The wind is whipping snow about as I look out the window of my office. The snow is the lightest, fluffiest snow imaginable... due to the bitter cold! When I walked the dog this morning I wrapped my scarf tightly around my neck and up to my cheeks and zipped up tight! The more I walked, the more I realized how much I love weather that is extreme. I love cold, blustery snowy days. I love kicking the snow and laughing as my crazy dog rolls and bites at it. I also love the wicked summer storms that develop from the collision of heat, humidity and cooler incoming air. I love the rain that comes in the spring, then suddenly breaks with the sun shining. Leaving the air smelling of earth and growing things. I could do without the smell of worms however... It reminds me of when I lived up north and you could smell the unique fragrance of melting peat bogs.
Once again, the experience of the world around us comes down to the sensations we take in. So few seem to stop and enjoy them. I love that my daughter will comment on a bitterly cold day how much she likes the 'smell' of snow. Or the delight in both kids faces as the wind whips snow up and around them and they squeal in delight, bursting into the kitchen hollering about the 'storm' out there. Sometimes I find myself conjuring up the images and sensations of opposite seasons as I am plunged into the other. Like thinking of how nice it is to be in a forest and feel the filtered sunlight and heat during a heatwave. Or the smell of rain on hot pavement (oh how I love that smell!). On cold days I sometimes think about how amazing it feels to lay on the sand in the summer and feel the heat radiate through your body, or the waves of the lake splash against you.
Ahhh, the world is a beautiful place. Canada is a FABULOUS PLACE! As much as I hate the muck and slush of melting snow, or the grey bleakness of November... I must say I love having the diversity of seasons we do. To look forward to spring, then luxuriate in summer, to pure enjoyment of the fall, to anticipation of first snows, white christmases and snow angels. Lucky.
Find the beauty in the simple. I am just one person recording my thoughts as they come in this 'journal' space. May they make you think.... provoke something. If you want to comment, please do!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Irritation with human nature
No, my mind does not slow down. Not even when I sleep, I have crazy vivid tangled dreams. I am always thinking about this or that, flitting from one topic to another. That being said, certain topics focus me in like a laser beam, sharp and precise. One such topic is people. People who think only about the immediate.
The whole craziness about Haiti has brought my irritation with human nature to the surface yet again. Irritation that Haiti has been suffering through unimaginable poverty, political instability, uprisings, corruption for years and years. Despite it's geographic proximity to N.America, we still managed to not really "see" the problems. Then when disaster strikes people are appalled. Horrified. Upset. And so we should be. My big issue? 80,000 people would not have died, thousands would not be facing amputations, and the people would not STILL be struggling to access the foreign aid piling in if ONLY people had been more willing to HELP THEM in the last decade! If their poverty had been alleviated sooner, there would be better infrastructure and people would not live such precarious lives. There would have been more than one hospital. The rampant distrust of their government perhaps would be less and would not impede the aid pouring in.
Why must humans only act when we are on a precipice? When we are almost thrown overboard? It is like this with global warming, poverty, health crisis... we choose to ignore until something horrific occurs. And yet then we turn around and say why did this have to happen? Do you REALLY want to know why?
And then I worry that all the influx of money will help in the short term, but just like any other relief effort-- as the event fades in the news, so does the outpouring of support. Then where are they? Any further ahead than before the natural disaster? Further behind really with an even more desperate need for infrastructure and social and political stability to deal with the rebuilding. Will people still care in 5 years?
IF ONLY people realized that $5 tshirt comes at a cost. An environmental cost, a social cost, and international cost. Our relative 'richness' in N. America is dependent on someone else's poverty. Wow... i can buy this for a dollar? How much did the poor chap earn to make that crappy plastic dollar store item? Was it made in a country where there are no environmental rules, no labour safeguards? Could you tell that person you don't care about their poverty, their health, their situation and that you really NEEDED that $1 store crap more than they need a better life? Could you...
It is hard. Thinking beyond. Thinking about where stuff came from, where it will end up. But if people thought a bit more, maybe we won't keep waiting until we are on the precipice to make ethical choices.....
The whole craziness about Haiti has brought my irritation with human nature to the surface yet again. Irritation that Haiti has been suffering through unimaginable poverty, political instability, uprisings, corruption for years and years. Despite it's geographic proximity to N.America, we still managed to not really "see" the problems. Then when disaster strikes people are appalled. Horrified. Upset. And so we should be. My big issue? 80,000 people would not have died, thousands would not be facing amputations, and the people would not STILL be struggling to access the foreign aid piling in if ONLY people had been more willing to HELP THEM in the last decade! If their poverty had been alleviated sooner, there would be better infrastructure and people would not live such precarious lives. There would have been more than one hospital. The rampant distrust of their government perhaps would be less and would not impede the aid pouring in.
Why must humans only act when we are on a precipice? When we are almost thrown overboard? It is like this with global warming, poverty, health crisis... we choose to ignore until something horrific occurs. And yet then we turn around and say why did this have to happen? Do you REALLY want to know why?
And then I worry that all the influx of money will help in the short term, but just like any other relief effort-- as the event fades in the news, so does the outpouring of support. Then where are they? Any further ahead than before the natural disaster? Further behind really with an even more desperate need for infrastructure and social and political stability to deal with the rebuilding. Will people still care in 5 years?
IF ONLY people realized that $5 tshirt comes at a cost. An environmental cost, a social cost, and international cost. Our relative 'richness' in N. America is dependent on someone else's poverty. Wow... i can buy this for a dollar? How much did the poor chap earn to make that crappy plastic dollar store item? Was it made in a country where there are no environmental rules, no labour safeguards? Could you tell that person you don't care about their poverty, their health, their situation and that you really NEEDED that $1 store crap more than they need a better life? Could you...
It is hard. Thinking beyond. Thinking about where stuff came from, where it will end up. But if people thought a bit more, maybe we won't keep waiting until we are on the precipice to make ethical choices.....
Friday, January 22, 2010
Beautiful, Sexy, Good even!
Looking over my last posts, I realized how brooding they seem. I guess I do brood a fair bit, I definately think too much, I think!! That being said I wanted to say with honesty, I am, overall pretty happy. I recognize the wonderful people I have in my life. My wonderful creative daughter, my curious and inquiring future scientist son, my supportive spouse, my brother-- who knows the darkest depths of me and 'gets' me like no other, my little brother and sister of whom I am so proud -- almost parent like, my in-laws who are like a gift from heaven, my extended family.... My best friend since grade 2 MAV, my friend who has given me encouragement, support and laughs V, and of course L, who has been a friend since Uni and is someone who is the kindest most loving person and always makes me feel good to spend time with, or S who is my intellectually challenging argumentative and equally stubborn friend whom I admire and love too. So blessed. And that is the short list. Then there are those I keep in contact via email and internet. The people I work with/for in the non-profit sector. The people I meet who hold a mirror up allowing me to see a new side of myself and grow.
For all my insecurities, for all my feelings of not being good 'enough' at anything I attempt... I am surrounded by enough goodness that I continue to live by the 2% rule. I am a great Mum (one who sometimes sucks, but overall comes through) and a good citizen. I try to give of myself to others. Spread love via smiles, thank yous, appreciation of cashiers and people I meet. Saying the good things I think about others, not just keeping them inside where they can do little good! Let them out.
Happiness is here. We just have to open the door. Somedays it seems stuck, that damn door. But most days I manage to open it at sometime. I am lucky-- in a blessing sort of way. I have built good things around me and drawn positivity in. I am a work in progress. As this work continues, I feel good inside my skin for the first time in my life. I feel beautiful, sexy, good with being who I am. I welcome the flexibility and nimble nature of my intellect, the strength and warmth of my body that makes others want to touch me, accept the responsibility to embody what I want to see in my world on the small and grand scale.
If you are reading this, may you feel my heart opening to you-- warming and supporting you. Believing in you and your dreams. You can. I know you can.
For all my insecurities, for all my feelings of not being good 'enough' at anything I attempt... I am surrounded by enough goodness that I continue to live by the 2% rule. I am a great Mum (one who sometimes sucks, but overall comes through) and a good citizen. I try to give of myself to others. Spread love via smiles, thank yous, appreciation of cashiers and people I meet. Saying the good things I think about others, not just keeping them inside where they can do little good! Let them out.
Happiness is here. We just have to open the door. Somedays it seems stuck, that damn door. But most days I manage to open it at sometime. I am lucky-- in a blessing sort of way. I have built good things around me and drawn positivity in. I am a work in progress. As this work continues, I feel good inside my skin for the first time in my life. I feel beautiful, sexy, good with being who I am. I welcome the flexibility and nimble nature of my intellect, the strength and warmth of my body that makes others want to touch me, accept the responsibility to embody what I want to see in my world on the small and grand scale.
If you are reading this, may you feel my heart opening to you-- warming and supporting you. Believing in you and your dreams. You can. I know you can.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Being good....
So many think of me as good. My brother commented on being glad I am not as "perfect as I seem" and my best friend since I was a kid was shocked when I shared some personal transgressions. She too had constructed the "good" vision of me. The irony is that I feel anything but. How does one reconcile the person others see, the person your actions present to the world.... and the inner self? I do good, I am good (to an extent)... But I want to be great. I want fabulous, or shitty for pities sake. Something more, not middle of the road!
Does everyone struggle this much? I suppose some people don't think as much as I.... perhaps that is the clue there, still the mind. Not that I have not thought of that before. Hell, I think CONSTANTLY! I wonder if this isnt the challenge in front of all of us. To reach our higher self we need to reconcile the outer with the inner.
Someone who has seen past the outer wrappings and sensed the inner me, commented that I like pain. You know, in some ways I think it isnt so much 'like' as it is being overly familiar with it. Pain gives you a purpose, something to focus on and get past... something to focus on when those inner voices rise to a din. So the outer shuts off the inner with pain. It is familiar and predictable and seems to revisit when least expecting. Do I bring it on or does it find me? If I align inner and outer will it go away?
That's the goal this year. I think. If I can. Seek to align the two. Unless I get something to distract me in the meantime....
Does everyone struggle this much? I suppose some people don't think as much as I.... perhaps that is the clue there, still the mind. Not that I have not thought of that before. Hell, I think CONSTANTLY! I wonder if this isnt the challenge in front of all of us. To reach our higher self we need to reconcile the outer with the inner.
Someone who has seen past the outer wrappings and sensed the inner me, commented that I like pain. You know, in some ways I think it isnt so much 'like' as it is being overly familiar with it. Pain gives you a purpose, something to focus on and get past... something to focus on when those inner voices rise to a din. So the outer shuts off the inner with pain. It is familiar and predictable and seems to revisit when least expecting. Do I bring it on or does it find me? If I align inner and outer will it go away?
That's the goal this year. I think. If I can. Seek to align the two. Unless I get something to distract me in the meantime....
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Love Love me Do...
You know, I love you! We all know the words. We all think about LOVE. The L word. We want it. We search for it. Yet in my transitional year I am learning that it is all around us. I keep stumbling across writing from various religious traditions suggesting that we let it in, let all else go, act in love.... Love is so much more than the traditional 'romantic' version of love. I am beginning to believe that love is the opposite of the dark side. It is all that is good in the world and in people. Kindness, honesty, service to others... this all grows from love of oneself and love of humanity. Environmental awareness and committment to social issues stems from a love of those around you, loving the beauty of the world and wanting to eradicate that which is damaging or cruel.
How is it that you love? Do you love unconditionally? Are you willing to open your heart to being a loving being knowing full well that to act in love means that you have the greatest opportunity for gain, but also the greatest opportunity for hurt? When we are loving and acting with love in our hands/head/heart, we are our purest selves. That powerful and physical feeling we get when we gaze upon our sleeping children.... LOVE. That feeling of connectedness with the earth as your paddle dips silently into the water as the canoe glides along... communion with the positive energy of the earth (LOVE!). We are so afraid to say that we love people. That we care. People are so afraid to accept it. What crazy creatures are we! Perhaps our dogs have it right when their eyes light up to see us and their whole body wags with happiness. As if you could say it was anything BUT love!!
Ahhh, I care for others too easily perhaps. I am cut deeply too often. Yet I continue on extending that care, honesty and emotion. And still there are those I am afraid to share my love with, to remind them of it. As they are stuggling like myself. My problem? I am a black hole of need for love, the problem being that I myself am terrified to let it in. To just open up to it. To be unafraid of the what may be... or what might come.. to just let the beauty of the now engulf me and let the lesson unfold as it will. My inner child screams for acceptance, for love, for confirmation that she is good enough and smart enough and successful enough and lovable. While I may know academically that I am all of the latter, my emotional self still cries to hear it. Have it. Hold it.
I don't think I am much different than many others. I am just more willing to look into my dark shadows and admit the realities. Acknowledge where my past has brought me, and the binds it has tied on how I am able to open myself to the universality of love. I can give it freely, but take not of it easily. We all hide. We all have an inner child. We all have to love that child, and teach her how to stand confidently and accept what may come.
How is it that you love? Do you love unconditionally? Are you willing to open your heart to being a loving being knowing full well that to act in love means that you have the greatest opportunity for gain, but also the greatest opportunity for hurt? When we are loving and acting with love in our hands/head/heart, we are our purest selves. That powerful and physical feeling we get when we gaze upon our sleeping children.... LOVE. That feeling of connectedness with the earth as your paddle dips silently into the water as the canoe glides along... communion with the positive energy of the earth (LOVE!). We are so afraid to say that we love people. That we care. People are so afraid to accept it. What crazy creatures are we! Perhaps our dogs have it right when their eyes light up to see us and their whole body wags with happiness. As if you could say it was anything BUT love!!
Ahhh, I care for others too easily perhaps. I am cut deeply too often. Yet I continue on extending that care, honesty and emotion. And still there are those I am afraid to share my love with, to remind them of it. As they are stuggling like myself. My problem? I am a black hole of need for love, the problem being that I myself am terrified to let it in. To just open up to it. To be unafraid of the what may be... or what might come.. to just let the beauty of the now engulf me and let the lesson unfold as it will. My inner child screams for acceptance, for love, for confirmation that she is good enough and smart enough and successful enough and lovable. While I may know academically that I am all of the latter, my emotional self still cries to hear it. Have it. Hold it.
I don't think I am much different than many others. I am just more willing to look into my dark shadows and admit the realities. Acknowledge where my past has brought me, and the binds it has tied on how I am able to open myself to the universality of love. I can give it freely, but take not of it easily. We all hide. We all have an inner child. We all have to love that child, and teach her how to stand confidently and accept what may come.
Monday, January 18, 2010
when doing the right things is just not enough
It was an interesting weekend. Trying new things for me, and for my family. I love trying new things, whether they are successful or not. I think my daughter is the same, however, my son is not. He is such a wonderful child, yet is often so challenged with his Sensory Integration Dysfunction. This weekend it reared its head as if to say "HEY YOU!! Just 'cause I have not been obvious lately, does not mean I am gone!".
On Saturday I heard screaming from upstairs... terror and pain mixed into a horrid pitch. As I ran upstairs my thought was fall off bed or broken bone. I imagined compound break. When I burst into his room, I found him on the floor holding his mouth screaming. Why? He has a loose tooth. The sensation of that sent unfamiliar sensory information flooding into his brain. Relief hit that it was something simple. A shake of the head that it was just a loose tooth. Hardest was assuring him he would be fine and leaving him to work out the feelings. Over time, I have realized there is NOTHING I can do to alleviate the feelings. He just has to work it out in a safe space. And he did. Then came downstairs and rocked on the couch for a while.
He attended a birthday party in the afternoon. Also something new, a party with a pack of boys. He expressed not having fun, "all they did was play hockey or football". Why is this a problem? Because he cannot keep up. He looks like a normal healthy kid, but he cannot integrate all the senses to function well in sports. He knows he is different. It is called dyspraxia.
In my awareness of all this rising up again after a period of calm... I picked up "Sensational Kids", a great SID resource and looked at coping strategies. We are doing everything right. AND IT IS JUST NOT ENOUGH! I had a realization today, my frustration rises from being a parent. I WANT to make it better, I WANT to make it easier for him. I do all the right things, but I cannot make it go away. And what does every parent want? To make difficulties go away. Sometimes, doing everything right just isnt enough to make it better! Doesn't mean I won't stop trying to find that magic thing!
On Saturday I heard screaming from upstairs... terror and pain mixed into a horrid pitch. As I ran upstairs my thought was fall off bed or broken bone. I imagined compound break. When I burst into his room, I found him on the floor holding his mouth screaming. Why? He has a loose tooth. The sensation of that sent unfamiliar sensory information flooding into his brain. Relief hit that it was something simple. A shake of the head that it was just a loose tooth. Hardest was assuring him he would be fine and leaving him to work out the feelings. Over time, I have realized there is NOTHING I can do to alleviate the feelings. He just has to work it out in a safe space. And he did. Then came downstairs and rocked on the couch for a while.
He attended a birthday party in the afternoon. Also something new, a party with a pack of boys. He expressed not having fun, "all they did was play hockey or football". Why is this a problem? Because he cannot keep up. He looks like a normal healthy kid, but he cannot integrate all the senses to function well in sports. He knows he is different. It is called dyspraxia.
In my awareness of all this rising up again after a period of calm... I picked up "Sensational Kids", a great SID resource and looked at coping strategies. We are doing everything right. AND IT IS JUST NOT ENOUGH! I had a realization today, my frustration rises from being a parent. I WANT to make it better, I WANT to make it easier for him. I do all the right things, but I cannot make it go away. And what does every parent want? To make difficulties go away. Sometimes, doing everything right just isnt enough to make it better! Doesn't mean I won't stop trying to find that magic thing!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Quotes that caught me...
From allowhappiness on Twitter:
Know that you cannot help but judge. What you do then with your judgement is the choice.
Do not feel responsible for everyone's happiness. Only they can choose it, you cannot choose it for them.
To love yourself is to see through your perceptions of all that is unlovable, and embrace all that is yet to be loved.
Creativity is the ability to give the world something it didn't know it was missing.
Know that you cannot help but judge. What you do then with your judgement is the choice.
Do not feel responsible for everyone's happiness. Only they can choose it, you cannot choose it for them.
To love yourself is to see through your perceptions of all that is unlovable, and embrace all that is yet to be loved.
Creativity is the ability to give the world something it didn't know it was missing.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Whining
Every wondered what bright light came up with drugs to alleviate that nagging urge to pee? Or any of the other odd ones out there? I have a HUGE moneymaking idea for those big drug companies.... anti-whining pills, lollipops, something!
What I am really wondering is why, if we can have drugs that stop kids from puking, having diarrhea, or running a fever... then why pray tell.... are there no drugs to alleviate the condition of whining. Like, REALLY! It is a health concern on both ends. We get so irritated that we just might freak out, and their whining is the prime cause! It makes our blood pressure rise, the production of adrenaline to start, and our urge to hurl toys at walls become very hard to resist. One nice little whining reducing lollipop..... and think of the calm....
I know, I know. I will survive. And I do laugh sometimes at the extremes. But then again, the day to day whining can be the most problematic. The payback of all the whining I ever did is definately underway. What I do know, is that I will never ever EVER miss WHINING!
What I am really wondering is why, if we can have drugs that stop kids from puking, having diarrhea, or running a fever... then why pray tell.... are there no drugs to alleviate the condition of whining. Like, REALLY! It is a health concern on both ends. We get so irritated that we just might freak out, and their whining is the prime cause! It makes our blood pressure rise, the production of adrenaline to start, and our urge to hurl toys at walls become very hard to resist. One nice little whining reducing lollipop..... and think of the calm....
I know, I know. I will survive. And I do laugh sometimes at the extremes. But then again, the day to day whining can be the most problematic. The payback of all the whining I ever did is definately underway. What I do know, is that I will never ever EVER miss WHINING!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Waterlily Chakra point
Waterlilies... beautiful in their whiteness against the dark waters of northern ontario. A place that saved me, built a sense of self for a hurt child. Waterlilies, a flower which grows up from mucky murky waters. Often in hidden nooks, off the beaten track. Forging off on their own. Taking years to push up and bud, forming a perfect bloom. The bloom set against the often pockmarked and beaten lily leaves around it. How I yearn to be the beauty of the lily, but feel like the battered lily pad. And how like a waterlily I am in some ways.... struggling through murkiness and decomposing organic matter. Things fallen below the surface. The surface that seems fine. Reaching up, up, up to the sun, the surface after years of steady effort. Bursting forth. Blooming.
And where did my waterlily get placed on my body. Directly on my sternum, in the region of the heart chakra. Ironic. So I researched further. The colours of the heart chakra are green and deep red. Two colours I am always drawn to. Funny. It is driven by the sense of touch, the smell aligned with it is that of the rose. How I adore the smell of roses. How I have spent hours pruning, deadheading and delighting in the scent of my rosebushes. Once again. Coincidence. The best therapy for those driven by this chakra? To love, donate, give, share. What am I passionate about? people. Non-profit work. Volunteering. When your heart chakra is overpowering or not in balance, you avoid intimacy. Push away otherwise lovable or loving people. Become jealous. It is accessed through a Leo meridian point on the body (I am a leo). It is said to be where our true spirit, our true self resides. Mine, hidden under my lily.
Coincidences. I get my lily in a place of physical importance for me, and it truly does turn out to be significant. That I should get it when I ams searching for my true self. When the chakra lying under that lily is said to connect to that very thing for which I search. Love. What I want so very desperately, yet manage to push aside or deny myself. Struggle to relate purely with. And want to be encompassed and wrapped up in, also underneath that lily.
Ah, the paths we take. The choices we make. The results we see.
And where did my waterlily get placed on my body. Directly on my sternum, in the region of the heart chakra. Ironic. So I researched further. The colours of the heart chakra are green and deep red. Two colours I am always drawn to. Funny. It is driven by the sense of touch, the smell aligned with it is that of the rose. How I adore the smell of roses. How I have spent hours pruning, deadheading and delighting in the scent of my rosebushes. Once again. Coincidence. The best therapy for those driven by this chakra? To love, donate, give, share. What am I passionate about? people. Non-profit work. Volunteering. When your heart chakra is overpowering or not in balance, you avoid intimacy. Push away otherwise lovable or loving people. Become jealous. It is accessed through a Leo meridian point on the body (I am a leo). It is said to be where our true spirit, our true self resides. Mine, hidden under my lily.
Coincidences. I get my lily in a place of physical importance for me, and it truly does turn out to be significant. That I should get it when I ams searching for my true self. When the chakra lying under that lily is said to connect to that very thing for which I search. Love. What I want so very desperately, yet manage to push aside or deny myself. Struggle to relate purely with. And want to be encompassed and wrapped up in, also underneath that lily.
Ah, the paths we take. The choices we make. The results we see.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Global Warming Challenge
So here is a simple challenge to all who come across this. Do a few EASY things that can perhaps, start you on the road to bigger changes that will in turn continue to impact our environment in positive ways...
1. Only buy toilet paper, tissues, paper towels (used sparingly!!) that are made from post-consumer
2. Use rags that can be re-washed, not paper towels.
3. Use less harsh chemicals. Do you really need bleach when soap and hot water kills germs too?
4. Avoid plastic bags like the plague. Baggies too. Think re-usable!
5. Buy less. Do you really need that latest and greatest THING?
6. Be aware of where things come from. What is the real cost of that item made in China (social, ecological, financial)
7. Take the time to find out where your food came from. Choose local or at least Canadian whenever possible.
8. Turn the heat down, lights off, tap off. Canadians are horrid wasters. Lets realize our natural resources however bountiful are not endless!
9. Recognize "greenwashing" or "eco-marketing" and find out what REAL ecologically responsible organizations reccomend. We can't buy our way out of this one people....
10. Re-build a sense of community around you. Share more, care more, engage more. Build the will to change.
Thank you! Love, K. XOX
1. Only buy toilet paper, tissues, paper towels (used sparingly!!) that are made from post-consumer
2. Use rags that can be re-washed, not paper towels.
3. Use less harsh chemicals. Do you really need bleach when soap and hot water kills germs too?
4. Avoid plastic bags like the plague. Baggies too. Think re-usable!
5. Buy less. Do you really need that latest and greatest THING?
6. Be aware of where things come from. What is the real cost of that item made in China (social, ecological, financial)
7. Take the time to find out where your food came from. Choose local or at least Canadian whenever possible.
8. Turn the heat down, lights off, tap off. Canadians are horrid wasters. Lets realize our natural resources however bountiful are not endless!
9. Recognize "greenwashing" or "eco-marketing" and find out what REAL ecologically responsible organizations reccomend. We can't buy our way out of this one people....
10. Re-build a sense of community around you. Share more, care more, engage more. Build the will to change.
Thank you! Love, K. XOX
Blessings
I have read in many places that learning to be thankful for the blessings around us is important. As I have not been 100% in the health department(had a nagging cold, turned bronchitis, turned back to cold for last month when BAM! Hammered me with Strep on Saturday-- which levels me to bed with nausea, fever, chills and severe joint pain) I thought about how lucky I was to only be really ill for one or maybe two days. Yes, I was sick enough that taking a bath exhausted me and I could barely answer my children, but this was one day. How must it have been for my Mum when she was going through chemo or radiation? For those who suffer fibromyalgia or chronic pain? Man, am I ever blessed.
We think so little of our blessings until we have them stripped from us. Funny how that works eh? We appreciate too little, until it is gone. Why must we humans push everything to the brink before we are grateful?
I think perhaps in all the complications of my personal muddle that I find myself in as of late, I will take a moment to do the whole "gratefullness journal" thing. I scoffed when I heard about it before, but I think perhaps it has much more merit than I had initially accorded it. An additional component of my choice to be be positive, is to support that by thinking of that which I have, not that which I do not have. Hmmm.
We think so little of our blessings until we have them stripped from us. Funny how that works eh? We appreciate too little, until it is gone. Why must we humans push everything to the brink before we are grateful?
I think perhaps in all the complications of my personal muddle that I find myself in as of late, I will take a moment to do the whole "gratefullness journal" thing. I scoffed when I heard about it before, but I think perhaps it has much more merit than I had initially accorded it. An additional component of my choice to be be positive, is to support that by thinking of that which I have, not that which I do not have. Hmmm.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
think Atlas and the weight of the world
I sometimes think of Atlas. And laugh to myself, that the Greeks chose a man to carry the weight of the world. But then again, it was the physical weight he was sentenced to bear for his threats and aggressive behaviour, not the emotional weight. Leave the emotional weight to a woman. We know the weight of guilt laid, or guilt held. Apologies left stuck deep and remaining unsaid, weightily sitting deep in the pit of your stomach. Or the weight of love lost, or the relief of all weight with love found. Ah yes, a woman is an emotional scale keeper. Exact in her knowledge.
Isnt it funny how knowing something, and doing it are two very different things? We women may know the weight of a choice in academic terms, yet are incapable of not listening to our less rational emotional brain. Then we are weighted down. Ah, for all the expertise, even the scale keeper must miscalculate sometimes.
How I envy those able to toss aside the weighty load. To share it with their 'god', or relieve it with a 'hail mary', or reason it away, or perhaps just have a limited depth and just not care.
And yet, it is those loads that have forced me to stumble many a time. To stop, assess the packing job and what to toss. Sometimes those stumbles have added additional weight while other times the load got lighter. Sometimes the stumbles have lead to great joy, discovery, love and learning. Other times pain and desperation.
The weight remains mine to bear. How I shoulder it, when I let it go, and what I add to the load are all up to me. May the energies of the universe give me the grace to do what is right, make choices that lead to lightness of being and gratitude for what I have.
Isnt it funny how knowing something, and doing it are two very different things? We women may know the weight of a choice in academic terms, yet are incapable of not listening to our less rational emotional brain. Then we are weighted down. Ah, for all the expertise, even the scale keeper must miscalculate sometimes.
How I envy those able to toss aside the weighty load. To share it with their 'god', or relieve it with a 'hail mary', or reason it away, or perhaps just have a limited depth and just not care.
And yet, it is those loads that have forced me to stumble many a time. To stop, assess the packing job and what to toss. Sometimes those stumbles have added additional weight while other times the load got lighter. Sometimes the stumbles have lead to great joy, discovery, love and learning. Other times pain and desperation.
The weight remains mine to bear. How I shoulder it, when I let it go, and what I add to the load are all up to me. May the energies of the universe give me the grace to do what is right, make choices that lead to lightness of being and gratitude for what I have.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Strength and Resiliency
I am strong
I am resilient
Are you?
I stumble and make mistakes
but I learn
I am not my past
but my past has brought me here and given me coping skills
I am a work in progress
so far, pretty good progress is being made
I believe I can and will succeed
but it may take time
I know my strengths and build on them
I know my faults and weaknesses
though I try to not let them rule
Today I feel both strong and resilient
Today I have turned a mental and emotional corner
the path here was a struggle
and the path is filled with obstacles
But I am okay with that and I can smile
I see that people come into our lives for so many different reasons
I am recognizing some of the beauty in the choices of last year
Suddenly I am seeing some new realities
And it is okay
I am strong
I am resilient
I am resilient
Are you?
I stumble and make mistakes
but I learn
I am not my past
but my past has brought me here and given me coping skills
I am a work in progress
so far, pretty good progress is being made
I believe I can and will succeed
but it may take time
I know my strengths and build on them
I know my faults and weaknesses
though I try to not let them rule
Today I feel both strong and resilient
Today I have turned a mental and emotional corner
the path here was a struggle
and the path is filled with obstacles
But I am okay with that and I can smile
I see that people come into our lives for so many different reasons
I am recognizing some of the beauty in the choices of last year
Suddenly I am seeing some new realities
And it is okay
I am strong
I am resilient
Monday, January 4, 2010
What do you LOVE?
On a lighter note, what are 10 things that you love and can list right now? I mean things that put a smile on your face, or make you feel warm and fuzzy inside?
My list:
1. My son snuggling up against me (he is a definate non-snuggler kid)
2. My daughters big grin
3. A silent house
4. Sun streaming in through the window and snuggling in a duvet
5. Warm rice pudding
6. Looking down at perfectly polished toe nails!
7. Sharing an idea with someone, having them get excited about it and share their own with you...
8. The number 7 and the colour green
9. Music that makes you almost incapable of not moving along to it!
10. A great book that lets you escape into someone else's world....
11. PEOPLE! 98% are incredible, kind, funny, interesting, have something to add to your day....
(I know, there are 11. I added the 11th later on as I realized that people are something I love. Love to meet 'em, greet 'em, engage 'em!)
I would love it that if you read this, that you message me your own list of ten.
My list:
1. My son snuggling up against me (he is a definate non-snuggler kid)
2. My daughters big grin
3. A silent house
4. Sun streaming in through the window and snuggling in a duvet
5. Warm rice pudding
6. Looking down at perfectly polished toe nails!
7. Sharing an idea with someone, having them get excited about it and share their own with you...
8. The number 7 and the colour green
9. Music that makes you almost incapable of not moving along to it!
10. A great book that lets you escape into someone else's world....
11. PEOPLE! 98% are incredible, kind, funny, interesting, have something to add to your day....
(I know, there are 11. I added the 11th later on as I realized that people are something I love. Love to meet 'em, greet 'em, engage 'em!)
I would love it that if you read this, that you message me your own list of ten.
What do you believe?
A poem on a blog I follow www.sweetmangodesigns.com prompted me to think on what it is I believe to my core. What are things that are certain, hard, right to the core things that I believe....
I believe....
...that each of us has a soul print that is unique and important to discover
...that life is happens to us and with us. There is a path that exists for each of us, and what we 'put out there' impacts what we get back. We make choices that affect the path's direction, yet we do not have total control either. We have to be open sometimes to listening to the whispers of 'the path' and embrace the coincidences, the lessons, the synchronicity.
...we must endeavor to be kind, loving, honest in all we do. Yet ultimately, there are choices/actions we will have to make/take that will not seem kind, or loving, or honest. But these choices if made to be true to our inner self, will in time find grace.
...we are not our past. Our past brought us here and shaped us. But we choose everyday how to let the past in.
...in not getting to 85 and uttering "woulda coulda shoulda".
...failure is important. We must fail time and time again to clearly see ourselves and learn. Success happens after much failure. Only after great risk can great success be realized.
...beauty is everywhere.
...everyone is good at something. Has a talent. Is here to do something important.
...that our society is judged on how we treat those weaker or with less power than ourselves.
...that money and status means little.
...that forgiveness is hard. But everyone deserves a chance to make mistakes, we must take the time to see the reasons behind the screw up and let go and forgive whenever possible.
...love comes in many different shapes and sizes and forms. I am learning what kind of love I can give, and what I need. I give of myself easily, but need to take what others offer more willingly. Love is everything and everywhere.
I believe....
...that each of us has a soul print that is unique and important to discover
...that life is happens to us and with us. There is a path that exists for each of us, and what we 'put out there' impacts what we get back. We make choices that affect the path's direction, yet we do not have total control either. We have to be open sometimes to listening to the whispers of 'the path' and embrace the coincidences, the lessons, the synchronicity.
...we must endeavor to be kind, loving, honest in all we do. Yet ultimately, there are choices/actions we will have to make/take that will not seem kind, or loving, or honest. But these choices if made to be true to our inner self, will in time find grace.
...we are not our past. Our past brought us here and shaped us. But we choose everyday how to let the past in.
...in not getting to 85 and uttering "woulda coulda shoulda".
...failure is important. We must fail time and time again to clearly see ourselves and learn. Success happens after much failure. Only after great risk can great success be realized.
...beauty is everywhere.
...everyone is good at something. Has a talent. Is here to do something important.
...that our society is judged on how we treat those weaker or with less power than ourselves.
...that money and status means little.
...that forgiveness is hard. But everyone deserves a chance to make mistakes, we must take the time to see the reasons behind the screw up and let go and forgive whenever possible.
...love comes in many different shapes and sizes and forms. I am learning what kind of love I can give, and what I need. I give of myself easily, but need to take what others offer more willingly. Love is everything and everywhere.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
A new way to move forward with new goals in the new decade...
www.sethgodin.typepad.com
Here is a site you need to see.... be provoked to think more deeply about where you are going.... what you are aspiring to... and what the rapidly changing world needs.
I heard him on the CBC today on SPARK... definately worth checking out via podcast. But most of all, download his free ebook (I did) and read it. What ARE the changemakers, great thinkers and successful people of our time doing that makes them so damn good at being successful??
***Just read the whole e-book "What Matters Now" and am inspired, refreshed, reaffirmed that I CAN make change happen.... This is a great book. Read it. You may be inspired by something like "Execution! Do it NOW! Get it DONE! Barriers are baloney! Excuses for wimps. Accountability is gospel. Blame no one, expect nothing, but DO SOMETHING!!
Here is a site you need to see.... be provoked to think more deeply about where you are going.... what you are aspiring to... and what the rapidly changing world needs.
I heard him on the CBC today on SPARK... definately worth checking out via podcast. But most of all, download his free ebook (I did) and read it. What ARE the changemakers, great thinkers and successful people of our time doing that makes them so damn good at being successful??
***Just read the whole e-book "What Matters Now" and am inspired, refreshed, reaffirmed that I CAN make change happen.... This is a great book. Read it. You may be inspired by something like "Execution! Do it NOW! Get it DONE! Barriers are baloney! Excuses for wimps. Accountability is gospel. Blame no one, expect nothing, but DO SOMETHING!!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Dawn of a Decade
This New Year's I thought on 2010 being the start of a new decade, and how quickly the last decade passed. It got me to thinking, what did I accomplish or what significant transpired in the last 10 years? What were significant things that I learned?
I actually plan on sitting down and figuring those very questions out and writing them down. They are however, a bit too personal to post here. Where the past 10 years then leads us is to the now and the next decade that faces us. Here are a few things that really struck me...
* At the end of this now beginning decade I will have teenagers who are approaching the age of exiting the 'nest'.
* I will be at the age where I have long thought I should be achieving a professional peak.
* I will be about the same age as my Mum was when the cancer came into her life.
* My Dad will be in his mid-seventies and still around I hope
* Given the age that women in my family live, I will be at the middle of my life!
For some reason the dawning decade seems more significant. Perhaps it is the experience of the last decade and the maturing that went on. Perhaps it is that I finally feel rooted in who I truly am. Which makes me fearful that I will be afraid to make the right choices, and continue denying that true person what she deserves. I think on how fast the last ten passed, and that I had better not be wasteful with the next 10. Perhaps it is that I am noticing aging in the reflection I see in the mirror. I also think on the fact that the next decade are years that my children will be able to recall as adults... their first few were most formative and I gave so much to their development, but truthfully that will go unremembered.
Regardless, I enter 2010 thoughtful and as a seeker of authenticity, knowledge, beauty, and love. May your year unfolding be all that you dream of. May your decade bring not only what you seek, but what you need and deserve. Remembering that each day we have the ability to make choices on the paths we follow, however small they may be.
I actually plan on sitting down and figuring those very questions out and writing them down. They are however, a bit too personal to post here. Where the past 10 years then leads us is to the now and the next decade that faces us. Here are a few things that really struck me...
* At the end of this now beginning decade I will have teenagers who are approaching the age of exiting the 'nest'.
* I will be at the age where I have long thought I should be achieving a professional peak.
* I will be about the same age as my Mum was when the cancer came into her life.
* My Dad will be in his mid-seventies and still around I hope
* Given the age that women in my family live, I will be at the middle of my life!
For some reason the dawning decade seems more significant. Perhaps it is the experience of the last decade and the maturing that went on. Perhaps it is that I finally feel rooted in who I truly am. Which makes me fearful that I will be afraid to make the right choices, and continue denying that true person what she deserves. I think on how fast the last ten passed, and that I had better not be wasteful with the next 10. Perhaps it is that I am noticing aging in the reflection I see in the mirror. I also think on the fact that the next decade are years that my children will be able to recall as adults... their first few were most formative and I gave so much to their development, but truthfully that will go unremembered.
Regardless, I enter 2010 thoughtful and as a seeker of authenticity, knowledge, beauty, and love. May your year unfolding be all that you dream of. May your decade bring not only what you seek, but what you need and deserve. Remembering that each day we have the ability to make choices on the paths we follow, however small they may be.