Ahhhh, I have opened a whole can of worms haven't I?
I myself often wondered this when I taught. As I became disillusioned of teaching within our elementary school system I questioned our heavy reliance on regurgitation. We test on things, not how well an individual can integrate and apply this knowledge. I often was stopped dead in my tracks by an out-of-the-box thinker. One boy in Grade 2 was one such child. He in all liklihood had ADHD and some processing difficulties and as a result of our rigid system, his marks certainly did not reflect his abilities. He was so bright! He prompted me to research the different way snakes give birth. Some lay eggs, others hold their eggs internally and the young then bursts forth from those internally held eggs. Making the whole issue of live birth a point of contention for this child as we discussed mammals. What a kid!
As our society changes and modifies itself, the social architects cry about the need for creative thinkers in the new millenium. Interesting, as our system seems not to breed that many creative thinkers and we invest paltry amounts into education (less than the US ironically). Yet, we allow more creativity than systems you might see in China, Japan or India. We sit stoically in the middle, on the fence. Neither excelling in the hard facts of medicine, technology, hard science.... and not producing vast quantities of creative souls either.
What is the answer? Damned if I know. I guess it comes down to us parents taking the time to engage and encourage our own young. Challenging them. I also toy with the idea of providing wider streams within education. Becoming aware that it is OKAY that not everyone is bound for University. That not everyone being a "level 3" is okay too! From an earlier age I think we need to create environments for success where kids can be both "doers" and "learners". Like the old systems in the Eastern Block countries where kids streamed early into technical opportunities. Yet this is imperfect as it relies on someone making decisions about what route that kid should take.
I guess my frustration arises as I meet so many people who are brilliant in their own area. Who are articulate and yet question their own intelligence due to their experience in the indoctrination of education. We are getting there, I see it as the system has created an alternative education opportunity for my best friend's son. Yet, the system kept on forcing the same old until the kid reached crisis levels.
The more I read, the more I realize I have yet to read. The more I learn, the more I realize I do not know. And instead of terrifying me... it is exhilirating! Lucky me, I made it through the system. It was not easy, and I was lucky enough to have parents both intelligent and questioning in nature. Now as a parent myself, I look at the systems within society-- education being the one we place inordinate pressures on-- and wonder if it is up to the challenge.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Loss of a Mother : Long term impact, an evaluation
I must confess, I love my title. Sounds like the beginning of a thesis does it not? After all the introspection I have been doing in the last 9 months or so, but especially in the last month I think I could write a thesis on myself. One interesting thing I have discovered is that we can understand the impacts of various events in our lives in academic terms, acknowledge their importance and resulting patterns, but it hardly means we are any better at changing the course of how our life unfolds!
At someone's urging, I am revisiting a book which looks at the long term impacts children who have lost their Mother. A large component of the book is based on a survey done on 573 participants who lost their Mother. What is so significant is that there are certain commonalities that exist within this group. They are 3X more likely to be highly successful and creative, but are also 3X more likely than the general population to end up in conflict with the legal system. Another study indicates that those who have lost their mother have higher anxiety in their relationships, and an underlying fear of abandonment. The studies speak to the driving forces behind those individuals who have lost their mother, and that there is a long term impact whether recognized or not. That the experience of losing a mother often pushes an individual into hyperfunctionality. That often one will become highly independent and self-reliant within most aspects of their life, but especially in their emotional relationships.
The hyperfunctional person does not avoid relationships, but actively engages in a 'helper' or 'fixer' mode, managing to deal with everyone else while avoiding the real depths of their own self. When I read this I was struck by it. It was not something I had caught when I read this book some 10 years ago, but at this point in my life it was like an explanation of my actions over the last decade. The irony of the hyperfunctional, is that they do not allow themselves to emotionally 'lean' on anyone, having lost the most significant relationship where 'leaning' took place.
As I think on the material, the studies, the behaviours... I completely see the truth of the studies in my own life. My own choices and behaviours. Academically, I understand all the 'stuff'. The reality however, is that I am unsure as to how to apply this knowledge. There are no answers that come with the studies that give you the key to unlocking the child trapped inside the hyperfunctional person. No tried and true method to becoming 'okay' with the series of losses in your life.
My thought is, that if I could talk about it with someone who has gone through it, work through the trauma and choices we all have experienced or made, that maybe then I would fully own the reality rather than function around it. As though by speaking the name, I had incapacitated the monster.... I look at my brother who has found his happiness and love in someone who also shares the experience of losing a mother, it is like he has spent years waiting for her to come around and now that she has-- he is lit up like a Christmas tree. Beautiful to watch.
At someone's urging, I am revisiting a book which looks at the long term impacts children who have lost their Mother. A large component of the book is based on a survey done on 573 participants who lost their Mother. What is so significant is that there are certain commonalities that exist within this group. They are 3X more likely to be highly successful and creative, but are also 3X more likely than the general population to end up in conflict with the legal system. Another study indicates that those who have lost their mother have higher anxiety in their relationships, and an underlying fear of abandonment. The studies speak to the driving forces behind those individuals who have lost their mother, and that there is a long term impact whether recognized or not. That the experience of losing a mother often pushes an individual into hyperfunctionality. That often one will become highly independent and self-reliant within most aspects of their life, but especially in their emotional relationships.
The hyperfunctional person does not avoid relationships, but actively engages in a 'helper' or 'fixer' mode, managing to deal with everyone else while avoiding the real depths of their own self. When I read this I was struck by it. It was not something I had caught when I read this book some 10 years ago, but at this point in my life it was like an explanation of my actions over the last decade. The irony of the hyperfunctional, is that they do not allow themselves to emotionally 'lean' on anyone, having lost the most significant relationship where 'leaning' took place.
As I think on the material, the studies, the behaviours... I completely see the truth of the studies in my own life. My own choices and behaviours. Academically, I understand all the 'stuff'. The reality however, is that I am unsure as to how to apply this knowledge. There are no answers that come with the studies that give you the key to unlocking the child trapped inside the hyperfunctional person. No tried and true method to becoming 'okay' with the series of losses in your life.
My thought is, that if I could talk about it with someone who has gone through it, work through the trauma and choices we all have experienced or made, that maybe then I would fully own the reality rather than function around it. As though by speaking the name, I had incapacitated the monster.... I look at my brother who has found his happiness and love in someone who also shares the experience of losing a mother, it is like he has spent years waiting for her to come around and now that she has-- he is lit up like a Christmas tree. Beautiful to watch.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
The Love of Christmas
Let me count the ways I love you....
Christmas that is! The smell of the tree, going through the decorations and the attached memories, the day by day enjoyment of my old Advent Calendar by my own kids, christmas lights glowing through snow on bushes, reading holiday stories, finding that *perfect* gift for someone, getting pictures of my friends kids in the mail with holiday cards, being able to say happy holidays and make people smile, the smell of gingerbread cookies baking, the smell of apple cider simmering with spices.....
Add in the excitement of my own children as they count down the days.... or my little guy telling me that "the real part of Christmas is being with family and friends and laughing and having fun", and lets not forget all the food.... the Christmas cake, gingerbread cookies, shortbread, tourtiere, turkey and stuffing, chocolates, and enjoying a coffee and Bailey's while you sit back and survey the mess following gift unwrapping....
Christmas for me truly is about the memories, the time with family, love. I like the feeling of it. I love the tradition and my part in keeping it going.
Christmas, I love you!
Christmas that is! The smell of the tree, going through the decorations and the attached memories, the day by day enjoyment of my old Advent Calendar by my own kids, christmas lights glowing through snow on bushes, reading holiday stories, finding that *perfect* gift for someone, getting pictures of my friends kids in the mail with holiday cards, being able to say happy holidays and make people smile, the smell of gingerbread cookies baking, the smell of apple cider simmering with spices.....
Add in the excitement of my own children as they count down the days.... or my little guy telling me that "the real part of Christmas is being with family and friends and laughing and having fun", and lets not forget all the food.... the Christmas cake, gingerbread cookies, shortbread, tourtiere, turkey and stuffing, chocolates, and enjoying a coffee and Bailey's while you sit back and survey the mess following gift unwrapping....
Christmas for me truly is about the memories, the time with family, love. I like the feeling of it. I love the tradition and my part in keeping it going.
Christmas, I love you!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Let the laughter begin!
So with a new house come new methods of cleaning. This house has wonderful old hardwood floors. After cleaning them with Murphy's Oil Soap I noticed that the cleaning did not really help the worn spots. So, I pondered over what to do. I noticed the can of paste wax I had for using with some of my antique furniture.... hmmmm thought I.... After consulting someone else, then reading the can I thought hey! I can revive those worn spots in no time!
Have I mentioned that I LOVE cleaning? And that once I get going I am like a tornado force? Too funny. So I got out the cheesecloth and buffing cloth and began in a small spot. Worked well. Moved to the next spot.... and so on. Then got to the dining room. Well. Lots of worn spots. The tornado force kicked in. I went a little nuts. Before I knew it, I had a sweat going and the dining room and den were done. Lovely.
So here is the laughter component. There is a reason people don't wax floors anymore (besides the effort being excessive) and that is because holy SH*T does paste wax ever make the floor slippery!
I warned everyone, but who went slipping across the floor and right on to her keister? Yup. Me. And I laughed. Damn overcleaner that I am. There will be no more waxing.... guess I will refinish after all!
Do I dare to start using a heat gun to strip the 10 inch baseboards.... or does anyone else see potential issues with me going a little gung ho?? Holiday time is here.... let the wild work begin!
Have I mentioned that I LOVE cleaning? And that once I get going I am like a tornado force? Too funny. So I got out the cheesecloth and buffing cloth and began in a small spot. Worked well. Moved to the next spot.... and so on. Then got to the dining room. Well. Lots of worn spots. The tornado force kicked in. I went a little nuts. Before I knew it, I had a sweat going and the dining room and den were done. Lovely.
So here is the laughter component. There is a reason people don't wax floors anymore (besides the effort being excessive) and that is because holy SH*T does paste wax ever make the floor slippery!
I warned everyone, but who went slipping across the floor and right on to her keister? Yup. Me. And I laughed. Damn overcleaner that I am. There will be no more waxing.... guess I will refinish after all!
Do I dare to start using a heat gun to strip the 10 inch baseboards.... or does anyone else see potential issues with me going a little gung ho?? Holiday time is here.... let the wild work begin!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sychronicity at work again....
I am smiling as I write this. Amazed at how a passion of mine (photography) would connect me to my Mum at a time when I have been missing her presence. I had been looking for photography classes in my area, when I stumbled across a name which was familiar, and when I followed the link I arrived at a website for someone who teaches all the things I am struggling to express myself. This person coaches creativity, teaches journalling and art classes, and photography. She is also someone who was friends with my Mum, taught with my Mum, and was there at the house (though I had forgotten) the night my Mum died. How incredible. The world is large, yet it is small too. I cannot help but believe that there is a reason for this seemingly random occurrence that is so deeply personal. At a time when I am struggling with the deeply personal.
Will you light my way on a twisting road?
Make promises and keep me safe?
Life crunching like gravel underfoot
Uncertain ground where stumbling and stopping
Starting and failing
Trying and striving seems par for this course
Where is the light?
Didn't you promise?
Frustration in the fight
Grey weariness hangs like a heavy cloak
Yet
Sometimes
People emerge like Aphrodite from the ocean
Exquisitely timely
When opening our eyes and hearts to the possibility
Will you light my way on a twisting road?
Make promises and keep me safe?
Life crunching like gravel underfoot
Uncertain ground where stumbling and stopping
Starting and failing
Trying and striving seems par for this course
Where is the light?
Didn't you promise?
Frustration in the fight
Grey weariness hangs like a heavy cloak
Yet
Sometimes
People emerge like Aphrodite from the ocean
Exquisitely timely
When opening our eyes and hearts to the possibility
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Manifesto for forging onward....
“Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens" Kahlil Gibran
"Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action"
Benjamin Disraeli
Both ring true. Both applicable to me, and most people. I have always loved Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet" and own a copy given to me by a friend. I truly try to live by these words of wisdom. It is almost saying that mistakes are to be expected, they are lessons. They are only accepted based on how effectively learn and respond to them.
The latter quote brings to the forefront of my mind the reality that so many fail to accept.... that to do nothing is also an action and a choice. At some point we have to stop and ask ourselves if truly we are moving forward or simply perpetuating the same status quo. But, we all know (even if we do not admit it) that you cannot do the same as always and expect a different outcome! So often I hear complaints, woes, stories about someone's life. While I am a highly empathetic person, I often think that perhaps this person is failing to learn the lesson at hand and failing themselves by not taking ownership to take action. While I understand that action often equals change, and change for most is terrifying.... stop expecting others to fix YOU and YOUR situation. It never seems a 'perfect time' for action, but we make choices anyway. To change jobs, have kids, get married, divorced, start being healthy, quitting bad habits....
Why not start taking responsibility for your own happiness too? Like we do our education, our jobs, our children? Face reality, once step at a time. Terrifying, believe me I know! But, by opening myself up to what is out there for me I am opening up to taking the risk of letting myself finally be happy. Recognizing that I am worthy of being happy too.
"Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action"
Benjamin Disraeli
Both ring true. Both applicable to me, and most people. I have always loved Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet" and own a copy given to me by a friend. I truly try to live by these words of wisdom. It is almost saying that mistakes are to be expected, they are lessons. They are only accepted based on how effectively learn and respond to them.
The latter quote brings to the forefront of my mind the reality that so many fail to accept.... that to do nothing is also an action and a choice. At some point we have to stop and ask ourselves if truly we are moving forward or simply perpetuating the same status quo. But, we all know (even if we do not admit it) that you cannot do the same as always and expect a different outcome! So often I hear complaints, woes, stories about someone's life. While I am a highly empathetic person, I often think that perhaps this person is failing to learn the lesson at hand and failing themselves by not taking ownership to take action. While I understand that action often equals change, and change for most is terrifying.... stop expecting others to fix YOU and YOUR situation. It never seems a 'perfect time' for action, but we make choices anyway. To change jobs, have kids, get married, divorced, start being healthy, quitting bad habits....
Why not start taking responsibility for your own happiness too? Like we do our education, our jobs, our children? Face reality, once step at a time. Terrifying, believe me I know! But, by opening myself up to what is out there for me I am opening up to taking the risk of letting myself finally be happy. Recognizing that I am worthy of being happy too.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Tail Spin
As the title would suggest, I am struggling with a bit of a tail spin. Or as a good friend calls it, a "speed wobble". I am juggling the responsibilities of my life fairly well, and have been for the last 5 years or so. After a visit on Wed. to a friendly neighborhood therapist, I have been undone. Set into tail spin. Questioning all that is and around me. All that was.
She called me on my constant movement, action, DOING. Not being still. Not taking the time to hear the inner voices. Admitting she is right was so hard. That yes, I am very community minded-- but all my committments serve a personal purpose too. Seeking outside ways to fill my intellectual/personal needs going unmet. The irony? It worked for such a good long time. Moving, moving, moving, embracing changes and challenges.... it all spurred me on and created just enough external focus for me to silence the inner voices. She also pointed out that I may never find anyone who fills the emotional space in me, so I had better take the time to find ways to tend it myself as well. I am going to tend it, that is so much of what this year is about I think. But I also choose to believe that between me and someone else, I can adequately fill my emotional core.
As I have said before, this past year has been one of awakening. Of growth, change, re-rooting and re-discovering of myself. The inner voice, (I think of her as my inner child) will no longer be silenced. She has been screaming and shouting and making demands for 7, almost 8 months. There is that number seven again. My number.
What am I to do? Not sure. Whatever it is, maintaining normalcy for my kids is top priority... kids just need security and predictability and love. I can do that. But long term, happy Mummy means a good parent. They are letting me do a bit more and complaining less. Me working, taking classes is less of an imposition to them.
I read something someone said to the effect that 'the adventures we will have in life is dependent on how many times we say yes'. How am I opening myself up, to that inner emotional me?
Hey-- I got a plan.... I ALWAYS have a plan.... welcome to Ms. Bossy Boots world! Hah, if only I could translate my confidence into reality! Honestly, I know it will unfurl as it does. The road I travel is winding and often I cannot see what is around the corner....
She called me on my constant movement, action, DOING. Not being still. Not taking the time to hear the inner voices. Admitting she is right was so hard. That yes, I am very community minded-- but all my committments serve a personal purpose too. Seeking outside ways to fill my intellectual/personal needs going unmet. The irony? It worked for such a good long time. Moving, moving, moving, embracing changes and challenges.... it all spurred me on and created just enough external focus for me to silence the inner voices. She also pointed out that I may never find anyone who fills the emotional space in me, so I had better take the time to find ways to tend it myself as well. I am going to tend it, that is so much of what this year is about I think. But I also choose to believe that between me and someone else, I can adequately fill my emotional core.
As I have said before, this past year has been one of awakening. Of growth, change, re-rooting and re-discovering of myself. The inner voice, (I think of her as my inner child) will no longer be silenced. She has been screaming and shouting and making demands for 7, almost 8 months. There is that number seven again. My number.
What am I to do? Not sure. Whatever it is, maintaining normalcy for my kids is top priority... kids just need security and predictability and love. I can do that. But long term, happy Mummy means a good parent. They are letting me do a bit more and complaining less. Me working, taking classes is less of an imposition to them.
I read something someone said to the effect that 'the adventures we will have in life is dependent on how many times we say yes'. How am I opening myself up, to that inner emotional me?
Hey-- I got a plan.... I ALWAYS have a plan.... welcome to Ms. Bossy Boots world! Hah, if only I could translate my confidence into reality! Honestly, I know it will unfurl as it does. The road I travel is winding and often I cannot see what is around the corner....
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Ohhhh the snow....
I have never driven on black ice covered with snow... hang on, I did today! What an evening. The meeting cancelled, I turned around and headed back home. The highway was nuts, so I got off. Mistake. Going through town was equal trouble. Cars sliding everywhere on the downhill, struggling on the uphill. In town no less. I crept along at a slower pace than I normally walk!
I ended up getting stuck on a patch of snow covered ice on an uphill, no going up or down to be had. Oh my. And sadly, was not driving a standard transmission either!! So, I tried and tried to move.... skidding nowhere but side to side. When a smiling face popped up to my window! A helpful guy stopped and pushed the backend while I geared down and tried to move forward. Thanks to him, I made it home. Further reinforcing my belief that kindness and good people are everywhere. No two-percenters to be found today. A normally 25 minute drive was almost 2 hrs. But I made it home in once piece, hungry and worn. Into pajamas I got, leftover homemade soup warmed and eaten, kids snuggled and to bed, this written, now off to bed.
Todays lessons.... (1)when you feel alone, good people have a way of popping up and renewing the sense that 'we are all connected'. (2) Being busy is a great way to ignore inner turmoil. Downtime has its downfalls (3) I am learning many things every day through my job, and I have really extended my understanding of communications within organizations lately. I'm proud of myself. (4) My big heart is a bit of a liability, good thing the big brain reigns it in.
I ended up getting stuck on a patch of snow covered ice on an uphill, no going up or down to be had. Oh my. And sadly, was not driving a standard transmission either!! So, I tried and tried to move.... skidding nowhere but side to side. When a smiling face popped up to my window! A helpful guy stopped and pushed the backend while I geared down and tried to move forward. Thanks to him, I made it home. Further reinforcing my belief that kindness and good people are everywhere. No two-percenters to be found today. A normally 25 minute drive was almost 2 hrs. But I made it home in once piece, hungry and worn. Into pajamas I got, leftover homemade soup warmed and eaten, kids snuggled and to bed, this written, now off to bed.
Todays lessons.... (1)when you feel alone, good people have a way of popping up and renewing the sense that 'we are all connected'. (2) Being busy is a great way to ignore inner turmoil. Downtime has its downfalls (3) I am learning many things every day through my job, and I have really extended my understanding of communications within organizations lately. I'm proud of myself. (4) My big heart is a bit of a liability, good thing the big brain reigns it in.
Christmas and my Mum
Christmas is a wonderful time of year. Not for the presents, but for the GOOD things that come with the season. The memories of happy childhood memories, traditions re-visited and traditions created anew. I had a wonderful family event which has been happening for over a decade now. It is a gift exchange where all things which are brought must be homemade and for anyone. Each year gifts change, and yet some people have become specialists in their own unique gifts... one cousin creates games, on makes flannel pillowcases, an uncle is a master fudge maker, and an aunt always makes knitted items. Initially there was pressure to preform. But, as time has passed the pressure has mellowed and now there is a looseness and degree of silly fun. So good.
As spouses and children get added to the mix, the size of the event grows. As a result one cousin sent out an email asking everyone to report what they had brought and got. As a result of this email exchange, the spirit of my Mum popped very quickly to the surface. It seems now that despite this event being Christmas related, there is without a doubt an underpinning of it being a annual remembrance of Mum-- given that it is the 3 sisters and their family who attend. We all still come together, her death not something that cleaved us apart but instead glued us together.
Mum LOVED Christmas. The decoration, the anticipation, definately the baking (oh, her Christmas cake still makes my mouth water just from memories...) and you know? I continue to make things she did as a tribute. Like whipped shortbreads and PB balls. And I have forged my own traditions. As I endeavor to create the same magical environment for my children that she did for me and G, but also to keep it alive for N and J who never had enough time to feel her passion for the season.
Her lectures on giving, not getting are still remembered. That it is not whether it cost a one penny or one million, but the thought is what counts. These continue to ring so true. I love the giving, and when I get that simple thing so steeped in thoughtful contemplation of me I treasure it. Be it a pen, or an old t-shirt worn soft but passed on for sentimental reasons.
Today I got out for both work, and also in search of those very things I need to assist in the bringing of Christmas magic to my house, to my friends, my loved ones and even my community.
As spouses and children get added to the mix, the size of the event grows. As a result one cousin sent out an email asking everyone to report what they had brought and got. As a result of this email exchange, the spirit of my Mum popped very quickly to the surface. It seems now that despite this event being Christmas related, there is without a doubt an underpinning of it being a annual remembrance of Mum-- given that it is the 3 sisters and their family who attend. We all still come together, her death not something that cleaved us apart but instead glued us together.
Mum LOVED Christmas. The decoration, the anticipation, definately the baking (oh, her Christmas cake still makes my mouth water just from memories...) and you know? I continue to make things she did as a tribute. Like whipped shortbreads and PB balls. And I have forged my own traditions. As I endeavor to create the same magical environment for my children that she did for me and G, but also to keep it alive for N and J who never had enough time to feel her passion for the season.
Her lectures on giving, not getting are still remembered. That it is not whether it cost a one penny or one million, but the thought is what counts. These continue to ring so true. I love the giving, and when I get that simple thing so steeped in thoughtful contemplation of me I treasure it. Be it a pen, or an old t-shirt worn soft but passed on for sentimental reasons.
Today I got out for both work, and also in search of those very things I need to assist in the bringing of Christmas magic to my house, to my friends, my loved ones and even my community.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Creative expression.... are you hiding?
My photography muse has disappeared. Or perhaps I am not looking out into the world with the right lenses. Perhaps it is because I am struggling with a vague loneliness. A missing of some part of me... I think I know what it is, but I am afraid to answer it truthfully.
Creative expression is the part of me I have opened in this new chapter of life which began a while ago. The visual part of me is still there. I am drawn to the tactile arts and have arranged to be the assistant to a metal artist who made a fantastic sculpture of a maple seed pod. I am making steps and efforts to commit to my tactile and creative needs. My own expression seems to have fallen into words. Words are something I am hearing, dancing, all about me. From an interview on CBC I was captivated by ptolemic and pastiche, and later I stumbled across a poetry self-discovery book. I tried some of the exercises and wrote words that appealed to me. Had a ring. Like verdant and voracious, solemnify and arbitrary, incongruous, apothecary, azure, silken, rippled, ashen, ascertain, encompass. I let my mind wander where it would...
skin dappled with droplets of sun
recollection of another time
years accumulated
rounded smoothness suspended by musculature
or
moisture coalesced
between the planes hewn from one
heedless and headlong
forced from the garden
yet not able to dry
XOX-- Do you see yourself? Does a line touch you for some reason? You see, I finally get this poetry thing. It need not mean anything to anyone else. What I am referring to or what I meant does not really matter. For the play of the words is the application of colour on canvas. How your eyes interpret that colour and internalize is beyond my control. Like visual art, there is form and there is effect.
Creative expression is the part of me I have opened in this new chapter of life which began a while ago. The visual part of me is still there. I am drawn to the tactile arts and have arranged to be the assistant to a metal artist who made a fantastic sculpture of a maple seed pod. I am making steps and efforts to commit to my tactile and creative needs. My own expression seems to have fallen into words. Words are something I am hearing, dancing, all about me. From an interview on CBC I was captivated by ptolemic and pastiche, and later I stumbled across a poetry self-discovery book. I tried some of the exercises and wrote words that appealed to me. Had a ring. Like verdant and voracious, solemnify and arbitrary, incongruous, apothecary, azure, silken, rippled, ashen, ascertain, encompass. I let my mind wander where it would...
skin dappled with droplets of sun
recollection of another time
years accumulated
rounded smoothness suspended by musculature
or
moisture coalesced
between the planes hewn from one
heedless and headlong
forced from the garden
yet not able to dry
XOX-- Do you see yourself? Does a line touch you for some reason? You see, I finally get this poetry thing. It need not mean anything to anyone else. What I am referring to or what I meant does not really matter. For the play of the words is the application of colour on canvas. How your eyes interpret that colour and internalize is beyond my control. Like visual art, there is form and there is effect.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
So you wanna be the boss?
Something I have thought on. I like being the boss, but let me qualify that with 'sometimes'. I had a lunch meeting with a a sponsor on Friday which really made me think on the question. It made me think, because we invited our someone from our own head office to join us at the last minute. As we casually discussed how the sponsor's program had unrolled, and brought some ideas to the table of ways to better benefit both them and us, I watched as the head office rep got increasingly agitated. Head office wanting one thing, and the sponsor wanting to deal with the people who directly administer their funding initiative. A conflict of vision. It made me think, would I **really** want to be at the helm of a ship where ass-kissing was key? Would I really want to be the one having people try to kiss mine? Not really.
The experience (however uncomfortable at the time) was very instrumental in me recognizing that if I am to realize my dream of becoming an executive director, it will have to be of a small grassroots organization. The 'corporate-ness' that comes with running a larger non-profit just does not appeal to me in the least. When you get to a point where image management and not issue drives the job of an ED, I want out! The whole experience made me recognize that it is passion for a cause, direct effect of services rendered, contact with the volunteers... these are all crucial to me. Not for me to feel powerful, but for me to feel connected. It is that very feeling of connectedness and use of my own skills that brings me satisfaction.
I guess what I need to start is a book entitled lessons I have learned... perhaps if I did this I really would internalize the lessons learned! Hmm, sounds like a new year's resolution in the making.....
The experience (however uncomfortable at the time) was very instrumental in me recognizing that if I am to realize my dream of becoming an executive director, it will have to be of a small grassroots organization. The 'corporate-ness' that comes with running a larger non-profit just does not appeal to me in the least. When you get to a point where image management and not issue drives the job of an ED, I want out! The whole experience made me recognize that it is passion for a cause, direct effect of services rendered, contact with the volunteers... these are all crucial to me. Not for me to feel powerful, but for me to feel connected. It is that very feeling of connectedness and use of my own skills that brings me satisfaction.
I guess what I need to start is a book entitled lessons I have learned... perhaps if I did this I really would internalize the lessons learned! Hmm, sounds like a new year's resolution in the making.....
Friday, December 11, 2009
As Snowflakes Softly fell....
And fall the snowflakes did. A few inches of sparkling fluffy stuff last night, more again in the morning and this afternoon my drive home from a meeting was with reduced visibility. Beautiful.
To remember the winter as a child is easy. Playing until your hands were cold and mitts were wet, wrists chaffed with the wet wool. Laying in the snow and feeling the cold slowly penetrate through the thick padding of your snowsuit. The crunch of snow under boot, the excitement at making a fort. Winter in Canada.
I love winter at night. The clear sky filled with sparkling stars. Breath that crystallizes as you exhale in the cold. It feels so much more still and silent with the buffer of snow. If only I could eliminate the whirr of snowmobiles! I loved working the winter nights for on-campus security when I lived in Thunder Bay. Sometimes we were lucky enough to catch northern lights cascade and swirl alongside the stars. Never have I seen skies as beautiful as those in Northwestern Ontario -- Spring Winter Summer or Fall.
Lately I have started taking my kids out to walk the dog with me in the dark. I miss the dusk time, but I do like the quiet of night, a close second. The kids bring their flashlights and chase the black dog among the shadows. A fun game for all involved. I feel like the dark is hardly something to be afraid of. I love the blanket it provides. Rich in its depth and strength.
To remember the winter as a child is easy. Playing until your hands were cold and mitts were wet, wrists chaffed with the wet wool. Laying in the snow and feeling the cold slowly penetrate through the thick padding of your snowsuit. The crunch of snow under boot, the excitement at making a fort. Winter in Canada.
I love winter at night. The clear sky filled with sparkling stars. Breath that crystallizes as you exhale in the cold. It feels so much more still and silent with the buffer of snow. If only I could eliminate the whirr of snowmobiles! I loved working the winter nights for on-campus security when I lived in Thunder Bay. Sometimes we were lucky enough to catch northern lights cascade and swirl alongside the stars. Never have I seen skies as beautiful as those in Northwestern Ontario -- Spring Winter Summer or Fall.
Lately I have started taking my kids out to walk the dog with me in the dark. I miss the dusk time, but I do like the quiet of night, a close second. The kids bring their flashlights and chase the black dog among the shadows. A fun game for all involved. I feel like the dark is hardly something to be afraid of. I love the blanket it provides. Rich in its depth and strength.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
As I cleared up after dinner I could hear the CBC coming from my office. A song was playing that caught me, the resonance of the voice. I dried my hands and went in to turn up the volume. I recognized the song, but could not put a finger on the artist. Hurrah for google. Royal Wood is the artist with the voice of gold and the song is Juliet. Have a tissue ready.....
You cannot help but be captured by the man's introspective expression. And the truck, oh, the truck. How I want that very truck! But I digress. I had an email forwarded to me about "the want". How we want things, feeling, the grass on the other side.... when I watched I felt deeply touched as I could identify deeply with his emotions and the loneliness he'd feel. It also made me wonder if I will have that depth of love for someone I have grown old with. I think we all do. We all 'want' to be the couple who holds hands. The woman whose husband touches her gently and with obvious care and love years later. To be loved like in "The Notebook". But is this just foolishness? Yet again another want that perhaps we already have but are too blind to see? Or perhaps something all people long for but are too afraid to capture for each action has an equal and opposite reaction?
I miss you Mum. I wish you were here, for your blunt honesty and ability to see deeper. I could use your advice.
You cannot help but be captured by the man's introspective expression. And the truck, oh, the truck. How I want that very truck! But I digress. I had an email forwarded to me about "the want". How we want things, feeling, the grass on the other side.... when I watched I felt deeply touched as I could identify deeply with his emotions and the loneliness he'd feel. It also made me wonder if I will have that depth of love for someone I have grown old with. I think we all do. We all 'want' to be the couple who holds hands. The woman whose husband touches her gently and with obvious care and love years later. To be loved like in "The Notebook". But is this just foolishness? Yet again another want that perhaps we already have but are too blind to see? Or perhaps something all people long for but are too afraid to capture for each action has an equal and opposite reaction?
I miss you Mum. I wish you were here, for your blunt honesty and ability to see deeper. I could use your advice.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Walmart Kills the Spirit...
Of Christmas. It also kills independent bookstores and probably people who slave away trying to make all the cheap crap people buy there. Sadly, I had to enter one today. In search of specific toys. Ugh. By the time I got to the toy aisle my IQ had dropped 20 points, and I felt devoid of any Christmas spirit. Shopping in those places is a chore and is meaningless consumerism. What is Christmas-y about spend spend spend? How many people will plunge themselves into further debt over one day?
Enough of my ranting. I picked up a glossy magazine as I stood there in the aisle awaiting check out with my plundered toys (LOL), and happened upon a Pablo Neruda quotation. Surely a quote from one of his poems. It was beautiful and moving in the moment and I almost bought the magazine to have that quote. The words are silently resonating within me and yet I cannot recall them. It drove me to look for it, and in doing so I happened upon other works by him. Beautiful. Some that struck my core....
If You Forget Me, Drunk as Drunk, The Question, are all poems I love and move me deeply. But I especially relate to this....
from "We are Many"
But when I call upon my DASHING BEING,
out comes the same OLD LAZY SELF,
and so I never know just WHO I AM,
nor how many I am, nor WHO WE WILL BE BEING.
I would like to be able to touch a bell
and call up my real self, the truly me,
because if I really need my proper self,
I must not allow myself to disappear
Enough of my ranting. I picked up a glossy magazine as I stood there in the aisle awaiting check out with my plundered toys (LOL), and happened upon a Pablo Neruda quotation. Surely a quote from one of his poems. It was beautiful and moving in the moment and I almost bought the magazine to have that quote. The words are silently resonating within me and yet I cannot recall them. It drove me to look for it, and in doing so I happened upon other works by him. Beautiful. Some that struck my core....
If You Forget Me, Drunk as Drunk, The Question, are all poems I love and move me deeply. But I especially relate to this....
from "We are Many"
But when I call upon my DASHING BEING,
out comes the same OLD LAZY SELF,
and so I never know just WHO I AM,
nor how many I am, nor WHO WE WILL BE BEING.
I would like to be able to touch a bell
and call up my real self, the truly me,
because if I really need my proper self,
I must not allow myself to disappear
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Change Management within Organizations.... or you!
I discovered at a recent course on Change Management techniques for organizations that really, change doesn't bother me as much as some. Change for me provides challenge, excitement and diversity. With no change, things stagnate. That being said, change in and of itself can be a dangerous endeavor! Don't I know it! Our Prof asked us to examine significant changes we have undergone professionally and personally. To examine similarities and differences. Then as the day progressed we learned the stages of change and were able to identify why they perhaps succeeded or failed. It was a course that came at a time of great significance in my personal and professional life.
The prof made a comment (almost like he had read my previous blog, synchonicity) and spoke on how we operate among clusters of people, and our own energy attracts others into these clusters for a variety of reasons. Often, it is the closest of relationships where you will see a balance being established between change resister and change promoter. Hmmmm though I. Too true.
I recognized my own part as being an advocate of change, but also that I am often a catalyst for change in others. I see so much opportunity in people, and when they hear me, and actually let the belief sink in I have seen people take that and move on to a new direction. THe hopeless do-gooder in me just wants people to get what they deserve and need. To find their own equilibrium and happy place. As I search for mine. Their success in turn motivates me to continue on.
Basically, change is broken into 6 stages... ironically I can take any major event and objectively examine it and identify what occurred in each phase. It is these steps that point out where we need to be open, and where the train derails!
1. Loss - recognize a change is afoot. What does it all mean to me. Very confused.
2. Doubt- why do I have to go thru this? Can't it be avoided?
3. Discomfort - impacts of the changes are being felt. Can sense the path, but no clarity. It is at this stage that most changes de-rail. people give up because it is too difficult or seems insurmountable. Most unproductive phase.
4. Discovery- You start to see changes in a new light. Clarity is coming. Anticipation is building and the possibilities emerge.
5. Understanding- You 'get' the change. It's need. How you fit in. How your role will go from here. Confidence is building, productivity returns.
6. Integration- Satisfaction with the change. You are focused forward and change that occurred is not consideration as you have mastered it.
Amazingly enough? This occurs to corporate re-structures, job role changes, or even personal events like divorce. Incredible. We imagine changes, we then implement them, but we must realize the true impacts and take the time to go back and evaluate that change. When change is implemented but never reviewed, it seldom is successful. To which, I agree.
We need to "Be the change you wish to see" as said by Gandhi. How true. Do not just wish or imagine. Don't be a woulda coulda shoulda. Sometimes the cost of standing still is far, greater than the cost of change. Yet the fear of change keeps people inert, unable to move, and the toll grows. Once again, what he said was like a smack between the eyes!
I am certainly not in a state of inertia... I am at Stage 3 in my personal life, the most dangerous. I have gotten over the hump and at Stage 4 professionally. Physically, my move has now reached Stage 5.... I will follow where that takes me.
And I leave with a quote from Peter Drucker, the father or Change Management studies... "The best way to predict the future is to create it".
The prof made a comment (almost like he had read my previous blog, synchonicity) and spoke on how we operate among clusters of people, and our own energy attracts others into these clusters for a variety of reasons. Often, it is the closest of relationships where you will see a balance being established between change resister and change promoter. Hmmmm though I. Too true.
I recognized my own part as being an advocate of change, but also that I am often a catalyst for change in others. I see so much opportunity in people, and when they hear me, and actually let the belief sink in I have seen people take that and move on to a new direction. THe hopeless do-gooder in me just wants people to get what they deserve and need. To find their own equilibrium and happy place. As I search for mine. Their success in turn motivates me to continue on.
Basically, change is broken into 6 stages... ironically I can take any major event and objectively examine it and identify what occurred in each phase. It is these steps that point out where we need to be open, and where the train derails!
1. Loss - recognize a change is afoot. What does it all mean to me. Very confused.
2. Doubt- why do I have to go thru this? Can't it be avoided?
3. Discomfort - impacts of the changes are being felt. Can sense the path, but no clarity. It is at this stage that most changes de-rail. people give up because it is too difficult or seems insurmountable. Most unproductive phase.
4. Discovery- You start to see changes in a new light. Clarity is coming. Anticipation is building and the possibilities emerge.
5. Understanding- You 'get' the change. It's need. How you fit in. How your role will go from here. Confidence is building, productivity returns.
6. Integration- Satisfaction with the change. You are focused forward and change that occurred is not consideration as you have mastered it.
Amazingly enough? This occurs to corporate re-structures, job role changes, or even personal events like divorce. Incredible. We imagine changes, we then implement them, but we must realize the true impacts and take the time to go back and evaluate that change. When change is implemented but never reviewed, it seldom is successful. To which, I agree.
We need to "Be the change you wish to see" as said by Gandhi. How true. Do not just wish or imagine. Don't be a woulda coulda shoulda. Sometimes the cost of standing still is far, greater than the cost of change. Yet the fear of change keeps people inert, unable to move, and the toll grows. Once again, what he said was like a smack between the eyes!
I am certainly not in a state of inertia... I am at Stage 3 in my personal life, the most dangerous. I have gotten over the hump and at Stage 4 professionally. Physically, my move has now reached Stage 5.... I will follow where that takes me.
And I leave with a quote from Peter Drucker, the father or Change Management studies... "The best way to predict the future is to create it".
Friday, December 4, 2009
Synchronicity
I have stumbled across many things in my lifetime. People, places, information... and often thought that it was odd how timely it was. Carl Jung was the one to term these seemingly unrelated occurrences (i.e. going out to pick something specific up at a store, and looking up and seeing a friend you had not seen in 10yrs but had thought of just that week... my personal example) SYNCHRONICITY.
It means all that happens occurs as the wheels of time turn, and coincide... we draw into our life people and things according to the energy we put out. There is even some scientific research into this. Those that follow this in a religious sense, say that if you watch how you travel through your life, keep perspective on it, you vibrate at a higher level. Synchronicities then cycle more frequently. You have to look more at the pattern, less on the specific event. Our soul constantly is preparing us for new experiences. Jung is incredibly specific and classifies the types of synchronistic events that can occur. Implicit in Jung's concept of synchronicity is the belief in the ultimate "oneness" of the universe. As Jung expressed it, such phenomenon betrays a "peculiar interdependence of objective elements among themselves as well as with the subjective (psychic) states of the observer or observers."
We are all interconnected in our own journeys, each supporting each other's growth and change if we are open to it. Or so Jung believed. I too believe. This thought supports my belief that good and bad things are not punishments/rewards for behaviour or choices. They merely are. We choose how to interact with our experiences. I think of illness. How awful terminal illness can be. I think of my experiences with my Mum's invasive cancer. And it is not the losses and negatives I dwell on. But the beauty she chose in how she dealt with it. The cancer support group she started. The emotional reconnect that occurred in our family. The people she touched. How much I learned about cancer, treatments, medicine and an appreciation for end of life care and pain management. That I do not fear death or see it as horrific, but instead an an end to something that had a beginning.
I guess we need to look less at WHY things happen, and accept that they are here and choose the place they will take in our lives. I have thought a lot lately about the place of illness in humanity.... illness beyond the scientific. How life could possibly mean to make people have kids who are sick. Or die. Or even in my case, have given me a premature baby that in turn affected so much havoc in my life. But when I still my mind, I too can say it all resulted in patterns and experiences with people. I used my tools of research to calm my own fears and in turn reassured others. I was able to support my own child and get the services he needed. I took a different route work wise, and learned about autism. My own child priming me to better appreciate the emotional weight of things no medecine can make go away.
There is a pattern in my life. It circles, weaves and bobs. There is no straight line. I am always rounding a corner so perhaps this is why I feel like I am always making choices in the short term. Perhaps. There are a pattern of people. People I have changed, others who have changed me. Some who have truly seen me, others who only see my shell. Through everything I am deepening my connection with myself and learning the hard lessons and taking what I must from them. I am learning that no matter what, the intensity of concern and care I have for others need not be a bad thing. It just is. Others may not get how I can care so deeply, or see so much potential in others.... but I do. It is me. And it is a driving force of the synchronicity in my life.
May my heart and care wrap around all those in my life like a swaddling blanket. Knowing that no matter what, when you turn to me I will still be there.
It means all that happens occurs as the wheels of time turn, and coincide... we draw into our life people and things according to the energy we put out. There is even some scientific research into this. Those that follow this in a religious sense, say that if you watch how you travel through your life, keep perspective on it, you vibrate at a higher level. Synchronicities then cycle more frequently. You have to look more at the pattern, less on the specific event. Our soul constantly is preparing us for new experiences. Jung is incredibly specific and classifies the types of synchronistic events that can occur. Implicit in Jung's concept of synchronicity is the belief in the ultimate "oneness" of the universe. As Jung expressed it, such phenomenon betrays a "peculiar interdependence of objective elements among themselves as well as with the subjective (psychic) states of the observer or observers."
We are all interconnected in our own journeys, each supporting each other's growth and change if we are open to it. Or so Jung believed. I too believe. This thought supports my belief that good and bad things are not punishments/rewards for behaviour or choices. They merely are. We choose how to interact with our experiences. I think of illness. How awful terminal illness can be. I think of my experiences with my Mum's invasive cancer. And it is not the losses and negatives I dwell on. But the beauty she chose in how she dealt with it. The cancer support group she started. The emotional reconnect that occurred in our family. The people she touched. How much I learned about cancer, treatments, medicine and an appreciation for end of life care and pain management. That I do not fear death or see it as horrific, but instead an an end to something that had a beginning.
I guess we need to look less at WHY things happen, and accept that they are here and choose the place they will take in our lives. I have thought a lot lately about the place of illness in humanity.... illness beyond the scientific. How life could possibly mean to make people have kids who are sick. Or die. Or even in my case, have given me a premature baby that in turn affected so much havoc in my life. But when I still my mind, I too can say it all resulted in patterns and experiences with people. I used my tools of research to calm my own fears and in turn reassured others. I was able to support my own child and get the services he needed. I took a different route work wise, and learned about autism. My own child priming me to better appreciate the emotional weight of things no medecine can make go away.
There is a pattern in my life. It circles, weaves and bobs. There is no straight line. I am always rounding a corner so perhaps this is why I feel like I am always making choices in the short term. Perhaps. There are a pattern of people. People I have changed, others who have changed me. Some who have truly seen me, others who only see my shell. Through everything I am deepening my connection with myself and learning the hard lessons and taking what I must from them. I am learning that no matter what, the intensity of concern and care I have for others need not be a bad thing. It just is. Others may not get how I can care so deeply, or see so much potential in others.... but I do. It is me. And it is a driving force of the synchronicity in my life.
May my heart and care wrap around all those in my life like a swaddling blanket. Knowing that no matter what, when you turn to me I will still be there.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Moved....
Well the day of the move has come and gone. As I packed for a solid day and a half, I often thought "where does all this stuff come from??". Then the move. The movers made every penny that I paid them. They had a piano and oodles of boxes to move.... and move stuff they did! Upstairs, down to the basement for storage, and heavy heavy antiques. I am so sore today, I think my back muscles are swollen! Even a hot bath in my "new" old clawfoot tub did not help.... is this a sign of age? Methinks it may be so.....
I am NEVER moving again if I can possibly help it. At least not an entire house!
The funniest part... R asked this morning (at 5:45am) if we could paint her room today. My answer, "see these boxes? When they are all emptied and the house is tidy... THEN we will paint." Her answer, "tomorrow then?". Ah, the optimism of youth.
I am NEVER moving again if I can possibly help it. At least not an entire house!
The funniest part... R asked this morning (at 5:45am) if we could paint her room today. My answer, "see these boxes? When they are all emptied and the house is tidy... THEN we will paint." Her answer, "tomorrow then?". Ah, the optimism of youth.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)