I must confess, I love my title. Sounds like the beginning of a thesis does it not? After all the introspection I have been doing in the last 9 months or so, but especially in the last month I think I could write a thesis on myself. One interesting thing I have discovered is that we can understand the impacts of various events in our lives in academic terms, acknowledge their importance and resulting patterns, but it hardly means we are any better at changing the course of how our life unfolds!
At someone's urging, I am revisiting a book which looks at the long term impacts children who have lost their Mother. A large component of the book is based on a survey done on 573 participants who lost their Mother. What is so significant is that there are certain commonalities that exist within this group. They are 3X more likely to be highly successful and creative, but are also 3X more likely than the general population to end up in conflict with the legal system. Another study indicates that those who have lost their mother have higher anxiety in their relationships, and an underlying fear of abandonment. The studies speak to the driving forces behind those individuals who have lost their mother, and that there is a long term impact whether recognized or not. That the experience of losing a mother often pushes an individual into hyperfunctionality. That often one will become highly independent and self-reliant within most aspects of their life, but especially in their emotional relationships.
The hyperfunctional person does not avoid relationships, but actively engages in a 'helper' or 'fixer' mode, managing to deal with everyone else while avoiding the real depths of their own self. When I read this I was struck by it. It was not something I had caught when I read this book some 10 years ago, but at this point in my life it was like an explanation of my actions over the last decade. The irony of the hyperfunctional, is that they do not allow themselves to emotionally 'lean' on anyone, having lost the most significant relationship where 'leaning' took place.
As I think on the material, the studies, the behaviours... I completely see the truth of the studies in my own life. My own choices and behaviours. Academically, I understand all the 'stuff'. The reality however, is that I am unsure as to how to apply this knowledge. There are no answers that come with the studies that give you the key to unlocking the child trapped inside the hyperfunctional person. No tried and true method to becoming 'okay' with the series of losses in your life.
My thought is, that if I could talk about it with someone who has gone through it, work through the trauma and choices we all have experienced or made, that maybe then I would fully own the reality rather than function around it. As though by speaking the name, I had incapacitated the monster.... I look at my brother who has found his happiness and love in someone who also shares the experience of losing a mother, it is like he has spent years waiting for her to come around and now that she has-- he is lit up like a Christmas tree. Beautiful to watch.