Smile - Life is Beautiful

Some people leave a mark on our soul...

2011-12-13T09:37:00.000-06:00

I have always believed the "it is not how long someone is in your life, but the mark they make in your life that matters". As I have grown and changed in the last two years this has become very apparent. I have opened my life to new people, new experiences and in doing so have been moved and educated by so many people. Educated about the different struggles we each face, and also about my own weaknesses. My strengths have become apparent too, but often it is our weaknesses that force us to learn or drown. Its those lessons we DON'T learn that come back to haunt us.

Dating people means opening yourself up to possibilities. Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking this or that person is right.... or good enough.... or even 'just right'. Of course you never get that deep down gut feeling of 'right'. What I am finding harder is categorizing a past relationship that was all wrong.... and never did I fool myself thinking it wasn't, yet, it was deep down gut felt connection. Letting that wrong time and place relationship go was so incredibly difficult.

At this time and place in my life I have found someone who fits me, and whom I adore and love. So why when I come across something that makes me think of that other "wrong" person is something still there? I guess it is that mark on my soul. A part of me wishes so much that I could tell them that they helped me become ME again when I had lost that person. That I smile when I think of them. And that for some reason, I couldn't take it if I ever found out they were toying with me the whole time. Sigh. Life just isn't simple!

Having had those experiences makes me appreciative of where I am and the love I have in my life. The mark on my soul left behind is a better understanding of just who it is I am, and what it is my soul needs to be satisfied.

Its been so long!

2011-06-20T13:13:00.000-05:00

I realized it has been almost two months since I last posted. I think it is safe to say I have been busy? Yes. For sure. Having managed to launch the 2011 season at work, have new staff start without my assistant here (she was on a trip) and then, add in personal stuff.

The personal stuff. The stuff I usually record here. Where to start.... after processing a friendship which crossed the line of 'just friends' at times, I came to some important realizations. One: it really is true that we often want what we cannot have. Two: it is hard to peel back the reasons we want someone in our lives so damn badly. Those things said, when you admit to number one and recognize what motivates number two you gain a real sense of "whew"!

All of this occurred mid to end of April. Last blog entry. With the launch of the 2011 season at work I figured what better time than now to take a break from the dating thing. People just were not surfacing that had what I wanted or needed. Time to back off and breathe. Then, I went on one last date.

One last date. He was nice. He was cute. He made me laugh. No crazy electricity in the outset but enough to want to try one more date. When I met him the second time there was intense electricity. I was dying to have him kiss me.... and when he did it was incredible. As we talked, the commonalities of our lives in weird experiences came to light. The connect was immediate and intense. Our date was Saturday night until Monday morning. Amazing.

And.... since then it has only been better. I have loved people throughout my life. Loved my ex-spouse, my kids, my family. But not like this. To be honest, I didn't know this level of intimacy and connection was a possibility or even real. More the stuff of movies. There was none of the pretending or surface image projection. Just us, as ourselves and perfectly imperfect.

So, since I last blogged I have been struck by love. The gooey, hand holding, heart expanding kind of love. The kind where you feel content in the forever of it. No need to control it, just let it in. How incredible.

Looking Deeper

2011-04-21T15:42:00.000-05:00

I have been trying to look deeper in the last few weeks when I have a negative reaction to a person or situation. Following the advice I gave a friend to strip away the situation and really THINK what the interaction evoked in you.

Some of my knee jerk reactions made me laugh when I caught myself. Life the "oh yes I cannnnn" when someone intonated that I would not like something or could not do something. The back up, "don't tell me what to do" reaction! When I paused and realized this I felt a bit embarassed but also thought it was kinda funny. Childish reaction.

Some of the tougher ones came when I had to dig deep and consider a friendship I have. Dig deep and ask myself why I feel the need to classify it and define it. Why it is sooooo hard to just sit back and keep myself on an emotional leash. This is when writing comes in handy. I wrote and wrote in my journal until the reasons popped their heads up. I want to classify and define relationships and situations because I hate feeling the fool. Feeling like I was the one not clued into the situation. Like I had not been given the same briefing as everyone else! It is not a need to control the other person, but more a means of safeguarding my own self. Protection from being let down, abandoned, left in tears.

So it seems I am afraid of investing myself mentally or emotionally if I am not assured of reciprocity in the situation. Strange. When I step back and look at it, it is better to step in and try than to constantly hold myself leashed out of fear. When I boil things down, I feel frustrated. Frustrated with people and their simplicity. Not the good kind of simple. Their willingness to make assumptions and only take surface. Assumptions about who I am, what I need and such. It makes me sad. There are parts of me I cannot help. Not that they are bad! Is it bad to be driven, passionate and outgoing? But I am just me. The inner me is so much different from the facade the public gets. Get beyond that and see the gem. So many don't bother. And.... I guess I should just say their loss. Realistically though it saddens me. I am not one dimensional and shallow. I am deeper. I am passionate. I am intelligent. I am more of most things and you know what..... I AM A GOOD PERSON..... still.

Beautiful Decay

2011-04-12T10:14:00.000-05:00

This is the only way to describe the Cuban city of Havana. A city of beautiful architecture, all in a state of crumble. So few of the buildings are in really good shape. Mostly just the ones that are owned by hotel chains etc. Tourist buildings. As you walk around you cannot help but wonder what was it once like? Sort of like seeing an older person who is bent and stooped, wrinkled and time worn. You wonder what they were like 'back then'. It is then us -- still youthful -- who marvel at the beauty and grace of that stooped person, or crumbling city when we see a picture. Amazed that these two, then and now, are connected.

The Cuban people were so friendly, so welcoming, and very joyful. All while confined by a state that stops them from taking a holiday to a foreign country or studying overseas without great difficulty. Friendly and welcoming though they cannot access the goods we take for granted. Being issued rations by the state monthly, and then having to supplement on the open market. It is pretty mind boggling. No wonder they think Canadians are rich. We can afford to come to their country, relax and holiday. A luxury beyond their experience and tough to imagine.

It made me stop and think. Think about standing in an aisle gazing at the choices I have when it comes to basics like toilet paper. Toothpaste. Shampoo. Incredible! And it is just the way it is... but why? Is this a reflection of our excessive culture? I wonder sometimes. No wonder it is so hard to keep it simple. We are bombarded. All it makes us do in the end is want more. And more. Yet, happiness is not any closer.....

Politics.... Never what they seem

2011-03-25T13:24:00.000-05:00

How precarious is the balance between what one side wants vs. the desires of another. Who is right and who is wrong depends on which side you stand! While I was on my holiday I watched the news of Libya unfold. Watching the news coverage brought some fascination and dread as my knowledge of international politics guided me to the conclusion this would get messy.

Muammar Gaddafi is without doubt, a nut. That said, he is not a stupid nut. There have been multiple assassination attempts on his life. His country has been bombed by the US, and Libyan dissenters have always seemed to exist. All this brings me to the question: "Why now?" Why now is the international community getting involved? Perhaps because they are seeing the domino effect with Tunisia, Egypt and don't want the spread to continue into the highly volatile and important Arab world? Is is once again oil? What I despise is that there is always a morality twist put on this. Liberate the poor Libyans. Ummm, hello? The guy has been around pulling shit for 40 plus years!! Other uprisings have occurred and been crushed. Our news sources however, are ripe for revolution reporting. Then there is the issue of soveriegnty. Other countries cannot just interfere in internal issues. Remember Chechnya? Ahhh... the uprising of Chechyn's against their Russian rulers. Russian responses to their demands and actions have been brutal. Civilians killed. Hostages taken. Thousands have fled the area as refugees. Funny how there was no immediate Security Council meeting or ruling there.

What I am saying is that we need to be careful about the judgements we make and why we make them. Yes, Gaddafi is a dink who should have his power stripped. However, to remove him is to set a precedent that anytime the UN doesnt like a ruler they can remove them. Not cool. Its that soveriegnty thing. Then there is the issue of the rebels. What makes the rebels right and not the ruling power? Does removal of the leadership really guarantee change? Lets watch Egypt and see. Are we using human rights and civilian safety as a guise for our own selfish desires to access their rich oil reserves and connections within OPEC? Are we meddling to gain an upper hand?

Shouldnt the West stop and think "HEY! We do not generally do well over here when we interfere...." Ummm, Iraq anyone? Palestine-Israel? Lebanon? It is tooooo simple to think 'saving' the civilians and ousting Gaddafi so that 'democracy' may take root is the reasoning for intervention. What terrifies me is the not knowing the other reasons. The other reasons and the reality that removing one leader does not ensure instant stability but instead another decade of instability. Instability that only hardens the cement of the Western 'benevolent' image. Huh. I don't know.

What I do know is that we cannot believe what is reported as truth. We must always question the reasoning behind behaviour. Look closer. And apply some sort of balance in how we behave. If we are to intervene in this, does this mean Cote D'Ivoire and other struggling African nations in tumult are our next projects? If we were fair and balanced it would. But do they have huge financial outcomes or does protecting citizenry only apply when their value can be weighed in oil, gold, power?

A day in the life of Ms. KLC....

2011-03-11T09:46:00.000-06:00

So my official title is "Executive Director" and man..... it sounds sweeeeet. Ironically, titles don't do that much for me anymore. I am much more interested in the what goes behind the title. So here is what goes behind my title....

Picking up a pig. Yes. A pig. After convincing a friend with a truck that they wanted to assist me, I went on my merry adventure to collect a "free" potbellied pig that needed a new home. My thought was how lovely! A pig that is tame, fun and the kids who visit can pet! So off we went. When I arrived three people stood around looking perplexed. They had a large dog crate out and placed oranges in the crate and thought that Petunia the Pig would head on in!!! What a hoot. And since she didnt, they had NO idea how to get her in. Well. I did. Over I stepped and grabbed the 100 lb pig, and proceded to shove her into the crate. What a hoot. Ever heard a pig squeal in indignation? Loud. The other three people stood around and watched. Open mouthed. At this time, might I take a moment to remind all readers that I am a Political Science graduate, who holds a Bachelor of Education and was a teacher. I did not grow up on a farm, nor do I have extensive Ag experience. Yet. I wrestled a pig. The best was yet to come however. After loading her in the crate, in the back of the pickup we began our journey. Almost at our exit on the highway we heard squeals and looked back to see my darling Petunia busting out of the crate! YIKES! Pull over...... As luck would have it, I had fishing line in my pocket. Don't ask why!! So, I McGyvered up the pen well enough to get her back to the barn. And in she went. Today, she is happy. Nesting in a bed of straw, drinking lots of water and looking much less stressed out.

De-icing a sliding door. With a pick. So that a community partner could access the building. I hacked and picked at the ice this morning. Heaved and hawwed and pushed that ice wedged door. Finally overcoming it. Does this sound like an ED job? Sooooo glamourous!

Then, I fed a 6 week old sheep her bottle. Fed three bossy sheep their morning grain, checked on the ducks, picked up crap.... then headed outside to meet some prospective renters for the barn. After showing it, I decided to shovel the heavy wet and slushy snow off the area where my employee parks and shovelled a lane. Hey, I don't need workplace injuries! When I came inside, I sat down for some paperwork. Only to be greeted by someone at the door. Turns out those people I had shown the barn to, had gotten their van stuck. Out I went again. Sanded around the van, then finally pushed it out. I am on my second pair of pants today. Why do I shower before work again???

Now here is the secret part..... I love it. Don't let me fool you. The manual labour, the physical aches, the animals..... all part of what makes me love this job. I am NOT a person who does well in boring environments. I need the challenge, diversity and general nature of this job to be satisfied. That I can do all those things in the morning, then sit down and use my brain to complete a grant application or schmooze over lunch with potential sponsors is all part of the job. Plus what I love.

Oh I know I am a complex woman. I like to get dirty, be hands on and involved in the adventure. Yet I also love my strappy heeled sandals that I dress up in and prance around in! I adore going to the symphony or a concert, the museum and art gallery. Yet, I could never live in the city. I need space, room to breathe. Moments of intense calm often come when I am alone, surrounded by the beauty of nature and with my dog. Nothing complicated.

Emotionally I am equally complex. While I seek that connection, that intense level of understanding and respect... I also need my space. My time to do my thing. To not have to explain or answer for. Spending time with those you love is wonderful be they family, friends or lovers... but after I need time to refill myself. While I have a dominant personality, it is not all that I am. I can be soft. Maternal and intensley loving. When I see those in need I ache to be able to provide shelter, support, care. To wrap my arms around them and allow them a safe place to see the strength they have within. Few but my true friends would know this. Strong, confident and determined I may be. Mostly because I have to be. But even the strongest women have little girls inside who need to be little girls cared for. Loved.

Complexity is interesting. Challenging. Scary at times. Not for the weak of heart. I am not for the weak of heart, nor is my job. I like it that way and have no intention of changing it. Life is to be lived. Experienced. Learned. Bring it on. Each day brings something new which keeps it interesting......

Trying, Reaching, Wondering

2011-03-10T18:51:00.000-06:00

Trying....
to be me and wholly present
to not repeat the mistakes of my past, the patterns that dog me
to be a wiser, more open, and fully mindful woman

Reaching...
for inspiration in my profession and career
for fufillment and satisfaction

Wondering...
why must we desire what we cannot have?
why is it that the human psyche can be so fragile?
why is it so very difficult to find a partner in a world filled with people looking for just the same?
why do people come close, admire, respect, enjoy but not connect?

Perhaps....
It is just not to be right now
There is a bigger plan
This is just a moment, a blink in all that is

Maybe...
Love is not what we think it truly is
That the passionate connect we think we want is really just disguised pain
Love is really the culmination of respect, appreciation, communication and connection
It isnt an absolute here or not here

Wouldnt it be nice if life came with a map?

I'm still not over you....

2011-03-06T17:52:00.000-06:00

The statement many people want to hear for the sake of their ego's. While some of us (I am one of this breed) dread having someone say or intone that they are not over me..... But what about when you are with friends or loved ones who are just not over that "you" in their lives? Who are just to worn thin from the experience of that person, that they just cannot "get over" whoever it was that was so significant. What do you do when you are with someone who is clearly not over someone else, and you want to move forward with them? When they say one thing, but subconsciously speak and act another?

Wouldnt it be nice if there was a litmus test - like those acid test papers we experimented with in highschool. "If it goes purple..." you can move on and begin dating again. While any other colour... whoa Nelly! I make light.... but it is something on my mind. There are so many theories out there post-marital break up. A month for every year is a common one. Humh. My thought? It depends on how you have processed things. Have you learned, grown, taken away what needed to be heard?

As my energy becomes more at ease within me, I am better able to just let things go and recognize their value but let it go nonetheless. I see my weakness, and know why my actions produce certain results. What I find most difficult is seeing something so obvious, a lesson dead centre, and not saying anything to whom it pertains. All day today I felt something on the tip of my tongue and wrestled with whether to say anything or not. In the end, I opted for not. So hard to know if saying something would have pushed someone towards something too painful... I saw the "still not over you" in action. Saying nothing was hard, but I think correct. If it is to go nowhere.... so be it. I will not struggle with the "still not over you" when he is gone. I will accept it and move forward.

Guarded you say

2011-02-28T08:02:00.000-06:00

I was recently told I was guarded. Guarded with my personal feelings. And my first response was ME? GUARDED? Then as I thought I realized that in my openness and willingness to share ideas and outward reality I do perhaps, guard a part of myself. It is that part of me that is fragile, needy, and with a cracked and damaged surface. The little girl inside me.

It makes me wonder a bit what it might be like to live on the 'other' side of things. How would life play out if I let that inner self out, was open and let people see the cracked and delicate me? Unlikely though, that this will ever happen. As much as being guarded serves a very real purpose, I have realized that having someone see beyond this is what I desire. Is it a catch 22 however? I want someone to see beyond this protective cover, yet perhaps I have constructed a shell that is impenetrable. My walls too high to scale. Once, not that long ago.... there was someone who got through these walls and I felt bare when he looked at me. Bare, and safe. Letting him go was so hard. So very, very hard. "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If not, it was never meant to be". Wise words, hard to appreciate when you have tasted what you desire and know it is not yours to have right now.

That said, potential always exists. People come in and out of our life. All with a purpose, all leaving marks on our soul....

In a split second

2011-02-21T20:18:00.000-06:00

In a split second everything can change. I discovered this as I took my dog and the dog I am sitting inside on Sunday. I set my camera down, turned to usher the dog up the stairs when I noticed she was gone. I looked, saw paw prints in the snow and up ahead and across the road.... the dog. I ran quickly fearing the dog I was babysitting (who had taken off) would go on the busy road. I grabbed her collar and turned around only to see my loyal and loving dachshund companion chase quickly after me. As usual to be by my side. That day was not my day. He was struck by a car and I watched in in slow motion.... I thought I would throw up with the fear I had for him. I quickly passed off the other dog, scooped my baby up and took him inside. I wrapped him in a towel and worked calmly. As I lifted him gently off the floor he cried in pain and lashed out biting my left cheek -- leaving scratches. I knew the intensity of pain my fur baby must have been experiencing. He is the gentlest dog. I tried again to lift him, he bit again this time getting the other cheek and puncturing me and causing bleeding. The irony? I could care less. I had my pup in my arms and was ready to get him to the doctor.

Now it is a day later and he is stabilized but with surgery needed. Expensive surgery. I have cried and cried. All day I have wrestled with what the best thing to do is. To put him down? To get the surgery regardless of cost? Wondering if my desire to keep him at my side is selfish. Oh how I love this dog. My sweet and loyal dog who knows when I have a migraine and curls up next to me. Who would challenge a bear (in all likelihood) to protect me. My sweet little doxie who makes me smile and giggle when he bounds through the snow. I thought I could let him go. I'm not sure I can after all. He was with me through 2 very tough years, always loving me. Always there.

Tomorrow is a new day and I pray to all the powers there are that the answer of what I am to do will be apparent. Right now I have no sensibility. Money feels like a selfish reason not to do the surgery. Yet, is the surgery too much for my short legged buddy? I want to be kind, yet also cannot help but want him with me. So, I am sure I will shed more tears. As I miss having his face looking up at me for one more night. Praying that he will be fixed soon and back with me.

Please get better Cricket....

One step closer to you....

2011-02-17T10:24:00.000-06:00

Each day I take one step closer to you. Who are you? I don't know yet. What you look like, what you do and where you live I have yet to discover. I do know some things about who you are. You are an individual with a strong personality that equals mine. You laugh and do it easily. When it comes to life, you take big bumps and lumps in stride and keep your eye on the prize. Its all good. Part of the journey. I know you care about people, about community and society as a whole. You do your part. Whatever that is, big or small. You know what it is to be a parent, and appreciate the challenges and rewards. When issues come up in your interpersonal life you deal with them head on. Say what you need to say, ask the questions you need answered and don't go the route of passive-aggressive. Just like doing what I love and am passionate about is important to me, you feel the same way. You need challenge, and go for the opportunities that present themselves. It isn't about the money for you, its about the challenge, personal growth and satisfaction.

See, I am learning what it is I need myself and that I need these from you too. Just because I choose to be single right now does not mean that I don't think that you are out there. Maybe I have met you, maybe not. But more importantly I know that these things are possible. Some of it is blind faith, some of it hope, but a lot of it is that if you don't come along I will be okay with that too. As I meet other people along the way in the hopes of getting to you, I will learn more about myself and grow as a result. Oh, I want to meet you. I want to have someone like you in my life. To be challenged, to feel that true intimacy and connection where I can open up completely. Where I don't just show you one or two compartments of myself (like I have done in all my relationships this far) but throw the doors wide open. Where being vulnerable is safe.

And in return I will give you something pretty amazing. Me. Completely. I will be your teammate, and co-pilot. You can count on me to support you, believe in you and be there. Though it will be so hard for me, I will trust you and open myself to you. Share my ideas, dreams and passions. You can come inside my life. Feel my energy and share in it. There will be a confidence between us, where we trust and respect each other without any need for jealousy or ownership. Simple.

Though I have never had this, I know it is possible. Its out there! And I am willing to wait. Wait to be surprised by it or to be an architect in building it with you. You are out there. As I become more self aware I take one step closer to you.

Incredible beauty: part 2

2011-02-04T21:15:00.000-06:00

And this post is about the beauty of words. Words that reveal the soul of a person or touch your own with impact. A friend said to me that they are seeking to be a better person. To find truth and what it is that they need. To no longer have sex with people they are not in love with as when they do it they feel like they give away another small piece of who they are.

When I read this, I paused. Then I felt teary. Yes, I understand. When we just have sex-- it can be so physically satisfying and sometimes that is enough. Yet when what we really want is that connection and to feel love, acceptance and to be seen.... we end up giving a part of ourselves away instead of being empowered. Love is not sex. Sex is not love. Yet, sex can be done with love. Sadly, love cannot be created with sex. What I realized was that each of us needs to be so cognizant of what it is we really want. There is no shame in wanting something simple like physical satisfaction. There is no shame in admitting that you are a person who needs someone in their life to feel complete. We are each unique.

What is sad is when people chase one, or the other, or anything with the hopes that someone or something else will fill the space. My friend's honesty with me struck me so profoundly. I replied that "all anyone really wants is for someone to see beyond the veneer. To see the deeper 'us' and in seeing that person, we are bared. That someone will love us at our best, or worst. But more than that, that we feel completely understood and able to have that other person see the ME and not the person that they WANT to see...."

And I believe each of us can find this. Sometime. Perhaps we may only have that person for a short short time. I think I may have had my person like that some time ago, and at times fear I never will again feel that safety. Perhaps, perhaps not. I cannot dwell. Instead, I think just being provoked to recognize I still carry this person so closely to my heart, by the beautiful words given to me by my friend was such a gift.

Word are wonderful. Powerful. They can wound, they can heal. They can comfort. Some things are better left unsaid, I believe. Yet sometimes, we have to say the difficult to move beyond. Incredible beauty can be outlined with words, illuminating all the wonders that surround us.

Incredible beauty

2011-02-04T21:02:00.000-06:00

Sometimes we have things happen that strike us and overcome us. It could be a phrase uttered by a friend, or a situation that shows you your own capabilities. I have had both things happen in the last week or so.

The physical experience was to discover new life right here at work, in the barn. A ewe was pregnant, unknown by me (not unusual as it is very difficult to tell is a sheep is pregnant) and in the frigid cold she had two lambs. One was cold and dead, the other though growing cold was still alive. I was paralyzed for only a moment before I moved. Removing the dead lamb and explaining to my young daughter that yes, it was dead, yes it was sad, but sometimes nature knows best. I moved on to the living one. Feeling its frail body. Wanting to trust in the mother. I solicited advice from friends who grew up on farms, tried to stimulate the mom to react. Put up a heat lamp, but as time passed I saw that it was going to come to a decision. And in a split second I knew I could not leave this tiny scrap of life to the elements. Foolish perhaps, but I have this luxury as I am not a "real" farmer who has a flock of many sheep. I bundled the hypothermic lamb inside she went. I warmed her and rinsed her in water to gently raise her temperature. Then bundled her in towels, gently drying her. Then held her wrapped in warm blankets like the newborn she was, against my chest.

All night I held this little scrap of life. Hoping against hopes that I could pull her through. Trying. With help from a friend we got colostrum that I milked from the reluctant mom and fed via spoon. Then, I hunted down some milk replacer. Another tense night was spent with me arising every 3 hours to feed her. The morning I still felt we were on the edge. Yet, after last night and the excellent feedings today I see her growing more strength. Such relief. How much I want this little lamb to survive. How hard I am trying. As the bottle making and feedings take me back many years to my children's days of infancy! I am so weary.... yet I would not give it up. This little creature came for a reason. What a challenge. Am I a real farmer now? Not sure. But I do know I truly truly truly adore living things. Little snowy. Sweet little lamb.

Snowy
Legs splayed and shaky
Milky lips and silken ears
Showing me just how amazing and fragile life is.

What I be.... or want to be...

2011-01-23T22:16:00.000-06:00

I was driving and listening to the poetry of Michael Franti and Spearhead... something about his voice and words touch a part of me in a way I cannot quite express. The song that hit me between the eyes was "What I Be" .

It struck me as so simple. What I be is what I be. I am who I am. Imperfect yet perfectly so. Striving to be more. Yet, satisfied with the now too. Doing what I need to even when I want to avoid it. Being strong in my own 'gut' and inner knowledge that I have to do what I am doing. Do I love some one? You bet. I am learning to love myself. Really love me. Not just acceptance of my faults and imperfections but to love those cracks and fissures too. As much as I grow, change, and become better -- what I be, IS what I be. Who I am is who I am. And that is who I must be. No one else.

And that is enough. I am learning to accept it. As I accept others for what they can give, and what they cannot. There is nothing I want more than those around me to have the strength to BE just as they are. Not bend and change to my will or needs, but instead to be who they be. And be more of them. Focused in the strength of their individual power and uniqueness. To revel in the beauty of the moments, the world, the opportunity. When I think of those I hold in great esteem, it is those who dare to be. Just as they are. To bear what comes with that and move on. I may not like all facets of what or who they be, but I love them all the same. And the cool part? The love you receive from others in the place of acceptance is whole. strong. pure. secure. knowing. awesome. You don't fear losing it from these people, what we have is just more. It's base is so different than people who come and go... not that they are any less important or make less impact. Its just that those people you share this connect with are like direction on a compass. When lost, they remind you of what you be. Help you find north again. Set your ship back on course.

What I be, is what I be.

Feeling Good... and that is Good.

2011-01-14T11:44:00.001-06:00

I have had some time to just pull back and focus this week. My focus and efficiency at work has been great, I feel on my game! So to speak! The ideas are flowing and Spring and Summer feel just around the corner. Amazing. I have put my focus into my kids, my work and myself and it feels good. Really good.

I generally am a pretty good natured person, always positive as well. Like I indicated in past post's, I feel like I am standing on a hill with the ability to look back and look forward. That which is ahead of me seems to be coming into view. All the up and down and instability of the last six months is settling. 2011 truly does feel like a good fit, fresh start.

Weird how we tend to repeat behaviour isn't it? We look for security by bringing "same" into our lives even though we think we are bringing different in. Some patterns in my own choices are starting to come to light. I am so lucky to have friends who call a spade a spade and don't worry about hurting my feelings (initially that is!). They have pointed out the patterns I suspected. Hope I can follow their advice and my own goals clearly.

The Sundance channel has been free this month and I have caught some incredible programs. Some funny, others poignant, one program very very thought provoking. I recommend any music lover, truth seeker, and those wanting to look deep within themselves and ask tough questions to watch some of these....

www.whataboutme.tv/#videos

What about me? What a question. It rings with meaning.... definately reflects Western ideals... and this program really does a great job of crossing borders, boundaries and cultures... asking questions.
Check it out.

In the middle with eyes forward

2011-01-07T17:08:00.001-06:00

While I have made no real resolutions, its funny how for the first time the start of a new year has had some real mental impact. I think it is related to the half year, half way, almost there feeling that I am having within my life. The last six months have been exhilirating and empowering, but in their change nothing has had a chance to feel solid. As I start this new year of 2011 I fully feel that I stand in a place where my eyes are looking forward to a place that is mine. A space I create, own and occupy.

In the past half a year when I cast my eyes behind me I see shadows of myself. Me, but not quite me. Me trying to be wholly myself, authentic, yet in the last half year I have been working to find that equilibrium. That rhythm that is uniquely my own with each component of my life fitting in fairly cleanly. The balancing of my work, my goals, my children, my own happiness and inner development. Almost like I am in mid-life crisis, but at one-third of my way through!

So does that mean that when I look back at the last 5 to 6 months I feel regret? Absolutely not. Instead I have recently been able to see the importance and unique gifts that have come with each person. Some lessons from new people entering my life during the storm....
....there are friends who will give to you of their skills without expectation of re-payment.
....people come in and will solve problems or offer help if you are open to asking!
....our past shapes us, but we choose what we carry with us today.
....I can let people do things for me, and even though it makes me uncomfortable... there is something nice about it too.
....truly emotionally open and available people are amazing. Brave. Scary for people like me! Yet inspiring too.
....What others do, they will do. And it really is not about you. At all.
....It feels good to care deeply and give that to people freely. It is not dangerous when you are willing to give and have no expectations of a week, month, years from now.
....'cause you can't get hurt when you realize what others do is not ABOUT you, but their own reaction to you based on their own filters and assumptions.
....I like the practical, rational and calculated nature of my emotional expressions. Its who I am. And I like it. You can only change for yourself, not others.
....Ownership is a disgusting part of relationships. That people feel that their significant others or friends are 'theirs' is beyond me. I find it quite puzzling. So un-evolved. We own no one. We control nothing but ourselves and the choices we make. I know more now than I did before I reached this point that, traditional concepts of relationships do not work for me.

The new people who have entered (and some have left) my life in the last six months have left really significant imprints on me. I think it was due to the lack of structure and openness I had to everything. As I cast my eyes forward..... gazing outwards across the plains from atop the hill... I see open opportunity. Potential. And I feel strong, fairly content, very grounded and very ME. A good thing!

What are you resolving to do?

2011-01-01T11:28:00.000-06:00

Are you a resolution maker as the new year approaches? Not I....

To make resolutions for your life on a single annual event seems ridiculous. Are we not constantly evolving and learning? Growing in who we are? Who is to say a wonderful lesson might not come on another day of the year? Would you wait until the new year to make a change?

Probably not. Everyday I feel like I am making a deal or resolution with myself and the world around me. It goes something like this...

Let me have clarity and simplicity.
Let me touch others with love and kindness.
May I be honest with myself and true to my inner guides.
Let me not be afraid to be who and what I am. To work with that and grow.
Let me have courage to do what I must and find happiness in the minutiae.
Love with no boundaries or expectations.
Love because I want to. Regardless of where it takes me.
May I work hard to touch the world around me in a positive way and make something, however small, better because I tried.

Are you gagging at this? I know. Cheesy. Honest however. It is a mantra of sorts for me. When it all boils down, this is what I am about. I work doing what I do because it is a part of who I am, an expression of my passions and a way to perhaps touch the world or my community and make small positive changes. In the last year I have opened my heart in new and different ways and I am working hard to drop expectations that have been fed to me since birth. Those societal rules. Instead, I am opening up and allowing my heart to grow. This is being true to the deeper me as I really do not like many of those social norms we force love and such into. What wonderful people have come into my life and enriched it in ways I will carry with me for always. I hope to cultivate these relationships.

So those are the deep in the dark depths resolutions... the surface ones?
Take more time to be creative and do it alone
Perhaps take up yoga again
Plan a garden and nurture plants again
Be on time (no more 10 minutes late, so 2010!)
Cultivate a cleaner vocabulary (less cursing)

Happy New Year loved ones.... may you make it all you wish for and dream of

Gotta dream a dream...

2010-12-24T07:57:00.000-06:00

And according to my standards, this dream is still in a bit of the fantasy category as I have yet to start making any plans to take me there. No roadmap devised as of yet. So what is this dream?? A variation of the long standing fantasy.... the dream of owning a few acres and building a "green" home. Grey water recovery, low energy requirements and construction that is reflective of the area. Y'know, using those rammed earth, local materials, or straw bale construction. Boy, has green construction come a long way since I first came across straw bale and environmental systems at an outdoor centre I worked at over 10 years ago.

It's funny, I have been fascinated with the whole concept of green building for some time. But, it was with the past couple of jobs I have had that I have come to truly appreciate the potential importance of green building. To be able to get as far away from dependence on conventional systems is increasingly appealing to me. Am I turning into one of those wild eyed, crazy idea'd, apocalyptic people? No. Highly unlikely. I am however increasingly aware of the unchecked growth of our society and its unsustainable nature.

So I dream my dream. A dream of independence. A dream of a lighter environmental footprint and sustainable future. Independent yet still connected to a community. One where interdependence creates stronger ties and goes against the Walmart's and strip malls of today. A sort of back to the future dream. Where what was good about the past is combined with the technology of today. Really integrating our knowledge instead of ignoring the wisdom of other cultures and times, to blindly push forward.

A dream of a personal space that is in rhythm with the earth, meets the needs of my life, and is a part of a bigger picture where society moves toward a more connected and ethically conscious. A dream, a fantasy..... whatever it is, its mine.

A woman of substance.... A woman of contrasts...

2010-12-19T18:49:00.002-06:00

Time passes quickly by. Minutes blending quickly into the form of a day, weeks into months marked by seasonal changes. For me, it is the changes in weather that seem to demarcate the passing of time and much less the rigidity of a calendar.

Our recent snowfall was one of these “time passing” moments. Suddenly it was winter. Summer long past and fall a seeming blip on the screen. Walking through the fields and having light snow at my feet and not the lush green I had started with. It made me stop and realize that wow.... my life has really changed dramatically in the past 6 months. That to dream is to think of possibilities and to try to make those dreams reality is to live within the space of your heart. When I do this, I have a feeling of wholeness. My John Deere experience definitely triggered this. John Deere you say? As in green tractor? Why yes.... indeed.

This snowfall meant my workspace out of doors needed clearing. Waiting not being my strong suit, I figured I would go and take a look-see at the tractor with the snowblower attachment. How hard could it be to figure it out? So, with a little trial and error I got that bad boy running and the blower working. There I was, me, sitting astride the tractor (albeit a small one!) blowing snow out of the laneway. Who would have thought that I, oh one of two degrees, certificates etc etc.... would be mucking out sheep stalls and snowblowing laneways?

The funny part is the ease with which I slide from mucking a sheep stall, clearing snow to pitching our organizational vision and building partnerships. Building workable budgets and accessing government funding are all under my umbrella of duties. Along with the snow and sheep. I love it. So many people would shake their heads at my love of this. That I can go to the Symphony and wear formal attire, or ride a tractor-- all the while smiling and being no one but me. Crazy me. Weird wild me. And man, it feels good to be no one but me.

Yes, I was inordinately proud of my ability to get that tractor going. I admit it. Silly girl. But, it is that stuff of believing you can. Going for it. Living that dream and accepting that should you fail, you at least tried and you own THAT! Ask yourself..... how much of your life do you own? Are you going for it? Are you on stage or always waiting for your chance – doing the dress rehearsal again and again? Could you die in your sleep tonight and be okay with the imprint you have left behind???

Who do we trust?

2010-12-01T11:46:00.001-06:00

The organization of human beings into a social collective is a strange weird wild thing. We in pairs or small familial groups are able to govern ourselves. As the group grows, the need for rules and regulations increases in order to stay in "order". We then have to devise a system of how to transfer the responsibility to govern this social collective to one person or a group of people. How do we decide? And then how are we to ensure that they truly will carry out that which is in our best interests?

All this thought has been brought to the surface by my thinking out how I "feel" about the wikileaks kafuffle and the response of various governments. My though process today has been brought to something my mother said to me "don't say anything you are not willing to stand behind and say directly to those you are talking about". So what if the US Ambassador called Putin an "alpha dog"? Isn't it true? When is keeping information secret necessary and when is it not? Should we not be allowed to police those who police us? Where is the continuous flow of power between the decisionmakers and those being decided for?

I guess where I am at is that perhaps the people making these decisions under "secrecy" are getting lazy with their ethics as the blanket of secrecy makes them feel all cozy and safe. Perhaps it is good that Desange is shaking the tree. Someone should. If you are doing something that would endanger others if it was public, maybe we shouldn't do it!?

It somehow seems to me to come back to things very simple. Like authenticity of self. Would you spend all that money if everyone knew your new purse, clothes and image were all just bought on credit? That you really didn't own any of it? Would politicians be so blithe about their stereotypes of welfare recipients if they had to deliver their comments DIRECTLY to those who receive it? What I am saying is we are a society who is becoming less responsible for what we do and say. Maybe getting back to the basics of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" and the "golden rule" might not be a bad idea. And if you are not doing something nice or saying something nasty, be responsible for it! What a revolutionary idea!!!

This is what wikileaks all boils down to for me. Who do we trust? Why are people getting all bent out of shape? Why ARE people keeping things on the 'down low' ?? If we want openness, we need to be ready for it. Is your trust well placed? Would you be able to stand tall if all was out for others to see?

Who do we trust? I don't know. I trust myself to do what is best for me. Best for my children. Beyond that, trust is one of those difficult ethical extensions.

Nothing is forever

2010-11-16T15:00:00.000-06:00

Nothing is forever.... a phrase which seems to be ringing throughout my life. There are many things we think of as being 'forever'. For many people it is like they associate "forever" things with control and permanence. Ever noticed that the tighter you hold on the more worried you become about potentially letting go? Not having fear of something not being "forever" and you relax and enjoy the now.

What can we guarantee and say is forever? Life? Nope, age or illness takes that away. Our kids? Well, they don't stay little! Our marriages? They have people in them, and people change and grow. With that changes occur to the structure and our perception and reality is renegotiated. Our houses? They can burn down. Our way of life? Imagine having lived through the depression, world war two, the sixties, birth of colour tv, space travel, computers, cell phones.... surely you would say nothing comes with a guarantee of staying the same.

Every day the sun does come up. Every day you do have the choice of how you will live it, even if that just involves the little things or your attitude. Every day is different. Just when you think it is predictable, it becomes unpredictable. Perhaps "staying calm and carry on" really is the best advice. To it I would add "stay calm, carry on with a smile on your face and knowledge that happiness is a choice. Be kind, be loving, be yourself".

Will this make the unpredictability and lack of "forever" in our lives any easier? In the moment, no. But when you take a breath, look around and at what is.... it can.

Belief Systems

2010-11-10T11:52:00.000-06:00

In University we often talked about belief systems, and how they motivate our behaviours. With my new role I have to be a spokesperson and cheerleader for the organization. I also need to be very aware of my own opinions and beliefs. Recently there has been a fair bit of press coverage opportunities which have challenged me significantly. When you have 2 minutes to say it, you better know what it is you are trying to communicate. Today I came to a realization..... despite being a left wing type person, I am flexible.

Let me be specific.... I like regulations to some extent. They serve a purpose. But they are not a solution. Just a tool. While just letting the market run its course is not a solution. As I thought more after my interview regarding a specific proposal I realized, dang, I am irritated that people lack the intelligence and capacity to see the connections and nuances that surround any issue. That people who lead our government are not able to understand nuances scares me silly.... but that is another subject!

I realize my opinions and ideas are flexible and that is okay! I don't have to prescribe to one set. I can like one part and not another. As long as I can explain it! I guess this is why I cannot "do" organized religion. They really don't like when you pick and choose! LOL! As life forces me to further expand my understanding of what it is I believe in, prescribe to, make decisions by.... I am enabled to learn more about who I really am.

And knowing who I am and what I believe allows me to be flexible and challenge myself to be open to new ideas.

Ready to Fly....

2010-11-04T20:27:00.000-05:00

As I sat in the quiet of my house this evening, happy to just be -- I realized that I am ready to fly. Fly into some uncharted areas. And you know what I realized? I wasn't afraid of getting hurt myself, or even of failing. What I was most afraid of was hurting those around me.

Where does that come from I wonder? I am willing to take risks, give it a go, just terrified of screwing up and hurting those around me. Perhaps this is experience and my subconscious poking around in my head? You think?!!

Its my guess that being ready to fly means setting out those flight plans, taking safety precautions, checking fuel levels and the weather..... but in the end you have to jump. You can only control so many factors. And like everything..... there is a point where you just have to go with the gut and DO IT!

Screwing up, hurting people you love and genuinely care about really sucks. Carrying the knowledge of what you did does too! We can only work to not repeat our errors, do our best to make amends, and grow from it. Not make it a big waste unjustified.

I am afraid to take the leap
I am happy to make the flight plans and fuel up
Taking safety precautions makes me feel like I am not repeating past errors
Yet....
Sometime I have to jump and test my wings.
Believe in myself, and it.
Whatever the it is.
A person or situation.
Just do it.
Try.

Big breath and .......

Unanswered

2010-11-02T13:28:00.000-05:00

Sometimes questions must be left unanswered and paths left untravelled. I wonder though, how do some people seem better able to just shrug their shoulders and putter along? Learning to let go, move forward, take a new path.... all good things. What has passed, has passed and isnt anymore. Though as humans we cannot help but wonder what if? What if I said this or that, what if I had just held on a little longer, what if I had said what I wanted to say sooner? Notice that my unanswered questions all seem to relate to people??

So many people have entered and left my life. Many I think have no idea of their impact. No clue that a piece of me left with them and a piece of them is still in me. In losing a parent I was blessed to have had the chance to close the circle and answer the questions before death interfered. In a way, it is not having death between you and another person you have not closed the circle with that seems so bothersome. My perception based on the way I feel anyway. I realize other people guard who they are more closely, keep their cards to their chest. Not I. I am me, fully, completely, wholly and in the last year and a half.... no one else and okay with it. Perhaps that is why I need to ask the questions, close the circle with others. When I open myself (even if they choose not to receive) if the connect is made I need to learn the lesson and see both sides to close the loop.

Could it ever be I wonder,

is the loop closed for us?

Too right with you being you
and I being I,
unexpected and even addictive.
The circle is yet to be completed,
what will be will be.
Truth has a way of coming out,
and the truth of what was and may be
still remains to be seen.
We all must reach for our happiness,
unlocking it from within.
Have you found yours?
Asked for more,
what you deserve?
I'd like to be your key
flinging open the doors of your heart
letting the sun warm
and beautiful happen.
But you are there
and I am here.
I am not sure I know
you
the way I thought I did.
This possibility cuts deep
and
I hope to be proven wrong
sometime
somewhere
somehow.

Entering the Surreal

2010-10-29T18:48:00.000-05:00

Ever had those moments where at the time everything seemed the norm, yet later you shake your head? I had a few like that today. As 3 fairly important local business people sat in my small office and tossed about ideas, me as an equal communicating my mission and goals, all felt normal. Yet now, hours later I think "holy cow! I sat there, was treated as an equal!!! Someone worthy of consideration. Was offered guidance. WOW!"

Sometimes we are stuck feeling like that little kid still. I have made it. Made it to a place where I am connecting with people who can help me realize some dreams. Made it to a place where with the help of others almost anything is impossible. Made it to a place where I attempt to straddle profit and social profit. Made it to a place where I have enough experience to carry some weight to my ideas. Not just a kid anymore.

Okay, I do realize there is responsibility with this. The wildest part? I do not see this as a stepping stone at all. I am fully in the moment and loving the now! Connected to it, passionate about it and invigorated with the possibilities.

Funny, but I can see how my enthusiasm, passion and drive would scare some people especially men. And I am good with that. Why you ask? Mostly because I am realizing that we cannot apologize for who we are or what we are. When we draw people to us who want to share in this, and are as excited about the potential world out there as you are.... it can be amazing. They add to the colour, depth and flavour of things! They are so well worth waiting for. Ahhhh.

More please!

A woman of contrast...

2010-10-21T14:37:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been thinking the best way I can describe who I am is a woman of contrast. There are so many things about me that seem one way, yet are really another. My strengths are my weakness, and my dreams are my reality, though I wish the reality was more dreamy at times!

Some of those contrasts are...
.... capable and strong. Independant and fearless. Yet fearful of becoming too dependent and yet again being put aside.
.... good at lots of things, what a multi-tasker you think! Yet, not an expert at anything and oddly enough -- cool with that.
.... deep thinker and cerebral. Yet can be as silly as a 4 yr old child and as crass as they come.
.... expect a lot from myself and set the bar high. Yet I do not hold others to my standards and instead accept what it is they are capable of.
.... bold and sassy woman, yet deeply empathetic and easily hurt.
.... love beautiful and pricey items yet happy with a beach found treasure. I weigh need verses want consciously.
.... have values and beliefs I hold as important and really do try to live them. I hate bottled water, I am conscious of my food choices and the energy my existence consumes. Yet, I am not rigid. There is a time and place for everything.
.... am a very affectionate and loving person. Touchy feely with my kids. Yet, I max out on touching sometimes and feel drained. I have a high need for personal space.
.... there are few questions I would not answer honestly. Yet, for all my openness there is much that is guarded.

As I walk a path openly inviting a walking partner to join me intimately, I wonder just how I should act. Be more one dimensional? Be fine with the complexities? Not worry about the darkness or light but dance in the mist of sunrise or sunset.... that in-between space that is like grey?

While others are day, or night.... I am neither. I am the space between. Not quite one or the other, never exactly fitting. The space that sits in the sliver of consciousness resting between either concrete time. Not quite one, or the other. A bit of both. Contrast.

Make it AWESOME!

2010-10-14T14:25:00.000-05:00

And I mean awesome in the way it was meant to be used. As a word of significance and power. One which evokes something in your gut. Not just a passing comment about something that can pass as run of the mill.

Make your own life awesome, awe inspiring, or just plain ol' damn good. Find out what you do well, and do it. Be who you are and always strive to be better. Choose relationships that build on the positive, not the negative. Recognize all the opportunities in your day where you can smile! Instead of matching someone else's negative attitude with your own, pass it by. Feel sympathy even that they are stuck there and not able to work it through and let it go. Do these and feel awesome. Sure, we sometimes wake up tired, hardly awe inspiring. But, can you still do things during that tired day that build you towards a life of meaning, fufillment and love? Definately.

Some people bring the desire to be better out in us. Recently I met someone who has a unique ability to make me pause and see the great strides I have already made towards creating my own personal awesome. They have held up a mirror where sometimes (not always!) am I able to see myself the way they do or others do. WOW. Sometimes a wee bit mind bending. It is with their love, appreciation, support and positive personality that I am swept up and made to see the steps I have taken and not get overwhelmed with the barriers I am currently facing.

From Neil Young....
Tomorrow is a long long time
if you're a memory
Trying to find peace of mind
Spirit come back to me,
Give me strength and set me free
Let me hear the magic in my heart.

Love and only love
will endure
Hate is everything
you think it is
Love and only love
will break it down
Love and only love,
will break it down
Break it down, break it down.

Beautifully Said

2010-10-07T16:39:00.000-05:00

From Pablo Neruda... some words changed by me.

IV
You will remember the lapping of the waves
where sweet emotions began
and sometimes a bird, wearing water
and slowness, its winter feathers.

You will remember those gifts of your body;
indelible scents, silken edges,
trunks rising around us as wind whipped
magical moments like thorns

You'll remember the moments you took,
park benches and sculptures
reaching out in unfettered
like you wished to

That time was like never, and like always.
So we go there, where nothing is waiting;
We find everything waiting there.

...... I love Pablo Neruda's words and emotion. As I thought on a moment of great significance in my life I thought how to communicate this using words. Using words as I move on with my heart, my head conjuring phrases to capture and immortalize the moment....

Living, Learning, Loving

2010-10-06T08:23:00.000-05:00

I think there is a book with the title of Living, Learning, Loving. It seems right for a title right now. I have been so incredibly busy with life, finding but a moment to stop and write here has almost been impossible! I have been living my life fully and trying to experience each moment. Living my job is part of who I am, and it gives me incredible satisfaction. For me, my job is not just a job but instead an opportunity that an organization has given me to live out my passion to educate and connect communities to new ideas and knowledge. When I have the chance each day to support this why would I NOT be driven to live each moment fully?

Work also provides ample chances for learning. Managing others is a learning curve for me. Determining how much training is needed when you balance out people's desire for control and input into their individual jobs. Making the shift from the educator to manager has been more challenging than I anticipated! It has made me appreciate my own skill as an educator, and also attempt to incorporate my true belief in people into a managerial style.

Personally I continue to learn to balance work and life. Challenged daily to be a better Mummy, to be fully present and loving. Learning to open oneself up again is also a lesson. Sometimes it seems we open up too soon, other times it feels impossible no matter how much we desire it. It feels good to learn what it is that we need emotionally, mentally, and to feel comfortable recognizing that many people are wonderful but just not good for you. Learning means accessing knowledge. Knowledge is powerful. More powerful when you are able to use that knowledge when it is most applicable....

And I am using that knowledge in how I love. Being honest with what I need, what I want, what I am willing to let go and what I am willing to move towards. Loving your children, your friends, your pets is easy. Allowing someone into the darker recesses of your heart is so much harder. More complicated. Without the purity of the love for your children, the simplicity of true friendships, that intimate and soul-revealing love is so challenging. In my living, I have learned, that loving is not always simple. Loving intimately requires letting go.

Regularly it crosses my mind that in both the good and bad of my life there have been lessons. Lessons that have made me ready to be where I am now. Ready to open up to loving and being loved while completely exposing my inner self.

On a campaign trail...

2010-09-25T16:47:00.000-05:00

With a degree in Political Science and a long time fascination with politics, you would think I would have been involved in a campaign by now. In reality, nope! Study vs reality is interesting. My assisting a friend in his bid for a City Council seat came via "I'll help you but you owe me" situation. It is my payment to the piper!

So I took on my first time at the "door to door" thing. Its really kinda cool. You meet all kinds of people. Hear interesting things and sometimes get hilarious responses. Or people who peer at you through the door, worried you are some religion peddler. As the evening went on I felt like I was getting the hang of it. Almost enjoying it. It was driving down the street a few days later that gave me a kick. All those people we had talked to and said they would take a sign now had signs. It was like my candidate 'owned' the street. A cool feeling. Especially cool because this guy is really genuine. A good person who is astute and knows how to play the politics game so well. AND he is still a good guy with an amazing wife supporting him in this.

Its pretty awesome being carried with someone else's enthusiasm for a change. I suppose this is what some people feel when I draw them into one of my endeavors. It feels good to be part of something. I am actually looking forward to my next canvassing effort!

Whooooaaa...... wow!

2010-09-17T09:36:00.000-05:00

Man life is crazy. When you are looking, sometimes what you are seeking sneaks up and smacks you upside the head. I am so open to anything and everything in the 'space' I am in right now. Heck, I apparently mutter "wow" in my sleep. Must be my subconscious speaking aloud about all that I have experienced in the last fourteen months. Lessons. Should I list them?
1. People and life experience teach the best lessons.
2. People will love you, hate you, do things you cannot understand. And you know what? It isnt about what you are/are not/have/do not have...... it is about what they are focused on. What you evoke in them. What you mirror back to them. They choose their response to you, not the other way around.
3. It really hurts when people do not live up to the potential you see in them, or the person they lead you to believe was reality. You can only see what others let you in to see, but on top of this we suffer from seeing what we want to see.
4. Being authentically who you are and centred is not always easy, but it is SO JOYFUL. Ahhh.
5. Opening your heart and head to all the possibilities and energies around you brings back incredible opportunities.

Today I feel touched by warmth despite the chill in my office (heat on in September??). I feel lucky. Despite knowing I am physically tired, I feel mentally refreshed today. Beautiful. I am believing in my 2% rule. Even when things are tough, I know I am tougher and days I have this inner feeling make up for those. Ahhhhh..... if you are reading this, I want you to close your eyes and feel my arms wrapping around you and giving you a REAL hug. One where you feel squeezed and drawn into warmth. Where our hearts touch for a moment, mine telling yours to feel the love around you. My lips touching your forehead and a silent wish resting there that you will feel wisdom and inner peace of self.

Growing Wisdom

2010-09-14T21:43:00.000-05:00

It was Confucius who said “There are three methods to gaining wisdom. The first is reflection, which is the highest. The second is limitation, which is the easiest. The third is experience, which is the bitterest.”

Ahhhh. Indeed. My year has without doubt been one of reflection. Looking at my own reflection, determining who it is looking back. Looking at the image of past behaviours and contemplating the "why" and the lessons learned.

Limitation is the challenge. Learning to continue to strive and try and move forward when all you are doing is running to standing still. How well I know this feeling. And true, each time has brought wisdom and when finally the limitations were passed, I saw their significance.

Experience is that which fuels the others. Without it, we would have nothing to reflect on and nothing to be limited within. One great gift I feel that has been given to me as of late is the ability to see the connections within my own experience. A sort of perspective, like I stand aside and all that was and is has focus in that moment. It isn't a feeling experienced consistently, but instead in stolen moments or times when my mind is finally still. So rare.

Looking at where I am, I feel rooted. Today I walked the gardens, and when taking a picture of the squash I took off my shoes and walked barefoot in the soil of the field. Sinking through, toes immersed in the fluffy soil, and what I thought of was "rooted". I feel rooted. And there is wisdom in that. Knowing who you are is wisdom, and being able to accept crap or beauty all in stride... that is important. It all takes time. But for all the soul touching people who have dipped but their toes in my pool, thank you. Some of you, oh how I wish that you had wanted to swim a while. Perhaps set up camp and visit the shoreline, explore the beauty. Not with the intent of permanent residency in your heart but with the bravery and desire to explore the wilds of me. Others, you came and went and I know why. Wisdom is to see the limitation of you, take the lessons you brought and accept the experience for both the beauty and pain. How could we know love if we did not experience indifference? How could we understand pain if happiness had not been had to contrast it with?

For me, the wisdom gained has been that everything includes elements of both. Like the yin and the yang, balance of black and white, light and dark.... It is all part of the deal.

Re-build, Re-focus, Re-configure, Re-.......

2010-09-08T08:45:00.000-05:00

All of the above seems to be where I am at. Phhhwwwthhh. Grrr. I am not particularly happy with what is the status quo right now. After a great weekend of escapism, it seems the energies of the world are set to pull me in and anchor me to the less than savory realities of adulthood. From my insurance company telling me they don't want to insure me anymore.... to bills piling up for all those adult requirements! There is a part of me just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can feel the panic rising, bubbling up in my chest and touching my lily (so to speak!).

I fear I am dropping the balls around me.... they are slipping out of my hands and spilling everywhere and I am scrambling to pick them up and am not sure why I am and what I am to do with them all....

Surely this too will pass. And yes, there are many good things. Damn my coffee tastes good! Yay, I can come to work without doing/brushing my hair! I can listen to any radio station I want at work! I have good friends who I know are there for me, I just have to reach out.

So, I will not curl up in a fetal position on my bed with the duvet pulled over my head (no matter how appealing it may be) and I will try to focus on lessons learned instead of feeling abandoned by the people who have dropped out of my life without explanation. Stay positive. Chin up. This too shall pass as I RE-FOCUS, RE-GENERATE, RE-CREATE who I am.

Boundaries

2010-09-05T16:34:00.000-05:00

It seems boundaries are meant to be challenged. Flexible, evolving, changing. Seems when I think I have one figured out and set --- someone waltzes in and causes a state of flux. I love it and hate it. I love the wow, I love the unexpected at the same time as hating it. Deliciousness of unpredictable and fear of not being able to control it.

In the mirror is me
the same face and smile
Just a more comfortable skin

Leaning in
I wonder what others can see if they look closely
into my eyes
Is it that visible?

The change of thought
Awareness
of all that is not
and what can be if only

I let it?

When one door closes, another opens up

2010-09-02T21:35:00.000-05:00

Letting go of them or this
Not easy
Realizing what you thought you wanted
Was not the case
Running faster to standing still
Trying harder and reaching farther and being more
Yet,
Being less.

It is what I am learning
What I am gaining
To stop and see and feel and be
Turning and catching that glimpse of me and recognizing her
Opening up and letting them, it, all
In

Terrifying
In its beautiful possibilities and options
Endless in the now
Wanting no promises or securities but honest clarity

Just the real now
Present and beautiful
Filling me
Testing and pushing me

Onwards

I need to think of "Awesome"

2010-08-30T15:24:00.000-05:00

If you haven't heard of the book of Awesome, you need to go to 1000 Awesome Things . It is incredible. He started the whole blog up when he was in a dark place and in need of focus. Focus on the GOOD things around him. The little things. And gosh darn it.... it worked. Like everyone (everyone being those life coach people) says, if you begin to appreciate simplicity, the small things, your life becomes richer. The first time I read parts of his book I howled. Some are just so funny. Overall, I was left with the sense that as we become more individualistic and drawn into thinking "I am just SOOoooo special", we really are all the same. We have all crawled back into bed on a cold night and marvelled at the warmth of the cocoon of sheets. Most of us have had the sensation of fufillment when really really thirsty and you have that gulp of water. We are all living things that have pretty similar experiences (north americans anyway). Not so unique.

So, I am thinking I should start my tally of awesome. Maybe put it as a side bar? Hmmm. There is a thought. Something to remind me that no matter how crappy I feel, or anxious my mood, there is good to be found and thought of!

Surrender to the Chaos....

2010-08-28T19:49:00.000-05:00

The advice that resonated with me at this moment. Surrender. To let go, give over, "relinquish your will".... ah, yes. Surrender. What a tall order, and yet a wise one. I felt a few moments of surrender as I did chores and cared for the animals this evening. Smelling the cooling evening air with that distinct rich flavour. I felt my shoulder relax a good two inches south!

I think the concept of surrender is one I need to practise more. To surrender to that which I cannot control and trust that what will come, will indeed come my way. That people and things will arise in the given situation. Friday brought a call that was both unexpected and expected at the same time. I made my move, then surrendered knowing that I have moved far enough forward that I had surrendered to the situation. It was not within my control, I wras not about to engage in it nor event participate in a small way. What surprised me was that my request was heard, and I was allowed to not participate. Thank you.
In my life I am trying to feel more fully my own singular reality and understand how it affects and connects with others. Taking responsibility for only that which is mine to hold and carry. Sounds easy enough.... but not for me.
How we grow. How we learn! How I understand how people can want to "check out" whether it be through addictions, suicide or nervous breakdowns. The funny thing? It is just recently I have had this feeling strike and many around me have sent me messages affirming my strength and giving encouragement. If I just let go.... the universe will send what it will.... I hope anyway.

Decompression

2010-08-24T07:03:00.001-05:00

I am off for a few days of decompression thanks to a good friend and her cottage. Ahhhh. Feeling swamped by the overwhelming realities of a management job where I am the captain of the ship.... Whew. Focus. I think this few days will allow me the time to filter and refocus and get that perspective the day to day is just not allowing me.

I feel a bit sad as it is our last week of regular summer programming so I lose the daily contact with my University student summer staff. They are such a wonderful crew, it will feel decidedly lonely with no kids running around and no staff to distract and make me laugh. The summer flew by. Incredible. Time flies when you are having fun! And DAMN I am having fun.

It feels like fall is sneaking up. Cooler mornings and the Black Walnut trees seem determined to cover my car with leaves! As I look back over the summer I smile. Not unlike this year, wow, has this summer ever been one filled with incredible life lessons. Sadly, a couple really important people have fallen out of my life but perhaps that is for the better. A few new people have entered and brought a wonderful new realm of possibilities to me. It is life, it has its ups and downs but no matter what.... it is good.

Clarity

2010-08-20T19:50:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you need it and want it. Other times you "got it" and sometimes, it feels like something you just never will have. I am always reminded of a saying my best friend since Grade Two says... "life is like juggling. Keeping two balls up in the air is one thing, but add a third or fourth to the mix and something is always hitting the ground". Ahhh. Wise woman. I think this goes well with clarity. You may have clarity on one or two fronts but never on all. Hell, that would make life downright easy would it not? As I laugh heartily at the thought...

Clarity I am finding in my personal emotional space. After turmoil and struggle and feeling alone in a relationship, I finally have CLARITY as to why. What it was that I had to learn. What it is that I need in the next relationship. What I find funny is how nonchalant I feel about marriage ever again. That I feel like maybe, maybe not - as to going down that road. That when I read all these dating articles about women wanting "committment and to have that security" that I feel like saying 'not this cat'! Do I want someone in my life? Absolutely. Do I want to date and date and date incessently? God no. Exhausting. Too much crap out there to wade through! I would however like that someone to craft an alternative relationship with.

So, just what does this alternative relationship look like? Ah, the clarity of what I need comes into play here! My plan would be to have one person with whom I am connected. We spend time together as life allows, but have our separate space too. We act as each other's professional and personal sounding boards and provide encouragement for the other to reach higher. On the other hand, also the soft space to fall if one should need it. Each brings their whole, not a part! I don't want to be a singular unit but instead a stellar kick ass team. I'd want modified monogamy... in that we would be monogamous but should the need to step outside that arise it is openly discussed and if okay, that space is granted. Ahhh... you see how un-marriage like it is? Is it a mind f**ck for you or do you get it? It is all about clarity in where I myself am at. It wouldnt work for everyone. But damn, it'd work for me. The space where each person is their own -- yet space for each other put there too. Separate yet equal. Space and time to want to be with the other person again. Enough space to not take them for granted.

Clarity. Mind space. Perspective. Rumination with results.

S'all good, baby. S'all good.

Thank you.....

2010-08-18T14:48:00.000-05:00

.... to all the wonderful people who emailed me, sent me cards and wrote on my Facebook Wall to say happy birthday! So many people. People I never expected to take the time to say hello! What a wonderful feeling it gave me! Simple pleasures. Truly. I had an amazing evening out, taken out for a fantastic dinner -- wined and dined so to speak. Great conversation, great food, great company. It is then that you realize how good things can be. If only for that moment. Or longer if possible. No guarantee or expectations.

Then there are those who I didnt hear from, and though disappointed I sorta expected it. The "sorta disappointed" I think arises from discovering the truth you had hoped was not, in fact is! If you follow! But, when the wonderful outweighs the not so great many times over, you know you are good. Laughter here!

As I approach life on my own terms I am working to remember I have lots to offer others, that each of has a place and people will come in as they always have... to enrich our life.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2010-08-17T08:12:00.000-05:00

Another year upon me. Another year older and wiser (I hope). If I sit back and ponder on the past year it has been pretty monumental....

Career change, job change, house sold and bought and moved again.
Love found, love lost, love ended.
Focus found. Heart opened. Opportunity about everywhere!
Job of my dreams.
New people.
Wow.

Happy birthday to me... I think I need a new pair of shoes...

Being Seen

2010-08-15T07:36:00.000-05:00

I am beginning to understand the desire people have to be "seen". It is this desire I think that is fueling my desire to find some sort of relationship now that my marriage is officially done, though the intimacy and connection has been gone for some time. My desire for being seen, for allowing someone to see me in my rawness and complete authenticity is very strong after being so disconnected (which makes me sad) for such a long time in my own marriage. How much I want to feel that connection.

I last felt that intense connection with someone I was in a relationship with when I was in University. Despite it not working out, I always felt like A really knew me. And I him. Many thought of us as a team, a dynamic duo! Driving in his car, listening to U2 and going wherever was a joy. We were able to revel in the moment. To some degree I recognize age and my youth had something to do with the ability to connect like this. While it was not destined to work out, I am so incredibly grateful for what he gave to me. Teaching me that there ARE people out there who will understand and appreciate you. See you for your inner and outer beauty. Eyes open wide and arms wrapping around you.

As I approach the idea of dating, it is sort of terrifying. What has not changed since dating in my 20's is the superficiality of people. You would THINK as people age and grow that they would recognize it is not so much what you want, but the things that are dealbreakers! No one can live up to a wish list, a supermodel's looks, or movies/novels. Life is complicated.

As I stand facing many possibilities of rejection, I must remind myself that I have had a good marriage behind me. Relationships with wonderful loving people who gave to me of themselves and helped me to grow. There will be others. I am not a half-asser in life. I don't want run of the mill. Chances are, if they pass me by I probably wouldnt have wanted them anyway. It is them missing out on me. I need to reaffirm that I am unique and deserving of good things. And they will come. No rush.

Think I will continue to pull back and just take time. Do work, my friends, my children and develop and grow my photography and art. If the universe could bring me to this point of great happiness in my life, it too will bring the right people in as I work towards authenticity and growth.

I still need a hug though!

Open up your heart and laugh!

2010-08-12T08:32:00.000-05:00

Just open up to the possibilities, opportunities, people, lessons.... and when you need to let go or even appreciate the moment....LAUGH!

This week has given me plenty of challenges from one of my kids struggling with life transitions, to server/hard drive crash (and subsequently not having any files being recoverable!), to physical things, to feeling a little emotionally vulnerable. But, on the flip side I have laughed so hard! I have felt so joyful this week. So appreciative of life and the opportunities presenting themselves! Here I am, in a new position with the chance to use my teaching, volunteer management and passion for agriculture! WOW! On top of that, the facility has animals that I get to enjoy daily. Since my arrival we have grown by 5, adding a baby miniature donkey and last night 4 sheep! Coaxing the sheep off the back of cube van last night was a laugh in itself. Poor befuddled and very wooley sheep!

My birthday is next week, and I have now blogged for over a year. Wow. I am amazed how it has flown and how today, right now, I am in a radically different place than 12 months ago! Last year at my birthday I gave myself the waterlily tattoo... and it has been a centering force almost! It went on as a symbol of what was, and the blossoming that was occurring. That was the beginning. I feel as though who I am has grown and strengthened, my focus grown clearer and I have drawn in the most amazing people!

What a year. If I end up doing nothing but sitting back with a glass of wine on my own for my birthday, that will be okay because man.... what a year. What a laugh!

Endings.... Beginnings.... Older, perhaps wiser.

2010-08-09T12:09:00.000-05:00

To begin is to step forward with a spring and a dream in your mind.
To finality and break of an end makes me sad.
I think of leaving somewhere special, saying goodbye to someone special, of letting go when perhaps you are not ready.

I love beginnings. Endings not so much. Yet, to begin something there has to be an ending. My visual image of his is a circle. A curve which clasps at itself. Bittersweet.

Endings have value in that they force us to take stock of what was and pause to think on what will be. If we so choose. So, I pause. Thank you to the last decade for the lessons it brought, the joys, the gifts, my children. My ending is not that any of this is going away or being shut in a dark closet, but that I have to let go of the security of what was to find the uncertainty of what will be.

“Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” RUMI

Lesson number 217 from a Blog I read regularly....

2010-08-06T14:33:00.000-05:00

Start afresh. Whew. Now there is a thought. It sounds so damn appealing and I thought "yeah yeah yeah" but when I slowed it occurred to me. Could you erase ALL the emails in you account and start fresh? Would you get rid of all the piled up stuff sitting on the desk and say "hey, its been there X number of days and I have not used it so far..." or can you just close the door on a relationship and say "fini"?

Surely everyone will differ in their answer but most of us would say no. Me too. But, her blog came at an interesting turning point where to some degree I am starting fresh. Today. What will I choose? Where will I go? Who will I be? Thank heavens most of these things are predetermined to some degree by life circumstances. To have to REALLY start fresh would be pretty terrifying. No family, friends, history etc. Amazing how we rely on our history. Others knowledge of us and the stories we have created and choose to uphold. Some relationships are nothing but that story we pretend is real even though if we chose to be honest with ourselves, the reality is as insubstantial as mist when compared with the story we have chosen to adhere to.

Many people right now are confused with what is going on with my choices in life. But others who know me deeply and with clarity (not the mist of story) understand. It is scary and good at the same time. Relief, regret, anxiety, happiness, respect, appreciation are all feelings that come to the tip of my tongue quickly at this moment in my life. I am not starting afresh 100%, but enough to feel the thrill and apprehension.

At the edge of the ocean.... I throw myself into the water.....

Good I swim well!

Metamorphosis: Instant Chemistry

2010-08-01T21:32:00.001-05:00

Beautiful and strikes me for many reasons... You? Click on title, read and see the beautiful picture.

Metamorphosis: Instant Chemistry

All you need is love

2010-08-01T21:17:00.000-05:00

Or so they say.

I went to a wedding and despite my usual lack of enjoyment of weddings I found myself deeply touched by this one. The ceremony was so much a celebration and embracing of these two people. Both them embracing a new path together, but also them gathering all us around them and pulling it together. The ceremony reflected them. Their vows were beautiful. I thought to myself "they get it". It seemed they understood the deep connection you need to someone as a friend, lover, companion, partner to make it work. Damn. Wish I had the same level of knowledge these two have when I decided to say yes to the marriage thing!

Instead of envious, I felt joyful at their glowing love. It inspired me somewhat. To actually entertain that I too might find someone I connect with on that deep level and be able to make a space and move forward with them. Marriage is an institution and not something I feel any pressure to enter again. I was lucky enough to be married to a great friend, and to have two great kids. A re-do of that is not necessary or possible really. But to feel that depth of connection, that love and soulful connect in your life would be beautiful.

As I work to be the best person I can be, authentic, honest, and to let some of my walls down.... perhaps I too will be able to find that love. Perhaps. Just knowing it is out there and possible however, is enough for now.

Time to process

2010-08-01T21:05:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think I've lost my mind
I thought I left my past behind
I live my life and all I know is
Follow your dream and don't let go

No one can live for me
No one can see the things I see
I walk this road
No one can tell me how to be
It's my destiny

There is no right, there is no wrong
There is no place where I belong
I've done my time
I've held it strong and
My life is all about this song

No one can live for me
No one can see the things I see
I walk this road
No one can tell me how to be
It's my destiny

If I threw them all away
Would it change?
No
I would live my life again, rearranged
There's a magic in my heart
That I feel
~Lenny Kravitz~

I am working to process things the way I always do. Take it, weigh it, find the lesson, process, move forward. Sigh. I thought I had a few key things figured out. And I do! But others are just too unpredictable. Blame it on the heart.

Where I am is here. Like Lenny said, no one can tell me how to be and it is my dream which I have to live. To live someone else's life path no matter how successful you are at that is a failure as it will never be true to your soul. It will never feel right.

A corner turned

2010-07-28T13:54:00.000-05:00

My path is one that seems curvy and twisted. Never quite sure where it will go. Yet, when I reach a fork in the road I am able to be decisive and make choices. They sometimes take a while, but I tend to be rational and weigh things out. Eventually doing what I feel in my gut. Recently I made one of those tough turns. It was such a hard choice to leave a marriage when I was still good friends with this person. I admit to questioning my own sanity! However, I knew it was right. Over time as we sorted things out, I recognized and appreciated more and more the person to whom I had been married to for over a decade. What a good person, great parent, decent person he is, was and continues to be. We are not the norm of people separating, I know this. What feels so good in this whole process is that as I explain to lawyers or accountants that we ARE not out to screw each other, WE TALK each day, and we RESPECT each other that we are so lucky. But also, we chose to be this way. I see that I am at a corner now where I can turn away from the marriage part, but feel good knowing the path I am taking also has him as a friend. While the state of marriage has changed, we have changed, our values remain similar and what we want as parents for our kids is still the same. I feel so positive that while something is ending, the possibility of something positive still being there.

Whatever the Weather

2010-07-25T16:09:00.000-05:00

Its better together.... the weather that is. At the baseball tournament for my kids on Saturday we were dumped on. Torrential rain. More rain than I have seen or felt in such a long time. The feeling of being totally wet, shoes sloppy, and recognizing more wet isnt really an issue... is a good thing. The hoots and tee hee's as little kids ran for the grandstands. The leaping and re-routing around parking lot rivers is always fun when you have a giggling child beside you. Yet one more reason to appreciate having your kids around. They ground you, keep you in the moment, and allow you to laugh at the moment at hand.

Sunday came with mid-night storms and a lovely coolness in the morning. As the day went on the sun shone and I felt great. Ideas bursting from my head, begging to be paid attention to. At work, at play, everywhere. Whatever the weather, there is joy to be found. Happiness in the moment. People around you who bring new insight and possibilities.

Uncertain is life. Transition is constant or we would be stagnant. Can I predict tomorrow or the next? Not likely, and since I have made hard choices I feel like I am being true and that ahead of me is nothing I cannot handle. That is a good feeling.

Sides to a story... yours, mine and the truth!

2010-07-22T14:44:00.000-05:00

I had to smile when I can across the sentence I used as the title for my post. How true! No story or experience is black and white. It is similar to how people can give eye witness accounts of an event and they can all vary radically! So it all comes to the question I puzzled on last night.... yes, there is more than one side to a story but how legitimate or important are the other sides anyway?? Once an experience has happened, hearing another side of what occurred cannot change how you felt that situation. To my mind, it does hold value as it can lessen or intensify the importance of that experience. It can shed additional light, or add new knowledge yet what is done cannot be undone. And in the end, it is the individual who gets to decide how they choose to absorb or ignore it.

I've been reading Marc Gafni's book "Soul Prints" and have found it so useful in this past year. His perspective on the importance of our unique soul print and how hurt occurs when we reach out with soul and are not recieved touched me. I thought on when perhaps I have tried to fit others into my concept of them instead of discovering how they themselves concieved of their unique self. I pondered over this and the situations I had passed an opportunity by, or I had been passed by. In the end, as he says..."It may be true that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line but that is only in geometry. In the complex calculus of life we create complex equations that yeild unpredictable results. The only legitimate fear in life should be that you are living the wrong story. To succeed in a story not your own is failure".

Those wise words have resonated within me. Each step I take is towards something. It may mean nothing to others yet in the end, that matters little as it is my path and my life story I am constructing. I don't want to create for anyone, only share. Be that ear, the mirror reflecting back the good in others they don't see, be the encouragement. Positive. Connector. Being no one else but the authentic and flawed me is beautiful. I finally feel like life is a custom made garment. I don't want to wear anyone elses clothes anymore, mine feel too good. I see the flaws, the imperfections and I strive to make them beautiful rather than hide them. My side of the story is a deep and winding story. Some day I hope to find someone I can truly share it in open honesty. In the mean time, I carry myself forward with an optimism for all that is yet to come.

Lessons... Not hurts so much.

2010-07-19T10:31:00.000-05:00

Well all, or all of you who read this and say oh oh, she hurts! I am not so much hurting as I am learning and struggling to find where I stand in my 'new' old life.

I spent lots of time with myself on Sunday. Had a fantastic nights sleep and you know what? Maybe not getting enough good sleeps is part of the problem!!! I am like a little kid!

So what conclusions have I come to?
1. I am strong and have my head on pretty tight. This does not preclude me from being naive now and again however!
2. I have made the right decisions and given ample thought to them.
3. Even when decisions are right, you still question the what if's.
4. Self Esteem can be strong in some areas and fragile in others
5. Life is not predictable or even controllable at times, but it is good.

Being at peace and being who you are, that is, being yourself, are one. ~Eckhart Tolle

Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek & find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it ~Rumi

I believe the two quotes above speak strongly to me and my need to focus on being alone and working on my inner self so that I am able to embrace intimacy of the heart when it comes my way and be able to accept all that I am and is around me.

Transitions

2010-07-17T12:08:00.002-05:00

Transitions and change ain't easy. Usually I am eager for change. Then it sets in and the tough transitions start. I feel caught in nowhere land as I separate from the life I know and forge forward into a new space. It is so hard. I don't have regrets really, and I feel great about the choices I have made. That said, there are parts of the situation that make me sad. Like disapointing others. Hurting others at their heart level. Or just plain not being who they thought I was. Sigh. My own Pandora's box is wide open. I have seen the contents and I have hope and faith it will all work out. It will. But, I am stumbling and getting bruised and cut on the way there!

I am feeling a bit used today. Used by someone that I mis-read. Allowed myself to believe that what they said was true. Only to have them go squirrelly on the other side. I thought a lot on it last night and realized it was disappointment in myself to some degree. To be used, you have to put yourself out there. I put myself out there and was genuine in intent. I wanted friendship. The irony is the other person confessed others had told her they felt used by her. At that time I thought "huh" to myself. Now I get it. I allowed myself to believe that what she said was true. I now feel used and wonder if it was all just a game. See who we can lure in and get what we want.

Never thought I was this gullible. Guess it is a learning experience. While I may be what I am, and say who I am, and be totally upfront... most who make that claim are not. They say it hoping that it may be true. I guess I feel shamed that I was fooled, my self-esteem deflated somewhat (which is dumb) and sad because I really thought this person was pretty cool and that there were some great opportunities for shared experiences.

So in the midst of my transition I think I will retreat and put on a bit of armour. I think I underestimated my own vulnerability in a place I thought I wasn't. Chalk one up on the list of learning! Just writing this feels better, and I know as the days pass I will look back with more clarity.

Ah HAH! I knew there had to be a reason!

2010-07-16T10:22:00.000-05:00

And who knows, I may even be engaging in a confirmation bias by feeling releived that there is a scientific explanation for the puzzling over people I have been doing!

So, confirmation bias eh? What is it? Quite simple actually. It is our own tendency to look for, put too much weight on, and recall preferentially information which supports our pre-existing or initial hypothesis.

WHAT you say?? How does this apply to your thinking on people? Quite simply, we see what we want to see and ignore for a long time that which we don't. We create an ideal person or mate or friend where perhaps the less than ideal traits in reality outweigh the fabulous. Now you get it.

Yup, I know I am guilty of this. My highly empathetic nature and willingness to looking deeply at a person to assess them is a great thing, at times. It allows me to see and appreciate even those people who are awful on the outside. It is also a drawback as it can make me overly sensitive. I am guilty though of acting on those initial "vibes" and feelings I get. From someone's energy and person. All of a sudden I began to see how just maybe, I had done this in a couple of significant relationships in the last while.

As we evolve and become more self aware we understand our needs and wants better. That said, we still fall prey to this confirmation bias. We meet that person who demonstrates an ability to fufill the need currently on our mind. At that moment we decide ahhhh... this clicks. Time goes by and we ignore the differences until they get prickly. As we pull away we are able to be more objective. And here is where that saying "hindsight is 20/20". With hindsight, we are able to examine our recollections and recognize their selectivity. Ahh.

So here is the question? How the heck do I avoid this with people so as not to get hurt? Not sure you can. But recognizing it, appreciating it and seeing it around me makes me more aware of my own limitations which maybe, might be protection in itself.

For more info : Science Daily

Into the Unknown : Have Courage

2010-07-14T08:37:00.000-05:00

What a wonderful post I read today on a blog I follow. It was the reading that sparked a moment of realization for me. The discomfort I felt last night was due to the unknown. The unknown heart and mind of another. The unknown intent of those around us. The unknown route of the path that I am on.

It is when you begin to feel stable that life seems to send you a wobble! When perhaps, you are confronted with reconciling the person you think you are with the person circumstances reflect back to you. It is the challenge to validate the emotions we have swirling and roiling at times in our bellies. Challenge as by validating them we are accepting they exist even if they are less than flattering. Anger, jealously, envy, fear, animosity. And funny enough, we are so hard on ourselves for having these feelings but if you voiced it to a friend they would probably understand. Nod their head, and if they were wise say something about determining whether it is a valid emotion or a roadblock you have created for yourself.

I know I create my own roadblocks and pitfalls. Yet when I work/act from my heart (my lily.... smile) beautiful souls come in. People who shine. A few such people have come my way like this lately. The impulse to reach out is strong. All I am doing is soul-ful in that I am acting with the inner me and less the socialized rational me. And it feels so good.

So. Into the unknown I tread. I have no roadmap or guide. No guide beyond my own heart, soul and experiences. All I have to lose is perhaps a piece of my heart here and there, but in that pain comes beauty and I think.... I think I am willing to risk it after being closed for so long.

My thought for today from Bill Ferguson ... As your walls of protection come down, you create love.
We put up our walls of protection to avoid hurt, but the hurt we are avoiding isn't outside ourselves, it's inside. So instead of keeping the hurt out, our walls of protection keep the hurt in. Instead of protecting us, our walls push away love, create opposition, and bring us more hurt.

The most powerful protection doesn't come from your walls, It comes from your love. When you open your heart and express love, you melt opposition.

Now look in the face of someone who is open with little or no walls of protection. What do you see? This type of person is happy and alive. This person has freedom, inner peace and a joy for living.

When You Open Yourself Up....

2010-07-13T14:52:00.000-05:00

The most amazing things come your way. The most incredible people come your way. The experiences you were afraid to admit you wanted present themselves as opportunities.

I am exhausted today... bone weary. New job, sick kids, not enough quality sleep and stress is catching up with me. And yet, here is the kicker. I am happy. I feel such gratitude for the open doors around me and the people who have walked through them lately. For the generosity they have shown me. Strangely enough, the cracking open of a guarded part of me I had not known I had guarded. It scares me to open that up, but if I am to fully experience it is part of the deal! Don't get without giving right?

Today I want to say thank you to the "universe"...

Thank you for the people you send my way
Thank you for the kindness they bring
Thank you for the strength I feel deep within
Thank you for opening opportunities up to me
Thank you for the chances I keep getting which reaffirm that my path is the right one for me, no matter how difficult

Namaste
"I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Integrity, of Wisdom and of Peace. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One."
Ram Dass

Back to thinking on Beauty

2010-07-07T10:13:00.000-05:00

I walked under my garden arbour covered on one side by a lovely clematis and then stopped. The blossoms were so plentiful. The purple so intense and lush. Stamens delicate and curled. Beautiful.

Then there is the beauty of a sleeping child. Curled amongst pillows and sheets with their hair curled against their cheeks, dark lashes, one hand flung outward and completely relaxed. Or the beauty of a moment -- when caught in traffic my son said cheekily, "Its a peanut-butter-jam of cars!". Ahh. Clever. Playing with words.

Or the beauty you feel inside when you know some things are just right. Just so. Falling into place and you are connected in a way you only dreamed of. Not everything can feel this way... can't have it all! BUT, some compartments of your life can feel just right and beautiful. Making the other parts more bearable.

The first lines of "A Thing of Beauty" by John Keats:

A thing of beauty is a joy for ever:
Its lovliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness; but still will keep

Baby Shoes

2010-07-05T11:36:00.000-05:00

"You can't fit back into your baby shoes. That's why you feel so uncomfortable, because they restrict, and don't fit you anymore". This was the advice given to me by a counsellor when I explained strains in family relationships. The root of the lesson was when we fall into old patterns though comfortable initially, they in the end will not and cannot fit where we now are.

What good advice it was. I know that I often am tempted to turn to the familiar and known path when faced with a choice of directions. And yet, I know that the best adventures and people are found when you choose the unknown. I am right now choosing the unknown in my personal life and its really quite terrifying and yet also freeing. It would be so much easier to do what others want or expect of me and ignore that voice telling me to step off the path. In my personal life I am now realizing that I am not giving up, but instead being brave enough to go for what I want and try to build a new structure for how I relate with loved ones.

"You're not a good faker" I have been told. True True. I'm not. When I am excited and enthusiastic I shine with it. When sad or struggling, I retreat inside puzzling things out. Whatever it is, I am. I have given up trying to be anyone but me and in that trying to be "me" I have made a number of major errors. I carry the weight of regret in my heart, though those hurt probably will never know. Perhaps with time the regret will feel more like a lesson and I will be able to nod "ah hah" instead of just saying I have learned and feeling vaguely shamed.

What it comes down to is I want to own both my past, present and future and know that I did what I needed to do. I didnt live for someone else. That I was brave (and maybe foolish) enough to go for what I want. So that as an old lady in the rocker on the porch, I can look back and see the joys, lessons, relationships and know I TRIED.

What kind of message are we sending?

2010-07-01T14:52:00.000-05:00

So I heard on the news this week that the highschool of Burton Cummings gave him a ceremony and presented him with his highschool diploma. What are we saying here? Drop out and get famous.... you get the piece of paper. Screw the hard work. He did say "Dropping out isnt for everyone. For every one person who drops out and gets famous there are 5 or 6 thousand who fail." Thanks Burton. Words of wisdom. Can you be my valedictorian?? Yay to the highschool for glorifying someone for their LACK of sticking to it at highschool. I hate honorary degrees. Come on. WORK FOR IT! Stick at it.

Then again. Who am I kidding. As if any kid in highschool even has a clue who Burton Cummings is!

Great Quotes

2010-06-23T15:12:00.000-05:00

Nothing is really that revolutionary or new. Someone else has probably already said it, done it or thought it far better than you. Age has taught me, don't bother re-inventing the wheel unless the re-invention is really really fun. I am one of those people who likes quotes and the thoughts that simple words strung together can provoke. Here are a few that struck me today....

“If I never met you, I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do, and I will.”

The manager accepts the status quo; the leader challenges it.

- Warren Bennis

Most people can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which their lives changed significantly. Whether by accident or design, these are the moments when, because of a readiness within us and a collaboration with events occurring around us, we are forced to seriously reappraise ourselves and the conditions under which we live and to make certain choices that will affect the rest of our lives.

- Frederick F. Flack

Few is the number who think with their own minds and feel with their own hearts.

- Albert Einstein

It is these quotes that spoke to me today. Their words making me smile, or sigh, or nod. I see myself in these words. What words speak for you?

Welcome to the Rest of your Life!

2010-06-22T12:58:00.000-05:00

I feel like there should be someone saying Welcome! This is the rest of your life! Step over the threshold and move forward... Do I dare believe it is true? It is. Here I am. At a desk, a physical space proof of a new position. One that takes each of my past experiences to have gotten me here, where I now sit.

It seems surreal to reach a goal you have set to achieve. Mine was to reach a certain position and here I am. The best part is that goal is not an end, but instead is a beginning. It is the opening of possibilities.... a whole world of learning through hands on doing!

This morning I walked the grounds of the facility I now "run" or "head up" and felt like my feet were firmly connected to the soil. As I read up on the founder I feel a great affinity with her, admiration for her accomplishments and drive to better the lives of those around not just around her, but around the world. A hugely successful woman when women did not do what she did. And yet, a woman descended from an original settler of this very area. Such inspiration!

So... here I am. I tell myself welcome! This is your life. Make it good. With this job I feel no need to justify that "if I do this job it will lead me here or there". Instead I feel like I can just be in and of the moment. Planning for today and building a future within this organization. Hands on. Up to my elbows.

Delicious.

Challenges of Intimacy

2010-06-16T12:55:00.000-05:00

If you thought my ponderings on intimacy were going to be sexual... think on! Sure, it goes there eventually but I am not going there this time! LOL!

What is it? As said by the almighty Wickipedia it is a relationship that is characterized by "enduring behavioral interdependence, repeated interactions, emotional attachment, and need fulfillment". It is that something intense, truly connected where you can be wholly yourself.

Simple right? I started thinking about this and wondered what is it that makes intimacy so damn hard? For me... it rests largely on the concept of 'enduring behavioural interdependance'. I don't do this well. Independent to the core, I hesitate to ask for help though I will be the first to offer it to others. As someone who has long felt let down and dissapointed by people I supposedly shared an intimate emotional relationship with, I struggle. The visual that suits me is a little girl trapped inside an adult body. I have the smarts and skills and analytical ability of an adult, yet, that little girl reaches as squashes the well thought out processes of that adult from time to time. It is that little girl who refuses to give up her independance because hey! You do that and you are just asking to get screwed right?? For me this becomes embodied in me being overly capable. Capable of being good Mummy, outwardly good wife, good community citizen, good human being... for the most part. The adult accepts that I do the best I can in each of my roles, the child inside says I am bad and suck. Honesty of children perhaps.

So. Where does that leave me? Today it finds me looking to turn a corner and work on letting intimacy happen. If I can let others in in that way, perhaps things I am missing will come to me. If I can think I am capable of unmasking and letting myself be worthy of love and intimacy maybe it will be so...

The thoughts you think becomes your words
The words you say become your actions
The actions you take become your character
The character you present becomes your future.

I feel strongly that the positive thoughts about my professional abilities allowed my words and actions to create my professional self that my new employer has taken on and allowed me the pleasure to shape my future.

My wish, my dream, my hope? That I can work on the personal intimacy I struggle with. Make it possible so that I can have good relationships with whoever my partner is. Perhaps it is my recognizing my own deficiency that has made me think I am just not meant to be married. But perhaps this is a self defeating thought, and by stopping this thought I am stopping the future being unmarried. If I think positive and I still have unfavourable outcome, at least I will know it is not due to road blocks I created.

Manifesting Happiness

2010-06-12T08:50:00.000-05:00

Know that there is nothing to prove & that the approval of no person except yourself can ultimately free you.

I would like to think that my success in reaching a goal I set for myself professionally is a result of both my hard work and my ability to find security and happiness within myself. In talking with a friend struggling with career decisions I could fully appreciate her position. Yet, I was amazed at how much baggage she carried with her with regards to leaving a past job. She could not be kind to herself and recognize that even though she misses that job, it was a good decision at that time. It was one made for herself. It is like she is chastising herself still and in doing so she is is paralyzing herself with doubts, fears and worry. I tried really hard to make her see the incredible person I see from the outside. That her fears are only in her own mind and that they are limiting. It is so powerful to take those limiting fears and eliminate them by finding answers or ways around them. Then, when faced with what you want you must decide do I really want it? Did I construct those road blocks for a reason?

In some ways I am recognizing that the work I have done over the past year (and more to be truthful) to be authentic has forced me to shed those limiting thoughts. That no one else can validate me. No one else can MAKE me happy. No one else can improve my life but me. It is my responsibility. What a scary reality that is eh? So much easier to blame our past for our insecurities, others for our feelings of alienation, our families or spouses for not being happy. It is all BULLS**T! To really look inside ourselves and be honest is terrifying. But also strengthening. If no one can tell you something you do not know and accept about yourself... when critisized you are stung, but you have the perspective to decide whether it is accurate or just them projecting their own insecurities.

As I pursue this growth of person I am amazed by the number of people willing to go through life in an un-authentic way. Those people just wander on willy nilly not ever looking deeper. I myself am so far from full acceptance. I struggle with insecurities and the urge to look outside for validation. Freeing myself from my own self limiting behaviours is something I strive for each day. Is ignorance bliss? Sometimes. Perhaps. Yet, when we think about people we admire who seem truly happy (Dalai Lama anyone??) it is this very self acceptance they have achieved. It does not mean they are perfect or have never made mistakes. It means they have the ability to accept the lessons, the mistakes and learn from them. Move forward. And to act in a way that is true to themselves and in gentleness.

Waiting....

2010-06-07T05:53:00.000-05:00

And so I continue to wait. Wait and see if either of the jobs in front of me are truly mine or not. Waiting to see how I will go forward with my career and life. Waiting for things to unfold. Waiting.... ugh. I never was very patient.

If there is power in positive thinking and believing in yourself.... I am working on that. I felt so negative and discouraged on Friday. Brought to my knees, crying in the dark to myself. Feeling shaken, and reduced to not knowing where to turn. Saturday morning I felt the same, yet as the day progressed and conversations with others unfolded a new awareness came to me. What will be will be. I cannot control others, only myself. I can only be me, and even when I put on a good "show" for an interview etc... I am only me in the end. Me, with all my imperfections and flaws. The things I see so readily in myself and am always trying to improve upon. With a push from S and D, people who always remind me of my positives - I decided to change my energy. I am going to believe that the job is mine. I AM THE RIGHT ONE!!! I know this from my depths. I should be proud that I have been selected as one of two remaining candidates. So, now I focus on creating the same positive energies that S and D are sending out there....... that this job is mine. My time is now. Doors are opening.

It is the number of times I have been in this same spot of it being me or someone else that makes me negative. A somewhat unnatural state for me. I have been screwed, passed over and generally missed out every time in the past it seems. Always when I really care. Sure, I grew from those situations but nonetheless it makes it so hard to believe in oneself. BUT! I will try. I am trying. Be strong, focused and positive. I am working hard to open career possibilities and have to believe the universe will open itself to me.

Tell me what you want.....

2010-06-01T20:34:00.000-05:00

whatcha really really want.... are you singing along yet? Go Spice Girls Go! Laughing now?

I have the "really really want" taste in my mouth. I have seen a glimpse of my possible future. In a job. Oh yes. As one of those nutbars who needs to have a job that MEANS something and expresses themselves through it, this job is ideal. I saw the posting and honestly thought THIS JOB WAS MADE FOR ME!! It pulls my teaching, my work with the Dairy Farmers, with 4-H, my work on Boards and now my Volunteer Management Certificate into one lovely package. They NEED me. I can do this. The potential is so huge I almost salivate.

Some would be daunted and terrified at the sheer volume of possibilities. Not this cat! I itch to sit down and brain storm with the staff. To pick and poke their brains. Then to map out those possibilities and see what holds true potential. To create, rebuild, rejeuvenate and make this facility the jewel it really is. To have so much opportunity for positive creative impact makes me feel like a starving person who has laid eyes on a feast. One that would sustain for years and years.

Today in interview number two, I felt good vibes. Like the HR person was gunning on my behalf and like the Chairman wanted to offer it to me there. When I left and saw the next candidate in a suit I almost laughed. A suit? To tour the property of a working farm? Will he pet the goats? Feed the pigs or explore the straw area?? Ah. Now to find the patience to wait until word on Friday.

Let it be me
(this is not a fighting song)
Let it be me
(not a wrong for a wrong)
Let it be me
If the world is night
Shine my life like a light
-Indigo Girls-

Let it shine let it shine let it shine.....

2010-05-30T07:41:00.000-05:00

The sun, your inner light.... whatever!

I realized I am really living my own authentic dream. In a conversation yesterday I was asked "what job would you do if you could do anything?" The amazing part was that without thinking I immediately answered "what I am doing right now". Wow. Who knew! Funny how those gut motivated responses are so telling!

My dream job is so close. I am approaching job interview number two this week. From all the applications they got, I made it to first cut. Then to the finals.... Oh how I want this job. When I saw it I thought that this position encompassed all the jobs and experiences and connections I have made over the last decade. Reading this job ad I thought "this is MY job" but was hesitant to apply due to the title and how much managerial experience they had requested. Yet, encouraged by my professor I applied. And here I am. Approaching the challenge of getting a job which would be a goal I had set for myself.... a few years early at that!

It is a good scary feeling to be here. To possibly get what I want, but also to GET it! All the responsibility that goes with... oh my. So, I will wait and see how Tuesday goes. Who knows? I don't! What I do know is that my authentic self is expressing itself every day and shattering the surface of what was. I am evolving into the new me. It is not painless nor easy, but it makes me feel positive about the future in a way I have never ever been.

Opening of the doors

2010-05-22T20:50:00.000-05:00

Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls. ~Joseph Campbell

I wonder if perhaps this is what I feel happening now. I will not say my bliss is here, but I am getting there. Choosing to do a job that feels right, challenges me. Asking for more than just the status quo. Believing in possibility and trying to perhaps see the potential in myself the way I always do in others. It isnt easy, funny eh? Easier to see the potential and beauty in others instead of yourself...

But here I am. At a point where the doors are opening... how exciting yet so scary. A wrong step? Or perhaps a step in any direction is just a beginning. A possibility. Challenge. New set of opportunities for growth and learning.

So here I am. My head full of thoughts on the two jobs that I am looking towards. Which will it be? Both? Neither? What will come?

Who knows! What I am sure is that so many doors are opening in me, in my life, in my heart and soul.

Ways to Say Goodbye...

2010-05-18T07:52:00.000-05:00

There are so many ways to say goodbye, and reasons for saying it. There is the goodbye when your leaving is temporary and return is already arranged, the goodbye when your presence will be gone for some time, the goodbye to situations, the goodbye to what has passed and what is done... So many reasons, so many ways to use a word and so many ways to say it...

Annyeonghi Kyeseyo(if the person you're talking to isn't leaving) - Korean
Doviđenja - Croatian (litteraly means "Until we see again")
Namaste (same as hello) - Hindi
Sayonara / さよなら (if you will not see them for a long time) - Japanese
Tschau - German
Adios - Spanish

One common thread is that so many of the goodbye's across the languages have no sense of permanence. That the goodbye is forever. Adios/a demain/Bis Spater- til tomorrow! Hardly the goodbye of "never will I see you or this place again". Personally, hate goodbyes. Unless it is death I don't really believe that it IS forever. Even death, we are saying goodbye to what we have now to welcome a new stage in... one of holding that person deeper in us though not to have them on the physical plain.

I admit to avoiding goodbyes. Hate them. Even with bad situations, I try to take what I can from it -- the lessons if you will-- and close it. But is it ever goodbye as in permanent? Making it go away? NO! You have been touched and altered. So this thought on goodbye has lead me to the thinking on when is it time to say goodbye and let go to situations, jobs and people? To let go of what we have in the "now" and give it the freedom to settle and perhaps morph as the universe will have it, into something else? Be it as it will? I truly do not know. I wish I did sometimes! It is that conflict of head and heart. The wanting to hang on with your heart when your head says let go. Or holding on to the job (good example for me) because the sensible brain says it is smart.... when you heart has already jumped forward and moved on!

The quote "It takes great courage to grow up and become who you are" by ee cummings speaks to this. Being wise enough to listen more clearly to our hearts and our heads and balance them. To recognize that all the answers we have lie within us, and sometimes we must say goodbye to the now or the comfortable to move forward and be honest with who we are. Damn, I admit to this being hard! But, I feel closer to honesty and who I really am than ever before. I am better at recognizing when my head is being silly and trying to be safe in the moment, not who I really am (holding on to the security of that job!). Seems that listening to our heart is often what we do least of. We don't listen to it and are not honest to its need to say goodbye to certain things and step forward. We overthink, over-worry, place others expectations and needs ahead.

Opening ourselves to goodbye means opening ourselves to turning corners, taking paths unknown, and allowing the power of 'what will be' into our life. Scares the crap out of me. How about you? A demain... til tomorrow my friend.

Wise Words about Money

2010-05-16T08:37:00.003-05:00

Lesson 133: The Pursuit of Money (See Lessons from the Monk I Married link to the right)

The author of this blog says in this article "Everything in the world is energy. If you are waiting around to get the money you need to do what you want, you may be waiting forever. Do what makes you happy RIGHT NOW. If you are doing what makes you truly happy, chances are it will make others happy, too. Instead of running down the money-dead-end-street, you enter the pool of infinite exchange."

I could not agree more. When I started out as a teacher I felt this exchange of energy. The connection with those I helped to learn. I felt daily the sense of challenge, love of the exchange between learner and teacher, and the importance of my small impacts. As time passed, this dissapeared. It was replaced with the weight of finding that permanent position, the steady paycheck, benefits. That was when it all went in the crapper. I often blame the changes in the system, but you know what? This article made me rethink that. The system changes were only part of the bigger picture.

From there I pursued a passion of mine that resurfaced after over a decade of dormancy. The desire to make societal impact via non-profit work. As a job. This meant giving up the possibility of steady paycheck, pursuing that pension etc. When I finally got my foot in the door I felt as if the world opened up to me again. All this inner energy in me connected with the external. I felt passion for work, life, learning. The transition certainly was not financial! 3 days teaching would have netted me more $$ than a full week in current position. The thing is... I realize I DON'T CARE! I may like things, or security, or an image but when I stop I realize it really does NOT matter. I am just not one of those people.

This past year has connected me deeply to my inner wise woman, my crone! I feel more certain about who I am. Though there are times I feel the wavering self-esteem, I am able to recognize them and not necessarily soothe it but reason myself out of obsessing. Pursuing a useless path. I know happiness for me, lies within me. I can only hope my honesty of self, commitment to pursuing "real" will spark those around me to share the pleasure in the journey or begin their own. My ability to see the greatness in others, their harnessed potential, their inner light sometimes gives me dissapointment when people don't live up to their potential. But, I also realized very recently that one of my roles in this life is to provide the mirror for others to see this. If I think on the people I have affected by encouraging them in an artistic pursuit, to go after a specific job, to take a step towards something good for them personally... it makes me feel good. I have no ownership, no claim to fame. But I know I was a part of some small moment when a new possibility opened for them. SO for this reason, I will continue to see the best in people and ignore the potential for me to be dissapointed. I will look past their stuff, their trappings, their situation and see that deeper possibility and hold the light to it with only the wish that they too will see the wonderful person I do.

learning to fly

2010-05-10T18:32:00.001-05:00

" At the centre of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want". Lao Tzu

Wise words. I think we all know the answers deep down within ourselves if we are willing to hear the answer. What the answer is may not be one that is popular, safe or easy. It is however, one that will reflect your inner self and your desires. It makes me think of people who I admire for various reasons. Like Mother Theresa for her kindness, humility and generosity. She knew that anything that was to happen would start with her. Imagine being her family, having someone who gave themselves completely to others. She had nothing that most consider important, and yet we revere her. Why? Not just for the good she did. But for her ability to give completely of herself, to hear her own inner answer and live it.

So... I have been thinking about what my own inner answer is. I think it all boils down to "I do". I want to connect with people, learn from people, be a part of something and DO. What I do must reflect who I am, what I am. Its just the way I am. A colleague said to my "I have come to appreciate that you have only one face. You are who you are Krista. No faking". It was a compliment of the highest kind for me.

I am me. I am imperfect, and truly believe that my strengths are also equally weak in certain situations. I am a work in progress. I am trying. I am getting there. I am me.

As often as I seek out that 'perfect job' and tune up my resume. Work hard to get somewhere that I cannot see as of yet..... someone reminded me this morning it will come. It always does. And it is true. Even if I had the perfect resume for the perfect job and the perfect interview.... the reality might be less than perfect if it was not me reflected in all of those things. So I continue onwards being the flawed me working hard to be better. A student in life. Knowing that each experience has a lesson, and as much as I try -- the only things I can control are within myself.

Today, while the blossoms still cling to the vine....

2010-05-09T14:39:00.001-05:00

I awoke at 3:30am to my 5 yr old hollering "Mummy, can you snuggle me?". I stumbled out of bed carrying my pillow and snuggled in with her. When the REAL morning rolled around she kissed me and said "Happy Mother's Day Mummy, I love you". Ahhh. Now that is sweet. Have to smile despite not having slept that well for the last 4 hrs!

It has turned out to be a really wonderful day. My Dad actually came out and his wife too. My in-laws, and spouse's family and new little nephew came. My own brother was here, and a cousin came too. I had spent a good hour cooking wonderful muffins and an egg dish-- both which turned out fabulously well. Had a walk with the dog as they cooked. Tidied and cleaned. The world felt organized and nice. Having nice people here, good food, smiles..... all really really warm feeling. So good. Then, off to the first piano recital I have attended for my own child.

Now I sit here in the quiet house, smiling and thinking on just how much I love the people in my life. How in THIS moment, I am happy. Is all perfect? Hell no. But that is okay too! I am happy. Happy that my children are secure and loved. Happy that the sun is shining and plants are growing. Happy that I had the best Mother's day ever. Happy that I am a Mum even though there are DEFINATELY days that I think "what the hell was I thinking" when I decided to procreate!!

It has been such a good day. I can look at my own life with perspective today. Dream about possibilities, but be okay with possible realities.

I love this song. It sums up the way I feel about those I love, and the way I feel embraced by a few of my very special friends. Thank you. What a beautiful day.

Reality Bites

2010-05-05T12:35:00.000-05:00

When it rains, it pours. Just when you think you have had enough, more comes. murphy's law. All of the above seem to apply to me, making me reel.

As if questioning my place in my own life, my purpose, my path was not enough I struggle to balance the demands of the rest of my life. It is when I slow, crap happens. And it did. I had a feeling it was developing for a few days now. Personal stuff and work stuff. Can I just avoid it all??? This is what I would LIKE to do, but I won't. I demand honesty. I need it. I need to know to bare honest truth so that I can weigh it, take the lesson from it and move on.

I am managing that with work issues. Tough when what you deliver is YOURSELF. The reality of the work I do. When complaints come in, they are complaints about YOU, and they always boil down to the essence of who you are. I have been left thinking on whether intelligence, confidence, strong personality, strength, passion are fault or fabulous. My conclusion? Every strength is equally a weakness. Like the rules of relativity. So, can I change who I am? Should I? Should I be concerned with other's reactions to my efforts? As I dig my way through the muck and pain, I think it is a 50/50 thing. Yes, I should strip the stinging criticisms away, and look to the root. How can I improve? Be more accommodating? And learn from what did not work? This allows me to take the lesson and distance the strike at me personally. Isnt it funny how one person complaining can undo all the compliments received previously? Ahhhh. I am working hard to take the good lesson, leave the chaff. It is coming.

Personal stuff, never as clear cut. What is mine? What is theirs? Where am i in this whole thing and where are they? Good is relative to the reality in which you live.... one that you have carefully constructed! I need my honesty, nothing hidden... just straight goods no matter how hurtful. Most others are better knowing the truth, though not the brutal soul crushing parts. Funny that I am willing to take the soul crushing info in order to move forward. Yes unwilling to deliver it as it would stay with me forever. Some things better left unsaid. All I want is clarity.

Why is all this so hard? Is this part of what it means to work through your issues and move towards self awareness and higher consciousness? If so, it really is a shit go. I am sending all the positivity and love that IS within me and I know in time, it will come back. I will not stop loving, trying, striving, learning no matter the harshness of reality. Though, reality really bites sometimes.

Being Here Now

2010-05-03T09:22:00.000-05:00

I am in search of a way to be here, right now, and to be okay with the here and now. Today as I stumbled along doing the usual Monday morning requirements I thought of how hard it is to be in the now when it is not enjoyable. As I walk my kids to school I am completely in the now, enjoying there chatter and comments and the way the sun catching their faces. I was breathing in the smell of cool moisture on blossoming plants after a night rain. Everything was good. Easy to be there at that moment, right?

Then home to my office I walk. When work tasks pile up and I can plough through them and mark them as completed, I am in the now. I like to work. Partly because I have such a challenging job which forces me to engage personally and intellectually. To reach out to others. But when the work backs off in it's demands to where do I turn in the now?

Can I be still and happy? Not sure. Too much time with my thoughts I am learning is not a good thing. Perhaps because I know there are things I 'should' do and am not. This is one thing said to me by a therapist in the past. What happens when you slow down and do less? Hmmm. Not sure I want to know is the answer!

That said, what I do brings me to live in the here. Perhaps not the here that I might need to give attention to.... but the here and now of my children. The here and now of me learning and building a career I love. Trying to do what is right, make good choices. I know there are many things inside me I am not listening to or attending to, but sometimes we just can't. Sometimes we have to put others before our own here and now I think.

Those people you were meant to meet

2010-05-02T15:13:00.000-05:00

Have you ever met someone and knew it wasn't just a coincidence? That you were meant to meet. That you were actually tuning in to something that you couldn't quite understand fully with the limited capacity of the human mind

When opening my blog management page this statement jumped out at me from a blog I enjoy reading. Whoa. Do I ever. I happen to have this feeling that people come and bring lessons into our lives. Often the it is those people you just "know you were meant to meet". That pause seems to happen and you can recall meeting or a turning point from when the exchange between you marked a 'moment'.

Doesn't mean we are not affected by the less earth shaking entries into our lives. We all have friends, even family, acquaintances etc who are lovely and enrich our lives in some way. But they do not hold a significant space in the experiences that have shaped the 'I' of who you currently are. I am lucky, one of those people in my life I can freely say without fear of exposing them is my brother. We connect on an unusual level. That cementing moment when we at ages of 5 and 8, shook hands out in our backyard.... agreeing never to rat the other out to the parents. Always and cover each others back. Turned out to be a damn smart move. But also one that extended well into teenage years and beyond. He's go my back, I got his. He is always honest and to the core, and is able to piss me off more than I think anyone else in the world is capable! But, he gets it. He is the constant of my childhood and is there in many significant moments.

The two closest friends I had in 3rd year University when I lost my Mum were very important to who I became. One wrote me a poem about the "pen being mightier than the sword" and the other gave me a copy of Khalil Gibran's "The Prophet". They gave me space to share academia and ideas freely. They supported and gave love. Helped me in many wise ways and most importantly allowed me space to process the loss and accepted it. Those people were very important. Both came into my life coincidentally in a Lecture Hall at the U of W. No pre-planning. I recall hopping fences and coffee. Paused moments.

I think of my close friend who I met in Tburg. We came from similar family backgrounds, had kids the same ages, similar education. Met many times, yet it was a friendly conversation in an aisle at Shoppers which is the paused moment with her. The moment that the connect was there. This friend is one of the most amazing I have ever had because she gives equally to the friendship. She is loyal and honest and supportive beyond any friend I have met. She is amazing and makes me feel good about myself and our very cool friendship.

I think of the paused moments of others. A smile that connected through a car window. First hi. Someones smile you can always recall.

Or the moment I was finally able to hold my son for the first time and his tiny head fit under my chin and I could cup his diapered bum in one hand between my breasts. A pause. Bedtime snuggles with my sweet pea.

This year has been one of major changes, realizations, challenge and joy. Some really interesting people have helped me learn important lessons. My new job has been instrumental in some big realizations about who I am and my strengths balanced by my weaknesses. Each of these lessons came with a person.

One person's experience is not another's

2010-04-25T11:57:00.000-05:00

I listened to an incredible interview between Jian Ghomeshi and K'Naan the other night while driving home. You can watch it here....K'naan interview

I was struck by how much he embodied what an artist is. To be driven to do something because of what is in you. He said he is driven to write and make music because it is something that comes from within him. What hit me to the core was how he kept saying that he continues to seek the meaning of why. Why here? Why success? Why now? Amazed at his impact on others, yet he openly said the stories of others touch him but are not what he thinks of when he writes.

K'naan spoke on giving everything when performing and then feeling no warmth left afterwards. To need to re-collect. To some extent I completely understand this feeling when you do something with all that you are and then, you have nothing. I so strongly identified with this as everything I have ever done that has a feeling of success or 'right-ness' in the doing has left me with a sense of this. When I teach or present, I give a peice of myself. I am not able to half ass it, not able to just push a button for a job. I simply am driven to be who I am, express it, reach out and connect. A blessing. A curse.... who knows. It is.

His struggles with darkness and depression and anxiety, his struggle with to find its meaning and place in his life -- this struck me. More and more people are opening up about their own mental/internal demons and I am amazed how much we all share the same issues and concerns. What is most incredible about the interview is the beauty of K'naan's persona... a poet who contains his pain and experiences as a refugee etc by encapsulating it in music

Lyrics | Knaan lyrics - Take A Minute lyrics

What is your AWESOME!???

2010-04-23T09:55:00.000-05:00

http://1000awesomethings.com/the-top-1000/I had heard about the list and thought cool idea. Then my brother emailed me a link to one of the items he read and immediately thought of me about. I checked it out and laughed. Then I read on. It is addictive and I started chortling and laughing, then howling. All alone, by myself. Laughing. Love laughing aloud.

What struck me is that we all think we are so unique, and yet truly we are all so much the same taking pleasure from the same darn things. The little things. The crawling back into a warm bed after getting up to pee in the night (LOL!), the super dangerous playgrounds of our youth (we are all still here are we not?!), fresh line dried sheets..... I thought I could come up with a list of **10**

1. Feel of holding someones hand that fits just right in yours with no effort
2. Explaining something and having someone laugh with you part way through just getting it
3. The feeling of swimming in a lake with the smooth water sliding against your body
4. Reading a really good book and when you finish it you sigh and feel complete for a moment.
5. Laughing really really hard and long and being totally in the moment.
6. The feel of a cool toilet seat or bathroom floor when you are nauseated!!
7. Being hungry, not really knowing for what, choosing something and when you take that first bite and it is just perfect....
8. The little things people do that tell you they really understand you and when they do it or say it you feel so good and understood, or appreciated or 'seen'
9. Driving and having the perfect song for the moment on and the wind blowing and sun shining....
10. Dog greeting me when I come home and he is so damn happy to see me he is wiggling and snorting and being all ridiculous and you cannot help but laugh and smile!

So many little things! Peeing when you have been waiting for ages to go..... to gliding down a hill on a bike (sans helmet of course) and feeling the wind blow through your hair.... smell of my Dad's jacket when I was a kid that was part wool, part cigarette smoke, part cedar closet, part cologne.... smell of my daughter's clean sun warmed hair....

Smiling... are you?

I hate rules

2010-04-19T13:15:00.000-05:00

I think I have always hated them. As a child I remember being told not to do something and being filled with the overwhelming urge to do just that. Oh yes. I was an obstinate child. Guess what? I have a daughter equally this way, payback!

Rules confine, restrict and stop us. So often rules exist beyond reason. Remember when your parents told you not to 'rush the season' when it was 25 C in April and you wanted to wear shorts? I caught myself thinking this parental thought as my kids begged to wear shorts in April. I thought "what the hell!". I did however draw the line at getting the sprinkler out!

So back to rules. How often do we question them? Why do we need them? Are they black and white or able to encompass grey? Every day I get older the more and more I realize nothing seems to be black or white. What is bad in my life might be good in yours! Societal rules exist to keep us all in check and promote harmony. Honestly though, those that break them would probably break them whether they are there or not!

I wonder if our desire for rules and regulations and government policies and programs and and and.... doesn't stem from how disconnected we are becoming from one another. How we can go to the grocery store and not talk to another person beyond the cashier. Years ago you conversed with the butcher, borrowed from a neighbour, chatted at the mailbox. I live in a smallish town so I can have connectedness but as people get busier and busier even in small towns this is tough.

Obviously I think too much. I guess we do need rules, just not stupid ones! Not ones that are ambiguous or unfair. In my own life I have rules but think of them more as guiding principles. A few of them are:

1. Be polite. That means to everyone. It is a civility thing. (man, hate people who are rude to cashier, waitress etc.)

2. Be good to the earth as much as possible. So purchase less, recycle more. (can't buy yourself out of ecological crisis!)

3. Think of others, try to be empathetic and less judgemental. What works for one, might not for another. (what was black and white years ago is increasingly grey)

4. Do things with good intent and heart. (what you do might not turn out right, but if at least if you do it with good intent you will know this and be able to take away a lesson in the failure)

5. Be yourself. Even when others struggle with it, at least you are YOU! (you cannot change someone else, just yourself and hope you influence others positively)

6. Strive for authenticity, seek a true existence where you see yourself honestly. (hard hard hard. Don't be distracted from the shiny, the status, the lures. Find what is right for YOU).

7. Don't expect from others what they are not able to give. And when they disappoint you, recognize it is your own expectations that let you down. (this has been a really hard, but valuable, lesson for me)

8. Recognize that happiness is all around us at all times. It is just our own perceptions of reality that make it hard to let it in. (Can you ignore the ick and focus on the bright?)

9. Be kind. (to kids, animals, people, nature. Society is judged on how the most vulnerable are treated).

10. Instead of complaining, try changing it. (If you didnt vote, you don't get the right to complain. If you want a change, ask for it. Volunteer. Change yourself and help others follow)

2010-04-16T07:55:00.001-05:00

Isn't this the truth??

What the heck? Am I a teenager again?

2010-04-15T15:53:00.001-05:00

Angst, frustration, confusion. These seem to normal things everyone experience. Lately, I have been so busy I am close to forgetting to breathe! They say stress, combined with tension can lead to frustration and disappointment.

Interestingly enough.... I found directions online on just how to deal with my current teenager like set of feelings.....

Step 1

Lower your expectations.
Ummm... not likely. I am a go hard or go home, it is never okay to shoot for second best kinda gal.

Step 2

Accept life as it is. One thing is guaranteed in the game of life, you will be dealt a bad hand from time to time.
hmmm. Possible, but also unlikely. To accept life as it is means to give up dreaming, aspiring, growing. I accept what is happening right now, but I do not give up that I can change the next moment to something better. Hence, my frustration at feeling caught, impotent in making change and confused.

Step 3

Take nothing personally.
Hah hah. Put that up there with "constructive criticism". Criticism can be constructive but don't pretend it doesn't mean it won't hurt your feelings or put you in a tail spin.

Step 4

Take time to put the situation into perspective.
Okay, finally one I can do.... and I am trying to put it into perspective. Yet, here I remain.... frustrated, stalled in the status quo, struggling.

So what the heck? I feel like a teenager in that my emotions are all crazy. Like I have lost the ability to find perspective. That I question the feelings friends and family profess to have for me yet don't SHOW me. The whole actions speak louder than words is big for me. All I need are small things. Small efforts to show love, care, a bond.

Lower your expectations girl! This is what I should tell myself.

I am working on finding the way to tell people I care deeply about the way I really feel. How small efforts mean a lot to me. That I need to be reminded that you are there. I guess I really am high maintanence in a low maintenance costume.

SIGH

Running to Standing Still

2010-04-08T07:20:00.000-05:00

I recognize all to well that I move and do so that I able to not have to think. And those who know me would say "huh"?? I am never not thinking. When I sleep, I think. I awake with ideas.... When I am awake a million thoughts seem to flow through my brain though most go ignored! It is like sparks are being fired constantly and part of the reason I love interacting with people so much is that often they focus me into one or more of those sparks. Or start a new train of thought.

So what am I running from? Ah, the list is long. Just like the rest of you. Don't pretend you are not working well towards ignoring those hidden wounds, silent internal beasts or skeletons in the closet. How some people manage to live their lives so seemingly blissful in their lack of self-enlightenment amazes me. How I wish I did not know myself so well sometimes. And so I run, though my running is trying to be successful and "good enough" at what I do so that I may have all that chases me stand still.

How do people go through life unaware of their impact on others, their environment, their world? Able to feel no guilt, no responsibility to change? My own opinion is "what a shallow and bloody pointless existence!!!" but.... boy would it ever be easier. To blame failing marriages on others, situations beyond your control, but never your own failings. To say your child's misbehaviours are a result of society, school, and hardly your own parenting! Or to bitch and whine about society, social challenges, your situation within these and not make any effort to participate in democracy or not make a difference!

Running to stand still is not easy. But at least I am alive. I fuck up all the time. I am not right all the time. As much as I would like to think I am! I don't have the answers. I too am scared to make choices, to move forward. But at least I try. At least I am asking for more, striving towards something, dreaming big and planning the small steps towards those big dreams. My life is far from perfect, far from what I thought it would be--- but it is mine. And I'm still running.

You got to cry without weeping
Talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice
U2

Books above me and in me

2010-04-04T07:32:00.000-05:00

Such a Long Journey by Rohinton Mistry
Lamb by Christopher Moore
Pilgrim by Timothy Findlay
Barney's Version by Mordecai Richler
Time Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
An Equal Music by Vikram Seth
Soul Prints by Marc Gafni
All the Harry Potter books....
Soul Mates by Thomas Moore
The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berendt
The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver
Life of Pi by Yann Martel
Narnia series by C.S. Lewis
Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley

This is a selection of books within arms reach as I sit typing this post. I love books. A bookstore is my personal heaven. I could get lost in the shelves. As a child I would hide in a corner of our town library and just read. If I owned every book I had read I would be surrounded! I am a voracious reader. But I also have a policy for belongings... if you don't love it or if it is not useful, pass it on.

Each of the books were pointed out to me by different people, at different times in my life. Each with a different style or content. Fiction or non. Yet I could pick up any one of them at this second, sit down and become embraced by the story immediately. The list is not one of favorites or must reads. Just books I happen to have loved and read more than once or twice. How much I admire those who write fiction and weave characters, lives and experiences together in a way that captures us the reader. I have tried to write, but it all sounds like something I have read. I will stick to non-fiction I suppose. I think what people love and cherish from favourite music, to food, books, people ... tells us much about them. Perhaps I will formulate my own list of things I would like to know about all people I meet... I do know that one question would be to list the books on a shelf that they have read and why they kept them!

the luxury

2010-04-02T15:02:00.001-05:00

Ah, the luxury.
To lie on a couch as the sun spills through the window
Yet the room remains cool
Blanket covering my arms while toes are cool
Snoozing, Dozing, Sleeping.

I love feeling those stolen moments
Sleeping during the day
When you hear all that is going on around you
yet feel disconnected from it
just far enough away to float into the light sleep

waking for a moment and feeling the bonds of sleep still tight
relaxing again into the warmth of dozing
feels almost like being wrapped in arms and feeling collected in
ahhhhh

sadly when i wake up i feel disconnected and strange
and an hour later i can barely summon those warm sensations
yet i know how lovely they were

that time was like never, and like always.

2010-04-01T20:44:00.000-05:00

IV - Pablo Neruda

The last stanza spoke to me today as I leafed through a book of his poetry I had picked up.

That time was like never, and like always,
So we go there, where nothing is waiting;
we find everything waiting there.

Is this not the feeling we have when we are with people of significance? We are swept into the moment, the time ceases to exist and we are moved by how quickly and effortlessly the time goes. Yet, we marvel how that seems to always be the case with just those such people.

We love to go there with them, be they friends or family or significant others for to lose time is to free ourselves from the confines of life for a moment. With special people, those I smilingly refer to as "kindred spirits" we aim for nowhere, have no specific route and yet it all is well. Nothing needed but to be there. To centre, to focus. To simply be and be seen and heard. To sense and be sensed in that moment.

We cannot access that space on our own, not that space we created and shared with others but we can feel the glow of it remaining. Funny thing that time lost, place of nowhere, nothing that is something. The hearing of what is left unsaid.

Beautiful.

Wonderful that poets exist to string words together to create an expression and explanation of a moment otherwise inexplicable.

Reflections on professional growth

2010-03-28T07:12:00.000-05:00

After a month and a bit of being very busy, to the point of overbooked, a training event I did yesterday marked the end of the total madness! The event went well despite my reservations, and on the drive home I thought on recent issues that had arisen and what I had learned from them. Usually I let a few comments or feedback make me feel badly, but then I thought HEY! This is all new to me! I am trying, I am learning, I am developing. And there is nothing like a mistake to make you VERY aware of how you need to grow!

Here are a few of the 'realizations' I have come to since I started in this position over 10 months ago:

My intelligence comes off negatively at times.

It hurts not being liked and the line between professional and friends is a tough one to walk.

Change requires building a relationship before even BROACHING the subject!

You can set everything up right, create potential for success but people will still decide whether they want to get on board with you or not.

People only hear what they want to, even when they ask YOU!

Scapegoating is easy, we all do it and it is not productive.

It sucks being in the middle, hearing both sides, and having the sides look to you for feedback.

Our best asset is often our biggest liability/fault.

Less trying to fix and more trying to listen.

Sometimes it has to be smashed and not just broken before people believe what you say!!

Asking for what I need

2010-03-24T12:15:00.000-05:00

I was recently reading "Eat Pray Love" and was struck by her willingness to openly admit to being a gaping hole of emotional need. Well, she said it better of course but that was the jist of it. It hit me like someone had whacked me with the book itself!! Ow, what a painful thing to acknowledge and admit to. And why was it so significant to me??? I think that just maybe... I too am a gaping whole of emotional need.

The statement made me think about what it is I need. I am unsure if I can pinpoint it exactly but I so desperately need to be SEEN and seen for me. Connected with. Challenged. Accepted. But I also recognize that the things I believe in saying and doing for others are probably the very things I need to allow others to do for me.
i.e....
1. I believe in telling people the good things you are thinking about them. Why wait until they are dead or ill or gone to let those thoughts out!?? If they are beautiful, tell them. If their hug really caught you at just the right moment and made a difference, tell them. If you admire a skill or see bright potential in someone, tell them and encourage them. DON'T JUST THINK IT! Why are words so hard to say? Why are we so afraid to tell someone we love them? That they touch us in a magical way that brightens each day? Or that we admire them and are inspired by them? Because really, do you honestly think it will give them a swelled head? So often it is these people who rarely hear it because others assume they 'just know'!!

2. Shelter me, protect me, care for me. I am the giver. The one who worries about getting it done, supporting others, making it right for all. And yet it is so difficult to let someone else do this for me. As my brother and I have said, we brought each other and ourselves up. We are used to building our own strengths that allowing someone else in is terrifying!! I need to let my wall fall, let someone comfort me, and I need to let them do that. What a bloody challenge. Can't I just do it for everyone else?

3. Encouraging other's dreams. I try hard to support other people and friends dreams. To celebrate those dreams and maybe be a part of their 'people' who encourage them and change that dream into a goal. I love to hear other's ideas. I revel in their creativity. Marvel at their capabilities. Yet seem incapable of truly seeing my own. I am so damn critical. Feel lodged in a space where taking my dreams and forcing them out into planning mode is not possible. I need to see the potential in myself, that I see in others. My own unique light. Not just my weakness and failings. Can I manage? Oh man, don't know.

So what has all of this thinking taught me? I must admit that despite my incredible strength, management of personal challenges, and seeming 'having it togetherness' I am still desperately needy for those emotional foods from others yet I make it impossible to receive it. Fucked I know. And really, I think I am no different from many over-functioners and those who end their lives prematurely. I am a seeker and know I need more. I've never been one to just sit and take it as it comes or be cool with the status quo. I want more, know it is there. I know sometime I will get to a point where having too little will result in a choice to end it all or risk it all. This terrifies me but maybe if those around me give me the emotional food I need and I let them, maybe I will never reach that fork in the road and instead, will enjoy the trip instead.

Truth has a way of coming out

2010-03-19T21:35:00.001-05:00

The statement "truth has a way of coming out" was posed to me today. My response was to question to what they were referring. What truth did they mean? Truth is so multi layered, multifaceted. Wrapped in context and emotion. Often my fast and constantly whirring mind has ripped away the first few layers and delved deep only to find the other person remains at their surface while I plunder the lesson. Hence, my question to what truth they referred. Where were they leading me??

As a child, life is composed of truth and un-truths. As you age it seems that the space between the two poles grows wider and wider. You realize the importance of where someone stands in life when it comes to their vision of truth. Truth is less about a moral judgement, and more a decision based on the place someone stood in the moment the 'truth' was labelled.

I think in my life most things that happen are direct results of energy I project out into the world (partly why i am careful to look for the positive and good, it is what I want back!) and what the universe is willing to give me. Synchronicity or coincidences that happen are like little tests handed out to all of us. Will you admit the deepest truth or just the upper layers of this moment? Sometimes like an onion, we know that peeling each layer back will make tears fall and we simply cannot do it on that day. And so we turn from acknowledging the truth that is in front of us inherent in the coincidence. I think those times I refuse to act, to acknowledge or take action... this is when I make opportunities pass me by. Are we only cheating ourselves? Or we also cheat others around us by living less than authentically? By not being true to myself and learning as it comes, I am taking a backseat in life. Not driving. But sometimes we are afraid of the tears that fall as the onion sheds its layers. Terrified of what will remain. Too unsure of our own deepest needs to accept the lesson in that coincident and moment.

Coincidences are not accidents but signals from the universe which can guide us toward our true destiny ~ Deepak Chopra

How ready I am to be let in on just what that destiny is. Time to slow down, be less busy and listen to the inner voice. Be true. Busy is preoccupation. Preoccupation is a diversion. Diversions keep us from finding that truth and destiny. Coincidences are perhaps like road signs, yet when we are preoccupied with the map it is impossible to see the signs making accurate travel impossible anyway. We go nowhere important without looking around.

Insanity and what defines it

2010-03-18T21:14:00.000-05:00

Just saw the new Scorcese flick "Shutter Island". Well done plot, really starting to like that DiCaprio chap as he ages... (LOL!)

Not to give away the ending but what a great twist. If you take yourself out of the film and look at it somewhat academically, you can admire the way they portray the 'so crazy you are sane' edge. I like that. As someone who has dealt with others who clearly are delusional, it felt authentic. Made me ponder what reality is.... is it what physically happens or our perspective. Ahh you say, perspective is everything. But if perspective/perception is everything, then what is wrong with letting people live their fantasy. Of course ruling out harm. Why WOULD anyone want to medicate when their construct of reality allows them much more breadth and safety for their own psyche?

Are we any less guilty of this, albeit on a smaller scale? Our rationalizations of behaviour. Our explanations or excuses? All just a way to soothe that psyche and ego. Truly, how WOULD you know whether you are living in your reality or someone elses? Almost like living a parallel world. What proves we are alive? Our experiences.... but are experiences not just what happens and our take on it?

Ahh.... she IS crazy they mutter in the background....

what is the sound of settling?

2010-03-17T21:27:00.000-05:00

.... what is the sound you ask? I don't myself know but I imagine it differs for each person. I wonder at times whether I myself am settling. When reality forces me into the here and now, not where I feel my inner self leaning.

This question popped to my thoughts after listening to a song with that line in it. Perhaps the sound is different for each person. Willing to bet a huge majority are unwilling to even hear the sound. We have all done it and then clasped our hands to our ears (metaphorically speaking of course) and refused to admit it. As I type this I cannot help but wonder if the 'settling' so many of us do is what results in the oft talked about or blamed midlife crisis. Hmmm.

In the past 8 months or so I have put myself under a microscope for me to see my inner workings. Looked closely and cringed silently at times. Smiled happily also. Stood proudly. The result is that I am now standing here and no longer feeling less than whole for being who I am. If I intimidate you, that is your reaction and not me forcing that upon you. Should you take the moment to see me... open to me and not what you perceive you will feel my full warmth. I am beginning to see my own beauty amid the cracks and crevices and imperfect self.

Have I settled. For sure. In everything? No way. To settle is to never challenge yourself. To never try and never fail. Is settling a permanent state? I hope not. There are areas in which I have settled, and hope that as I gain wisdom and see my own path more clearly that I will be able to move away from simply settling... and take that active step towards something else.

Is it bad to settle? Nah. Not if you only do it sometimes. Not if to engage in one area you must settle in another. We cannot have it all at the same time. But we can have it all... I think just not on a time frame we set.

I want it all.... but I will take the pieces I have for now.

2010-03-14T09:53:00.001-05:00

I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing of what is everything, do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying. ~Charles C. Finn

Ahhh. How I love this quote. This is the difference between someone knowing you and truly seeing you. To your depths. Under all the layers, over the walls, and through the disguises. When you talk with the people who hear what you are not saying you sense it. It can be unnerving, for they see all of us. Not just that which we project. When we meet those "kindred spirits" as I like to think of them, they hear the words we say and feel those we do not.

I have a few of these people in my life. Interestingly, it is in the past year that I have added a few of these very special people who see me. We seek out each others perspective because their opinion is so valid, for they KNOW us. They often force us to see what we perhaps would not like to.

When in turmoil, when struggling.... it is these few people I turn to for advice. I am lucky that one of these people is my brother. He is one of those people who 'gets' it. Do I always like his perspective? No. Do I always appreciate it in the long run? Yes. Sometimes, it is small comments that set me spinning. Like his observation that since my personal re-discovery in the last year that I am back to being Krista once again. Krista + more. I am fully seated in myself again.

I hope so. But this path is scary. I so love and appreciate those that see and hear what I do not say. How rare these people are. It is their contact that redirect my path, provide me with a mirror on life. This quote is so applicable to me... the outgoing talker. I say much, but little of it is truly personal or exposing. It is what I do not say.....

Back after a long 'away'

2010-03-09T06:47:00.001-06:00

Work has been crazy busy, demands of life have stripped me of all my energy and most creative time. I did however, remember to bring my camera on my way to work the other day. It was a really beautiful morning in the country where the moisture from the previous day's melt had frozen in the air and deposited upon trees and hung in the air. It was magical looking. A part of me was mesmerized and felt it was like a fairy world!

It is moments like these that I am so glad I live in a small town and when I travel for work, it is largely through rural areas. So many people stuck in suburbia miss these small moments of great beauty. They miss feeling suspended in time while surrounded by nature. Moments of "slow".

Almost as though prompted, when I started reading a chapter in a book I have at my bedside, the article was on "slow" and "anti-consumerism". The people the article was about chose to live via a 4-4-4 method. Four hours for the labour that kept them alive and well, four hours towards a professional/personal goal, and four hours towards their community and social causes. It was not a disengagement with the outer world, but a living thoughtfully. Instead of whirling about, it was being decisive. I like it. It was inspiring to think about being more connected to the production of food and the items that sustain us. Planning time to do the socially engaging things that build community and connectedness and the time to do what our own talents and abilities drive us to do.

By allocating their time thus, it allowed them to be less dependent on the consumer economy and gave them the time to express-- not work. I so identify with these people. How little I care about the working for money except that money allows flexibility to do other things! Yet, the more I work, the less time I have to spend that money on art classes etc! I find it hard to fit in the community connections that I value, in addition to the work schedule and family. It is exactly this complicated balance that is the problem with modern society. What gives? Community connectedness. Shared social committment. People are just too busy.

Do I have the answer? Nope! But when I got my professional teaching magazine and read the employment stats on certified teachers I knew that my transition from a higher paid job, towards a lower paid highly satisfying job was worth it.

Explaining broken

2010-02-27T08:00:00.000-06:00

I imagine that everyone has felt broken at one time or another. Sometimes I think to be human means keeping all our pieces together the best we can and trying not to fall apart all at once. As I grow, open up to the life lessons around me I recognize I spin and spin and spin in hope of centripetal force keeping me together.

A question came to me the other day, "why do you pretend to be so strong when you are not?". It is not that I 'pretend' to be strong, because I AM STRONG. I have survived and risen above a lot. I continue on. But, I am human and fragile too. For all the strength I have, there are areas of fragility. We mask that. I mask that. Perhaps that is why I was asked why I pretend.

I cannot explain my cracks. I cannot explain the fault lines that have developed as a result of life. I don't really want to explain them as the doing of it forces the re-living of many of those "less than stellar" life experiences. But I welcome those who want to know me, to know me. I am open. Ask. I am always looking to change and grow.

Tattoos.... the addiction!

2010-02-24T08:41:00.000-06:00

When I got my first tattoo I was told that would be fine, but should I get a second it was game over. I would always want another. I scoffed. Then when I got my second tattoo over 10 years after the first I realized the truth in the statement.

I got my big and very personal 'piece' back in the late summer. It was UBER meaningful and even the pain of the tattoo seemed appropriate. And it did hurt as it is on my sternum and chest. I love my lily. It is completely mine as the tattoo itself was taken from a photo I had myself taken. When I went to have the colours touched up yesterday I realized how much I love the art of tattoos. They are so personal and what looks like a crap tattoo to me may be gorgeous to another. Not unlike art!

The touch up reminded me of the pain component. And yet after the touch up I want another even more. My chest burned as I drove home. My next tattoo desire burned in my mind. While sitting in the chair, chatting with the other artist in the room and his client I enjoyed the camraderie. None of us were real social deviants, yet the energy of pain, art, personal expression outside of truly accepted social boundaries was heady stuff.

What will the next be? The question is not so much what as where... I have long known the what, just the where becomes the issue. The guy who did my "piece" said the big step is when you decide to get a tat in a visible locale. A non-hideable place. I'm not ready to go there yet. But once I get to my professional goal, look out body!

Rules of Life -- As interpreted by me

2010-02-22T17:52:00.000-06:00

So as you probably can tell if you look at the dates on the other posts, I have been MIA for a while. Why you ask? Struggling to keep my head above water with work, kids, relationships... you know, LIFE BALANCE!

From the melee, I have learned a few things. One of them is that when life spins and gets busier and busier, I lose touch with myself. The more I lose touch with that inner me, the less I notice those synchronicities and it is increasingly difficult to access my creativity. I had a chance to get away for 2 days, and it was a real decompression. As I drove home I found myself thinking MY OWN thoughts and not those of work, kids or relationship. Oh it felt good. So now, how do I ensure I am not losing touch? I am figuring out THIS IS WHY PEOPLE MEDITATE!! AH HAH!

While away from the blog, I visited friends and read their books. One rather good and thought provoking one was "The Rules of Life" by Richard Templar. None of them were original, many of them were the kind of rules old fashioned mother's drilled into them. One that really struck me is "TOUCH BASE OFTEN". Base being the place where you feel loved, secure, safe and connected. Where you were before you got 'lost'. What struck me was that many of the identified bases were family related or childhood related. What about us who struggle with family relationships? Whose childhoods were less than stellar? What is the base? After thinking, ruminating and jotting notes it hit me. Touching base to me means remembering what I really do believe counts. Letting the quiet in. Being still and listening to that inner voice. For me "base" as a teen to adult has been a struggle. It has never been permanent-- always a transient thing. I feel almost proud to recognize I have evolved enough and accepted myself (which doesnt mean being resigned to what I am but accepting that I can always do better) to a point where I can understand my own role in my own choices and happiness.

Some I like and resonated:
Know what counts and what doesn’t. There are some things in this life that is important and a whole lot of things that aren’t

Dedicate your life to something. A yardstick to measure How and what I am doing and where I am going

It’s ok to feel big emotions

Staying young is trying out new tastes, new places to go, new styles

Only the good feel guilty

If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all

Prune your 'stuff' regularly

You are not in charge

Change what you can change, let go of the rest. Dedicate yourself personally to things you can change, areas where you can make a difference.

Aim to be the very best at everything you do, not the second best. Failing is fine. Aiming for the second best isn’t.

Know when to let go, when to walk away.

Maintain good manners in all things

www.antinomian.wordpress.com/2007/10/27/rules-of-life-by-richard-templar/

People We Meet

2010-02-12T18:51:00.000-06:00

I believe that people we meet come into our lives for a reason. Bring something to our existence, especially when we take time to get to know them. Some might say it is our 'vibration' at that time or place which has brought them into our orbit.

Lately I have been meeting people who seem to have a hidden fragility. A part that they are studiously trying to ignore, while they are fully aware of it. Perhaps this is the world's way of forcing me to look at my own space right now. I have let myself get too busy, too unfocused, to much out of myself. I am not 'feeling' as many connections or synchronicities in my day to day life. A sure indication I am over functioning I think. Are these people crossing my paths because they make me want to reach out and wrap myself around them? To stop and heal them? And in this stopping and healing that I may too find my own stillness? Hmmm.

The other side of it could be that these people may be showing me what life is when you just 'take it as it comes' and don't push forward through challenges. I know I never want to just ride it, but want to live it. When I was so needy myself in the fall, strong people seemed to be around me. I think at this moment it is my place to reach out and touch.

A few new people I have met have given me very new and different perspectives on life. In a way they even acted as a mirror, showing me that yes-- these choices I have made ARE right for me.

People act as mirrors of self, people deliver lessons, people open up opportunities for growth. I want to experience fully. I am trying to slow, lighten my load, focus my energy. Hope my energy attracts someone to guide me, 'cause I have NO idea how to do it on my own! Maybe this is what is unfolding right now. I almost feel like there is a curve in the road with a change in direction ahead.

Tally Ho!

World of words....

2010-02-10T09:42:00.000-06:00

Words surround us in our world. Modern world is so based on literacy. I often wonder how it feels for my children to gradually feel immersion in the words of society as their reading skills develop. For items and signs and miscellaneous to go from jumbled letters to cohesive information.

How I love words. Always was great at spelling. And as someone who watched little TV as a child, I read. Extensively. Like, Jane Eyre at age 11. Nope, didnt understand Rochester's affair and the wife on the roof thing....

As a poetry activity I was working on it asked me to list and maintain a list of words I like. Funny how some words roll and resonate on our tongues, while others trip as they stumble out of our mouths.

Words I love the sound of that come to mind right now....

AQUIESCE SOLILOQUY CRYSTALLINE ASININE PEON
PARTAKE ARTIFICE HAPPENSTANCE APROPOS PERCHANCE
AQUILINE TURQUOISE ERSTWHILE CRUSTACEAN F**K (sorry, it just is)
VERMILLION DIAPHANOUS LITHE MELLIFLUOUS
MONGREL PLETHORA CHARD SURREPTITIOUS

Those are just the ones that pop to mind.... funny. Weird. How do we use them? The irony? I would use some of these in day to day. Peon is a favorite when referring (somewhat rudely) to those who fail to meet my intelligence standards (snotty, I know!). Then there is lithe... ah, bodies. Perchance, I just plain like. Diaphanous is a fabric that flows just so, like that of lingerie, wrapping you in delicate luxury. Plethora, there are always a plethora of choices at each corner we come to. Asinine? Who doesnt think there are those who give this type of answer to a question you ask and you'd like to throttle them?? How I wish I could use mellifluous regularly, it sounds as it means.... and crystalline is a winter snow word for those sunny sparkly snow days. Aquiline noses, and the artifices we women pursue with makeup daily....

Ah, words. The beauty of writing, saying, playing.

General Grievous....

2010-02-10T09:24:00.000-06:00

Oh the wonderings.... I always have thought that with the birth of each child we should sprout a spare arm. Sure would come in handy. Then when they get to a certain age, they can shrink. Think tadpole here. I told my son this when commenting that he needed to be patient, I only had two hands. His response? I needed to be like General Greivous (sp?) from Star Wars. Why? Because General Grievous has 4 arms. He can fight with two, I was informed, and still has two left over! Well, apparently I am just needing to get up to Star Wars standards....

As long as there are no requirements to wear Princess Leia outfits, I suppose I am safe for now...

Star light, Star bright, first star I see tonight....

2010-02-09T10:58:00.000-06:00

Often I drive home from work related events at night. While driving can be a bore, it can also give me many gifts. The gift of uninterrupted thoughts, long stretches of music chosen by myself and accompanied by my own voice.... (no complaints from the backseat!) and many beautiful sunsets or star filled nights.

Last week it struck me as I went down a concession, a rural area where the night as mostly unobstructed by the usual light pollution. I had a sudden urge to lay in the snow the way I did as a child in a snow suit. To feel the cold seep into my bones and look upwards at the sky. To feel like i was captured under a sphere of stars, and then to expand my mind and puzzle that I could reach reach reach and never touch an end, for to touch an end would mean something would be beyond that end.....

Far from here
You are and here I am
gazing
Bathing in your glittering light
reflected back off crystal snow
as though diamonds littered the field
crisp light against the dark of wintry night sky
cloudless as a clean slate
Years have passed under you
steady you remain

People Will Love You, People Will Hate You.

2010-02-04T14:51:00.000-06:00

And none of it will have anything to do with you.

*** So true. This struck a chord deep within me. When we love or hate someone, it is a choice we make as an individual. When we make this choice, what the subject of our love does often is just a part of it. So in turn, people may love us or not... but we cannot force or compel them to do either. They choose their reaction to us.

Another quote I recently got via Twitter was "When you judge another, you do not define them-- you define yourself". It relates to the first quote. We cannot choose how others behave, but we can choose our reactions and judgements. Perhaps just the suspension of judgement allows us to evolve a little more.

Think on. Keep questioning. Find that inner you.

Manners... PLEASE!

2010-02-04T14:41:00.000-06:00

As I get older, I realize more and more the impact my Mother has had on me. One of those areas is manners. Such an underrated, but clearly essential skill. From a young age, we were taught how to eat with knife and fork and at a formal table setting. I was lectured on "sitting like a lady" and being lady-like. (stop laughing you!) We were coached on how to politely greet adults, and when as children we were permitted to engage with adults. Sometimes I am gobsmacked by our society's all out lack of manners. It is simple things like taking out earbuds when speaking with someone, not looking people in the eye when talking to them, calling adults Mr. or Mrs. and not assuming a first name will suffice.

I admit, I am lax with my own kids about some things. Dinner table manners are somewhat looser, though we do sit as a family for meals. It is when little things add up that I wonder just "where the heck did these people grow up!!??" Which, is a very class-based assumption, I admit. But, as my Mum always said.... being classy does not cost you anything. Ask anyone who knew me as a child, first comment will likely be what a lovely and polite child I was. We were coached on how to act within social circles of old money beyond our own social standing. Now that old money is no big deal, I am finding the more affluent members of society are ruder and ruder. Weird. I can almost hear my mother scoff "nouveau riche!".

So my simple rules that I wish everyone followed....
1. Be on time, or call if you cannot be on time.
2. Be your word, keep your word. Bring back personal responsibility.
3. Say please and thank you, even to cashiers.
4. Hold the door for others.
5. Don't make a scene in a restaurant when something goes wrong. Understand everyone makes mistakes.
6. Identify yourself when you call, even if you think the other person knows it is you.
7. DO NOT TALK TO ME when you have ear buds in!
8. Call your elders by Mr or Mrs until invited to do otherwise. Extend respect.
9. Do not make assumptions about who pays for meals etc. Always offer to cover your part regardless.
10. Be kind and follow the golden rule when possible.

Winter Grey, Not Winter Blues!

2010-02-02T14:29:00.001-06:00

It never ceases to amaze me how we can become consumed with the day to day duties of life. The running of a household, keeping on top of work, trying to be a good spouse/parent. There are enough 'things' to keep you busy, moving and occupied. And no matter how hard I try to fill the mid-winter blue and irritable space in me with mindless duties..... it creeps back in.

The thing about anxiety and depression is that it is a part of you that is always there. You can be happy, enjoying a moment and that component of you is quelled. For now. All can be going splendidly but if you are quiet... within that solitude also creeps that darkness. Darkness is always within, always there. It is a force difficult to describe. When it rears up, it is like a too tight neckline chafing and irritating. You KNOW you can take it off, but the irritation has already started. And when you do, it transfers itself to a tag in your pants... you can never eliminate it.

The hardest part? The self-recriminations, assault of failures and questions of future success. It is no wonder when the beast creeps in we want to sleep. Just close our eyes and drift somewhere else, hoping that when we awake it will be better. For those of us who are all too aware of our psyche, we balance our 'academic knowledge' of it being an ever changing thing with the current and pressing reality.

For me the hard part? I am a deeply positive person and believe in others, the world and the ability of things to generally turn out well. I see opportunities for others and delight in the happiness around me. Yet for some weird reason I am terrified to let to much in. Perhaps for fear that I will get used to it only to have it ripped out from under me again....

I think my life challenge is learning to deal with this deep anxiety and doubt within me, allow it to question but not rule my life. To learn to see in myself what good others see. Truly I don't see it, and because i am a tough cookie and a giver most people never think to tell me they love, appreciate, miss, or want me. And I try never to NOT say these to those I care about. I suppose, I give others what I myself want as I struggle in the dark winter months. I give others the encouragement, the ego supporting feedback and the expressions of caring. I know it is there for me, I just need to remind myself to OPEN THE DOOR!