As time goes by

...Every day you get older, that same day is a lesser percentage of your life.  Strange thought.  Remember being that kid, watching the clock at school slowly tick tick tick.... as you waiting through the seemingly endless minutes until the end of day.  Or recess. Or Friday. 

Then you become an adult.  In this day and age that seems to mean rush here, there and everywhere.  Endeavor to get it all done, balance this with that and do it ALL without dropping the ball.  Ha.  Dropping the ball is inevitable at some point - hopefully you are resiliant enough to withstand the impact.

Summer is finally here, the programs I oversee are up and running, staff are trained and working away and hopefully, I can now catch my breath.  There is something reassuring about being uber-busy, the reassuring part is that you are too busy or too tired to worry about the less stable components of your aka- personal stuff.

While time is great at healing wounds, it also plays tricks on us.  Smoothing over the less than perfect parts and highlighting the good stuff.  This happens with friendships, past intimate relationships, or even with work stuff.  Why is it that being AWARE of this does not diminish its strength!

I have let time go by, and while I know that perhaps these friendships are better left in the past I still feel unsettled about them.  Like that relationship was a book where I left the last chapter unread.  Closed hastily with a temporary page marker shoved in.  My expectations are few, if any, should I reconnect and revisit the novel of my past.  Who I am today is a wiser person.  Yet, that wiser person still wishes for closure and confirmation. 

Time may go by.  Memories may fade while other become changed as we recall them.  People come, people go.  Some leave an indelible mark.  Others footprints are simply blown away by the breeze.  I know I should not need any confirmation of the impact- I feel it almost daily.  Guess its the proof that we humans are imperfect at best.  And no amount of time will change that very real fact.

Stress for Sale

It seems like I have been walking up hill in 2013.  Challenges have popped out from behind rocks as my partner and I rennovate a century home.... as I try to tame my stress at work.... and as I try to balance my finances.  This is not to say there have not been a few level spots, but the vast majority of the last 4 and a bit months have been so exhausting.  I am exhausted.  Totally and mindnumbingly. 

It was a question posed by a new staff member when I was muttering about my blood pressure challenges that stopped me and has continued to echo in my head.  The question was "what do you do to relax?".  All I could come up with was sleep.  SLEEP!  How pathetic!  LOL.  Sometimes I read was my half hearted attempt to not be AS pathetic. 

Wonder what has torn me so far away from some of the things I DO enjoy?  Perhaps just the pace of life.  Not many books have been read lately, not many pictures taken.  I can't even get the gumption up to really try to do anything more creative than strip wallpaper or repair plaster walls!  Laughing at that one?  Terrible, I know.

My new effort is going to be to take 20 minutes every day just for me.  Silent time.  Breathing time.  I will get back to you on the effectiveness of that effort!

Can Mom's Go on Strike?

This morning I decided I would like to go on strike.  My son asked what that meant.  The explanation I came up with was that it was when people were unsatisfied with their work environment and the management wasnt about to change it.  Funny to think of my personal life being managed by others (like my kids) but that sort of is the way it feels.  Lately, I feel like I give a helluva lot more out than I get.  To my kids, to friends and staff who are my friends, to family members etc.  In fact, I have a hard time remembering the last time I received much of any kind of gift.  Now remember, to me a gift is something given willingly (not asked for) that you do not otherwise have.  It could be hugs, a back rub when sore, that compliment or dinner made when least expected. 

How is it we get ourselves into this?  Why is it some people (me and maybe you?) give and give and give until feeling dry and parched?  Not sure, but I do know it must mean I am not balancing my life.  I know without doubt there is too much work going on in my life.  Then again, when you do what you love and love what you do - at least it can be an extension of your passion.

I am thinking perhaps I too need to stop and consider once again what it is that I dream of.  Some things hold no allure (fancy cars, houses, or "stuff") but what still is shiny and bright in my imagination?  What makes me tingle with excitement?  It has been a while since I have felt that.  Suppose I need to stop.  Stop. and. pause. for. reflection. 

Hopefully I can find time in the garden.  To dig, feel the soil between my fingers and see growth and renewal, the sun warming my back..... and in that effort let my brain stop tapping away and just be.