And I am but a faded rainbow

Your absence has gone through me 

Like thread through a needle. 

Everything I do is stitched with its color.” 

― W.S. Merwin

How true this quote is. I am lonely.  Though not "technically" alone, I find myself back in the space where I was almost 4 years ago. Too much lonely space in an outwardly busy appearing life. It seems rather odd to be lonely feeling at this time of year where the sun shines bright and long, and the colours of nature are at their richest.  Life has its own path despite all our efforts to mould the path and direction.

The colours woven through me from the hands of fiends and lovers is what makes me unique, I suppose. I find lately there is a tinge of regret and perhaps longing that goes alongside of my "lonely".  A condiment that enhances my experience of the loneliness, ranging from sweet to bitter.  As I stand at this point, I just want to give in and up. Let be what will be. Then again, that's really just a way of defeating and sentencing the situation to a death. Guess I'm tired. Too much of a realist. Saddened by the fading thread colours and hoping that fading doesn't mean lacklustre.

After all, isn't it better to burn out than fade away?

As time goes by

...Every day you get older, that same day is a lesser percentage of your life.  Strange thought.  Remember being that kid, watching the clock at school slowly tick tick tick.... as you waiting through the seemingly endless minutes until the end of day.  Or recess. Or Friday. 

Then you become an adult.  In this day and age that seems to mean rush here, there and everywhere.  Endeavor to get it all done, balance this with that and do it ALL without dropping the ball.  Ha.  Dropping the ball is inevitable at some point - hopefully you are resiliant enough to withstand the impact.

Summer is finally here, the programs I oversee are up and running, staff are trained and working away and hopefully, I can now catch my breath.  There is something reassuring about being uber-busy, the reassuring part is that you are too busy or too tired to worry about the less stable components of your aka- personal stuff.

While time is great at healing wounds, it also plays tricks on us.  Smoothing over the less than perfect parts and highlighting the good stuff.  This happens with friendships, past intimate relationships, or even with work stuff.  Why is it that being AWARE of this does not diminish its strength!

I have let time go by, and while I know that perhaps these friendships are better left in the past I still feel unsettled about them.  Like that relationship was a book where I left the last chapter unread.  Closed hastily with a temporary page marker shoved in.  My expectations are few, if any, should I reconnect and revisit the novel of my past.  Who I am today is a wiser person.  Yet, that wiser person still wishes for closure and confirmation. 

Time may go by.  Memories may fade while other become changed as we recall them.  People come, people go.  Some leave an indelible mark.  Others footprints are simply blown away by the breeze.  I know I should not need any confirmation of the impact- I feel it almost daily.  Guess its the proof that we humans are imperfect at best.  And no amount of time will change that very real fact.

Stress for Sale

It seems like I have been walking up hill in 2013.  Challenges have popped out from behind rocks as my partner and I rennovate a century home.... as I try to tame my stress at work.... and as I try to balance my finances.  This is not to say there have not been a few level spots, but the vast majority of the last 4 and a bit months have been so exhausting.  I am exhausted.  Totally and mindnumbingly. 

It was a question posed by a new staff member when I was muttering about my blood pressure challenges that stopped me and has continued to echo in my head.  The question was "what do you do to relax?".  All I could come up with was sleep.  SLEEP!  How pathetic!  LOL.  Sometimes I read was my half hearted attempt to not be AS pathetic. 

Wonder what has torn me so far away from some of the things I DO enjoy?  Perhaps just the pace of life.  Not many books have been read lately, not many pictures taken.  I can't even get the gumption up to really try to do anything more creative than strip wallpaper or repair plaster walls!  Laughing at that one?  Terrible, I know.

My new effort is going to be to take 20 minutes every day just for me.  Silent time.  Breathing time.  I will get back to you on the effectiveness of that effort!

Can Mom's Go on Strike?

This morning I decided I would like to go on strike.  My son asked what that meant.  The explanation I came up with was that it was when people were unsatisfied with their work environment and the management wasnt about to change it.  Funny to think of my personal life being managed by others (like my kids) but that sort of is the way it feels.  Lately, I feel like I give a helluva lot more out than I get.  To my kids, to friends and staff who are my friends, to family members etc.  In fact, I have a hard time remembering the last time I received much of any kind of gift.  Now remember, to me a gift is something given willingly (not asked for) that you do not otherwise have.  It could be hugs, a back rub when sore, that compliment or dinner made when least expected. 

How is it we get ourselves into this?  Why is it some people (me and maybe you?) give and give and give until feeling dry and parched?  Not sure, but I do know it must mean I am not balancing my life.  I know without doubt there is too much work going on in my life.  Then again, when you do what you love and love what you do - at least it can be an extension of your passion.

I am thinking perhaps I too need to stop and consider once again what it is that I dream of.  Some things hold no allure (fancy cars, houses, or "stuff") but what still is shiny and bright in my imagination?  What makes me tingle with excitement?  It has been a while since I have felt that.  Suppose I need to stop.  Stop. and. pause. for. reflection. 

Hopefully I can find time in the garden.  To dig, feel the soil between my fingers and see growth and renewal, the sun warming my back..... and in that effort let my brain stop tapping away and just be. 

Generous Words

Some say words are meaningless.  I disagree.  Words have the power to cut someone to the core, or calm their fears.  A vocal species... of course words matter. 

It is learning to disregard the words of those you hold little respect or value for, and treasuring or following the words of those you admire and love that is key.  Often I wonder if the written word has not become more powerful as social media sites like TWITTER and smart phone texting/BBM'ing become more prominent in daily life.  It is a carefully crafted 140 character string of words that drives that engine.  Words that live on in the diaphanous nether world of the internet long after they have been uttered.  The old adage of my mother "think before you speak" certainly applies.  Tweaked to think before you tweet (or post, or send....) it is even more applicable.  Our words are tapped into phones, sent, and while not spoken they are communicated and out there.  Unable to be retracted.  Completely traceable and usable should the need arise.  Heresay has a different texture as it isnt so much a gray area anymore with the digital age.  You could just re-tweet, re-post, or link to the comment eliminating the gray area of "she said to Johnny who said to Jess who said to....".  Crazy world.

I love words, big and small.  For me, email and texting/BBM is more attractive than a phone call.  It can have more clarity in that you must tap those words out on to a screen, review, then send.... yes, we lack intonation and expression but somehow, many of us have survived.  The concise nature of texting appeals to me, amazing as I am a blabberer-talker type person, largely because it forces me to sort and condense.  Plus, it makes me pause and not be overly emotional or forces me to ask for clarification.  When I receive that text from someone special, it is lovely.  Almost like a letter of days gone by.  Shorter for sure, but no less sweet to open and anticipate the message.  Perhaps it is the brevity that makes it sweeter. 

I am sure people have expressed their love, or perhaps their hate via text messages and emails.  Some may think it cold and calculating.  I don't agree.  The only unfortunate thing perhaps is you can't just save it away in a box to re-read years later.  Our words can be so strong.  Your words have been so provoking.  Just like a face to face conversation, you don't know what the person ponders long after the talk has ended.  The difference in our digital form is that we can re-visit that moment of conversation.  Ponder it, taste it again and wonder. 

Some people leave a mark on our soul...

I have always believed the "it is not how long someone is in your life, but the mark they make in your life that matters".  As I have grown and changed in the last two years this has become very apparent.  I have opened my life to new people, new experiences and in doing so have been moved and educated by so many people.  Educated about the different struggles we each face, and also about my own weaknesses.  My strengths have become apparent too, but often it is our weaknesses that force us to learn or drown.  Its those lessons we DON'T learn that come back to haunt us.

Dating people means opening yourself up to possibilities.  Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking this or that person is right.... or good enough.... or even 'just right'.  Of course you never get that deep down gut feeling of 'right'.  What I am finding harder is categorizing a past relationship that was all wrong.... and never did I fool myself thinking it wasn't, yet, it was deep down gut felt connection.  Letting that wrong time and place relationship go was so incredibly difficult. 

At this time and place in my life I have found someone who fits me, and whom I adore and love.  So why when I come across something that makes me think of that other "wrong" person is something still there?  I guess it is that mark on my soul.  A part of me wishes so much that I could tell them that they helped me become ME again when I had lost that person.  That I smile when I think of them.  And that for some reason, I couldn't take it if I ever found out they were toying with me the whole time.  Sigh.  Life just isn't simple! 

Having had those experiences makes me appreciative of where I am and the love I have in my life.  The mark on my soul left behind is a better understanding of just who it is I am, and what it is my soul needs to be satisfied.

Its been so long!

I realized it has been almost two months since I last posted. I think it is safe to say I have been busy? Yes. For sure. Having managed to launch the 2011 season at work, have new staff start without my assistant here (she was on a trip) and then, add in personal stuff.






The personal stuff. The stuff I usually record here. Where to start.... after processing a friendship which crossed the line of 'just friends' at times, I came to some important realizations. One: it really is true that we often want what we cannot have. Two: it is hard to peel back the reasons we want someone in our lives so damn badly. Those things said, when you admit to number one and recognize what motivates number two you gain a real sense of "whew"!



All of this occurred mid to end of April. Last blog entry. With the launch of the 2011 season at work I figured what better time than now to take a break from the dating thing. People just were not surfacing that had what I wanted or needed. Time to back off and breathe. Then, I went on one last date.



One last date. He was nice. He was cute. He made me laugh. No crazy electricity in the outset but enough to want to try one more date. When I met him the second time there was intense electricity. I was dying to have him kiss me.... and when he did it was incredible. As we talked, the commonalities of our lives in weird experiences came to light. The connect was immediate and intense. Our date was Saturday night until Monday morning. Amazing.



And.... since then it has only been better. I have loved people throughout my life. Loved my ex-spouse, my kids, my family. But not like this. To be honest, I didn't know this level of intimacy and connection was a possibility or even real. More the stuff of movies. There was none of the pretending or surface image projection. Just us, as ourselves and perfectly imperfect.



So, since I last blogged I have been struck by love. The gooey, hand holding, heart expanding kind of love. The kind where you feel content in the forever of it. No need to control it, just let it in. How incredible.

Looking Deeper

I have been trying to look deeper in the last few weeks when I have a negative reaction to a person or situation.  Following the advice I gave a friend to strip away the situation and really THINK what the interaction evoked in you.

Some of my knee jerk reactions made me laugh when I caught myself.  Life the "oh yes I cannnnn" when someone intonated that I would not like something or could not do something.  The back up, "don't tell me what to do" reaction! When I paused and realized this I felt a bit embarassed but also thought it was kinda funny.  Childish reaction.

Some of the tougher ones came when I had to dig deep and consider a friendship I have.  Dig deep and ask myself why I feel the need to classify it and define it.  Why it is sooooo hard to just sit back and keep myself on an emotional leash.  This is when writing comes in handy.  I wrote and wrote in my journal until the reasons popped their heads up.  I want  to classify and define relationships and situations because I hate feeling the fool.  Feeling like I was the one not clued into the situation.  Like I had not been given the same briefing as everyone else!  It is not a need to control the other person, but more a means of safeguarding my own self.  Protection from being let down, abandoned, left in tears.

So it seems I am afraid of investing myself mentally or emotionally if I am not assured of reciprocity in the situation.  Strange.  When I step back and look at it, it is better to step in and try than to constantly hold myself leashed out of fear.  When I boil things down, I feel frustrated.  Frustrated with people and their simplicity.  Not the good kind of simple.  Their willingness to make assumptions and only take surface.  Assumptions about who I am, what I need and such.  It makes me sad.  There are parts of me I cannot help.  Not that they are bad!  Is it bad to be driven, passionate and outgoing?  But I am just me.  The inner me is so much different from the facade the public gets.  Get beyond that and see the gem.  So many don't bother.  And.... I guess I should just say their loss.  Realistically though it saddens me.  I am not one dimensional and shallow.  I am deeper.  I am passionate.  I am intelligent.  I am more of most things and you know what..... I AM A GOOD PERSON..... still.

Beautiful Decay

This is the only way to describe the Cuban city of Havana.  A city of beautiful architecture, all in a state of crumble.  So few of the buildings are in really good shape.  Mostly just the ones that are owned by hotel chains etc.  Tourist buildings.  As you walk around you cannot help but wonder what was it once like?  Sort of like seeing an older person who is bent and stooped, wrinkled and time worn.  You wonder what they were like 'back then'.  It is then us -- still youthful -- who marvel at the beauty and grace of that stooped person, or crumbling city when we see a picture.  Amazed that these two, then and now, are connected.

The Cuban people were so friendly, so welcoming, and very joyful.  All while confined by a state that stops them from taking a holiday to a foreign country or studying overseas without great difficulty.  Friendly and welcoming though they cannot access the goods we take for granted.  Being issued rations by the state monthly, and then having to supplement on the open market.  It is pretty mind boggling.  No wonder they think Canadians are rich.  We can afford to come to their country, relax and holiday.  A luxury beyond their experience and tough to imagine.

It made me stop and think.  Think about standing in an aisle gazing at the choices I have when it comes to basics like toilet paper.  Toothpaste.  Shampoo.  Incredible!  And it is just the way it is... but why?  Is this a reflection of our excessive culture?  I wonder sometimes.  No wonder it is so hard to keep it simple.  We are bombarded.  All it makes us do in the end is want more.  And more.  Yet, happiness is not any closer.....

Politics.... Never what they seem

How precarious is the balance between what one side wants vs. the desires of another.  Who is right and who is wrong depends on which side you stand!  While I was on my holiday I watched the news of Libya unfold.  Watching the news coverage brought some fascination and dread as my knowledge of international politics guided me to the conclusion this would get messy.

Muammar Gaddafi is without doubt, a nut.  That said, he is not a stupid nut.  There have been multiple assassination attempts on his life.  His country has been bombed by the US, and Libyan dissenters have always seemed to exist.  All this brings me to the question: "Why now?" Why now is the international community getting involved?  Perhaps because they are seeing the domino effect with Tunisia, Egypt and don't want the spread to continue into the highly volatile and important Arab world?  Is is once again oil?  What I despise is that there is always a morality twist put on this.  Liberate the poor Libyans.  Ummm, hello?  The guy has been around pulling shit for 40 plus years!!  Other uprisings have occurred and been crushed.  Our news sources however, are ripe for revolution reporting.  Then there is the issue of soveriegnty.  Other countries cannot just interfere in internal issues.  Remember Chechnya?  Ahhh... the uprising of Chechyn's against their Russian rulers.  Russian responses to their demands and actions have been brutal.  Civilians killed.  Hostages taken.  Thousands have fled the area as refugees.  Funny how there was no immediate Security Council meeting or ruling there. 

What I am saying is that we need to be careful about the judgements we make and why we make them.  Yes, Gaddafi is a dink who should have his power stripped.  However, to remove him is to set a precedent that anytime the UN doesnt like a ruler they can remove them.  Not cool.  Its that soveriegnty thing.  Then there is the issue of the rebels.  What makes the rebels right and not the ruling power?  Does removal of the leadership really guarantee change?  Lets watch Egypt and see.  Are we using human rights and civilian safety as a guise for our own selfish desires to access their rich oil reserves and connections within OPEC?  Are we meddling to gain an upper hand?

Shouldnt the West stop and think "HEY! We do not generally do well over here when we interfere...." Ummm, Iraq anyone?  Palestine-Israel? Lebanon?  It is tooooo simple to think 'saving' the civilians and ousting Gaddafi so that 'democracy' may take root is the reasoning for intervention.  What terrifies me is the not knowing the other reasons.  The other reasons and the reality that removing one leader does not ensure instant stability but instead another decade of instability.  Instability that only hardens the cement of the Western 'benevolent' image.  Huh.  I don't know.

What I do know is that we cannot believe what is reported as truth.  We must always question the reasoning behind behaviour.  Look closer.  And apply some sort of balance in how we behave.  If we are to intervene in this, does this mean Cote D'Ivoire and other struggling African nations in tumult are our next projects?  If we were fair and balanced it would.  But do they have huge financial outcomes or does protecting citizenry only apply when their value can be weighed in oil, gold, power?

A day in the life of Ms. KLC....

So my official title is "Executive Director" and man..... it sounds sweeeeet.  Ironically, titles don't do that much for me anymore.  I am much more interested in the what goes behind the title.  So here is what goes behind my title....

Picking up a pig.  Yes.  A pig.  After convincing a friend with a truck that they wanted to assist me, I went on my merry adventure to collect a "free" potbellied pig that needed a new home.  My thought was how lovely!  A pig that is tame, fun and the kids who visit can pet!  So off we went.  When I arrived three people stood around looking perplexed.  They had a large dog crate out and placed oranges in the crate and thought that Petunia the Pig would head on in!!!  What a hoot.  And since she didnt, they had NO idea how to get her in.  Well.  I did.  Over I stepped and grabbed the 100 lb pig, and proceded to shove her into the crate.  What a hoot.  Ever heard a pig squeal in indignation?  Loud.  The other three people stood around and watched.  Open mouthed.  At this time, might I take a moment to remind all readers that I am a Political Science graduate, who holds a Bachelor of Education and was a teacher.  I did not grow up on a farm, nor do I have extensive Ag experience.  Yet.  I wrestled a pig.  The best was yet to come however.  After loading her in the crate, in the back of the pickup we began our journey.  Almost at our exit on the highway we heard squeals and looked back to see my darling Petunia busting out of the crate!  YIKES!  Pull over......  As luck would have it, I had fishing line in my pocket.  Don't ask why!!  So, I McGyvered up the pen well enough to get her back to the barn.  And in she went.  Today, she is happy.  Nesting in a bed of straw, drinking lots of water and looking much less stressed out.

De-icing a sliding door.  With a pick.  So that a community partner could access the building.  I hacked and picked at the ice this morning.  Heaved and hawwed and pushed that ice wedged door.  Finally overcoming it.  Does this sound like an ED job?  Sooooo glamourous!

Then, I fed a 6 week old sheep her bottle.  Fed three bossy sheep their morning grain, checked on the ducks, picked up crap.... then headed outside to meet some prospective renters for the barn.  After showing it, I decided to shovel the heavy wet and slushy snow off the area where my employee parks and shovelled a lane.  Hey, I don't need workplace injuries!  When I came inside, I sat down for some paperwork.  Only to be greeted by someone at the door.  Turns out those people I had shown the barn to, had gotten their van stuck.  Out I went again.  Sanded around the van, then finally pushed it out.  I am on my second pair of pants today.  Why do I shower before work again???

Now here is the secret part..... I love it.  Don't let me fool you.  The manual labour, the physical aches, the animals..... all part of what makes me love this job.  I am NOT a person who does well in boring environments.  I need the challenge, diversity and general nature of this job to be satisfied.  That I can do all those things in the morning, then sit down and use my brain to complete a grant application or schmooze over lunch with potential sponsors is all part of the job. Plus what I love.

Oh I know I am a complex woman.  I like to get dirty, be hands on and involved in the adventure.  Yet I also love my strappy heeled sandals that I dress up in and prance around in!  I adore going to the symphony or a concert, the museum and art gallery.  Yet, I could never live in the city.  I need space, room to breathe.  Moments of intense calm often come when I am alone, surrounded by the beauty of nature and with my dog.  Nothing complicated. 

Emotionally I am equally complex.  While I seek that connection, that intense level of understanding and respect... I also need my space.  My time to do my thing.  To not have to explain or answer for.  Spending time with those you love is wonderful be they family, friends or lovers... but after I need time to refill myself.  While I have a dominant personality, it is not all that I am.  I can be soft.  Maternal and intensley loving.  When I see those in need I ache to be able to provide shelter, support, care.  To wrap my arms around them and allow them a safe place to see the strength they have within.  Few but my true friends would know this.  Strong, confident and determined I may be.  Mostly because I have to be.  But even the strongest women have little girls inside who need to be little girls cared for.  Loved.

Complexity is interesting.  Challenging.  Scary at times.  Not for the weak of heart.  I am not for the weak of heart, nor is my job.  I like it that way and have no intention of changing it.  Life is to be lived.  Experienced.  Learned.  Bring it on.  Each day brings something new which keeps it interesting......

Trying, Reaching, Wondering

Trying....
to be me and wholly present
to not repeat the mistakes of my past, the patterns that dog me
to be a wiser, more open, and fully mindful woman

Reaching...
for inspiration in my profession and career
for fufillment and satisfaction

Wondering...
why must we desire what we cannot have?
why is it that the human psyche can be so fragile?
why is it so very difficult to find a partner in a world filled with people looking for just the same?
why do people come close, admire, respect, enjoy but not connect?

Perhaps....
It is just not to be right now
There is a bigger plan
This is just a moment, a blink in all that is

Maybe...
Love is not what we think it truly is
That the passionate connect we think we want is really just disguised pain
Love is really the culmination of respect, appreciation, communication and connection
It isnt an absolute here or not here

Wouldnt it be nice if life came with a map?

I'm still not over you....

The statement many people want to hear for the sake of their ego's.  While some of us (I am one of this breed) dread having someone say or intone that they are not over me.....  But what about when you are with friends or loved ones who are just not over that "you" in their lives?  Who are just to worn thin from the experience of that person, that they just cannot "get over" whoever it was that was so significant.  What do you do when you are with someone who is clearly not over someone else, and you want to move forward with them?  When they say one thing, but subconsciously speak and act another?  

Wouldnt it be nice if there was a litmus test - like those acid test papers we experimented with in highschool.  "If it goes purple..." you can move on and begin dating again.  While any other colour... whoa Nelly!  I make light.... but it is something on my mind.  There are so many theories out there post-marital break up.  A month for every year is a common one.  Humh.  My thought? It depends on how you have processed things.  Have you learned, grown, taken away what needed to be heard? 

As my energy becomes more at ease within me, I am better able to just let things go and recognize their value but let it go nonetheless.  I see my weakness, and know why my actions produce certain results.  What I find most difficult is seeing something so obvious, a lesson dead centre, and not saying anything to whom it pertains.  All day today I felt something on the tip of my tongue and wrestled with whether to say anything or not.  In the end, I opted for not.  So hard to know if saying something would have pushed someone towards something too painful...  I saw the "still not over you" in action.  Saying nothing was hard, but I think correct.  If it is to go nowhere.... so be it.  I will not struggle with the "still not over you" when he is gone.  I will accept it and move forward. 

Guarded you say

I was recently told I was guarded.  Guarded with my personal feelings.  And my first response was ME?  GUARDED?  Then as I thought I realized that in my openness and willingness to share ideas and outward reality I do perhaps, guard a part of myself.  It is that part of me that is fragile, needy, and with a cracked and damaged surface.  The little girl inside me. 

It makes me wonder a bit what it might be like to live on the 'other' side of things.  How would life play out if I let that inner self out, was open and let people see the cracked and delicate me?  Unlikely though, that this will ever happen.  As much as being guarded serves a very real purpose, I have realized that having someone see beyond this is what I desire.  Is it a catch 22 however?  I want someone to see beyond this protective cover, yet perhaps I have constructed a shell that is impenetrable.  My walls too high to scale.  Once, not that long ago.... there was someone who got through these walls and I felt bare when he looked at me.  Bare, and safe.  Letting him go was so hard.  So very, very hard.  "If you love something, set it free.  If it comes back, it is yours.  If not, it was never meant to be".  Wise words, hard to appreciate when you have tasted what you desire and know it is not yours to have right now.

That said, potential always exists.  People come in and out of our life.  All with a purpose, all leaving marks on our soul....

In a split second

In a split second everything can change.  I discovered this as I took my dog and the dog I am sitting inside on Sunday.  I set my camera down, turned to usher the dog up the stairs when I noticed she was gone.  I looked, saw paw prints in the snow and up ahead and across the road.... the dog.  I ran quickly fearing the dog I was babysitting (who had taken off) would go on the busy road.  I grabbed her collar and turned around only to see my loyal and loving dachshund companion chase quickly after me.  As usual to be by my side.  That day was not my day.  He was struck by a car and I watched in in slow motion.... I thought I would throw up with the fear I had for him.  I quickly passed off the other dog, scooped my baby up and took him inside.  I wrapped him in a towel and worked calmly.  As I lifted him gently off the floor he cried in pain and lashed out biting my left cheek -- leaving scratches.  I knew the intensity of pain my fur baby must have been experiencing.  He is the gentlest dog.  I tried again to lift him, he bit again this time getting the other cheek and puncturing me and causing bleeding.  The irony?  I could care less.  I had my pup in my arms and was ready to get him to the doctor.

Now it is a day later and he is stabilized but with surgery needed.  Expensive surgery.  I have cried and cried.  All day I have wrestled with what the best thing to do is.  To put him down?  To get the surgery regardless of cost? Wondering if my desire to keep him at my side is selfish.  Oh how I love this dog.  My sweet and loyal dog who knows when I have a migraine and curls up next to me.  Who would challenge a bear (in all likelihood) to protect me.  My sweet little doxie who makes me smile and giggle when he bounds through the snow.  I thought I could let him go.  I'm not sure I can after all.  He was with me through 2 very tough years, always loving me.  Always there. 

Tomorrow is a new day and I pray to all the powers there are that the answer of what I am to do will be apparent.  Right now I have no sensibility.  Money feels like a selfish reason not to do the surgery.  Yet, is the surgery too much for my short legged buddy?  I want to be kind, yet also cannot help but want him with me.  So, I am sure I will shed more tears.  As I miss having his face looking up at me for one more night.  Praying that he will be fixed soon and back with me.

Please get better Cricket....

One step closer to you....

Each day I take one step closer to you.  Who are you?  I don't know yet.  What you look like, what you do and where you live I have yet to discover.  I do know some things about who you are.  You are an individual with a strong personality that equals mine.  You laugh and do it easily.  When it comes to life, you take big bumps and lumps in stride and keep your eye on the prize.  Its all good.  Part of the journey.  I know you care about people, about community and society as a whole.  You do your part.  Whatever that is, big or small.  You know what it is to be a parent, and appreciate the challenges and rewards.  When issues come up in your interpersonal life you deal with them head on.  Say what you need to say, ask the questions you need answered and don't go the route of passive-aggressive.  Just like doing what I love and am passionate about is important to me, you feel the same way.  You need challenge, and go for the opportunities that present themselves.  It isn't about the money for you, its about the challenge, personal growth and satisfaction.

See, I am learning what it is I need myself and that I need these from you too.  Just because I choose to be single right now does not mean that I don't think that you are out there.  Maybe I have met you, maybe not.  But more importantly I know that these things are possible.  Some of it is blind faith, some of it hope, but a lot of it is that if you don't come along I will be okay with that too.  As I meet other people along the way in the hopes of getting to you, I will learn more about myself and grow as a result.  Oh, I want to meet you.  I want to have someone like you in my life.  To be challenged, to feel that true intimacy and connection where I can open up completely.  Where I don't just show you one or two compartments of myself (like I have done in all my relationships this far) but throw the doors wide open.  Where being vulnerable is safe.

And in return I will give you something pretty amazing.  Me.  Completely.  I will be your teammate, and co-pilot.  You can count on me to support you, believe in you and be there.  Though it will be so hard for me, I will trust you and open myself to you.  Share my ideas, dreams and passions.  You can come inside my life.  Feel my energy and share in it.  There will be a confidence between us, where we trust and respect each other without any need for jealousy or ownership.  Simple. 

Though I have never had this, I know it is possible.  Its out there!  And I am willing to wait.  Wait to be surprised by it or to be an architect in building it with you.  You are out there.  As I become more self aware I take one step closer to you.

Incredible beauty: part 2

And this post is about the beauty of words.  Words that reveal the soul of a person or touch your own with impact.  A friend said to me that they are seeking to be a better person.  To find truth and what it is that they need.  To no longer have sex with people they are not in love with as when they do it they feel like they give away another small piece of who they are.

When I read this, I paused.  Then I felt teary.  Yes, I understand.  When we just have sex-- it can be so physically satisfying and sometimes that is enough.  Yet when what we really want is that connection and to feel love, acceptance and to be seen.... we end up giving a part of ourselves away instead of being empowered.  Love is not sex.  Sex is not love.  Yet, sex can be done with love.  Sadly, love cannot be created with sex.  What I realized was that each of us needs to be so cognizant of what it is we really want.  There is no shame in wanting something simple like physical satisfaction.  There is no shame in admitting that you are a person who needs someone in their life to feel complete.  We are each unique.

What is sad is when people chase one, or the other, or anything with the hopes that someone or something else will fill the space.  My friend's honesty with me struck me so profoundly.  I replied that "all anyone really wants is for someone to see beyond the veneer.  To see the deeper 'us' and in seeing that person, we are bared.  That someone will love us at our best, or worst.  But more than that, that we feel completely understood and able to have that other person see the ME and not the person that they WANT to see...."

And I believe each of us can find this.  Sometime.  Perhaps we may only have that person for a short short time.  I think I may have had my person like that some time ago, and at times fear I never will again feel that safety.  Perhaps, perhaps not.  I cannot dwell.  Instead, I think just being provoked to recognize I still carry this person so closely to my heart, by the beautiful words given to me by my friend was such a gift.

Word are wonderful.  Powerful.  They can wound, they can heal.  They can comfort.  Some things are better left unsaid, I believe.  Yet sometimes, we have to say the difficult to move beyond.  Incredible beauty can be outlined with words, illuminating all the wonders that surround us.

Incredible beauty

Sometimes we have things happen that strike us and overcome us.  It could be a phrase uttered by a friend, or a situation that shows you your own capabilities.  I have had both things happen in the last week or so.

The physical experience was to discover new life right here at work, in the barn.  A ewe was pregnant, unknown by me (not unusual as it is very difficult to tell is a sheep is pregnant) and in the frigid cold she had two lambs.  One was cold and dead, the other though growing cold was still alive.  I was paralyzed for only a moment before I moved.  Removing the dead lamb and explaining to my young daughter that yes, it was dead, yes it was sad, but sometimes nature knows best.  I moved on to the living one.  Feeling its frail body.  Wanting to trust in the mother.  I solicited advice from friends who grew up on farms, tried to stimulate the mom to react.  Put up a heat lamp, but as time passed I saw that it was going to come to a decision.  And in a split second I knew I could not leave this tiny scrap of life to the elements.  Foolish perhaps, but I have this luxury as I am not a "real" farmer who has a flock of many sheep.  I bundled the hypothermic lamb inside she went.  I warmed her and rinsed her in water to gently raise her temperature.  Then bundled her in towels, gently drying her.  Then held her wrapped in warm blankets like the newborn she was, against my chest.

All night I held this little scrap of life.  Hoping against hopes that I could pull her through.  Trying.  With help from a friend we got colostrum that I milked from the reluctant mom and fed via spoon.  Then, I hunted down some milk replacer.  Another tense night was spent with me arising every 3 hours to feed her.  The morning I still felt we were on the edge.  Yet, after last night and the excellent feedings today I see her growing more strength.  Such relief.  How much I want this little lamb to survive.  How hard I am trying.  As the bottle making and feedings take me back many years to my children's days of infancy!  I am so weary.... yet I would not give it up.  This little creature came for a reason.  What a challenge.  Am I a real farmer now?  Not sure.  But I do know I truly truly truly adore living things.  Little snowy.  Sweet little lamb. 

Snowy
Legs splayed and shaky
Milky lips and silken ears
Showing me just how amazing and fragile life is.

What I be.... or want to be...

I was driving and listening to the poetry of Michael Franti and Spearhead... something about his voice and words touch a part of me in a way I cannot quite express.  The song that hit me between the eyes was "What I Be" . 

It struck me as so simple.  What I be is what I be.  I am who I am.  Imperfect yet perfectly so.  Striving to be more.  Yet, satisfied with the now too.  Doing what I need to even when I want to avoid it.  Being strong in my own 'gut' and inner knowledge that I have to do what I am doing.  Do I love some one?  You bet.  I am learning to love myself.  Really love me.  Not just acceptance of my faults and imperfections but to love those cracks and fissures too.  As much as I grow, change, and become better -- what I be, IS what I be.  Who I am is who I am.  And that is who I must be.  No one else.



And that is enough.  I am learning to accept it.  As I accept others for what they can give, and what they cannot.  There is nothing I want more than those around me to have the strength to BE just as they are.  Not bend and change to my will or needs, but instead to be who they be.  And be more of them.  Focused in the strength of their individual power and uniqueness.  To revel in the beauty of the moments, the world, the opportunity.  When I think of those I hold in great esteem, it is those who dare to be.  Just as they are.  To bear what comes with that and move on.  I may not like all facets of what or who they be, but I love them all the same.  And the cool part?  The love you receive from others in the place of acceptance is whole.  strong.  pure.  secure.  knowing.  awesome.  You don't fear losing it from these people, what we have is just more.  It's base is so different than people who come and go... not that they are any less important or make less impact.  Its just that those people you share this connect with are like direction on a compass.  When lost, they remind you of what you be.  Help you find north again.  Set your ship back on course.

What I be, is what I be. 

Feeling Good... and that is Good.

I have had some time to just pull back and focus this week.  My focus and efficiency at work has been great, I feel on my game!  So to speak!  The ideas are flowing and Spring and Summer feel just around the corner.  Amazing.  I have put my focus into my kids, my work and myself and it feels good.  Really good.

I generally am a pretty good natured person, always positive as well.  Like I indicated in past post's, I feel like I am standing on a hill with the ability to look back and look forward.  That which is ahead of me seems to be coming into view.  All the up and down and instability of the last six months is settling.  2011 truly does feel like a good fit, fresh start.


Weird how we tend to repeat behaviour isn't it?  We look for security by bringing "same" into our lives even though we think we are bringing different in.  Some patterns in my own choices are starting to come to light.  I am so lucky to have friends who call a spade a spade and don't worry about hurting my feelings (initially that is!).  They have pointed out the patterns I suspected.  Hope I can follow their advice and my own goals clearly.

The Sundance channel has been free this month and I have caught some incredible programs.  Some funny, others poignant, one program very very thought provoking.  I recommend any music lover, truth seeker, and those wanting to look deep within themselves and ask tough questions to watch some of these....

 www.whataboutme.tv/#videos

What about me?  What a question.  It rings with meaning.... definately reflects Western ideals... and this program really does a great job of crossing borders, boundaries and cultures... asking questions.
Check it out.