mark Rowlands last night. He made a good point... we go to school and work hard so we can get into University. We get into University and work hard for a good job. The good job is had to get the house. The house is had to get the.... and so on. STOP!!! Why must everything lead to another? We force everything. Are so afraid to go with our guts and listen to the soul.

And I can say this. I am listening to my soul, finally feeling things I have hidden. Giving way to time and letting things bubble forth. Ruminating on it. Rolling with the moment more. Feeling the energy in what I do and what I choose. Finally seeing some of the path that my life has taken and seeing the interweaving of experiences to bring me to the now. The good, the bad. The mistakes, the success. All is relative, and relative in time. Time mellows us, softens the memories. Gilds the good, adds a haze to the bad. What is time but a natural force we cannot stop, cannot harness, cannot see nor taste-- yet it is present -- indisputable in its presence.

We change. We flow. People talk of time being a river. Perhaps it is a water cycle instead. Changes forms, melding into different places, affecting situations differently, yet always returning as water at some point. We change, we affect and effect, yet we always return to being who we are-- whether you are brave enough to look inside or not.

Amazing...

After thinking on the nature of friendships, people who affect us, and not being the same afterwards.... I saw David Suzuki on Saturday.

WOW wow wow wow. What an incredibly dynamic speaker. You feel like he is speaking directly to you, with you, engaging you. His message was dark and dire. MOVE OUR ASSES AND MAKE SOME CHANGE!!! I agree. What I found most interesting was how he spoke about our skewed perception of "Economy" and how it has become something feared, worshipped and placated not unlike the demons/dragons/ghosts of old. He reminded us that the 'economy' is a post-war planned economy- we created it! We placed the values on items. We created the obsession with growth, and never counted the environmental costs -- they were externalities. But how can you discount the costs associated with natural resource use, or dealing with the given product at the end of its life cycle?? How can an apple from New Zealand cost less than a $1 when it is picked, graded, flown for almost a day, then handled yet again at a depot and sent out to stores. That is simply impossible. Is the true cost calculated? What about the impact of shipping? Who pays for the fuel's impact? Truly that apple should cost closer to $50.

His message was clear... we need to act now. We are teetering on a precipice. Never in history has change occurred this quickly-- it is not normal. His analogy was that we have partied without care for costs or clean up for decades, guess what? Pay up and clean up time. Parties cannot be afforded to go on and on....

I took away that I need to make some plans to:
1. Make personal changes and decisions
2. Make committment to activism within my own immediate circle
3. Make strides towards impacting change within my direct community
4. Get involved politically to force what needs to be the most important topic in the front.

Some people come into our lives, leave footprints in our heart, and we are never the same....

I believe in this. There are people I have known a long time who have not touched me in the way perhaps as someone, who I only knew a short. These footprints on our hearts, on our soul, stay there.

Missing people I think is related to this. The more significantly they touch you, the higher they climb over your walls or perhaps penetrate the fortress.... the more you miss them. I think we all want to be truly known. To be understood, and still loved or appreciated despite our weaknesses. I know I do. I struggle with letting people in. I can count on one hand (I think) those that truly 'get' me and have scaled the walls and admitted entry. And still not run away terrified!

Lately I have been missing someone who got past this wall. Who saw me. For which I am glad to have had the time I did, but struggle because once they are gone there is nothing but the footprints left. And memories fade over weeks, months, years..... We begin to bronze those memories, losing their truthful essence and link to reality. I hate that. Yet, I guess I will take what I have and live with what remains. I am so glad my memories are so visually intense and that sometimes, in that space before you fall asleep or wake, you can recall those images in vivid colour. For a brief moment.

My heart aches, my soul longs. To be known that way, to be able to pick up the phone, to touch them or write a letter. The things we don't save, but part of us wishes we had.

**Addendum: I ran into a kindred spirit from 12+ yrs ago today. Amazing. We have reconnected when we had lost touch for so many years....

Thankful For...

...the strength of my body that allows me to run, jump and be silly with my kids
...being able to go outside and see stars filling a dark sky
...having loved and lost, and have learned from it
...becoming increasingly self aware, even though it's not easy sometimes
...the family I have (good bad and ugly!)
...the ability to change and learn
...having a job that challenges me, fufills me and has opened new possibilities to me
...music and art for the way it enriches my senses
...the natural world and how it connects and grounds me in its power

Guilt and Forgiveness

So-- guilt is a huge part of who I am. I hang on to things I have done wrong far longer than is probably necessary. Incidentally, in researching this, it appears there is a psychological term used "overguilt". So if "guilt is an affective state in which one experiences conflict at having done something that one believes one should not have done and it gives rise to a feeling which does not go away easily, driven by 'conscience'." Then it is to be assumed that overguilt is an extension of this to an unhealthy point. Incidentally, when it comes to misdoings with people and feelings come into play-- I fall into the overguilt category. I think I have a physical need for others to extend forgiveness or perhaps, acceptance of my screw up.

Another scholar says that this type of guilt is self-inflicted and usually based on an individuals higher expectations of themselves, than they hold others up to. People like me seem to lack the ability to allow for personal mistakes. I would have to agree. Screw ups keep me up at night when they are involving people. I could do something completely wrong elsewhere, and it would not bother me. When it involves people I am a mess. Which, totally reflects my personality assessment I got back yesterday!

So here is the recipe for assuaging guilt (apparently) and what needs to happen:

Regret- A recognition of the wrong doing and appreciation for impact
Repentance-Making an apology
Restitution or Redress-ahhhh, the tricky one when it only involves people, not the physical
Rehabilitation- An honest, sincere, and ongoing attempt to not repeat the mistake.

I can do all, wish there was a simple solution for the restitution part when people's emotions or feelings are involved. Perhaps the 'time heals all wounds' comes into play? I hate saying I am wrong and admitting my failings, yet, I force myself to do it in every situation. The emotional beating I give myself when I f**k up is extensive and thorough. I wish I could be as forgiving of myself as I am of others. Probably would be better for my mental health. I am struggling. I truly do learn from my mistakes and can do the 'intellectualizing' of the situation. It doesn't really help that glob of guilt which sits in my chest under my waterlily. Guess the guilt thing is one area I will continue to have to work on.

Benefits of Driving

.... benefits beyond a stiff back and flabby rear!! The benefits being catching amazing programs on the CBC. On Monday I caught an incredible interview with Margaret Visser, an author who wrote a book all about how we express "thanks". Her book is called The Gift of Thanks: The roots, persistence, and paradoxical meanings of a social ritual. It is almost impossible for me to explain the complexity of her musings, but also the simplicity of her points in a manner that does the well spoken woman justice! Here is something someone else on her website has written "This fascinating inquiry into all aspects of gratefulness ranges from the unusual determination with which parents teach their children to thank, to the difference between speaking the words and feeling them, to the way different cultures handle the amazingly complex and important matter of giving, receiving, and returning favours and presents"

What struck me so significantly was that (a) thankfulness can not be forced -- it is or it is not genuine (b) reasons for thanking someone vary in cultures (c) being thankful is a socially charged word for some as to be the giver in western society has more status than the reciever.... (d) Apologies and thanks are also related as they cannot be forced, nor can they be forced to be accepted. But when truly extended they are an opening of one's heart.

I think she is someone I may just have to read. Forget Malcolm Gladwell for social commentary....

Promises

Sometimes we make promises we want to keep, sometimes we make promises that we cannot keep. Funny isnt it? We are not always sure which is which. I think the easy ones are the ones we can keep, it is the toughies that keep us struggling. We make those promises based on emotions (or I do anyway) and those are the ones I want to keep, but struggle to do so as the moment passes. Does breaking a promise invalidate all else? Depends on the person I guess.

For me, promises are an odd component of our behaviour. Sometimes we do things just because we can, or do things without thinking. When caught breaking that promise, we initially feel guilt-- then perhaps as time passes we recognize that the initial promise was one we set ourselves up with. The self-sabotage. Promising something we know we probably can't keep, asking from others what we struggle to do ourselves. Funny thing these promises. Often we make promises to friends because we want something to be so, unfortunately life just doesnt always pan out that way.

Lessons come up everywhere. The crappy part is when you learn something, but someone else gets hurt. Life is not easy, and doesnt always sit well in your chest. The irony in all this, is that I just recently got a personality 'profile' done as a new employee, and guess what.... "she is prone to jump to conclusions and tends to make choices around her own personal feelings....... may ignore logical analysis in her initial decision making". BINGO. Guess I better watch the promises I make.

Relief

A good friend of mine told me that life is a little like juggling when you are a Mum. You have three balls, personal life-kids-professional life, but only the ability to keep two in the air at a time. I grudgingly may have to admit she is right....

I feel relief because my house deal is now done, house sold and firm and the house we are moving into is also now solid. One less 'ball' to keep in the air. I think perhaps the kids are who have been missing out with me so preoccupied with the house details and the fall season pressures of my job. Time to step back, breathe. Or so I hope. Never seems to work out that way.

Had a staff retreat where we reviewed business plans and new organizational focus. Never underestimate the stress one can feel when everything around the position you were just beginning to understand changes.... but like most things, a little time and perspective comes. I am in the Vol. Mgmt. program which is great and will open doors. Professionally I am beginning to see the circular pattern of where I have come from. It is reassuring. Though the plan was never evident at the time, now I can see the flow. Whatever happens when this contract ends, I feel rather confident in my options since the 'flow' has revealed itself. That connect is coming slowly into my life in areas it has been lacking. Professional and personal rebuilding, I feel fabulous at 35. Like this is MY year. Look out, this Lion is ready to roar.....

Purely in the Moment....

Before I forget, I want to write down so I can recall later -- that purely in the moment feeling. I had it today, as I left Elora after taking photos. I had stopped one last time to capture a window pic (which incidentally turned out as I had hoped!) and then got back in the car. I was greeted by the richness of the Stereophonics courtesy of my ipod, and the breeze blew in the window as I drove.... joy of the moment. A big smile, a warm feeling inside. Singing along, okay with it all. Hyper tuned into myself, the moment, my surroundings.... it felt so damn good. Imagine if that sensation could be channelled more regularly. That is my goal. I am realistic, every moment of everyday is not that 15 minutes. But 15 minutes is good. I could take 15 minutes everyday! Today I met someone who expressed the very same sensation I have had where sheer physicality can take you to that same joy of the moment totally amazing tuned in place. It was great to connect and hear someone else express the sensation so clearly, so honestly and to really 'get' that feeling. Considering how the day could have gone, today was rather unexpectedly superb. One to be repeated!

Sometimes it is hard to communicate clearly with family. I struggle with my Dad. He is someone I admire, respect, love and look up to. I do not wear rose coloured glasses however. I see him for who he is, good and bad. The latest issue for me is that in requesting his help, and having his advice come back totally opposite to what (a) the professional said and (b) what I wanted to hear. My gut is to trust him. He has far more experience than I. However, the professional we hired has more experience than him! I am struggling within myself. I guess once again, all I wanted was approval of my decision on the house I am purchasing. His advice is unneeded, but not unwanted. Funny how we daughters still revert to little girls inside sometimes. As time away from the initial conversation has occurred, I am able to add some perspective. Perhaps he is not picturing ME in the house. And I also wonder if perhaps he really has lost sight of who I really am. What matters to me, what I value, what I don't. I have consciously decided not to follow the family 'status' or purchase cars, homes or things for those reasons. Sometimes I struggle, I want those things.... I had those things... but I don't NEED those things. If I can focus on simple things, the rest of the stuff will not block the way to my dreams and happiness.

All people think of songs as 'theirs' or feel like the song speaks to them. This song, and the timbre of his voice makes me melt. The simple depth of raw emotion for his wife is so evident.

Come Rain or Come Shine by David Francey

Long road, dark night, nothing but headlights
But I'll see some bright lights, when I get home to you
Framed in your doorway with your arms open wide
I'll hold you in my arms, enfold you inside

And I want to tell you
Come rain or come shine
That I'll always be your love
If you'll always be mine

Sometimes I wonder what you see in me
Is it someone you're wishing or hoping I'll be?
Sometimes I wonder, I can't help myself
Will your love go someplace, with somebody else?

And I want to tell you
Come rain or come shine
That I'll always be your love
If you'll always be mine

Sometimes you wonder what I see in you
Just picture the sun on an ocean of blue
Just picture that ocean so deep and so wide
Feel the sun on the water, feel the pull of the tide

And I want to tell you
Come rain or come shine
That I'll always be your love
If you'll always be mine

Finding it

How do you find something when you are not sure where or when you lost it? Have you ever misplaced something and had someone say "well, where did you last use it?" and you want to throttle them???!! I have noticed that I lost something pretty significant lately. And I am not sure when I lost it, where I lost it, and in having those around me (and experts say) 'go back to where you last remember having it' I cannot help but wonder... did I ever have it in the first place?

What happens when you are tired of looking. But I am just so tired of the effort required for the search... That being said, I am still searching really hard to find it. I am not a quitter. The up side to all of this is that in doing so, I am finding all kinds of other things along the way. I have discovered lost parts within myself. I have discovered a new acceptance of parts of me I have otherwise struggled with. I discovered some deep connections with my siblings. I have also discovered some old patterns I don't want to repeat.

I guess come October around the week before the anniversary of my Mum's death I cannot help but look for things that are lost. At least with her death, thanks to her forethought and strength, it is only her physical presence I lost. She left all of us with a beautiful experience of what death can be. She forged deep relationships between all of us kids, and I still have pieces of her with me. Not tears. Not regrets or woulda-coulda-shoulda's. Our end can come at any time. If I was to go to cancer in 15 years like Mum, I would not want to waste time searching for lost things. But trying to build new and get over what is gone. May the good that was in her, the love that I know she had for me, may the angels she so believed in all guide me where I need to go.

All my life I have struggled. But the struggles are not without rewards. I do not expect fewer struggles, just perhaps some help seeing the right path when it appears. More intuition and understanding for that path.

" I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my Mother you'll be". Bob Munsch

A continuation on a theme...

So it appears as I read on today and really thought deeply (courtesy of the book who prompted the last post) that happiness may 'run in a circular motion' but my life runs in a triangular motion.

HUH? you say... well apparently, situations where stress is present often result in us having relationships that are a triangle. I thought this a novel idea, and got out my journal and started at my childhood. I quickly thought of triangle after triangle of unresolved conflicts where I am a player, some that resolved, but many that remain unresolved. Dang. This was supposed to be a LITTLE bit easier, this self discovery. Hah hah hah. So now I am supposed to learn my role in these triangles. Do I act as the overfunctioning one, the underfunctioner, what do I gain? Or what have I lost? How can I change the dynamics of these situations? After all, we cannot change others. Just change ourselves and hope others follow on their own paths with us.

When I look dispassionately at my childhood through early adulthood I see patterns. I see foundational cracks. But I also see cleverly built supports. But now I want to be truly *me*. To take ownership for what was and guide my life towards what can be and I deserve to build for myself.

Along this path of change I am reminded : "What we do naturally takes us in the wrong direction. As we have seen, our normal and reflexive ways of managing anxiety/change inevitably lead us to participate in patterns, polarities and triangles that keep us painfully stuck. Every courageous act of change requires a move toward greater selfhood. One where we are forced to give up our non-productive efforts and move forward." Harriet Lerner, PhD.

Overfunctioners

Uh oh. Looks like the most recent book that I have selected to consult has me 'pegged'. Self-help books are interesting as they provide perspective, but rarely solutions. This one is really good. I was rather shocked when I read along, while sipping my morning coffee and came to the chapter on "Understanding Overfunctioning". They say is happens most often in children who are first born (bingo), and tend to be particularly intense if one parent was unable to do his/her job and we stepped in as the overresponsible child... (bingo on two accounts). She says that because overfunctioners 'look good' and 'hold it together' they are often overlooked. Holy crap. But there is more.... and I find it disturbing in its accuracy...

• move in quickly to advise, fix, rescur and take over when stress hits
• avoid worrying about their own personal goals and problems by focusing on others
• have difficulty sharing their own vulnerable, underfunctioning side.
• may be labeled as people who are "always reliable and always together"

Oh my. So now that I have been appropriately labelled I guess I move on and pray that the book gives me some idea of counteractive measures??

One thing she said that I really liked and perhaps is linking to me being an overfunctioner 'often the things others/selves consider our faults are inextricably linked to the positive things others value and admire". We may be overly bossy and controlling, but others also appreciate our take charge abilities and leadership skills. Two sides of one coin.

I will keep you posted on my read, as I read on....

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

What a movie! Heard someone on CBC talking about the book and the film. Was curious. Rented it and was very moved by the visual images which take you into the body of an individual 'locked into' their own body. Unable to move. Unable to talk. Yet mentally, fully functional. It made me ponder....

What if you had nothing but your thoughts to entertain you? Nothing but time to review that which has passed? Then burdened with the limited ability to communicate with those around you.

Would you live differently today knowing that the decisions you make will remain unchangeable, unapologized for, and your last touches?

Of course, the line of this reasoning becomes circular and brings me back to my thoughts on being sure that I am being true to myself and my goals of walking lightly on the earth, loving fully while I am hear, taking ownership for my happiness, committing myself fully to every day. If I do this and do it well, I could be locked into myself tomorrow and I would not struggle with regrets. Unfortunately, I have a good couple of decades of mistakes that I can definately relive and mull over-- but I also recognize their role in getting me to today.
virtus tentamine gaudet

Damn birds...

Anyone who knows me, would quickly discover I love animals of pretty much any kind. Excluding reptiles however, especially the snakes. UGH. I digress. What you might not know is I am mesmerized by birds. Fascinating. I have a pet bird, a parrot-- a South American parrot known as a Conure. I got her when she was a baby and she is an absolute sweetheart. The amazing thing is how incredibly intelligent and responsive a small parrot can be. Her breed is not known for talking, however she has learned how to say her name, a few small things, and loves to echo your (or the kids) laughter. She is a snuggle muffin and wants nothing more than to snuggle. On your shoulder she snuggles in against your neck, nibbles your ear, grooms your hair. And attitude... she has plenty! When I got an email with this youtube video, I cracked up. And cringed, look at that bird's feet!!
http://twurl.nl/844zhh

The seasons are changing... so quickly it becomes fall. I had to laugh this morning as I stood at the bus stop with the kids and the rain suddenly began to fall! Then the wind picked up and it felt like a storm was brewing. The laughter came when looking at my trusty hound-- Cricket the Dachshund-- who does not like water! His hair (he is long haired) was getting all kinky, and he had the most forlorn look on his face. As the wind whipped along behind us (and the back of me got quite wet) he plodded along without his usual vim and vigour. What a 180 from the way Hailey (our old Golden) was! Can't wait to see what he does with snow! If it gets too deep his legs won't work as his belly will sit on the snow!!!!

Now, he is not a totally ridiculous dog as he is a standard, not a mini. And boy can he dig and chew like a big dog. And when he wrestles, he chooses big dogs to play with! The best part of Cricket is that as I work in my office, he lays on the couch beside my desk waiting for me to finish. He is happy to be the weiner when I snuggle my daughter and he is between the two of us. Like a baby he is! How can you not love a dog who makes you chuckle just by virtue of his silly good looks!!??

Comfort of the Dark

I am always amazed at how many people are scared by the dark. Perhaps my lack of fear goes back to all the time I spent back country camping up north and canoe tripping as a kid at camp. Tonight I took the dog out quickly down the street to the park. Lucky for me our street backs onto farmer's fields, we are on the edge of town so I get a bit of dark. In the dark it is almost like you can connect with the elements in a more basic level. Cold droplets of rain striking your face as the wind whips through your hair. The cold of your hands while the rest of you is wrapped in a jacket (man, I actually thought of mitts as I walked the dog) and how good it feels to run and chase your dog in the park like a total nut... Don't mind the rain. Don't mind the snow. Don't mind much as long as I can dress for it! And I always like the feelings of the weather that much better at night. Resting in a tent, walking down the street, sitting on the deck enjoying the dark wrapping around you.