When it rains, it pours. Just when you think you have had enough, more comes. murphy's law. All of the above seem to apply to me, making me reel.
As if questioning my place in my own life, my purpose, my path was not enough I struggle to balance the demands of the rest of my life. It is when I slow, crap happens. And it did. I had a feeling it was developing for a few days now. Personal stuff and work stuff. Can I just avoid it all??? This is what I would LIKE to do, but I won't. I demand honesty. I need it. I need to know to bare honest truth so that I can weigh it, take the lesson from it and move on.
I am managing that with work issues. Tough when what you deliver is YOURSELF. The reality of the work I do. When complaints come in, they are complaints about YOU, and they always boil down to the essence of who you are. I have been left thinking on whether intelligence, confidence, strong personality, strength, passion are fault or fabulous. My conclusion? Every strength is equally a weakness. Like the rules of relativity. So, can I change who I am? Should I? Should I be concerned with other's reactions to my efforts? As I dig my way through the muck and pain, I think it is a 50/50 thing. Yes, I should strip the stinging criticisms away, and look to the root. How can I improve? Be more accommodating? And learn from what did not work? This allows me to take the lesson and distance the strike at me personally. Isnt it funny how one person complaining can undo all the compliments received previously? Ahhhh. I am working hard to take the good lesson, leave the chaff. It is coming.
Personal stuff, never as clear cut. What is mine? What is theirs? Where am i in this whole thing and where are they? Good is relative to the reality in which you live.... one that you have carefully constructed! I need my honesty, nothing hidden... just straight goods no matter how hurtful. Most others are better knowing the truth, though not the brutal soul crushing parts. Funny that I am willing to take the soul crushing info in order to move forward. Yes unwilling to deliver it as it would stay with me forever. Some things better left unsaid. All I want is clarity.
Why is all this so hard? Is this part of what it means to work through your issues and move towards self awareness and higher consciousness? If so, it really is a shit go. I am sending all the positivity and love that IS within me and I know in time, it will come back. I will not stop loving, trying, striving, learning no matter the harshness of reality. Though, reality really bites sometimes.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Being Here Now
I am in search of a way to be here, right now, and to be okay with the here and now. Today as I stumbled along doing the usual Monday morning requirements I thought of how hard it is to be in the now when it is not enjoyable. As I walk my kids to school I am completely in the now, enjoying there chatter and comments and the way the sun catching their faces. I was breathing in the smell of cool moisture on blossoming plants after a night rain. Everything was good. Easy to be there at that moment, right?
Then home to my office I walk. When work tasks pile up and I can plough through them and mark them as completed, I am in the now. I like to work. Partly because I have such a challenging job which forces me to engage personally and intellectually. To reach out to others. But when the work backs off in it's demands to where do I turn in the now?
Can I be still and happy? Not sure. Too much time with my thoughts I am learning is not a good thing. Perhaps because I know there are things I 'should' do and am not. This is one thing said to me by a therapist in the past. What happens when you slow down and do less? Hmmm. Not sure I want to know is the answer!
That said, what I do brings me to live in the here. Perhaps not the here that I might need to give attention to.... but the here and now of my children. The here and now of me learning and building a career I love. Trying to do what is right, make good choices. I know there are many things inside me I am not listening to or attending to, but sometimes we just can't. Sometimes we have to put others before our own here and now I think.
Then home to my office I walk. When work tasks pile up and I can plough through them and mark them as completed, I am in the now. I like to work. Partly because I have such a challenging job which forces me to engage personally and intellectually. To reach out to others. But when the work backs off in it's demands to where do I turn in the now?
Can I be still and happy? Not sure. Too much time with my thoughts I am learning is not a good thing. Perhaps because I know there are things I 'should' do and am not. This is one thing said to me by a therapist in the past. What happens when you slow down and do less? Hmmm. Not sure I want to know is the answer!
That said, what I do brings me to live in the here. Perhaps not the here that I might need to give attention to.... but the here and now of my children. The here and now of me learning and building a career I love. Trying to do what is right, make good choices. I know there are many things inside me I am not listening to or attending to, but sometimes we just can't. Sometimes we have to put others before our own here and now I think.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Those people you were meant to meet
Have you ever met someone and knew it wasn't just a coincidence? That you were meant to meet. That you were actually tuning in to something that you couldn't quite understand fully with the limited capacity of the human mind
When opening my blog management page this statement jumped out at me from a blog I enjoy reading. Whoa. Do I ever. I happen to have this feeling that people come and bring lessons into our lives. Often the it is those people you just "know you were meant to meet". That pause seems to happen and you can recall meeting or a turning point from when the exchange between you marked a 'moment'.
Doesn't mean we are not affected by the less earth shaking entries into our lives. We all have friends, even family, acquaintances etc who are lovely and enrich our lives in some way. But they do not hold a significant space in the experiences that have shaped the 'I' of who you currently are. I am lucky, one of those people in my life I can freely say without fear of exposing them is my brother. We connect on an unusual level. That cementing moment when we at ages of 5 and 8, shook hands out in our backyard.... agreeing never to rat the other out to the parents. Always and cover each others back. Turned out to be a damn smart move. But also one that extended well into teenage years and beyond. He's go my back, I got his. He is always honest and to the core, and is able to piss me off more than I think anyone else in the world is capable! But, he gets it. He is the constant of my childhood and is there in many significant moments.
The two closest friends I had in 3rd year University when I lost my Mum were very important to who I became. One wrote me a poem about the "pen being mightier than the sword" and the other gave me a copy of Khalil Gibran's "The Prophet". They gave me space to share academia and ideas freely. They supported and gave love. Helped me in many wise ways and most importantly allowed me space to process the loss and accepted it. Those people were very important. Both came into my life coincidentally in a Lecture Hall at the U of W. No pre-planning. I recall hopping fences and coffee. Paused moments.
I think of my close friend who I met in Tburg. We came from similar family backgrounds, had kids the same ages, similar education. Met many times, yet it was a friendly conversation in an aisle at Shoppers which is the paused moment with her. The moment that the connect was there. This friend is one of the most amazing I have ever had because she gives equally to the friendship. She is loyal and honest and supportive beyond any friend I have met. She is amazing and makes me feel good about myself and our very cool friendship.
I think of the paused moments of others. A smile that connected through a car window. First hi. Someones smile you can always recall.
Or the moment I was finally able to hold my son for the first time and his tiny head fit under my chin and I could cup his diapered bum in one hand between my breasts. A pause. Bedtime snuggles with my sweet pea.
This year has been one of major changes, realizations, challenge and joy. Some really interesting people have helped me learn important lessons. My new job has been instrumental in some big realizations about who I am and my strengths balanced by my weaknesses. Each of these lessons came with a person.
When opening my blog management page this statement jumped out at me from a blog I enjoy reading. Whoa. Do I ever. I happen to have this feeling that people come and bring lessons into our lives. Often the it is those people you just "know you were meant to meet". That pause seems to happen and you can recall meeting or a turning point from when the exchange between you marked a 'moment'.
Doesn't mean we are not affected by the less earth shaking entries into our lives. We all have friends, even family, acquaintances etc who are lovely and enrich our lives in some way. But they do not hold a significant space in the experiences that have shaped the 'I' of who you currently are. I am lucky, one of those people in my life I can freely say without fear of exposing them is my brother. We connect on an unusual level. That cementing moment when we at ages of 5 and 8, shook hands out in our backyard.... agreeing never to rat the other out to the parents. Always and cover each others back. Turned out to be a damn smart move. But also one that extended well into teenage years and beyond. He's go my back, I got his. He is always honest and to the core, and is able to piss me off more than I think anyone else in the world is capable! But, he gets it. He is the constant of my childhood and is there in many significant moments.
The two closest friends I had in 3rd year University when I lost my Mum were very important to who I became. One wrote me a poem about the "pen being mightier than the sword" and the other gave me a copy of Khalil Gibran's "The Prophet". They gave me space to share academia and ideas freely. They supported and gave love. Helped me in many wise ways and most importantly allowed me space to process the loss and accepted it. Those people were very important. Both came into my life coincidentally in a Lecture Hall at the U of W. No pre-planning. I recall hopping fences and coffee. Paused moments.
I think of my close friend who I met in Tburg. We came from similar family backgrounds, had kids the same ages, similar education. Met many times, yet it was a friendly conversation in an aisle at Shoppers which is the paused moment with her. The moment that the connect was there. This friend is one of the most amazing I have ever had because she gives equally to the friendship. She is loyal and honest and supportive beyond any friend I have met. She is amazing and makes me feel good about myself and our very cool friendship.
I think of the paused moments of others. A smile that connected through a car window. First hi. Someones smile you can always recall.
Or the moment I was finally able to hold my son for the first time and his tiny head fit under my chin and I could cup his diapered bum in one hand between my breasts. A pause. Bedtime snuggles with my sweet pea.
This year has been one of major changes, realizations, challenge and joy. Some really interesting people have helped me learn important lessons. My new job has been instrumental in some big realizations about who I am and my strengths balanced by my weaknesses. Each of these lessons came with a person.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)