And none of it will have anything to do with you.
*** So true. This struck a chord deep within me. When we love or hate someone, it is a choice we make as an individual. When we make this choice, what the subject of our love does often is just a part of it. So in turn, people may love us or not... but we cannot force or compel them to do either. They choose their reaction to us.
Another quote I recently got via Twitter was "When you judge another, you do not define them-- you define yourself". It relates to the first quote. We cannot choose how others behave, but we can choose our reactions and judgements. Perhaps just the suspension of judgement allows us to evolve a little more.
Think on. Keep questioning. Find that inner you.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Manners... PLEASE!
As I get older, I realize more and more the impact my Mother has had on me. One of those areas is manners. Such an underrated, but clearly essential skill. From a young age, we were taught how to eat with knife and fork and at a formal table setting. I was lectured on "sitting like a lady" and being lady-like. (stop laughing you!) We were coached on how to politely greet adults, and when as children we were permitted to engage with adults. Sometimes I am gobsmacked by our society's all out lack of manners. It is simple things like taking out earbuds when speaking with someone, not looking people in the eye when talking to them, calling adults Mr. or Mrs. and not assuming a first name will suffice.
I admit, I am lax with my own kids about some things. Dinner table manners are somewhat looser, though we do sit as a family for meals. It is when little things add up that I wonder just "where the heck did these people grow up!!??" Which, is a very class-based assumption, I admit. But, as my Mum always said.... being classy does not cost you anything. Ask anyone who knew me as a child, first comment will likely be what a lovely and polite child I was. We were coached on how to act within social circles of old money beyond our own social standing. Now that old money is no big deal, I am finding the more affluent members of society are ruder and ruder. Weird. I can almost hear my mother scoff "nouveau riche!".
So my simple rules that I wish everyone followed....
1. Be on time, or call if you cannot be on time.
2. Be your word, keep your word. Bring back personal responsibility.
3. Say please and thank you, even to cashiers.
4. Hold the door for others.
5. Don't make a scene in a restaurant when something goes wrong. Understand everyone makes mistakes.
6. Identify yourself when you call, even if you think the other person knows it is you.
7. DO NOT TALK TO ME when you have ear buds in!
8. Call your elders by Mr or Mrs until invited to do otherwise. Extend respect.
9. Do not make assumptions about who pays for meals etc. Always offer to cover your part regardless.
10. Be kind and follow the golden rule when possible.
I admit, I am lax with my own kids about some things. Dinner table manners are somewhat looser, though we do sit as a family for meals. It is when little things add up that I wonder just "where the heck did these people grow up!!??" Which, is a very class-based assumption, I admit. But, as my Mum always said.... being classy does not cost you anything. Ask anyone who knew me as a child, first comment will likely be what a lovely and polite child I was. We were coached on how to act within social circles of old money beyond our own social standing. Now that old money is no big deal, I am finding the more affluent members of society are ruder and ruder. Weird. I can almost hear my mother scoff "nouveau riche!".
So my simple rules that I wish everyone followed....
1. Be on time, or call if you cannot be on time.
2. Be your word, keep your word. Bring back personal responsibility.
3. Say please and thank you, even to cashiers.
4. Hold the door for others.
5. Don't make a scene in a restaurant when something goes wrong. Understand everyone makes mistakes.
6. Identify yourself when you call, even if you think the other person knows it is you.
7. DO NOT TALK TO ME when you have ear buds in!
8. Call your elders by Mr or Mrs until invited to do otherwise. Extend respect.
9. Do not make assumptions about who pays for meals etc. Always offer to cover your part regardless.
10. Be kind and follow the golden rule when possible.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Winter Grey, Not Winter Blues!
It never ceases to amaze me how we can become consumed with the day to day duties of life. The running of a household, keeping on top of work, trying to be a good spouse/parent. There are enough 'things' to keep you busy, moving and occupied. And no matter how hard I try to fill the mid-winter blue and irritable space in me with mindless duties..... it creeps back in.
The thing about anxiety and depression is that it is a part of you that is always there. You can be happy, enjoying a moment and that component of you is quelled. For now. All can be going splendidly but if you are quiet... within that solitude also creeps that darkness. Darkness is always within, always there. It is a force difficult to describe. When it rears up, it is like a too tight neckline chafing and irritating. You KNOW you can take it off, but the irritation has already started. And when you do, it transfers itself to a tag in your pants... you can never eliminate it.
The hardest part? The self-recriminations, assault of failures and questions of future success. It is no wonder when the beast creeps in we want to sleep. Just close our eyes and drift somewhere else, hoping that when we awake it will be better. For those of us who are all too aware of our psyche, we balance our 'academic knowledge' of it being an ever changing thing with the current and pressing reality.
For me the hard part? I am a deeply positive person and believe in others, the world and the ability of things to generally turn out well. I see opportunities for others and delight in the happiness around me. Yet for some weird reason I am terrified to let to much in. Perhaps for fear that I will get used to it only to have it ripped out from under me again....
I think my life challenge is learning to deal with this deep anxiety and doubt within me, allow it to question but not rule my life. To learn to see in myself what good others see. Truly I don't see it, and because i am a tough cookie and a giver most people never think to tell me they love, appreciate, miss, or want me. And I try never to NOT say these to those I care about. I suppose, I give others what I myself want as I struggle in the dark winter months. I give others the encouragement, the ego supporting feedback and the expressions of caring. I know it is there for me, I just need to remind myself to OPEN THE DOOR!
The thing about anxiety and depression is that it is a part of you that is always there. You can be happy, enjoying a moment and that component of you is quelled. For now. All can be going splendidly but if you are quiet... within that solitude also creeps that darkness. Darkness is always within, always there. It is a force difficult to describe. When it rears up, it is like a too tight neckline chafing and irritating. You KNOW you can take it off, but the irritation has already started. And when you do, it transfers itself to a tag in your pants... you can never eliminate it.
The hardest part? The self-recriminations, assault of failures and questions of future success. It is no wonder when the beast creeps in we want to sleep. Just close our eyes and drift somewhere else, hoping that when we awake it will be better. For those of us who are all too aware of our psyche, we balance our 'academic knowledge' of it being an ever changing thing with the current and pressing reality.
For me the hard part? I am a deeply positive person and believe in others, the world and the ability of things to generally turn out well. I see opportunities for others and delight in the happiness around me. Yet for some weird reason I am terrified to let to much in. Perhaps for fear that I will get used to it only to have it ripped out from under me again....
I think my life challenge is learning to deal with this deep anxiety and doubt within me, allow it to question but not rule my life. To learn to see in myself what good others see. Truly I don't see it, and because i am a tough cookie and a giver most people never think to tell me they love, appreciate, miss, or want me. And I try never to NOT say these to those I care about. I suppose, I give others what I myself want as I struggle in the dark winter months. I give others the encouragement, the ego supporting feedback and the expressions of caring. I know it is there for me, I just need to remind myself to OPEN THE DOOR!
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