Gotta dream a dream...

And according to my standards, this dream is still in a bit of the fantasy category as I have yet to start making any plans to take me there.  No roadmap devised as of yet.  So what is this dream??  A variation of the long standing fantasy.... the dream of owning a few acres and building a "green" home.  Grey water recovery, low energy requirements and construction that is reflective of the area.  Y'know, using those rammed earth, local materials, or straw bale construction.  Boy, has green construction come a long way since I first came across straw bale and environmental systems at an outdoor centre I worked at over 10 years ago.

It's funny, I have been fascinated with the whole concept of green building for some time.  But, it was with the past couple of jobs I have had that I have come to truly appreciate the potential importance of green building.  To be able to get as far away from dependence on conventional systems is increasingly appealing to me.  Am I turning into one of those wild eyed, crazy idea'd, apocalyptic people?  No.  Highly unlikely.  I am however increasingly aware of the unchecked growth of our society and its unsustainable nature.

So I dream my dream.  A dream of independence.  A dream of a lighter environmental footprint and sustainable future.  Independent yet still connected to a community.  One where interdependence creates stronger ties and goes against the Walmart's and strip malls of today.  A sort of back to the future dream.  Where what was good about the past is combined with the technology of today.  Really integrating our knowledge instead of ignoring the wisdom of other cultures and times, to blindly push forward.

A dream of a personal space that is in rhythm with the earth, meets the needs of my life, and is a part of a bigger picture where society moves toward a more connected and ethically conscious.  A dream, a fantasy..... whatever it is, its mine.

A woman of substance.... A woman of contrasts...

Time passes quickly by. Minutes blending quickly into the form of a day, weeks into months marked by seasonal changes. For me, it is the changes in weather that seem to demarcate the passing of time and much less the rigidity of a calendar.

Our recent snowfall was one of these “time passing” moments. Suddenly it was winter. Summer long past and fall a seeming blip on the screen. Walking through the fields and having light snow at my feet and not the lush green I had started with. It made me stop and realize that wow.... my life has really changed dramatically in the past 6 months. That to dream is to think of possibilities and to try to make those dreams reality is to live within the space of your heart. When I do this, I have a feeling of wholeness. My John Deere experience definitely triggered this. John Deere you say? As in green tractor? Why yes.... indeed.

This snowfall meant my workspace out of doors needed clearing. Waiting not being my strong suit, I figured I would go and take a look-see at the tractor with the snowblower attachment. How hard could it be to figure it out? So, with a little trial and error I got that bad boy running and the blower working. There I was, me, sitting astride the tractor (albeit a small one!) blowing snow out of the laneway. Who would have thought that I, oh one of two degrees, certificates etc etc.... would be mucking out sheep stalls and snowblowing laneways?

The funny part is the ease with which I slide from mucking a sheep stall, clearing snow to pitching our organizational vision and building partnerships. Building workable budgets and accessing government funding are all under my umbrella of duties. Along with the snow and sheep. I love it. So many people would shake their heads at my love of this. That I can go to the Symphony and wear formal attire, or ride a tractor-- all the while smiling and being no one but me. Crazy me. Weird wild me. And man, it feels good to be no one but me.

Yes, I was inordinately proud of my ability to get that tractor going. I admit it. Silly girl. But, it is that stuff of believing you can. Going for it. Living that dream and accepting that should you fail, you at least tried and you own THAT! Ask yourself..... how much of your life do you own? Are you going for it? Are you on stage or always waiting for your chance – doing the dress rehearsal again and again? Could you die in your sleep tonight and be okay with the imprint you have left behind???

Who do we trust?

The organization of human beings into a social collective is a strange weird wild thing.  We in pairs or small familial groups are able to govern ourselves.  As the group grows, the need for rules and regulations increases in order to stay in "order".  We then have to devise a system of how to transfer the responsibility to govern this social collective to one person or a group of people.  How do we decide?  And then how are we to ensure that they truly will carry out that which is in our best interests?

All this thought has been brought to the surface by my thinking out how I "feel" about the wikileaks kafuffle and the response of various governments.  My though process today has been brought to something my mother said to me "don't say anything you are not willing to stand behind and say directly to those you are talking about".  So what if the US Ambassador called Putin an "alpha dog"?  Isn't it true?  When is keeping information secret necessary and when is it not?  Should we not be allowed to police those who police us?  Where is the continuous flow of power between the decisionmakers and those being decided for?

I guess where I am at is that perhaps the people making these decisions under "secrecy" are getting lazy with their ethics as the blanket of secrecy makes them feel all cozy and safe.  Perhaps it is good that Desange is shaking the tree.  Someone should.  If you are doing something that would endanger others if it was public, maybe we shouldn't do it!?

It somehow seems to me to come back to things very simple.  Like authenticity of self.  Would you spend all that money if everyone knew your new purse, clothes and image were all just bought on credit?  That you really didn't own any of it?  Would politicians be so blithe about their stereotypes of welfare recipients if they had to deliver their comments DIRECTLY to those who receive it?  What I am saying is we are a society who is becoming less responsible for what we do and say.  Maybe getting back to the basics of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" and the "golden rule" might not be a bad idea.  And if you are not doing something nice or saying something nasty, be responsible for it!  What a revolutionary idea!!!

This is what wikileaks all boils down to for me.  Who do we trust?  Why are people getting all bent out of shape?  Why ARE people keeping things on the 'down low' ??  If we want openness, we need to be ready for it.  Is your trust well placed?  Would you be able to stand tall if all was out for others to see?

Who do we trust?  I don't know.  I trust myself to do what is best for me.  Best for my children.  Beyond that, trust is one of those difficult ethical extensions.

Nothing is forever

Nothing is forever.... a phrase which seems to be ringing throughout my life.  There are many things we think of as being 'forever'.  For many people it is like they associate "forever" things with control and permanence.  Ever noticed that the tighter you hold on the more worried you become about potentially letting go?  Not having fear of something not being "forever" and you relax and enjoy the now.

What can we guarantee and say is forever?  Life? Nope, age or illness takes that away.  Our kids?  Well, they don't stay little!  Our marriages?  They have people in them, and people change and grow.  With that changes occur to the structure and our perception and reality is renegotiated.  Our houses?  They can burn down.  Our way of life? Imagine having lived through the depression, world war two, the sixties, birth of colour tv, space travel, computers, cell phones.... surely you would say nothing comes with a guarantee of staying the same. 

Every day the sun does come up.  Every day you do have the choice of how you will live it, even if that just involves the little things or your attitude. Every day is different.  Just when you think it is predictable, it becomes unpredictable.  Perhaps "staying calm and carry on" really is the best advice.  To it I would add "stay calm, carry on with a smile on your face and knowledge that happiness is a choice.  Be kind, be loving, be yourself".

Will this make the unpredictability and lack of "forever" in our lives any easier?  In the moment, no.  But when you take a breath, look around and at what is.... it can. 

Belief Systems

In University we often talked about belief systems, and how they motivate our behaviours.  With my new role I have to be a spokesperson and cheerleader for the organization.  I also need to be very aware of my own opinions and beliefs.  Recently there has been a fair bit of press coverage opportunities which have challenged me significantly.  When you have 2 minutes to say it, you better know what it is you are trying to communicate.  Today I came to a realization..... despite being a left wing type person, I am flexible. 

Let me be specific.... I like regulations to some extent.  They serve a purpose.  But they are not a solution.  Just a tool.  While just letting the market run its course is not a solution.  As I thought more after my interview regarding a specific proposal I realized, dang, I am irritated that people lack the intelligence and capacity to see the connections and nuances that surround any issue.  That people who lead our government are not able to understand nuances scares me silly.... but that is another subject!

I realize my opinions and ideas are flexible and that is okay!  I don't have to prescribe to one set.  I can like one part and not another.  As long as I can explain it!  I guess this is why I cannot "do" organized religion.  They really don't like when you pick and choose!  LOL!  As life forces me to further expand my understanding of what it is I believe in, prescribe to, make decisions by.... I am enabled to learn more about who I really am. 

And knowing who I am and what I believe allows me to be flexible and challenge myself to be open to new ideas.

Ready to Fly....

As I sat in the quiet of my house this evening, happy to just be -- I realized that I am ready to fly.  Fly into some uncharted areas.  And you know what I realized?  I wasn't afraid of getting hurt myself, or even of failing.  What I was most afraid of was hurting those around me. 

Where does that come from I wonder?  I am willing to take risks, give it a go, just terrified of screwing up and hurting those around me.  Perhaps this is experience and my subconscious poking around in my head?  You think?!! 

Its my guess that being ready to fly means setting out those flight plans, taking safety precautions, checking fuel levels and the weather..... but in the end you have to jump.  You can only control so many factors.  And like everything..... there is a point where you just have to go with the gut and DO IT!

Screwing up, hurting people you love and genuinely care about really sucks.  Carrying the knowledge of what you did does too!  We can only work to not repeat our errors, do our best to make amends, and grow from it.  Not make it a big waste unjustified. 

I am afraid to take the leap
I am happy to make the flight plans and fuel up
Taking safety precautions makes me feel like I am not repeating past errors
Yet....
Sometime I have to jump and test my wings.
Believe in myself, and it. 
Whatever the it is.
A person or situation.
Just do it.
Try.

Big breath and .......

Unanswered

Sometimes questions must be left unanswered and paths left untravelled.  I wonder though, how do some people seem better able to just shrug their shoulders and putter along?  Learning to let go, move forward, take a new path.... all good things.  What has passed, has passed and isnt anymore.  Though as humans we cannot help but wonder what if?  What if I said this or that, what if I had just held on a little longer, what if I had said what I wanted to say sooner?  Notice that my unanswered questions all seem to relate to people??

So many people have entered and left my life.  Many I think have no idea of their impact.  No clue that a piece of me left with them and a piece of them is still in me.  In losing a parent I was blessed to have had the chance to close the circle and answer the questions before death interfered.  In a way, it is not having death between you and another person you have not closed the circle with that seems so bothersome.  My perception based on the way I feel anyway.  I realize other people guard who they are more closely, keep their cards to their chest.  Not I.  I am me, fully, completely, wholly and in the last year and a half.... no one else and okay with it.  Perhaps that is why I need  to ask the questions, close the circle with others.  When I open myself (even if they choose not to receive) if the connect is made I need to learn the lesson and see both sides to close the loop.

Could it ever be I wonder,

is the loop closed for us?

Too right with you being you
and I being I,
unexpected and even addictive.
The circle is yet to be completed,
what will be will be.
Truth has a way of coming out,
and the truth of what was and may be
still remains to be seen.
We all must reach for our happiness,
unlocking it from within.
Have you found yours?
Asked for more,
what you deserve?
I'd like to be your key
flinging open the doors of your heart
letting the sun warm
and beautiful happen.
But you are there
and I am here.
I am not sure I know
you
the way I thought I did.
This possibility cuts deep
and
I hope to be proven wrong
sometime
somewhere
somehow.

Entering the Surreal

Ever had those moments where at the time everything seemed the norm, yet later you shake your head?  I had a few like that today.  As 3 fairly important local business people sat in my small office and tossed about ideas, me as an equal communicating my mission and goals, all felt normal.  Yet now, hours later I think "holy cow! I sat there, was treated as an equal!!! Someone worthy of consideration.  Was offered guidance.  WOW!" 

Sometimes we are stuck feeling like that little kid still.  I have made it.  Made it to a place where I am connecting with people who can help me realize some dreams.  Made it to a place where with the help of others almost anything is impossible.  Made it to a place where I attempt to straddle profit and social profit.  Made it to a place where I have enough experience to carry some weight to my ideas.  Not just a kid anymore. 

Okay, I do realize there is responsibility with this.  The wildest part?  I do not see this as a stepping stone at all.  I am fully in the moment and loving the now!  Connected to it, passionate about it and invigorated with the possibilities.

Funny, but I can see how my enthusiasm, passion and drive would scare some people especially men.  And I am good with that.  Why you ask? Mostly because I am realizing that we cannot apologize for who we are or what we are. When we draw people to us who want to share in this, and are as excited about the potential world out there as you are.... it can be amazing.  They add to the colour, depth and flavour of things!  They are so well worth waiting for.  Ahhhh.

More please!

A woman of contrast...

Lately I have been thinking the best way I can describe who I am is a woman of contrast.  There are so many things about me that seem one way, yet are really another.  My strengths are my weakness, and my dreams are my reality, though I wish the reality was more dreamy at times!

Some of those contrasts are...
.... capable and strong.  Independant and fearless.  Yet fearful of becoming too dependent and yet again being put aside.
.... good at lots of things, what a multi-tasker you think!  Yet, not an expert at anything and oddly enough -- cool with that.
.... deep thinker and cerebral.  Yet can be as silly as a 4 yr old child and as crass as they come.
.... expect a lot from myself and set the bar high.  Yet I do not hold others to my standards and instead accept what it is they are capable of.
.... bold and sassy woman, yet deeply empathetic and easily hurt.
.... love beautiful and pricey items yet happy with a beach found treasure.  I weigh need verses want consciously.
.... have values and beliefs I hold as important and really do try to live them.  I hate bottled water, I am conscious of my food choices and the energy my existence consumes.  Yet, I am not rigid.  There is a time and place for everything.
.... am a very affectionate and loving person.  Touchy feely with my kids.  Yet, I max out on touching sometimes and feel drained.  I have a high need for personal space.
.... there are few questions I would not answer honestly.  Yet, for all my openness there is much that is guarded.

As I walk a path openly inviting a walking partner to join me intimately, I wonder just how I should act.  Be more one dimensional?  Be fine with the complexities?  Not worry about the darkness or light but dance in the mist of sunrise or sunset.... that in-between space that is like grey?

While others are day, or night.... I am neither.  I am the space between.  Not quite one or the other, never exactly fitting.  The space that sits in the sliver of consciousness resting between either concrete time.  Not quite one, or the other.  A bit of both.  Contrast.

Make it AWESOME!

And I mean awesome in the way it was meant to be used.  As a word of significance and power.  One which evokes something in your gut.  Not just a passing comment about something that can pass as run of the mill.

Make your own life awesome, awe inspiring, or just plain ol' damn good.  Find out what you do well, and do it.  Be who you are and always strive to be better.  Choose relationships that build on the positive, not the negative.  Recognize all the opportunities in your day where you can smile!  Instead of matching someone else's negative attitude with your own, pass it by.  Feel sympathy even that they are stuck there and not able to work it through and let it go.  Do these and feel awesome.  Sure, we sometimes wake up tired, hardly awe inspiring.  But, can you still do things during that tired day that build you towards a life of meaning, fufillment and love?  Definately.

Some people bring the desire to be better out in us.  Recently I met someone who has a unique ability to make me pause and see the great strides I have already made towards creating my own personal awesome.  They have held up a mirror where sometimes (not always!) am I able to see myself the way they do or others do.  WOW.  Sometimes a wee bit mind bending.  It is with their love, appreciation, support and positive personality that I am swept up and made to see the steps I have taken and not get overwhelmed with the barriers I am currently facing. 

From Neil Young....
Tomorrow is a long long time
if you're a memory
Trying to find peace of mind
Spirit come back to me,
Give me strength and set me free
Let me hear the magic in my heart.

Love and only love
will endure
Hate is everything
you think it is
Love and only love
will break it down
Love and only love,
will break it down
Break it down, break it down.

Beautifully Said

From Pablo Neruda...  some words changed by me.

IV
You will remember the lapping of the waves
where sweet emotions began
and sometimes a bird, wearing water
and slowness, its winter feathers.

You will remember those gifts of your body;
indelible scents, silken edges,
trunks rising around us as wind whipped
magical moments like thorns

You'll remember the moments you took,
park benches and sculptures
reaching out in unfettered
like you wished to

That time was like never, and like always.
So we go there, where nothing is waiting;
We find everything waiting there.

...... I love Pablo Neruda's words and emotion.  As I thought on a moment of great significance in my life I thought how to communicate this using words.  Using words as I move on with my heart, my head conjuring phrases to capture and immortalize the moment....

Living, Learning, Loving

I think there is a book with the title of Living, Learning, Loving.  It seems right for a title right now.  I have been so incredibly busy with life, finding but a moment to stop and write here has almost been impossible!  I have been living my life fully and trying to experience each moment.  Living my job is part of who I am, and it gives me incredible satisfaction.  For me, my job is not just a job but instead an opportunity that an organization has given me to live out my passion to educate and connect communities to new ideas and knowledge.  When I have the chance each day to support this why would I NOT be driven to live each moment fully?

Work also provides ample chances for learning.  Managing others is a learning curve for me.  Determining how much training is needed when you balance out people's desire for control and input into their individual jobs.  Making the shift from the educator to manager has been more challenging than I anticipated!  It has made me appreciate my own skill as an educator, and also attempt to incorporate my true belief in people into a managerial style. 

Personally I continue to learn to balance work and life.  Challenged daily to be a better Mummy, to be fully present and loving.  Learning to open oneself up again is also a lesson.  Sometimes it seems we open up too soon, other times it feels impossible no matter how much we desire it.  It feels good to learn what it is that we need emotionally, mentally, and to feel comfortable recognizing that many people are wonderful but just not good for you.  Learning means accessing knowledge.  Knowledge is powerful.  More powerful when you are able to use that knowledge when it is most applicable....

And I am using that knowledge in how I love.  Being honest with what I need, what I want, what I am willing to let go and what I am willing to move towards.  Loving your children, your friends, your pets is easy.  Allowing someone into the darker recesses of your heart is so much harder.  More complicated.  Without the purity of the love for your children, the simplicity of true friendships, that intimate and soul-revealing love is so challenging.  In my living, I have learned, that loving is not always simple.  Loving intimately requires letting go. 

Regularly it crosses my mind that in both the good and bad of my life there have been lessons.  Lessons that have made me ready to be where I am now.  Ready to open up to loving and being loved while completely exposing my inner self.

On a campaign trail...

With a degree in Political Science and a long time fascination with politics, you would think I would have been involved in a campaign by now.  In reality, nope!  Study vs reality is interesting.  My assisting a friend in his bid for a City Council seat came via "I'll help you but you owe me" situation.  It is my payment to the piper!

So I took on my first time at the "door to door" thing.  Its really kinda cool.  You meet all kinds of people.  Hear interesting things and sometimes get hilarious responses.  Or people who peer at you through the door, worried you are some religion peddler.  As the evening went on I felt like I was getting the hang of it.  Almost enjoying it.  It was driving down the street a few days later that gave me a kick.  All those people we had talked to and said they would take a sign now had signs.  It was like my candidate 'owned' the street.  A cool feeling.  Especially cool because this guy is really genuine.  A good person who is astute and knows how to play the politics game so well. AND he is still a good guy with an amazing wife supporting him in this. 

Its pretty awesome being carried with someone else's enthusiasm for a change.  I suppose this is what some people feel when I draw them into one of my endeavors.  It feels good to be part of something.  I am actually looking forward to my next canvassing effort!

Whooooaaa...... wow!

Man life is crazy.  When you are looking, sometimes what you are seeking sneaks up and smacks you upside the head.  I am so open to anything and everything in the 'space' I am in right now.  Heck, I apparently mutter "wow" in my sleep.  Must be my subconscious speaking aloud about all that I have experienced in the last fourteen months.  Lessons. Should I list them?
1.  People and life experience teach the best lessons.
2.  People will love you, hate you, do things you cannot understand.  And you know what? It isnt about what you are/are not/have/do not have...... it is about what they are focused on.  What you evoke in them.  What you mirror back to them.   They choose their response to you, not the other way around.
3.  It really hurts when people do not live up to the potential you see in them, or the person they lead you to believe was reality.  You can only see what others let you in to see, but on top of this we suffer from seeing what we want to see. 
4.  Being authentically who you are and centred is not always easy, but it is SO JOYFUL.  Ahhh.
5.  Opening your heart and head to all the possibilities and energies around you brings back incredible opportunities.

Today I feel touched by warmth despite the chill in my office (heat on in September??).  I feel lucky.  Despite knowing I am physically tired, I feel mentally refreshed today.  Beautiful.  I am believing in my 2% rule.  Even when things are tough, I know I am tougher and days I have this inner feeling make up for those.  Ahhhhh.....  if you are reading this, I want you to close your eyes and feel my arms wrapping around you and giving you a REAL hug.  One where you feel squeezed and drawn into warmth.  Where our hearts touch for a moment, mine telling yours to feel the love around you.  My lips touching your forehead and a silent wish resting there that you will feel wisdom and inner peace of self.

Growing Wisdom

It was Confucius who said “There are three methods to gaining wisdom. The first is reflection, which is the highest. The second is limitation, which is the easiest. The third is experience, which is the bitterest.”

Ahhhh.  Indeed.  My year has without doubt been one of reflection.  Looking at my own reflection, determining who it is looking back.  Looking at the image of past behaviours and contemplating the "why" and the lessons learned.

Limitation is the challenge.  Learning to continue to strive and try and move forward when all you are doing is running to standing still.  How well I know this feeling.  And true, each time has brought wisdom and when finally the limitations were passed, I saw their significance.

Experience is that which fuels the others.  Without it, we would have nothing to reflect on and nothing to be limited within.  One great gift I feel that has been given to me as of late is the ability to see the connections within my own experience.  A sort of perspective, like I stand aside and all that was and is has focus in that moment.  It isn't a feeling experienced consistently, but instead in stolen moments or times when my mind is finally still.  So rare.

Looking at where I am, I feel rooted.  Today I walked the gardens, and when taking a picture of the squash I took off my shoes and walked barefoot in the soil of the field.  Sinking through, toes immersed in the fluffy soil, and what I thought of was "rooted".  I feel rooted.  And there is wisdom in that.  Knowing who you are is wisdom, and being able to accept crap or beauty all in stride... that is important.  It all takes time.  But for all the soul touching people who have dipped but their toes in my pool, thank you.  Some of you, oh how I wish that you had wanted to swim a while.  Perhaps set up camp and visit the shoreline, explore the beauty.  Not with the intent of permanent residency in your heart but with the bravery and desire to explore the wilds of me.  Others, you came and went and I know why.  Wisdom is to see the limitation of you, take the lessons you brought and accept the experience for both the beauty and pain.  How could we know love if we did not experience indifference?  How could we understand pain if happiness had not been had to contrast it with? 

For me, the wisdom gained has been that everything includes elements of both.  Like the yin and the yang, balance of black and white, light and dark....  It is all part of the deal.

Re-build, Re-focus, Re-configure, Re-.......

All of the above seems to be where I am at.  Phhhwwwthhh.  Grrr.  I am not particularly happy with what is the status quo right now.  After a great weekend of escapism, it seems the energies of the world are set to pull me in and anchor me to the less than savory realities of adulthood.  From my insurance company telling me they don't want to insure me anymore.... to bills piling up for all those adult requirements!  There is a part of me just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I can feel the panic rising, bubbling up in my chest and touching my lily (so to speak!). 

I fear I am dropping the balls around me.... they are slipping out of my hands and spilling everywhere and I am scrambling to pick them up and am not sure why I am and what I am to do with them all....

Surely this too will pass.  And yes, there are many good things.  Damn my coffee tastes good!  Yay, I can come to work without doing/brushing my hair!  I can listen to any radio station I want at work!  I have good friends who I know are there for me, I just have to reach out.

So, I will not curl up in a fetal position on my bed with the duvet pulled over my head (no matter how appealing it may be) and I will try to focus on lessons learned instead of feeling abandoned by the people who have dropped out of my life without explanation.  Stay positive.  Chin up.  This too shall pass as I RE-FOCUS, RE-GENERATE, RE-CREATE who I am.

Boundaries

It seems boundaries are meant to be challenged.  Flexible, evolving, changing.  Seems when I think I have one figured out and set --- someone waltzes in and causes a state of flux.  I love it and hate it.  I love the wow, I love the unexpected at the same time as hating it.  Deliciousness of unpredictable and fear of not being able to control it.

In the mirror is me
the same face and smile
Just a more comfortable skin

Leaning in
I wonder what others can see if they look closely
into my eyes
Is it that visible?

The change of thought
Awareness
of all that is not
and what can be if only

I let it?

When one door closes, another opens up

Letting go of them or this
Not easy
Realizing what you thought you wanted
Was not the case
Running faster to standing still
Trying harder and reaching farther and being more
Yet,
Being less.

It is what I am learning
What I am gaining
To stop and see and feel and be
Turning and catching that glimpse of me and recognizing her
Opening up and letting them, it, all
In

Terrifying
In its beautiful possibilities and options
Endless in the now
Wanting no promises or securities but honest clarity

Just the real now
Present and beautiful
Filling me
Testing and pushing me

Onwards

I need to think of "Awesome"

If you haven't heard of the book of Awesome, you need to go to 1000 Awesome Things .  It is incredible.  He started the whole blog up when he was in a dark place and in need of focus.  Focus on the GOOD things around him.  The little things.  And gosh darn it.... it worked.  Like everyone (everyone being those life coach people) says, if you begin to appreciate simplicity, the small things, your life becomes richer.  The first time I read parts of his book I howled.  Some are just so funny.  Overall, I was left with the sense that as we become more individualistic and drawn into thinking "I am just SOOoooo special", we really are all the same.  We have all crawled back into bed on a cold night and marvelled at the warmth of the cocoon of sheets.  Most of us have had the sensation of fufillment when really really thirsty and you have that gulp of water.  We are all living things that have pretty similar experiences (north americans anyway).  Not so unique.

So, I am thinking I should start my tally of awesome.  Maybe put it as a side bar?  Hmmm.  There is a thought.  Something to remind me that no matter how crappy I feel, or anxious my mood, there is good to be found and thought of!

Surrender to the Chaos....

The advice that resonated with me at this moment.  Surrender.  To let go, give over, "relinquish your will".... ah, yes.  Surrender.  What a tall order, and yet a wise one.  I felt a few moments of surrender as I did chores and cared for the animals this evening.  Smelling the cooling evening air with that distinct rich flavour.  I felt my shoulder relax a good two inches south! 


I think the concept of surrender is one I need to practise more.  To surrender to that which I cannot control and trust that what will come, will indeed come my way.  That people and things will arise in the given situation.  Friday brought a call that was both unexpected and expected at the same time.  I made my move, then surrendered knowing that I have moved far enough forward that I had surrendered to the situation.  It was not within my control, I wras not about to engage in it nor event participate in a small way.  What surprised me was that my request was heard, and I was allowed to not participate.  Thank you.
In my life I am trying to feel more fully my own singular reality and understand how it affects and connects with others.  Taking responsibility for only that which is mine to hold and carry.  Sounds easy enough.... but not for me.
How we grow.  How we learn!  How I understand how people can want to "check out" whether it be through addictions, suicide or nervous breakdowns.  The funny thing?  It is just recently I have had this feeling strike and many around me have sent me messages affirming my strength and giving encouragement.  If I just let go.... the universe will send what it will.... I hope anyway.

Decompression

I am off for a few days of decompression thanks to a good friend and her cottage. Ahhhh. Feeling swamped by the overwhelming realities of a management job where I am the captain of the ship.... Whew. Focus. I think this few days will allow me the time to filter and refocus and get that perspective the day to day is just not allowing me.

I feel a bit sad as it is our last week of regular summer programming so I lose the daily contact with my University student summer staff. They are such a wonderful crew, it will feel decidedly lonely with no kids running around and no staff to distract and make me laugh. The summer flew by. Incredible. Time flies when you are having fun! And DAMN I am having fun.

It feels like fall is sneaking up. Cooler mornings and the Black Walnut trees seem determined to cover my car with leaves! As I look back over the summer I smile. Not unlike this year, wow, has this summer ever been one filled with incredible life lessons. Sadly, a couple really important people have fallen out of my life but perhaps that is for the better. A few new people have entered and brought a wonderful new realm of possibilities to me. It is life, it has its ups and downs but no matter what.... it is good.

Clarity

Sometimes you need it and want it. Other times you "got it" and sometimes, it feels like something you just never will have. I am always reminded of a saying my best friend since Grade Two says... "life is like juggling. Keeping two balls up in the air is one thing, but add a third or fourth to the mix and something is always hitting the ground". Ahhh. Wise woman. I think this goes well with clarity. You may have clarity on one or two fronts but never on all. Hell, that would make life downright easy would it not? As I laugh heartily at the thought...

Clarity I am finding in my personal emotional space. After turmoil and struggle and feeling alone in a relationship, I finally have CLARITY as to why. What it was that I had to learn. What it is that I need in the next relationship. What I find funny is how nonchalant I feel about marriage ever again. That I feel like maybe, maybe not - as to going down that road. That when I read all these dating articles about women wanting "committment and to have that security" that I feel like saying 'not this cat'! Do I want someone in my life? Absolutely. Do I want to date and date and date incessently? God no. Exhausting. Too much crap out there to wade through! I would however like that someone to craft an alternative relationship with.

So, just what does this alternative relationship look like? Ah, the clarity of what I need comes into play here! My plan would be to have one person with whom I am connected. We spend time together as life allows, but have our separate space too. We act as each other's professional and personal sounding boards and provide encouragement for the other to reach higher. On the other hand, also the soft space to fall if one should need it. Each brings their whole, not a part! I don't want to be a singular unit but instead a stellar kick ass team. I'd want modified monogamy... in that we would be monogamous but should the need to step outside that arise it is openly discussed and if okay, that space is granted. Ahhh... you see how un-marriage like it is? Is it a mind f**ck for you or do you get it? It is all about clarity in where I myself am at. It wouldnt work for everyone. But damn, it'd work for me. The space where each person is their own -- yet space for each other put there too. Separate yet equal. Space and time to want to be with the other person again. Enough space to not take them for granted.

Clarity. Mind space. Perspective. Rumination with results.

S'all good, baby. S'all good.

Thank you.....

.... to all the wonderful people who emailed me, sent me cards and wrote on my Facebook Wall to say happy birthday! So many people. People I never expected to take the time to say hello! What a wonderful feeling it gave me! Simple pleasures. Truly. I had an amazing evening out, taken out for a fantastic dinner -- wined and dined so to speak. Great conversation, great food, great company. It is then that you realize how good things can be. If only for that moment. Or longer if possible. No guarantee or expectations.

Then there are those who I didnt hear from, and though disappointed I sorta expected it. The "sorta disappointed" I think arises from discovering the truth you had hoped was not, in fact is! If you follow! But, when the wonderful outweighs the not so great many times over, you know you are good. Laughter here!

As I approach life on my own terms I am working to remember I have lots to offer others, that each of has a place and people will come in as they always have... to enrich our life.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Another year upon me. Another year older and wiser (I hope). If I sit back and ponder on the past year it has been pretty monumental....

Career change, job change, house sold and bought and moved again.
Love found, love lost, love ended.
Focus found. Heart opened. Opportunity about everywhere!
Job of my dreams.
New people.
Wow.

Happy birthday to me... I think I need a new pair of shoes...

Being Seen

I am beginning to understand the desire people have to be "seen". It is this desire I think that is fueling my desire to find some sort of relationship now that my marriage is officially done, though the intimacy and connection has been gone for some time. My desire for being seen, for allowing someone to see me in my rawness and complete authenticity is very strong after being so disconnected (which makes me sad) for such a long time in my own marriage. How much I want to feel that connection.

I last felt that intense connection with someone I was in a relationship with when I was in University. Despite it not working out, I always felt like A really knew me. And I him. Many thought of us as a team, a dynamic duo! Driving in his car, listening to U2 and going wherever was a joy. We were able to revel in the moment. To some degree I recognize age and my youth had something to do with the ability to connect like this. While it was not destined to work out, I am so incredibly grateful for what he gave to me. Teaching me that there ARE people out there who will understand and appreciate you. See you for your inner and outer beauty. Eyes open wide and arms wrapping around you.

As I approach the idea of dating, it is sort of terrifying. What has not changed since dating in my 20's is the superficiality of people. You would THINK as people age and grow that they would recognize it is not so much what you want, but the things that are dealbreakers! No one can live up to a wish list, a supermodel's looks, or movies/novels. Life is complicated.

As I stand facing many possibilities of rejection, I must remind myself that I have had a good marriage behind me. Relationships with wonderful loving people who gave to me of themselves and helped me to grow. There will be others. I am not a half-asser in life. I don't want run of the mill. Chances are, if they pass me by I probably wouldnt have wanted them anyway. It is them missing out on me. I need to reaffirm that I am unique and deserving of good things. And they will come. No rush.

Think I will continue to pull back and just take time. Do work, my friends, my children and develop and grow my photography and art. If the universe could bring me to this point of great happiness in my life, it too will bring the right people in as I work towards authenticity and growth.

I still need a hug though!

Open up your heart and laugh!

Just open up to the possibilities, opportunities, people, lessons.... and when you need to let go or even appreciate the moment....LAUGH!

This week has given me plenty of challenges from one of my kids struggling with life transitions, to server/hard drive crash (and subsequently not having any files being recoverable!), to physical things, to feeling a little emotionally vulnerable. But, on the flip side I have laughed so hard! I have felt so joyful this week. So appreciative of life and the opportunities presenting themselves! Here I am, in a new position with the chance to use my teaching, volunteer management and passion for agriculture! WOW! On top of that, the facility has animals that I get to enjoy daily. Since my arrival we have grown by 5, adding a baby miniature donkey and last night 4 sheep! Coaxing the sheep off the back of cube van last night was a laugh in itself. Poor befuddled and very wooley sheep!

My birthday is next week, and I have now blogged for over a year. Wow. I am amazed how it has flown and how today, right now, I am in a radically different place than 12 months ago! Last year at my birthday I gave myself the waterlily tattoo... and it has been a centering force almost! It went on as a symbol of what was, and the blossoming that was occurring. That was the beginning. I feel as though who I am has grown and strengthened, my focus grown clearer and I have drawn in the most amazing people!

What a year. If I end up doing nothing but sitting back with a glass of wine on my own for my birthday, that will be okay because man.... what a year. What a laugh!

Endings.... Beginnings.... Older, perhaps wiser.

To begin is to step forward with a spring and a dream in your mind.
To finality and break of an end makes me sad.
I think of leaving somewhere special, saying goodbye to someone special, of letting go when perhaps you are not ready.

I love beginnings. Endings not so much. Yet, to begin something there has to be an ending. My visual image of his is a circle. A curve which clasps at itself. Bittersweet.

Endings have value in that they force us to take stock of what was and pause to think on what will be. If we so choose. So, I pause. Thank you to the last decade for the lessons it brought, the joys, the gifts, my children. My ending is not that any of this is going away or being shut in a dark closet, but that I have to let go of the security of what was to find the uncertainty of what will be.

“Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” RUMI

Lesson number 217 from a Blog I read regularly....

Start afresh. Whew. Now there is a thought. It sounds so damn appealing and I thought "yeah yeah yeah" but when I slowed it occurred to me. Could you erase ALL the emails in you account and start fresh? Would you get rid of all the piled up stuff sitting on the desk and say "hey, its been there X number of days and I have not used it so far..." or can you just close the door on a relationship and say "fini"?

Surely everyone will differ in their answer but most of us would say no. Me too. But, her blog came at an interesting turning point where to some degree I am starting fresh. Today. What will I choose? Where will I go? Who will I be? Thank heavens most of these things are predetermined to some degree by life circumstances. To have to REALLY start fresh would be pretty terrifying. No family, friends, history etc. Amazing how we rely on our history. Others knowledge of us and the stories we have created and choose to uphold. Some relationships are nothing but that story we pretend is real even though if we chose to be honest with ourselves, the reality is as insubstantial as mist when compared with the story we have chosen to adhere to.

Many people right now are confused with what is going on with my choices in life. But others who know me deeply and with clarity (not the mist of story) understand. It is scary and good at the same time. Relief, regret, anxiety, happiness, respect, appreciation are all feelings that come to the tip of my tongue quickly at this moment in my life. I am not starting afresh 100%, but enough to feel the thrill and apprehension.

At the edge of the ocean.... I throw myself into the water.....

Good I swim well!

Metamorphosis: Instant Chemistry

Beautiful and strikes me for many reasons... You? Click on title, read and see the beautiful picture.


Metamorphosis: Instant Chemistry

All you need is love

Or so they say.

I went to a wedding and despite my usual lack of enjoyment of weddings I found myself deeply touched by this one. The ceremony was so much a celebration and embracing of these two people. Both them embracing a new path together, but also them gathering all us around them and pulling it together. The ceremony reflected them. Their vows were beautiful. I thought to myself "they get it". It seemed they understood the deep connection you need to someone as a friend, lover, companion, partner to make it work. Damn. Wish I had the same level of knowledge these two have when I decided to say yes to the marriage thing!

Instead of envious, I felt joyful at their glowing love. It inspired me somewhat. To actually entertain that I too might find someone I connect with on that deep level and be able to make a space and move forward with them. Marriage is an institution and not something I feel any pressure to enter again. I was lucky enough to be married to a great friend, and to have two great kids. A re-do of that is not necessary or possible really. But to feel that depth of connection, that love and soulful connect in your life would be beautiful.

As I work to be the best person I can be, authentic, honest, and to let some of my walls down.... perhaps I too will be able to find that love. Perhaps. Just knowing it is out there and possible however, is enough for now.

Time to process

Sometimes I think I've lost my mind
I thought I left my past behind
I live my life and all I know is
Follow your dream and don't let go

No one can live for me
No one can see the things I see
I walk this road
No one can tell me how to be
It's my destiny

There is no right, there is no wrong
There is no place where I belong
I've done my time
I've held it strong and
My life is all about this song

No one can live for me
No one can see the things I see
I walk this road
No one can tell me how to be
It's my destiny

If I threw them all away
Would it change?
No
I would live my life again, rearranged
There's a magic in my heart
That I feel
~Lenny Kravitz~

I am working to process things the way I always do. Take it, weigh it, find the lesson, process, move forward. Sigh. I thought I had a few key things figured out. And I do! But others are just too unpredictable. Blame it on the heart.

Where I am is here. Like Lenny said, no one can tell me how to be and it is my dream which I have to live. To live someone else's life path no matter how successful you are at that is a failure as it will never be true to your soul. It will never feel right.

A corner turned

My path is one that seems curvy and twisted. Never quite sure where it will go. Yet, when I reach a fork in the road I am able to be decisive and make choices. They sometimes take a while, but I tend to be rational and weigh things out. Eventually doing what I feel in my gut. Recently I made one of those tough turns. It was such a hard choice to leave a marriage when I was still good friends with this person. I admit to questioning my own sanity! However, I knew it was right. Over time as we sorted things out, I recognized and appreciated more and more the person to whom I had been married to for over a decade. What a good person, great parent, decent person he is, was and continues to be. We are not the norm of people separating, I know this. What feels so good in this whole process is that as I explain to lawyers or accountants that we ARE not out to screw each other, WE TALK each day, and we RESPECT each other that we are so lucky. But also, we chose to be this way. I see that I am at a corner now where I can turn away from the marriage part, but feel good knowing the path I am taking also has him as a friend. While the state of marriage has changed, we have changed, our values remain similar and what we want as parents for our kids is still the same. I feel so positive that while something is ending, the possibility of something positive still being there.

Whatever the Weather

Its better together.... the weather that is. At the baseball tournament for my kids on Saturday we were dumped on. Torrential rain. More rain than I have seen or felt in such a long time. The feeling of being totally wet, shoes sloppy, and recognizing more wet isnt really an issue... is a good thing. The hoots and tee hee's as little kids ran for the grandstands. The leaping and re-routing around parking lot rivers is always fun when you have a giggling child beside you. Yet one more reason to appreciate having your kids around. They ground you, keep you in the moment, and allow you to laugh at the moment at hand.

Sunday came with mid-night storms and a lovely coolness in the morning. As the day went on the sun shone and I felt great. Ideas bursting from my head, begging to be paid attention to. At work, at play, everywhere. Whatever the weather, there is joy to be found. Happiness in the moment. People around you who bring new insight and possibilities.

Uncertain is life. Transition is constant or we would be stagnant. Can I predict tomorrow or the next? Not likely, and since I have made hard choices I feel like I am being true and that ahead of me is nothing I cannot handle. That is a good feeling.

Sides to a story... yours, mine and the truth!

I had to smile when I can across the sentence I used as the title for my post. How true! No story or experience is black and white. It is similar to how people can give eye witness accounts of an event and they can all vary radically! So it all comes to the question I puzzled on last night.... yes, there is more than one side to a story but how legitimate or important are the other sides anyway?? Once an experience has happened, hearing another side of what occurred cannot change how you felt that situation. To my mind, it does hold value as it can lessen or intensify the importance of that experience. It can shed additional light, or add new knowledge yet what is done cannot be undone. And in the end, it is the individual who gets to decide how they choose to absorb or ignore it.

I've been reading Marc Gafni's book "Soul Prints" and have found it so useful in this past year. His perspective on the importance of our unique soul print and how hurt occurs when we reach out with soul and are not recieved touched me. I thought on when perhaps I have tried to fit others into my concept of them instead of discovering how they themselves concieved of their unique self. I pondered over this and the situations I had passed an opportunity by, or I had been passed by. In the end, as he says..."It may be true that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line but that is only in geometry. In the complex calculus of life we create complex equations that yeild unpredictable results. The only legitimate fear in life should be that you are living the wrong story. To succeed in a story not your own is failure".

Those wise words have resonated within me. Each step I take is towards something. It may mean nothing to others yet in the end, that matters little as it is my path and my life story I am constructing. I don't want to create for anyone, only share. Be that ear, the mirror reflecting back the good in others they don't see, be the encouragement. Positive. Connector. Being no one else but the authentic and flawed me is beautiful. I finally feel like life is a custom made garment. I don't want to wear anyone elses clothes anymore, mine feel too good. I see the flaws, the imperfections and I strive to make them beautiful rather than hide them. My side of the story is a deep and winding story. Some day I hope to find someone I can truly share it in open honesty. In the mean time, I carry myself forward with an optimism for all that is yet to come.

Lessons... Not hurts so much.

Well all, or all of you who read this and say oh oh, she hurts! I am not so much hurting as I am learning and struggling to find where I stand in my 'new' old life.

I spent lots of time with myself on Sunday. Had a fantastic nights sleep and you know what? Maybe not getting enough good sleeps is part of the problem!!! I am like a little kid!

So what conclusions have I come to?
1. I am strong and have my head on pretty tight. This does not preclude me from being naive now and again however!
2. I have made the right decisions and given ample thought to them.
3. Even when decisions are right, you still question the what if's.
4. Self Esteem can be strong in some areas and fragile in others
5. Life is not predictable or even controllable at times, but it is good.

Being at peace and being who you are, that is, being yourself, are one. ~Eckhart Tolle

Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek & find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it ~Rumi

I believe the two quotes above speak strongly to me and my need to focus on being alone and working on my inner self so that I am able to embrace intimacy of the heart when it comes my way and be able to accept all that I am and is around me.

Transitions

Transitions and change ain't easy. Usually I am eager for change. Then it sets in and the tough transitions start. I feel caught in nowhere land as I separate from the life I know and forge forward into a new space. It is so hard. I don't have regrets really, and I feel great about the choices I have made. That said, there are parts of the situation that make me sad. Like disapointing others. Hurting others at their heart level. Or just plain not being who they thought I was. Sigh. My own Pandora's box is wide open. I have seen the contents and I have hope and faith it will all work out. It will. But, I am stumbling and getting bruised and cut on the way there!

I am feeling a bit used today. Used by someone that I mis-read. Allowed myself to believe that what they said was true. Only to have them go squirrelly on the other side. I thought a lot on it last night and realized it was disappointment in myself to some degree. To be used, you have to put yourself out there. I put myself out there and was genuine in intent. I wanted friendship. The irony is the other person confessed others had told her they felt used by her. At that time I thought "huh" to myself. Now I get it. I allowed myself to believe that what she said was true. I now feel used and wonder if it was all just a game. See who we can lure in and get what we want.

Never thought I was this gullible. Guess it is a learning experience. While I may be what I am, and say who I am, and be totally upfront... most who make that claim are not. They say it hoping that it may be true. I guess I feel shamed that I was fooled, my self-esteem deflated somewhat (which is dumb) and sad because I really thought this person was pretty cool and that there were some great opportunities for shared experiences.

So in the midst of my transition I think I will retreat and put on a bit of armour. I think I underestimated my own vulnerability in a place I thought I wasn't. Chalk one up on the list of learning! Just writing this feels better, and I know as the days pass I will look back with more clarity.

Ah HAH! I knew there had to be a reason!

And who knows, I may even be engaging in a confirmation bias by feeling releived that there is a scientific explanation for the puzzling over people I have been doing!

So, confirmation bias eh? What is it? Quite simple actually. It is our own tendency to look for, put too much weight on, and recall preferentially information which supports our pre-existing or initial hypothesis.

WHAT you say?? How does this apply to your thinking on people? Quite simply, we see what we want to see and ignore for a long time that which we don't. We create an ideal person or mate or friend where perhaps the less than ideal traits in reality outweigh the fabulous. Now you get it.

Yup, I know I am guilty of this. My highly empathetic nature and willingness to looking deeply at a person to assess them is a great thing, at times. It allows me to see and appreciate even those people who are awful on the outside. It is also a drawback as it can make me overly sensitive. I am guilty though of acting on those initial "vibes" and feelings I get. From someone's energy and person. All of a sudden I began to see how just maybe, I had done this in a couple of significant relationships in the last while.

As we evolve and become more self aware we understand our needs and wants better. That said, we still fall prey to this confirmation bias. We meet that person who demonstrates an ability to fufill the need currently on our mind. At that moment we decide ahhhh... this clicks. Time goes by and we ignore the differences until they get prickly. As we pull away we are able to be more objective. And here is where that saying "hindsight is 20/20". With hindsight, we are able to examine our recollections and recognize their selectivity. Ahh.

So here is the question? How the heck do I avoid this with people so as not to get hurt? Not sure you can. But recognizing it, appreciating it and seeing it around me makes me more aware of my own limitations which maybe, might be protection in itself.

For more info : Science Daily

Into the Unknown : Have Courage

What a wonderful post I read today on a blog I follow. It was the reading that sparked a moment of realization for me. The discomfort I felt last night was due to the unknown. The unknown heart and mind of another. The unknown intent of those around us. The unknown route of the path that I am on.

It is when you begin to feel stable that life seems to send you a wobble! When perhaps, you are confronted with reconciling the person you think you are with the person circumstances reflect back to you. It is the challenge to validate the emotions we have swirling and roiling at times in our bellies. Challenge as by validating them we are accepting they exist even if they are less than flattering. Anger, jealously, envy, fear, animosity. And funny enough, we are so hard on ourselves for having these feelings but if you voiced it to a friend they would probably understand. Nod their head, and if they were wise say something about determining whether it is a valid emotion or a roadblock you have created for yourself.

I know I create my own roadblocks and pitfalls. Yet when I work/act from my heart (my lily.... smile) beautiful souls come in. People who shine. A few such people have come my way like this lately. The impulse to reach out is strong. All I am doing is soul-ful in that I am acting with the inner me and less the socialized rational me. And it feels so good.

So. Into the unknown I tread. I have no roadmap or guide. No guide beyond my own heart, soul and experiences. All I have to lose is perhaps a piece of my heart here and there, but in that pain comes beauty and I think.... I think I am willing to risk it after being closed for so long.

My thought for today from Bill Ferguson ... As your walls of protection come down, you create love.
We put up our walls of protection to avoid hurt, but the hurt we are avoiding isn't outside ourselves, it's inside. So instead of keeping the hurt out, our walls of protection keep the hurt in. Instead of protecting us, our walls push away love, create opposition, and bring us more hurt.

The most powerful protection doesn't come from your walls, It comes from your love. When you open your heart and express love, you melt opposition.

Now look in the face of someone who is open with little or no walls of protection. What do you see? This type of person is happy and alive. This person has freedom, inner peace and a joy for living.

When You Open Yourself Up....

The most amazing things come your way. The most incredible people come your way. The experiences you were afraid to admit you wanted present themselves as opportunities.

I am exhausted today... bone weary. New job, sick kids, not enough quality sleep and stress is catching up with me. And yet, here is the kicker. I am happy. I feel such gratitude for the open doors around me and the people who have walked through them lately. For the generosity they have shown me. Strangely enough, the cracking open of a guarded part of me I had not known I had guarded. It scares me to open that up, but if I am to fully experience it is part of the deal! Don't get without giving right?

Today I want to say thank you to the "universe"...

Thank you for the people you send my way
Thank you for the kindness they bring
Thank you for the strength I feel deep within
Thank you for opening opportunities up to me
Thank you for the chances I keep getting which reaffirm that my path is the right one for me, no matter how difficult

Namaste
"I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Integrity, of Wisdom and of Peace. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One."
Ram Dass

Back to thinking on Beauty

I walked under my garden arbour covered on one side by a lovely clematis and then stopped. The blossoms were so plentiful. The purple so intense and lush. Stamens delicate and curled. Beautiful.

Then there is the beauty of a sleeping child. Curled amongst pillows and sheets with their hair curled against their cheeks, dark lashes, one hand flung outward and completely relaxed. Or the beauty of a moment -- when caught in traffic my son said cheekily, "Its a peanut-butter-jam of cars!". Ahh. Clever. Playing with words.

Or the beauty you feel inside when you know some things are just right. Just so. Falling into place and you are connected in a way you only dreamed of. Not everything can feel this way... can't have it all! BUT, some compartments of your life can feel just right and beautiful. Making the other parts more bearable.

The first lines of "A Thing of Beauty" by John Keats:

A thing of beauty is a joy for ever:
Its lovliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness; but still will keep

Baby Shoes

"You can't fit back into your baby shoes. That's why you feel so uncomfortable, because they restrict, and don't fit you anymore". This was the advice given to me by a counsellor when I explained strains in family relationships. The root of the lesson was when we fall into old patterns though comfortable initially, they in the end will not and cannot fit where we now are.

What good advice it was. I know that I often am tempted to turn to the familiar and known path when faced with a choice of directions. And yet, I know that the best adventures and people are found when you choose the unknown. I am right now choosing the unknown in my personal life and its really quite terrifying and yet also freeing. It would be so much easier to do what others want or expect of me and ignore that voice telling me to step off the path. In my personal life I am now realizing that I am not giving up, but instead being brave enough to go for what I want and try to build a new structure for how I relate with loved ones.

"You're not a good faker" I have been told. True True. I'm not. When I am excited and enthusiastic I shine with it. When sad or struggling, I retreat inside puzzling things out. Whatever it is, I am. I have given up trying to be anyone but me and in that trying to be "me" I have made a number of major errors. I carry the weight of regret in my heart, though those hurt probably will never know. Perhaps with time the regret will feel more like a lesson and I will be able to nod "ah hah" instead of just saying I have learned and feeling vaguely shamed.

What it comes down to is I want to own both my past, present and future and know that I did what I needed to do. I didnt live for someone else. That I was brave (and maybe foolish) enough to go for what I want. So that as an old lady in the rocker on the porch, I can look back and see the joys, lessons, relationships and know I TRIED.

What kind of message are we sending?

So I heard on the news this week that the highschool of Burton Cummings gave him a ceremony and presented him with his highschool diploma. What are we saying here? Drop out and get famous.... you get the piece of paper. Screw the hard work. He did say "Dropping out isnt for everyone. For every one person who drops out and gets famous there are 5 or 6 thousand who fail." Thanks Burton. Words of wisdom. Can you be my valedictorian?? Yay to the highschool for glorifying someone for their LACK of sticking to it at highschool. I hate honorary degrees. Come on. WORK FOR IT! Stick at it.

Then again. Who am I kidding. As if any kid in highschool even has a clue who Burton Cummings is!

Great Quotes

Nothing is really that revolutionary or new. Someone else has probably already said it, done it or thought it far better than you. Age has taught me, don't bother re-inventing the wheel unless the re-invention is really really fun. I am one of those people who likes quotes and the thoughts that simple words strung together can provoke. Here are a few that struck me today....

“If I never met you, I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do, and I will.”

The manager accepts the status quo; the leader challenges it.

- Warren Bennis


Most people can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which their lives changed significantly. Whether by accident or design, these are the moments when, because of a readiness within us and a collaboration with events occurring around us, we are forced to seriously reappraise ourselves and the conditions under which we live and to make certain choices that will affect the rest of our lives.

- Frederick F. Flack


Few is the number who think with their own minds and feel with their own hearts.

- Albert Einstein

It is these quotes that spoke to me today. Their words making me smile, or sigh, or nod. I see myself in these words. What words speak for you?

Welcome to the Rest of your Life!

I feel like there should be someone saying Welcome! This is the rest of your life! Step over the threshold and move forward... Do I dare believe it is true? It is. Here I am. At a desk, a physical space proof of a new position. One that takes each of my past experiences to have gotten me here, where I now sit.

It seems surreal to reach a goal you have set to achieve. Mine was to reach a certain position and here I am. The best part is that goal is not an end, but instead is a beginning. It is the opening of possibilities.... a whole world of learning through hands on doing!

This morning I walked the grounds of the facility I now "run" or "head up" and felt like my feet were firmly connected to the soil. As I read up on the founder I feel a great affinity with her, admiration for her accomplishments and drive to better the lives of those around not just around her, but around the world. A hugely successful woman when women did not do what she did. And yet, a woman descended from an original settler of this very area. Such inspiration!

So... here I am. I tell myself welcome! This is your life. Make it good. With this job I feel no need to justify that "if I do this job it will lead me here or there". Instead I feel like I can just be in and of the moment. Planning for today and building a future within this organization. Hands on. Up to my elbows.

Delicious.

Challenges of Intimacy

If you thought my ponderings on intimacy were going to be sexual... think on! Sure, it goes there eventually but I am not going there this time! LOL!

What is it? As said by the almighty Wickipedia it is a relationship that is characterized by "enduring behavioral interdependence, repeated interactions, emotional attachment, and need fulfillment". It is that something intense, truly connected where you can be wholly yourself.

Simple right? I started thinking about this and wondered what is it that makes intimacy so damn hard? For me... it rests largely on the concept of 'enduring behavioural interdependance'. I don't do this well. Independent to the core, I hesitate to ask for help though I will be the first to offer it to others. As someone who has long felt let down and dissapointed by people I supposedly shared an intimate emotional relationship with, I struggle. The visual that suits me is a little girl trapped inside an adult body. I have the smarts and skills and analytical ability of an adult, yet, that little girl reaches as squashes the well thought out processes of that adult from time to time. It is that little girl who refuses to give up her independance because hey! You do that and you are just asking to get screwed right?? For me this becomes embodied in me being overly capable. Capable of being good Mummy, outwardly good wife, good community citizen, good human being... for the most part. The adult accepts that I do the best I can in each of my roles, the child inside says I am bad and suck. Honesty of children perhaps.

So. Where does that leave me? Today it finds me looking to turn a corner and work on letting intimacy happen. If I can let others in in that way, perhaps things I am missing will come to me. If I can think I am capable of unmasking and letting myself be worthy of love and intimacy maybe it will be so...

The thoughts you think becomes your words
The words you say become your actions
The actions you take become your character
The character you present becomes your future.

I feel strongly that the positive thoughts about my professional abilities allowed my words and actions to create my professional self that my new employer has taken on and allowed me the pleasure to shape my future.

My wish, my dream, my hope? That I can work on the personal intimacy I struggle with. Make it possible so that I can have good relationships with whoever my partner is. Perhaps it is my recognizing my own deficiency that has made me think I am just not meant to be married. But perhaps this is a self defeating thought, and by stopping this thought I am stopping the future being unmarried. If I think positive and I still have unfavourable outcome, at least I will know it is not due to road blocks I created.

Manifesting Happiness

Know that there is nothing to prove & that the approval of no person except yourself can ultimately free you.

I would like to think that my success in reaching a goal I set for myself professionally is a result of both my hard work and my ability to find security and happiness within myself. In talking with a friend struggling with career decisions I could fully appreciate her position. Yet, I was amazed at how much baggage she carried with her with regards to leaving a past job. She could not be kind to herself and recognize that even though she misses that job, it was a good decision at that time. It was one made for herself. It is like she is chastising herself still and in doing so she is is paralyzing herself with doubts, fears and worry. I tried really hard to make her see the incredible person I see from the outside. That her fears are only in her own mind and that they are limiting. It is so powerful to take those limiting fears and eliminate them by finding answers or ways around them. Then, when faced with what you want you must decide do I really want it? Did I construct those road blocks for a reason?

In some ways I am recognizing that the work I have done over the past year (and more to be truthful) to be authentic has forced me to shed those limiting thoughts. That no one else can validate me. No one else can MAKE me happy. No one else can improve my life but me. It is my responsibility. What a scary reality that is eh? So much easier to blame our past for our insecurities, others for our feelings of alienation, our families or spouses for not being happy. It is all BULLS**T! To really look inside ourselves and be honest is terrifying. But also strengthening. If no one can tell you something you do not know and accept about yourself... when critisized you are stung, but you have the perspective to decide whether it is accurate or just them projecting their own insecurities.

As I pursue this growth of person I am amazed by the number of people willing to go through life in an un-authentic way. Those people just wander on willy nilly not ever looking deeper. I myself am so far from full acceptance. I struggle with insecurities and the urge to look outside for validation. Freeing myself from my own self limiting behaviours is something I strive for each day. Is ignorance bliss? Sometimes. Perhaps. Yet, when we think about people we admire who seem truly happy (Dalai Lama anyone??) it is this very self acceptance they have achieved. It does not mean they are perfect or have never made mistakes. It means they have the ability to accept the lessons, the mistakes and learn from them. Move forward. And to act in a way that is true to themselves and in gentleness.

Waiting....

And so I continue to wait. Wait and see if either of the jobs in front of me are truly mine or not. Waiting to see how I will go forward with my career and life. Waiting for things to unfold. Waiting.... ugh. I never was very patient.

If there is power in positive thinking and believing in yourself.... I am working on that. I felt so negative and discouraged on Friday. Brought to my knees, crying in the dark to myself. Feeling shaken, and reduced to not knowing where to turn. Saturday morning I felt the same, yet as the day progressed and conversations with others unfolded a new awareness came to me. What will be will be. I cannot control others, only myself. I can only be me, and even when I put on a good "show" for an interview etc... I am only me in the end. Me, with all my imperfections and flaws. The things I see so readily in myself and am always trying to improve upon. With a push from S and D, people who always remind me of my positives - I decided to change my energy. I am going to believe that the job is mine. I AM THE RIGHT ONE!!! I know this from my depths. I should be proud that I have been selected as one of two remaining candidates. So, now I focus on creating the same positive energies that S and D are sending out there....... that this job is mine. My time is now. Doors are opening.

It is the number of times I have been in this same spot of it being me or someone else that makes me negative. A somewhat unnatural state for me. I have been screwed, passed over and generally missed out every time in the past it seems. Always when I really care. Sure, I grew from those situations but nonetheless it makes it so hard to believe in oneself. BUT! I will try. I am trying. Be strong, focused and positive. I am working hard to open career possibilities and have to believe the universe will open itself to me.

Tell me what you want.....

whatcha really really want.... are you singing along yet? Go Spice Girls Go! Laughing now?

I have the "really really want" taste in my mouth. I have seen a glimpse of my possible future. In a job. Oh yes. As one of those nutbars who needs to have a job that MEANS something and expresses themselves through it, this job is ideal. I saw the posting and honestly thought THIS JOB WAS MADE FOR ME!! It pulls my teaching, my work with the Dairy Farmers, with 4-H, my work on Boards and now my Volunteer Management Certificate into one lovely package. They NEED me. I can do this. The potential is so huge I almost salivate.

Some would be daunted and terrified at the sheer volume of possibilities. Not this cat! I itch to sit down and brain storm with the staff. To pick and poke their brains. Then to map out those possibilities and see what holds true potential. To create, rebuild, rejeuvenate and make this facility the jewel it really is. To have so much opportunity for positive creative impact makes me feel like a starving person who has laid eyes on a feast. One that would sustain for years and years.

Today in interview number two, I felt good vibes. Like the HR person was gunning on my behalf and like the Chairman wanted to offer it to me there. When I left and saw the next candidate in a suit I almost laughed. A suit? To tour the property of a working farm? Will he pet the goats? Feed the pigs or explore the straw area?? Ah. Now to find the patience to wait until word on Friday.

Let it be me
(this is not a fighting song)
Let it be me
(not a wrong for a wrong)
Let it be me
If the world is night
Shine my life like a light
-Indigo Girls-

Let it shine let it shine let it shine.....

The sun, your inner light.... whatever!

I realized I am really living my own authentic dream. In a conversation yesterday I was asked "what job would you do if you could do anything?" The amazing part was that without thinking I immediately answered "what I am doing right now". Wow. Who knew! Funny how those gut motivated responses are so telling!

My dream job is so close. I am approaching job interview number two this week. From all the applications they got, I made it to first cut. Then to the finals.... Oh how I want this job. When I saw it I thought that this position encompassed all the jobs and experiences and connections I have made over the last decade. Reading this job ad I thought "this is MY job" but was hesitant to apply due to the title and how much managerial experience they had requested. Yet, encouraged by my professor I applied. And here I am. Approaching the challenge of getting a job which would be a goal I had set for myself.... a few years early at that!

It is a good scary feeling to be here. To possibly get what I want, but also to GET it! All the responsibility that goes with... oh my. So, I will wait and see how Tuesday goes. Who knows? I don't! What I do know is that my authentic self is expressing itself every day and shattering the surface of what was. I am evolving into the new me. It is not painless nor easy, but it makes me feel positive about the future in a way I have never ever been.

Opening of the doors

Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls. ~Joseph Campbell

I wonder if perhaps this is what I feel happening now. I will not say my bliss is here, but I am getting there. Choosing to do a job that feels right, challenges me. Asking for more than just the status quo. Believing in possibility and trying to perhaps see the potential in myself the way I always do in others. It isnt easy, funny eh? Easier to see the potential and beauty in others instead of yourself...

But here I am. At a point where the doors are opening... how exciting yet so scary. A wrong step? Or perhaps a step in any direction is just a beginning. A possibility. Challenge. New set of opportunities for growth and learning.

So here I am. My head full of thoughts on the two jobs that I am looking towards. Which will it be? Both? Neither? What will come?

Who knows! What I am sure is that so many doors are opening in me, in my life, in my heart and soul.

Ways to Say Goodbye...

There are so many ways to say goodbye, and reasons for saying it. There is the goodbye when your leaving is temporary and return is already arranged, the goodbye when your presence will be gone for some time, the goodbye to situations, the goodbye to what has passed and what is done... So many reasons, so many ways to use a word and so many ways to say it...

Annyeonghi Kyeseyo(if the person you're talking to isn't leaving) - Korean
Doviđenja - Croatian (litteraly means "Until we see again")
Namaste (same as hello) - Hindi
Sayonara / さよなら (if you will not see them for a long time) - Japanese
Tschau - German
Adios - Spanish

One common thread is that so many of the goodbye's across the languages have no sense of permanence. That the goodbye is forever. Adios/a demain/Bis Spater- til tomorrow! Hardly the goodbye of "never will I see you or this place again". Personally, hate goodbyes. Unless it is death I don't really believe that it IS forever. Even death, we are saying goodbye to what we have now to welcome a new stage in... one of holding that person deeper in us though not to have them on the physical plain.

I admit to avoiding goodbyes. Hate them. Even with bad situations, I try to take what I can from it -- the lessons if you will-- and close it. But is it ever goodbye as in permanent? Making it go away? NO! You have been touched and altered. So this thought on goodbye has lead me to the thinking on when is it time to say goodbye and let go to situations, jobs and people? To let go of what we have in the "now" and give it the freedom to settle and perhaps morph as the universe will have it, into something else? Be it as it will? I truly do not know. I wish I did sometimes! It is that conflict of head and heart. The wanting to hang on with your heart when your head says let go. Or holding on to the job (good example for me) because the sensible brain says it is smart.... when you heart has already jumped forward and moved on!

The quote "It takes great courage to grow up and become who you are" by ee cummings speaks to this. Being wise enough to listen more clearly to our hearts and our heads and balance them. To recognize that all the answers we have lie within us, and sometimes we must say goodbye to the now or the comfortable to move forward and be honest with who we are. Damn, I admit to this being hard! But, I feel closer to honesty and who I really am than ever before. I am better at recognizing when my head is being silly and trying to be safe in the moment, not who I really am (holding on to the security of that job!). Seems that listening to our heart is often what we do least of. We don't listen to it and are not honest to its need to say goodbye to certain things and step forward. We overthink, over-worry, place others expectations and needs ahead.

Opening ourselves to goodbye means opening ourselves to turning corners, taking paths unknown, and allowing the power of 'what will be' into our life. Scares the crap out of me. How about you? A demain... til tomorrow my friend.

Wise Words about Money

Lesson 133: The Pursuit of Money (See Lessons from the Monk I Married link to the right)

The author of this blog says in this article "Everything in the world is energy. If you are waiting around to get the money you need to do what you want, you may be waiting forever. Do what makes you happy RIGHT NOW. If you are doing what makes you truly happy, chances are it will make others happy, too. Instead of running down the money-dead-end-street, you enter the pool of infinite exchange."

I could not agree more. When I started out as a teacher I felt this exchange of energy. The connection with those I helped to learn. I felt daily the sense of challenge, love of the exchange between learner and teacher, and the importance of my small impacts. As time passed, this dissapeared. It was replaced with the weight of finding that permanent position, the steady paycheck, benefits. That was when it all went in the crapper. I often blame the changes in the system, but you know what? This article made me rethink that. The system changes were only part of the bigger picture.

From there I pursued a passion of mine that resurfaced after over a decade of dormancy. The desire to make societal impact via non-profit work. As a job. This meant giving up the possibility of steady paycheck, pursuing that pension etc. When I finally got my foot in the door I felt as if the world opened up to me again. All this inner energy in me connected with the external. I felt passion for work, life, learning. The transition certainly was not financial! 3 days teaching would have netted me more $$ than a full week in current position. The thing is... I realize I DON'T CARE! I may like things, or security, or an image but when I stop I realize it really does NOT matter. I am just not one of those people.

This past year has connected me deeply to my inner wise woman, my crone! I feel more certain about who I am. Though there are times I feel the wavering self-esteem, I am able to recognize them and not necessarily soothe it but reason myself out of obsessing. Pursuing a useless path. I know happiness for me, lies within me. I can only hope my honesty of self, commitment to pursuing "real" will spark those around me to share the pleasure in the journey or begin their own. My ability to see the greatness in others, their harnessed potential, their inner light sometimes gives me dissapointment when people don't live up to their potential. But, I also realized very recently that one of my roles in this life is to provide the mirror for others to see this. If I think on the people I have affected by encouraging them in an artistic pursuit, to go after a specific job, to take a step towards something good for them personally... it makes me feel good. I have no ownership, no claim to fame. But I know I was a part of some small moment when a new possibility opened for them. SO for this reason, I will continue to see the best in people and ignore the potential for me to be dissapointed. I will look past their stuff, their trappings, their situation and see that deeper possibility and hold the light to it with only the wish that they too will see the wonderful person I do.

learning to fly

" At the centre of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want". Lao Tzu

Wise words. I think we all know the answers deep down within ourselves if we are willing to hear the answer. What the answer is may not be one that is popular, safe or easy. It is however, one that will reflect your inner self and your desires. It makes me think of people who I admire for various reasons. Like Mother Theresa for her kindness, humility and generosity. She knew that anything that was to happen would start with her. Imagine being her family, having someone who gave themselves completely to others. She had nothing that most consider important, and yet we revere her. Why? Not just for the good she did. But for her ability to give completely of herself, to hear her own inner answer and live it.

So... I have been thinking about what my own inner answer is. I think it all boils down to "I do". I want to connect with people, learn from people, be a part of something and DO. What I do must reflect who I am, what I am. Its just the way I am. A colleague said to my "I have come to appreciate that you have only one face. You are who you are Krista. No faking". It was a compliment of the highest kind for me.

I am me. I am imperfect, and truly believe that my strengths are also equally weak in certain situations. I am a work in progress. I am trying. I am getting there. I am me.

As often as I seek out that 'perfect job' and tune up my resume. Work hard to get somewhere that I cannot see as of yet..... someone reminded me this morning it will come. It always does. And it is true. Even if I had the perfect resume for the perfect job and the perfect interview.... the reality might be less than perfect if it was not me reflected in all of those things. So I continue onwards being the flawed me working hard to be better. A student in life. Knowing that each experience has a lesson, and as much as I try -- the only things I can control are within myself.

Today, while the blossoms still cling to the vine....

I awoke at 3:30am to my 5 yr old hollering "Mummy, can you snuggle me?". I stumbled out of bed carrying my pillow and snuggled in with her. When the REAL morning rolled around she kissed me and said "Happy Mother's Day Mummy, I love you". Ahhh. Now that is sweet. Have to smile despite not having slept that well for the last 4 hrs!

It has turned out to be a really wonderful day. My Dad actually came out and his wife too. My in-laws, and spouse's family and new little nephew came. My own brother was here, and a cousin came too. I had spent a good hour cooking wonderful muffins and an egg dish-- both which turned out fabulously well. Had a walk with the dog as they cooked. Tidied and cleaned. The world felt organized and nice. Having nice people here, good food, smiles..... all really really warm feeling. So good. Then, off to the first piano recital I have attended for my own child.

Now I sit here in the quiet house, smiling and thinking on just how much I love the people in my life. How in THIS moment, I am happy. Is all perfect? Hell no. But that is okay too! I am happy. Happy that my children are secure and loved. Happy that the sun is shining and plants are growing. Happy that I had the best Mother's day ever. Happy that I am a Mum even though there are DEFINATELY days that I think "what the hell was I thinking" when I decided to procreate!!

It has been such a good day. I can look at my own life with perspective today. Dream about possibilities, but be okay with possible realities.



I love this song. It sums up the way I feel about those I love, and the way I feel embraced by a few of my very special friends. Thank you. What a beautiful day.

Reality Bites

When it rains, it pours. Just when you think you have had enough, more comes. murphy's law. All of the above seem to apply to me, making me reel.

As if questioning my place in my own life, my purpose, my path was not enough I struggle to balance the demands of the rest of my life. It is when I slow, crap happens. And it did. I had a feeling it was developing for a few days now. Personal stuff and work stuff. Can I just avoid it all??? This is what I would LIKE to do, but I won't. I demand honesty. I need it. I need to know to bare honest truth so that I can weigh it, take the lesson from it and move on.

I am managing that with work issues. Tough when what you deliver is YOURSELF. The reality of the work I do. When complaints come in, they are complaints about YOU, and they always boil down to the essence of who you are. I have been left thinking on whether intelligence, confidence, strong personality, strength, passion are fault or fabulous. My conclusion? Every strength is equally a weakness. Like the rules of relativity. So, can I change who I am? Should I? Should I be concerned with other's reactions to my efforts? As I dig my way through the muck and pain, I think it is a 50/50 thing. Yes, I should strip the stinging criticisms away, and look to the root. How can I improve? Be more accommodating? And learn from what did not work? This allows me to take the lesson and distance the strike at me personally. Isnt it funny how one person complaining can undo all the compliments received previously? Ahhhh. I am working hard to take the good lesson, leave the chaff. It is coming.

Personal stuff, never as clear cut. What is mine? What is theirs? Where am i in this whole thing and where are they? Good is relative to the reality in which you live.... one that you have carefully constructed! I need my honesty, nothing hidden... just straight goods no matter how hurtful. Most others are better knowing the truth, though not the brutal soul crushing parts. Funny that I am willing to take the soul crushing info in order to move forward. Yes unwilling to deliver it as it would stay with me forever. Some things better left unsaid. All I want is clarity.

Why is all this so hard? Is this part of what it means to work through your issues and move towards self awareness and higher consciousness? If so, it really is a shit go. I am sending all the positivity and love that IS within me and I know in time, it will come back. I will not stop loving, trying, striving, learning no matter the harshness of reality. Though, reality really bites sometimes.