Still Got It...

I had an afternoon of touching that feeling you have when you are a kid. The 'moment', the pure enjoyment.... What triggered it? Leading a mountain biking trail ride with a pack of pre-teen kids. I admit, when I arrived on site I was a little concerned I would be too tame for these kids, as they tricked out and did jumps. But when I hit the trail I remembered why I love this kind of biking. It is a thinking and focused endeavor. You have to use eyes to see roots and rocks, and still be planning your course ahead. When you get straightaways you muscle it and feel the burn. On inclines to crouch low into your bike and feel the texture of the ground through the vibrations of your bike. Delicious. "Going the Distance" was playing in my head as I lead the pack of boys.... eager to show me up.

They deftly manouver and muscle for rank,
Fuel burning fast on an empty tank,
Wreckless and wild they pour thru the turns,
Their prowess is potent and secretly stern

Yet, it was not I asking for a break at the end of trail one. Score one for the old lady..... YEAH! When we reached the final trail and were winding through switchbacks I actually yelled aloud from the sheer enjoyment of it. Damn, it was that good. Have to figure out ways to get that sensation more often. When we got back to site the kids guzzled drinks, and I stretched. I took out two more runs of kids and by the end of the day felt tired, exhilarated and good-- I still got it. Baby.

Precious

I was thinking as I lay in bed this morning of the things that are indescribable or so delicious in their sensation...

• snuggling a sleeping child curled against you
• the gap between being asleep and fully awake in the morning
• laying in a tent, snuggled in a sleeping bag at dawn with cold air nipping your nose.
• a kiss that is done just so, that touches and draws and makes you want more
• having my neck and ears rubbed
• being happy and driving with the music blasting and having no thoughts except the moment
• skinny dipping at night
• curled up reading a great book with sun streaming in a window
• entwined limbs when you fit against someone just so
• being hugged and feeling completely enveloped and safe
  

On being an adult...

Remember when being an adult was so appealing? When it seemed to be the place 'to be' in life? To make your own choices, to lead your own life, to be your own wo/man? Yah, me too. Not all it's cracked up to be is it?

I look at my kids, and am amazed. They are fabulous, wonderful little creatures who have changed me immeasurably. The depth of love for your children is indescribable. The stress they bring indescribable too!! I look at the path my life has taken from one place to another and am beginning to see the flow... the lines are beginning to connect between the dots. I am seeing the reasons behind the lessons I have had to learn, both good and bad.

Yet, I sit here today (and honestly the last few) wishing I could revert to being about 7 or 8 years old. Back when clothes were clean, meals served, you went to summer camp, played outside and your brother was one of your best friends and life was pretty simple. No big emotional questions loomed. No threats of failure. This being an adult is not all it is cracked up to be.

I remember when I had Liam (the preemie) at the paediatrician's and she told me "only one area of the brain can develop at a time. If he is making major cognitive developments, the motor skills will be on hold". Why bring this up? Because I wonder if this rings true for life as an adult. When you experience professional success, the other areas get put on hold. Should you be kicking personal life ass, the rest will likely suck....

Damn, I wish there was a guidebook, a trail map, a list of rules or go to's for life as an adult. Being true to yourself is easier said than done. Still trying and striving for this while minimizing potential harm to those around me.

Sigh. Please can I just go back to grade 3?