I am in search of a way to be here, right now, and to be okay with the here and now. Today as I stumbled along doing the usual Monday morning requirements I thought of how hard it is to be in the now when it is not enjoyable. As I walk my kids to school I am completely in the now, enjoying there chatter and comments and the way the sun catching their faces. I was breathing in the smell of cool moisture on blossoming plants after a night rain. Everything was good. Easy to be there at that moment, right?
Then home to my office I walk. When work tasks pile up and I can plough through them and mark them as completed, I am in the now. I like to work. Partly because I have such a challenging job which forces me to engage personally and intellectually. To reach out to others. But when the work backs off in it's demands to where do I turn in the now?
Can I be still and happy? Not sure. Too much time with my thoughts I am learning is not a good thing. Perhaps because I know there are things I 'should' do and am not. This is one thing said to me by a therapist in the past. What happens when you slow down and do less? Hmmm. Not sure I want to know is the answer!
That said, what I do brings me to live in the here. Perhaps not the here that I might need to give attention to.... but the here and now of my children. The here and now of me learning and building a career I love. Trying to do what is right, make good choices. I know there are many things inside me I am not listening to or attending to, but sometimes we just can't. Sometimes we have to put others before our own here and now I think.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Those people you were meant to meet
Have you ever met someone and knew it wasn't just a coincidence? That you were meant to meet. That you were actually tuning in to something that you couldn't quite understand fully with the limited capacity of the human mind
When opening my blog management page this statement jumped out at me from a blog I enjoy reading. Whoa. Do I ever. I happen to have this feeling that people come and bring lessons into our lives. Often the it is those people you just "know you were meant to meet". That pause seems to happen and you can recall meeting or a turning point from when the exchange between you marked a 'moment'.
Doesn't mean we are not affected by the less earth shaking entries into our lives. We all have friends, even family, acquaintances etc who are lovely and enrich our lives in some way. But they do not hold a significant space in the experiences that have shaped the 'I' of who you currently are. I am lucky, one of those people in my life I can freely say without fear of exposing them is my brother. We connect on an unusual level. That cementing moment when we at ages of 5 and 8, shook hands out in our backyard.... agreeing never to rat the other out to the parents. Always and cover each others back. Turned out to be a damn smart move. But also one that extended well into teenage years and beyond. He's go my back, I got his. He is always honest and to the core, and is able to piss me off more than I think anyone else in the world is capable! But, he gets it. He is the constant of my childhood and is there in many significant moments.
The two closest friends I had in 3rd year University when I lost my Mum were very important to who I became. One wrote me a poem about the "pen being mightier than the sword" and the other gave me a copy of Khalil Gibran's "The Prophet". They gave me space to share academia and ideas freely. They supported and gave love. Helped me in many wise ways and most importantly allowed me space to process the loss and accepted it. Those people were very important. Both came into my life coincidentally in a Lecture Hall at the U of W. No pre-planning. I recall hopping fences and coffee. Paused moments.
I think of my close friend who I met in Tburg. We came from similar family backgrounds, had kids the same ages, similar education. Met many times, yet it was a friendly conversation in an aisle at Shoppers which is the paused moment with her. The moment that the connect was there. This friend is one of the most amazing I have ever had because she gives equally to the friendship. She is loyal and honest and supportive beyond any friend I have met. She is amazing and makes me feel good about myself and our very cool friendship.
I think of the paused moments of others. A smile that connected through a car window. First hi. Someones smile you can always recall.
Or the moment I was finally able to hold my son for the first time and his tiny head fit under my chin and I could cup his diapered bum in one hand between my breasts. A pause. Bedtime snuggles with my sweet pea.
This year has been one of major changes, realizations, challenge and joy. Some really interesting people have helped me learn important lessons. My new job has been instrumental in some big realizations about who I am and my strengths balanced by my weaknesses. Each of these lessons came with a person.
When opening my blog management page this statement jumped out at me from a blog I enjoy reading. Whoa. Do I ever. I happen to have this feeling that people come and bring lessons into our lives. Often the it is those people you just "know you were meant to meet". That pause seems to happen and you can recall meeting or a turning point from when the exchange between you marked a 'moment'.
Doesn't mean we are not affected by the less earth shaking entries into our lives. We all have friends, even family, acquaintances etc who are lovely and enrich our lives in some way. But they do not hold a significant space in the experiences that have shaped the 'I' of who you currently are. I am lucky, one of those people in my life I can freely say without fear of exposing them is my brother. We connect on an unusual level. That cementing moment when we at ages of 5 and 8, shook hands out in our backyard.... agreeing never to rat the other out to the parents. Always and cover each others back. Turned out to be a damn smart move. But also one that extended well into teenage years and beyond. He's go my back, I got his. He is always honest and to the core, and is able to piss me off more than I think anyone else in the world is capable! But, he gets it. He is the constant of my childhood and is there in many significant moments.
The two closest friends I had in 3rd year University when I lost my Mum were very important to who I became. One wrote me a poem about the "pen being mightier than the sword" and the other gave me a copy of Khalil Gibran's "The Prophet". They gave me space to share academia and ideas freely. They supported and gave love. Helped me in many wise ways and most importantly allowed me space to process the loss and accepted it. Those people were very important. Both came into my life coincidentally in a Lecture Hall at the U of W. No pre-planning. I recall hopping fences and coffee. Paused moments.
I think of my close friend who I met in Tburg. We came from similar family backgrounds, had kids the same ages, similar education. Met many times, yet it was a friendly conversation in an aisle at Shoppers which is the paused moment with her. The moment that the connect was there. This friend is one of the most amazing I have ever had because she gives equally to the friendship. She is loyal and honest and supportive beyond any friend I have met. She is amazing and makes me feel good about myself and our very cool friendship.
I think of the paused moments of others. A smile that connected through a car window. First hi. Someones smile you can always recall.
Or the moment I was finally able to hold my son for the first time and his tiny head fit under my chin and I could cup his diapered bum in one hand between my breasts. A pause. Bedtime snuggles with my sweet pea.
This year has been one of major changes, realizations, challenge and joy. Some really interesting people have helped me learn important lessons. My new job has been instrumental in some big realizations about who I am and my strengths balanced by my weaknesses. Each of these lessons came with a person.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
One person's experience is not another's
I listened to an incredible interview between Jian Ghomeshi and K'Naan the other night while driving home. You can watch it here....K'naan interview
I was struck by how much he embodied what an artist is. To be driven to do something because of what is in you. He said he is driven to write and make music because it is something that comes from within him. What hit me to the core was how he kept saying that he continues to seek the meaning of why. Why here? Why success? Why now? Amazed at his impact on others, yet he openly said the stories of others touch him but are not what he thinks of when he writes.
K'naan spoke on giving everything when performing and then feeling no warmth left afterwards. To need to re-collect. To some extent I completely understand this feeling when you do something with all that you are and then, you have nothing. I so strongly identified with this as everything I have ever done that has a feeling of success or 'right-ness' in the doing has left me with a sense of this. When I teach or present, I give a peice of myself. I am not able to half ass it, not able to just push a button for a job. I simply am driven to be who I am, express it, reach out and connect. A blessing. A curse.... who knows. It is.
His struggles with darkness and depression and anxiety, his struggle with to find its meaning and place in his life -- this struck me. More and more people are opening up about their own mental/internal demons and I am amazed how much we all share the same issues and concerns. What is most incredible about the interview is the beauty of K'naan's persona... a poet who contains his pain and experiences as a refugee etc by encapsulating it in music
Lyrics | Knaan lyrics - Take A Minute lyrics
I was struck by how much he embodied what an artist is. To be driven to do something because of what is in you. He said he is driven to write and make music because it is something that comes from within him. What hit me to the core was how he kept saying that he continues to seek the meaning of why. Why here? Why success? Why now? Amazed at his impact on others, yet he openly said the stories of others touch him but are not what he thinks of when he writes.
K'naan spoke on giving everything when performing and then feeling no warmth left afterwards. To need to re-collect. To some extent I completely understand this feeling when you do something with all that you are and then, you have nothing. I so strongly identified with this as everything I have ever done that has a feeling of success or 'right-ness' in the doing has left me with a sense of this. When I teach or present, I give a peice of myself. I am not able to half ass it, not able to just push a button for a job. I simply am driven to be who I am, express it, reach out and connect. A blessing. A curse.... who knows. It is.
His struggles with darkness and depression and anxiety, his struggle with to find its meaning and place in his life -- this struck me. More and more people are opening up about their own mental/internal demons and I am amazed how much we all share the same issues and concerns. What is most incredible about the interview is the beauty of K'naan's persona... a poet who contains his pain and experiences as a refugee etc by encapsulating it in music
Lyrics | Knaan lyrics - Take A Minute lyrics
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