connected
with muscles, tendons and skin
smooth and curved
bruises, bumps painted on for detail
scars character
dependably strong yet not utilitarian
saturated in energy
lushness hidden
warmth and languid limbs
not delicate except in details
mine
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Reduced to a box
.... my life anyway. Reduced to the contents of a variety of boxes. And how liberating it is to just have it all boxed up and stacked so neatly. There is no urgent feeling to open the boxes. It has made me all to aware of how little I care about most of the "things" in my life. I honestly think I could go back to the University me who was two rubbermaid bins, a garment bag and a duffle bag, the one who moved every 4 months. Makes me realize why I am not a packrat. Not to mention, that in this digital age all we need is a laptop and a jump drive full of photos. No heavy albums.
When it is all boxed and cubically contained I wonder if I will feel the urge to leave it all behind? Unfortunately, or fortunately... depending which side you're on in my life, it is all just a feeling. I am too committed to the things in my life that need me and way to sensible. But that little cabin somewhere way up north.... the one with no running water, that I would winter out in it and experience first thaws of the north in.... It still calls!
When it is all boxed and cubically contained I wonder if I will feel the urge to leave it all behind? Unfortunately, or fortunately... depending which side you're on in my life, it is all just a feeling. I am too committed to the things in my life that need me and way to sensible. But that little cabin somewhere way up north.... the one with no running water, that I would winter out in it and experience first thaws of the north in.... It still calls!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Outward calmness
subdued and still
for some displays contentment
I am quelching the inner terror
Pressure sensed as moist humid air clinging
Breathing pinched tight
extremities cold
Waterlily stem withered under the hold
Life and decisions
me you we us them
community
inner and outer with yes challenging no
Too many voices buzzing
decisions beyond my current grasp
I retreat
Searching a haven
subdued and still
for some displays contentment
I am quelching the inner terror
Pressure sensed as moist humid air clinging
Breathing pinched tight
extremities cold
Waterlily stem withered under the hold
Life and decisions
me you we us them
community
inner and outer with yes challenging no
Too many voices buzzing
decisions beyond my current grasp
I retreat
Searching a haven
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
While cruising others blogs...
Here are a few things I read and was struck by....
"Two lovers born into this life,
Each born alone half of a whole.."
Take my hand
lets fly
nothing to hold us back
our future lies on the horizon
the clouds
rise in towers
and cradle our dreams
symphonies sing the skies
violins play a path at our feet
dance with me across the
clear blue
hold me close
whisper in my ear
about where we are going
remind me of how far we have come
kiss me into the present
and dip me into forever
come my love
lets ride the clouds
until the night falls
and the moon rises
and stardust is sprinkled in our hair.
from SweetMango's blog
And what SweetMango wrote about the blogging explains it completely for me...
Sometimes I write just to write, just to let words slip out of me onto paper or screen. Maybe it is to free up some room inside of me to allow more creations to reside within me, maybe it is because there is point, a need, a lesson to be told in the form of a story....who knows , I dont !!
"Two lovers born into this life,
Each born alone half of a whole.."
Take my hand
lets fly
nothing to hold us back
our future lies on the horizon
the clouds
rise in towers
and cradle our dreams
symphonies sing the skies
violins play a path at our feet
dance with me across the
clear blue
hold me close
whisper in my ear
about where we are going
remind me of how far we have come
kiss me into the present
and dip me into forever
come my love
lets ride the clouds
until the night falls
and the moon rises
and stardust is sprinkled in our hair.
from SweetMango's blog
And what SweetMango wrote about the blogging explains it completely for me...
Sometimes I write just to write, just to let words slip out of me onto paper or screen. Maybe it is to free up some room inside of me to allow more creations to reside within me, maybe it is because there is point, a need, a lesson to be told in the form of a story....who knows , I dont !!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Stress...
Help! I am choking on it! The stress that is... what a weird thing it is. I think it must be a real sign of being an 'adult'. Ei yi yi. The worst part is, given that it is situational stress it is highly unlikely that anything I do can alleviate it for any lengthy period. Guess I just have to manage and wait until the move is over. Time to visit my friendly neighborhood pharmacist and get that prescription for ativan filled!
Can't help but feel a little uneasy after my job eval. It went well, but was left with a vagueness. We got so busy talking about job related issues that all i got was the "things to work on" feedback, and not much in the "you're doing a good job Ms. KLC". Today when I checked in with the boss I broached the subject, got a sort of reply but not complete enough to allay the vaguely disconcerted feelings. Hmm. Wonder how much is merely my own stress playing into the situation and how much is really there. Hard to know given how my job works.
I am trying so hard to wrap up all loose ends so that when I move I can start fresh in my new office with some fresh new projects. Lovely. Lovely that is of course, if I can catch the damn ends and knot them together!!! I wonder sometimes what it is about me that says to people "ah, don't worry about her. She'll be fine. At least we don't have to worry about her." I felt that way as a kid, as an employee and even in relationships. Like no one lets me in on the feedback until I f*!#k up or work myself into a corner. It must be my confidence that fakes people out. Makes them falsely think I don't need compliments, feedback, support and reassurance. SO NOT TRUE!!! If anything, us over-compensators need it more. But... more on that later. The stress is getting to me.
Can't help but feel a little uneasy after my job eval. It went well, but was left with a vagueness. We got so busy talking about job related issues that all i got was the "things to work on" feedback, and not much in the "you're doing a good job Ms. KLC". Today when I checked in with the boss I broached the subject, got a sort of reply but not complete enough to allay the vaguely disconcerted feelings. Hmm. Wonder how much is merely my own stress playing into the situation and how much is really there. Hard to know given how my job works.
I am trying so hard to wrap up all loose ends so that when I move I can start fresh in my new office with some fresh new projects. Lovely. Lovely that is of course, if I can catch the damn ends and knot them together!!! I wonder sometimes what it is about me that says to people "ah, don't worry about her. She'll be fine. At least we don't have to worry about her." I felt that way as a kid, as an employee and even in relationships. Like no one lets me in on the feedback until I f*!#k up or work myself into a corner. It must be my confidence that fakes people out. Makes them falsely think I don't need compliments, feedback, support and reassurance. SO NOT TRUE!!! If anything, us over-compensators need it more. But... more on that later. The stress is getting to me.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Saying goodbye to pets
Today I have to say goodbye to my cat. This cat has been around since University, and was the first pet I owned. I am really sad to have to say goodbye to her. But, keeping her going isnt fair either. She is not as happy, struggles to jump where she wants to be, seems lost sometimes and most annoyingly, is becoming incontinent. Lord, I hope when I get to the same point in my life that it will be legal to take me out of the picture gracefully and painlessly. Why is it that we recognize the dignity of death in not allowing a well loved pet to suffer, yet it remains a crime to allow someone to choose to 'check out' when illness has become to much to bear?
Sunday, November 22, 2009
What is Happiness and Wellbeing Anyway?
Just read a phenomenal article from the latest Alternatives magazine by Mark Anielski. His article focuses on the need for economists to change how they view the relationships of money to people to society. As Linda McQuaig put it "we need to make the economy serve society rather than the other way around". Your knee jerk response may be that you, most certainly do not serve the economy..... oh but we do. We buy and buy 'stuff'. We work harder and harder, make more money (disposable) than ever and yet, our ratings of happiness have not changed appreciably in the last 50 years along with that huge financial jump. Why is that? Hmmm. Because we serve a system that dictates our everything.
It reminds me of how David Suzuki explained the 'economy' as becoming an entity unto itself, as though it breathed life. When in fact, it was a creation of economist following the second world war. If we created it.... can't we change it? This is what writer/economist Mark Anielski is advocating for. Changes that reflect a need for a system which puts emphasis on all parts of society that leads to 'happiness'. His model, is the "genuine wealth model" which sees happiness of a society as being rooted in balance between (1)human capital (2)natural capital (3)financial capital (4)built capital (5)social capital. We place undue emphasis on the financial and built (structures- man made things) capital to the detriment of our natural or environmental capital and we fail to see the importance of social capital.
Scientists have discovered that 50% of happiness is based on genetic material and to some extent our childhood and adolescent experiences. Of the remaining 50%, 10% is what we ourselves determine and the other 40% is driven by the relationships we have with friends, family and our communities. That is our social capital-- the relationships that are within communities, that connect us, support us and give to us. Hardly reflected in the big box strip malls and ever erupting new suburban developments. We need to reconnect within society, build social capital once again. Balance our obsession with the financial and built capital with equal care for our environmental capital and the needs of our human capital.
In an article that follows in the journal, "Simple, Fairer, Richer" written by Sally Lerner, it is stated that there is "no excuse for allowing society to slide into a situation where vast numbers of north americans are unemployed or underemployed and thereby trapped in stigmatized underclass where their children face decreasing opportunities". Are we really building our human capital by continuing an economic system where more people than ever are reliant on food banks? Are we building human capital when we send kids to school hungry? Luckily, we have people who care and see the need for developing social infrastructure where it is not. Creating non-profits, charities and food banks. Filing gaps left by our 'miraculous' economy.
I think we all need to stop and think.... we are judged in the end by how we treat the most vulnerable. If we met the most vulnerables needs, everyone elses would be met also. We are not just in an ecological crisis, we are also at a social crisis. The two are inextricably linked-- as pointed out by Anielski in his article. Sustainability of happiness within a society is reliant on a BALANCE between the built, financial, human, social, and environmental capitals. Where is your balance?
It reminds me of how David Suzuki explained the 'economy' as becoming an entity unto itself, as though it breathed life. When in fact, it was a creation of economist following the second world war. If we created it.... can't we change it? This is what writer/economist Mark Anielski is advocating for. Changes that reflect a need for a system which puts emphasis on all parts of society that leads to 'happiness'. His model, is the "genuine wealth model" which sees happiness of a society as being rooted in balance between (1)human capital (2)natural capital (3)financial capital (4)built capital (5)social capital. We place undue emphasis on the financial and built (structures- man made things) capital to the detriment of our natural or environmental capital and we fail to see the importance of social capital.
Scientists have discovered that 50% of happiness is based on genetic material and to some extent our childhood and adolescent experiences. Of the remaining 50%, 10% is what we ourselves determine and the other 40% is driven by the relationships we have with friends, family and our communities. That is our social capital-- the relationships that are within communities, that connect us, support us and give to us. Hardly reflected in the big box strip malls and ever erupting new suburban developments. We need to reconnect within society, build social capital once again. Balance our obsession with the financial and built capital with equal care for our environmental capital and the needs of our human capital.
In an article that follows in the journal, "Simple, Fairer, Richer" written by Sally Lerner, it is stated that there is "no excuse for allowing society to slide into a situation where vast numbers of north americans are unemployed or underemployed and thereby trapped in stigmatized underclass where their children face decreasing opportunities". Are we really building our human capital by continuing an economic system where more people than ever are reliant on food banks? Are we building human capital when we send kids to school hungry? Luckily, we have people who care and see the need for developing social infrastructure where it is not. Creating non-profits, charities and food banks. Filing gaps left by our 'miraculous' economy.
I think we all need to stop and think.... we are judged in the end by how we treat the most vulnerable. If we met the most vulnerables needs, everyone elses would be met also. We are not just in an ecological crisis, we are also at a social crisis. The two are inextricably linked-- as pointed out by Anielski in his article. Sustainability of happiness within a society is reliant on a BALANCE between the built, financial, human, social, and environmental capitals. Where is your balance?
Friday, November 20, 2009
If you could, would you?
And someone asked : What would you change, if you could go back to that moment when you made that choice? I think I would counter: Do you get to go back with the knowledge of now or only then, when you go back? I think this is the key. We all have made less than stellar choices in our lives. If we could go back where would we change the direction of the path?
Hmmm. I have thought about this. There are many things I regret doing, and many I regret not doing. That being said, I am here where I am because of where I was and what I chose. Those choices were mine and I made them with the knowledge and skills I posessed at that moment. They then shaped who I became. If I went back and changed those experiences, what I might end up with is a person I like even less!
I guess what I am saying is that each decision we make has the potential to be just right or just plain wrong. They say the best opportunities present themselves in the guise of a disastrous event or challenge. They also say not to let tragedy teach you what really matters. And so I say hmmmm again. My choices have been mine and whether right or wrong I have paid the price or collected the rewards. The decisions I make today seem so much more monumental with two pairs of young eyes looking to me for guidance. Whether I have nothing financially, or everything it matters little. My parents had far less than my children and turned out just fine. Happiness, love and honesty seem to be the keys. Being happy enough to show your children how to find their own. Being brave enough to love, risking getting hurt because being lonely is far worse. Being honest enough to admit your wrongs and try to right them, to gently guide when you can and be true and honest to you.
Would I go back and change? No. I am where I am. There are places I would have liked to go and experiences I would have liked to have. But there are many I can do now, and many more ahead of me. Looking backwards too much keeps you stuck, 'cause you cannot see the opportunities ahead of you!
I hardly think of myself as a daring person. But I am willing to try and accept failure or mistakes. Every day places choices in front of me. Not always am I actively engaging in them. Grey November seems to stall me in my tracks. But, when the motivation comes I think I can move forward again... waiting and open to the answers.... the answers for what lies ahead. Not what is behind and can no longer be changed.
Hmmm. I have thought about this. There are many things I regret doing, and many I regret not doing. That being said, I am here where I am because of where I was and what I chose. Those choices were mine and I made them with the knowledge and skills I posessed at that moment. They then shaped who I became. If I went back and changed those experiences, what I might end up with is a person I like even less!
I guess what I am saying is that each decision we make has the potential to be just right or just plain wrong. They say the best opportunities present themselves in the guise of a disastrous event or challenge. They also say not to let tragedy teach you what really matters. And so I say hmmmm again. My choices have been mine and whether right or wrong I have paid the price or collected the rewards. The decisions I make today seem so much more monumental with two pairs of young eyes looking to me for guidance. Whether I have nothing financially, or everything it matters little. My parents had far less than my children and turned out just fine. Happiness, love and honesty seem to be the keys. Being happy enough to show your children how to find their own. Being brave enough to love, risking getting hurt because being lonely is far worse. Being honest enough to admit your wrongs and try to right them, to gently guide when you can and be true and honest to you.
Would I go back and change? No. I am where I am. There are places I would have liked to go and experiences I would have liked to have. But there are many I can do now, and many more ahead of me. Looking backwards too much keeps you stuck, 'cause you cannot see the opportunities ahead of you!
I hardly think of myself as a daring person. But I am willing to try and accept failure or mistakes. Every day places choices in front of me. Not always am I actively engaging in them. Grey November seems to stall me in my tracks. But, when the motivation comes I think I can move forward again... waiting and open to the answers.... the answers for what lies ahead. Not what is behind and can no longer be changed.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
You know you're right...
When you're right. But it still feels weird. Today I supply taught for the first time since last school year. It was a personal call from a teacher I know and an age group I love. That being said, I am pretty sure now that I made the right choice to move to a different profession. Teaching is a part of who I am, but so is learning, so is community involvement and endeavouring to change the world around me. I could do this within teaching, but the fit just did not feel right. Non-profit development and Volunteer Management does. It is new, and challenging and so multi-faceted it forces me to use everything I've got some days. The overwork of the profession just might be what draws me in--- I won't get bored!
It felt good, but scary to know that turning back to teaching would only be a stop gap measure. Not a long term reality. Terrifying to be adrift... thrilling to be in adrift in a sea of opportunity with me paddling the boat. Just floating along being pushed and pulled by the current and whims of the weather is no longer an option. My boat of life is being captained again. I feel like I am searching for more, struggling with less. A chasm that must no longer be ignored is there. I am building the bridge this year. Last year was the discovery, this year is building.
It felt good, but scary to know that turning back to teaching would only be a stop gap measure. Not a long term reality. Terrifying to be adrift... thrilling to be in adrift in a sea of opportunity with me paddling the boat. Just floating along being pushed and pulled by the current and whims of the weather is no longer an option. My boat of life is being captained again. I feel like I am searching for more, struggling with less. A chasm that must no longer be ignored is there. I am building the bridge this year. Last year was the discovery, this year is building.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Art... no education required!
Art enriches the world around us, and yet modern society seems to value it so little. No time for appreciation of artistic endeavours, as though it was something reserved for the rich, cultured and educated. To this I say PAH! What is art? "the use of skill and imagination in the creation of aesthetic objects, environments, or experiences that can be shared with others" (Britannica Online) is one explanation. However, one explanation I found online was simpler and I like it much better. The explanation was "Art is form, and Art is content". This means that the form is the aesthetic shape that it has taken, the space in real-time if you will-- and the content is what perhaps the artist intended to convey, the feelings it evokes and how it affects us. I thought initially that this was a clear way to define art from craft. But as I typed along and completed the thought I realized, that crafts can have both form and embrace the elements of art, and they can provide a commentary or evoke an emotion. One only need think of reproductions of classic ornaments.... when we see them we are thrown backwards in time. The artist/craftsperson has created a sense of nostalgia. How can that not be art? So the tricky part then becomes, how do we split the schlock from the art?
I saw an exhibit recently that was what I initially thought was rather terribly and pathetic. It did not suit the space in which it was shown, the sculpture had form but failed to evoke any content even as I struggled to find it. The second exhibit was craft-y and kitschy in form-- yet the content was very artistic and pushing the envelope. What is the balance? I am thinking that perhaps what defines art for me is something that draws me in due to its form, and strikes some deeper level in the moment of observation. Most importantly, when I leave I still can revisit that piece of art in my mind and be impacted by it. Do you need a degree to observe shape, form, colour, space etc etc? Nope. And when it comes to content you only need be connected and able to communicate your experience. I hope after reading you will perhaps think of "art" you have seen and been moved my-- good or bad. My one wish is to see the craftsperson once again be revered for their skill and admired as an artist in their own medium... the cabinetmakers, the carpenters, the tile guys you lay an intricate mosaic floor.... Lets bring beauty back to our world and ditch the utilitarianism of suburbia, big box stores, slapped up houses, Walmart..... and express our own selves a little more in the every day. Buck that conformity friends.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
After a While...
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
You learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.
You begin to learn that kisses are not contracts and presents are not promises.
You begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of an adult and not the grief of a child.
You learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine hurts if you get to much.
So, plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you'll learn that you really can endure.
That you really are strong.
You really do have worth.
*** I found this on a scrap of paper as I packed up things for moving. Interesting how things find us at the right time. The time for me being a search for a balance between doing everything for others and being selfish. Trying to find that balance. To find my worth and believe in it.
You learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.
You begin to learn that kisses are not contracts and presents are not promises.
You begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of an adult and not the grief of a child.
You learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine hurts if you get to much.
So, plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you'll learn that you really can endure.
That you really are strong.
You really do have worth.
*** I found this on a scrap of paper as I packed up things for moving. Interesting how things find us at the right time. The time for me being a search for a balance between doing everything for others and being selfish. Trying to find that balance. To find my worth and believe in it.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Friday the 13th-- Port Dover Style!
Imagine, going through life not knowing that not too far away was a cult event.... a cult event that springs up only on Friday the 13th and involves thousands of people. I had no idea of this phenomena, until moving not far from Port Dover and being stunned by the roar of Harley motorcyles heading through town. For five years I said I would go and 'check it out' and didn't. With the impending move, I figured I had better-- now or never!
What a spectacle. What a diverse crowd. A sea of black clothing, my red sweatshirt sticking out like a beacon saying "hey, white-middle-class-chick here to observe the craziness and take pictures"!!! I have never in my life seen the sheer volume of motorcycles. It was incredible! Beautiful machines, shiny, colourful, and many were very artistic. Some, not so much!
The people were interesting. Had I been in the mood, I could have just people watched and taken candids of people. But the gloss and glitter of the 'bikes had me hooked. OOOoooh, how I would love one. The people ranged from the expected biker clubs, the Hell's Angels, but in all honesty-- it was a really 'normal' crowd of people who have a motorcycle hobby. Lets be honest, the average age is 40+ because these bikes and gear are not for the poor! It was an event, one I had a great time at. Next time I go I will be less google eyed and more focused (and will bring a step ladder to get better shots!).
What a spectacle. What a diverse crowd. A sea of black clothing, my red sweatshirt sticking out like a beacon saying "hey, white-middle-class-chick here to observe the craziness and take pictures"!!! I have never in my life seen the sheer volume of motorcycles. It was incredible! Beautiful machines, shiny, colourful, and many were very artistic. Some, not so much!
The people were interesting. Had I been in the mood, I could have just people watched and taken candids of people. But the gloss and glitter of the 'bikes had me hooked. OOOoooh, how I would love one. The people ranged from the expected biker clubs, the Hell's Angels, but in all honesty-- it was a really 'normal' crowd of people who have a motorcycle hobby. Lets be honest, the average age is 40+ because these bikes and gear are not for the poor! It was an event, one I had a great time at. Next time I go I will be less google eyed and more focused (and will bring a step ladder to get better shots!).
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Remembrance Day
As I raise two young children I often work to bridge the reality of the adult world with the reality that a child understands. This week the challenge has been to explain the gravity and why's of Remembrance Day. One thing that hit me is that our day of honour is not called Veteran's Day. Meaning, that we could alter the focus of this day slightly to make it more accessible. As the years pass, children have no connection through Grandparents about the war. The pictures of WW1 and 2 are not as prominent in publications. The stories are a little less relevent (or so it seems) in this ever changing and expanding world. My proposal is to better link the past with the present, and the efforts in the present to secure the future. Huh you say?
Why not continue to educate about the reasons for our involvement in WW1 and 2. The violation of rights, the abuse and strategic murder of a population. That there is a moral requirement to stand up when others are not able to stand up for themselves. Then take this day to honour those who stood up as young men and women to try and make changes. Then move to the present. Focus on the freedoms we have, and the people who help ensure those freedoms. Look at those who have less than us, and why there continues to be fighting and killing and we are involved. Why do we still fight? To protect, to ensure safety of civilians, to build a future for them? And finally, focus on real things we can do for the future. Eliminate racism, ethnicity related discrimination. Encourage tolerance and acceptance. Encourage all to learn to appreciate what makes us different.
A Day of Significance, with a significant role and goal is what I would like to see. If we cannot explain the reasons to our children for our involvement in aggressive behaviour, perhaps that is a sign to think twice.
Why not continue to educate about the reasons for our involvement in WW1 and 2. The violation of rights, the abuse and strategic murder of a population. That there is a moral requirement to stand up when others are not able to stand up for themselves. Then take this day to honour those who stood up as young men and women to try and make changes. Then move to the present. Focus on the freedoms we have, and the people who help ensure those freedoms. Look at those who have less than us, and why there continues to be fighting and killing and we are involved. Why do we still fight? To protect, to ensure safety of civilians, to build a future for them? And finally, focus on real things we can do for the future. Eliminate racism, ethnicity related discrimination. Encourage tolerance and acceptance. Encourage all to learn to appreciate what makes us different.
A Day of Significance, with a significant role and goal is what I would like to see. If we cannot explain the reasons to our children for our involvement in aggressive behaviour, perhaps that is a sign to think twice.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Energy
A lot of the self-help books, alternative spirituality movements and even 'the secret' has tapped into the concept of energy. Energy being something that cannot be destroyed, but is the basis of life as all living things are in constant state of energy. From what we do with our bodies, to the unseen energy that our thoughts create. Maybe the Hindu's had it right... our soul is just energy that is not destroyed but reborn. Who knows? Even in Christianity the soul and its release is a key concept, the soul cannot be destroyed-- our own unique personal energy.
"What goes around comes around"... a powerful statement on the energy in choices we make. It goes hand in hand with "what you put out is what you get back". For the last decade or so I have tried to be sure that what I put "out there" is positive energy and where possible, a true reflection of myself. I always try to see the best in others, and for the most part have been rewarded by wonderful people entering my life. Not always getting what I want, but usually getting things that have lead me alone a path which has been interesting. When talking with a friend this weekend, I realize that I am becoming more and more centred in those two beliefs and really and truly okay with just being me. I am so very far from perfect. I see each and every one of my faults clearly, and I struggle. Yet, I remind myself we all do this. When we look in the mirror we see ourselves not as others see us. We are lucky when people enter our lives that allow us to see that which others see. It can either terrify, or lift you up.
I am learning like most to just be okay with me, and trying to be okay in the NOW as I really cannot control the SOMEDAY. Even if that means working in a job that affords me happiness and personal fufillment, but not rising to upper middle class income and having the associated trappings of that. Happiness is really becoming a driving force. A force I feel driving inside me each day. The desire to be centred, happy in that space, creative and open to the experiences around me. Hmmm. Thoughts for today.
"What goes around comes around"... a powerful statement on the energy in choices we make. It goes hand in hand with "what you put out is what you get back". For the last decade or so I have tried to be sure that what I put "out there" is positive energy and where possible, a true reflection of myself. I always try to see the best in others, and for the most part have been rewarded by wonderful people entering my life. Not always getting what I want, but usually getting things that have lead me alone a path which has been interesting. When talking with a friend this weekend, I realize that I am becoming more and more centred in those two beliefs and really and truly okay with just being me. I am so very far from perfect. I see each and every one of my faults clearly, and I struggle. Yet, I remind myself we all do this. When we look in the mirror we see ourselves not as others see us. We are lucky when people enter our lives that allow us to see that which others see. It can either terrify, or lift you up.
I am learning like most to just be okay with me, and trying to be okay in the NOW as I really cannot control the SOMEDAY. Even if that means working in a job that affords me happiness and personal fufillment, but not rising to upper middle class income and having the associated trappings of that. Happiness is really becoming a driving force. A force I feel driving inside me each day. The desire to be centred, happy in that space, creative and open to the experiences around me. Hmmm. Thoughts for today.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Friday Catch-up
That is right, CATCH up, not KETCH up. Sadly. I have a number of things to do for work. Sort of need to prioritize, but have this feeling like I would really like to avoid that step because it may just reveal a massive amount of SOMETHING needing doing!
So my creativity time.... not going so well this week I must admit! I have taken some time out to read. Did take some time for photos and to upload them. I have a couple of ideas for a painting I would really like to do. Hmmm. Two people in the last two days requested that I submit a creative work for Auctioning to benefit non-profits. Why does this terrify me?? I think it must be that I question other's belief in my abilities and artistic talent. Silly, I know. I cannot help but hold myself up against others.... and be put in awe of their talent. That being said, I think I WILL make the jump and have a few shots transferred onto a canvas -- like a painting and submit them. Why not. If no one likes them, I need not know! Maybe one of the shots will move someone. Isn't that all we strive for when creating something? To express ourselves and touch another?
Where else am I at these days you ask.... Happy. Smiling. Feeling an inner glow-- despite the challenges of life. My Volunteer Management course inspires me every week. This week again it lit something inside me. Once again, the desire to pursue my Masters was lit. And an area of limited research is Volunteerism, but specifically looking at it in Rural Areas and how Urban Trends will play out at the Rural level. Oh, how much I want to jump in. I even looked at the MSc in Rural Studies at Guelph.... perhaps.... should apply... hmmmm. Why not?
So, there is my week in a nutshell! Documented for myself, and anyone else who cares to read. I will come back with a focused writing once I clear some of the paperwork, jobs and STUFF that seems to always need doing!
~We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations~ from DailyHappyDose on twitter!
So my creativity time.... not going so well this week I must admit! I have taken some time out to read. Did take some time for photos and to upload them. I have a couple of ideas for a painting I would really like to do. Hmmm. Two people in the last two days requested that I submit a creative work for Auctioning to benefit non-profits. Why does this terrify me?? I think it must be that I question other's belief in my abilities and artistic talent. Silly, I know. I cannot help but hold myself up against others.... and be put in awe of their talent. That being said, I think I WILL make the jump and have a few shots transferred onto a canvas -- like a painting and submit them. Why not. If no one likes them, I need not know! Maybe one of the shots will move someone. Isn't that all we strive for when creating something? To express ourselves and touch another?
Where else am I at these days you ask.... Happy. Smiling. Feeling an inner glow-- despite the challenges of life. My Volunteer Management course inspires me every week. This week again it lit something inside me. Once again, the desire to pursue my Masters was lit. And an area of limited research is Volunteerism, but specifically looking at it in Rural Areas and how Urban Trends will play out at the Rural level. Oh, how much I want to jump in. I even looked at the MSc in Rural Studies at Guelph.... perhaps.... should apply... hmmmm. Why not?
So, there is my week in a nutshell! Documented for myself, and anyone else who cares to read. I will come back with a focused writing once I clear some of the paperwork, jobs and STUFF that seems to always need doing!
~We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations~ from DailyHappyDose on twitter!
Monday, November 2, 2009
Dreams
I have been reading a book "Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life". It is a suprisingly good read. The irony being, that I was at the library looking at something else and the book fell off the shelf to me. Serendipity?
The chapter I read last night spoke about giving space to our dreams. Not interpreting them according to other's methods, but in relation to our own life. The author notes "dreaming is about waking up. The unconscious often knows things we don't, things that in the broad daylight of consciousness remain invisible to us, just as the stars play to an empty house during the day when the sun is shining. They are meaning machines and never lie."
The point of the chapter was to delve beyond the seeming ridiculous in our dreams (last night I was rushing topless through the library at the University in search of somewhere...) and find what the unconscious is struggling with. Am I feeling exposed? Part of me that I am both proud of and yet self-conscious of and not quite acceptable to the social norms is exposed in its entirety?
This chapter really struck me. As someone who had night terrors as a child, nightmares as an adult and very vivid dreams on a regular basis-- I think there is a validity of tuning in. For example, I dream regularly of my wallet being emptied: me being left with the shell, whereas all that has importance is gone. True, I fear losing myself, having the essence of who I am stripped of me. Another regular recurrence is having an essay of major proportions due to which I have no research done and have not attended class. I think this is rooted in being afraid of failure, or being set into a situation where others expect failure. The irony being that in the conscious world I never missed class, never left essays to the last minute. I see how our unconscious takes familiar situations and twists them to express our own inner fears or concerns.
What do you dream??
The chapter I read last night spoke about giving space to our dreams. Not interpreting them according to other's methods, but in relation to our own life. The author notes "dreaming is about waking up. The unconscious often knows things we don't, things that in the broad daylight of consciousness remain invisible to us, just as the stars play to an empty house during the day when the sun is shining. They are meaning machines and never lie."
The point of the chapter was to delve beyond the seeming ridiculous in our dreams (last night I was rushing topless through the library at the University in search of somewhere...) and find what the unconscious is struggling with. Am I feeling exposed? Part of me that I am both proud of and yet self-conscious of and not quite acceptable to the social norms is exposed in its entirety?
This chapter really struck me. As someone who had night terrors as a child, nightmares as an adult and very vivid dreams on a regular basis-- I think there is a validity of tuning in. For example, I dream regularly of my wallet being emptied: me being left with the shell, whereas all that has importance is gone. True, I fear losing myself, having the essence of who I am stripped of me. Another regular recurrence is having an essay of major proportions due to which I have no research done and have not attended class. I think this is rooted in being afraid of failure, or being set into a situation where others expect failure. The irony being that in the conscious world I never missed class, never left essays to the last minute. I see how our unconscious takes familiar situations and twists them to express our own inner fears or concerns.
What do you dream??