And I am but a faded rainbow

Your absence has gone through me 

Like thread through a needle. 

Everything I do is stitched with its color.” 

― W.S. Merwin

How true this quote is. I am lonely.  Though not "technically" alone, I find myself back in the space where I was almost 4 years ago. Too much lonely space in an outwardly busy appearing life. It seems rather odd to be lonely feeling at this time of year where the sun shines bright and long, and the colours of nature are at their richest.  Life has its own path despite all our efforts to mould the path and direction.

The colours woven through me from the hands of fiends and lovers is what makes me unique, I suppose. I find lately there is a tinge of regret and perhaps longing that goes alongside of my "lonely".  A condiment that enhances my experience of the loneliness, ranging from sweet to bitter.  As I stand at this point, I just want to give in and up. Let be what will be. Then again, that's really just a way of defeating and sentencing the situation to a death. Guess I'm tired. Too much of a realist. Saddened by the fading thread colours and hoping that fading doesn't mean lacklustre.

After all, isn't it better to burn out than fade away?

As time goes by

...Every day you get older, that same day is a lesser percentage of your life.  Strange thought.  Remember being that kid, watching the clock at school slowly tick tick tick.... as you waiting through the seemingly endless minutes until the end of day.  Or recess. Or Friday. 

Then you become an adult.  In this day and age that seems to mean rush here, there and everywhere.  Endeavor to get it all done, balance this with that and do it ALL without dropping the ball.  Ha.  Dropping the ball is inevitable at some point - hopefully you are resiliant enough to withstand the impact.

Summer is finally here, the programs I oversee are up and running, staff are trained and working away and hopefully, I can now catch my breath.  There is something reassuring about being uber-busy, the reassuring part is that you are too busy or too tired to worry about the less stable components of your aka- personal stuff.

While time is great at healing wounds, it also plays tricks on us.  Smoothing over the less than perfect parts and highlighting the good stuff.  This happens with friendships, past intimate relationships, or even with work stuff.  Why is it that being AWARE of this does not diminish its strength!

I have let time go by, and while I know that perhaps these friendships are better left in the past I still feel unsettled about them.  Like that relationship was a book where I left the last chapter unread.  Closed hastily with a temporary page marker shoved in.  My expectations are few, if any, should I reconnect and revisit the novel of my past.  Who I am today is a wiser person.  Yet, that wiser person still wishes for closure and confirmation. 

Time may go by.  Memories may fade while other become changed as we recall them.  People come, people go.  Some leave an indelible mark.  Others footprints are simply blown away by the breeze.  I know I should not need any confirmation of the impact- I feel it almost daily.  Guess its the proof that we humans are imperfect at best.  And no amount of time will change that very real fact.