Explaining broken

I imagine that everyone has felt broken at one time or another. Sometimes I think to be human means keeping all our pieces together the best we can and trying not to fall apart all at once. As I grow, open up to the life lessons around me I recognize I spin and spin and spin in hope of centripetal force keeping me together.

A question came to me the other day, "why do you pretend to be so strong when you are not?". It is not that I 'pretend' to be strong, because I AM STRONG. I have survived and risen above a lot. I continue on. But, I am human and fragile too. For all the strength I have, there are areas of fragility. We mask that. I mask that. Perhaps that is why I was asked why I pretend.

I cannot explain my cracks. I cannot explain the fault lines that have developed as a result of life. I don't really want to explain them as the doing of it forces the re-living of many of those "less than stellar" life experiences. But I welcome those who want to know me, to know me. I am open. Ask. I am always looking to change and grow.

Tattoos.... the addiction!

When I got my first tattoo I was told that would be fine, but should I get a second it was game over. I would always want another. I scoffed. Then when I got my second tattoo over 10 years after the first I realized the truth in the statement.

I got my big and very personal 'piece' back in the late summer. It was UBER meaningful and even the pain of the tattoo seemed appropriate. And it did hurt as it is on my sternum and chest. I love my lily. It is completely mine as the tattoo itself was taken from a photo I had myself taken. When I went to have the colours touched up yesterday I realized how much I love the art of tattoos. They are so personal and what looks like a crap tattoo to me may be gorgeous to another. Not unlike art!

The touch up reminded me of the pain component. And yet after the touch up I want another even more. My chest burned as I drove home. My next tattoo desire burned in my mind. While sitting in the chair, chatting with the other artist in the room and his client I enjoyed the camraderie. None of us were real social deviants, yet the energy of pain, art, personal expression outside of truly accepted social boundaries was heady stuff.

What will the next be? The question is not so much what as where... I have long known the what, just the where becomes the issue. The guy who did my "piece" said the big step is when you decide to get a tat in a visible locale. A non-hideable place. I'm not ready to go there yet. But once I get to my professional goal, look out body!

Rules of Life -- As interpreted by me

So as you probably can tell if you look at the dates on the other posts, I have been MIA for a while. Why you ask? Struggling to keep my head above water with work, kids, relationships... you know, LIFE BALANCE!

From the melee, I have learned a few things. One of them is that when life spins and gets busier and busier, I lose touch with myself. The more I lose touch with that inner me, the less I notice those synchronicities and it is increasingly difficult to access my creativity. I had a chance to get away for 2 days, and it was a real decompression. As I drove home I found myself thinking MY OWN thoughts and not those of work, kids or relationship. Oh it felt good. So now, how do I ensure I am not losing touch? I am figuring out THIS IS WHY PEOPLE MEDITATE!! AH HAH!

While away from the blog, I visited friends and read their books. One rather good and thought provoking one was "The Rules of Life" by Richard Templar. None of them were original, many of them were the kind of rules old fashioned mother's drilled into them. One that really struck me is "TOUCH BASE OFTEN". Base being the place where you feel loved, secure, safe and connected. Where you were before you got 'lost'. What struck me was that many of the identified bases were family related or childhood related. What about us who struggle with family relationships? Whose childhoods were less than stellar? What is the base? After thinking, ruminating and jotting notes it hit me. Touching base to me means remembering what I really do believe counts. Letting the quiet in. Being still and listening to that inner voice. For me "base" as a teen to adult has been a struggle. It has never been permanent-- always a transient thing. I feel almost proud to recognize I have evolved enough and accepted myself (which doesnt mean being resigned to what I am but accepting that I can always do better) to a point where I can understand my own role in my own choices and happiness.

Some I like and resonated:
Know what counts and what doesn’t. There are some things in this life that is important and a whole lot of things that aren’t

Dedicate your life to something. A yardstick to measure How and what I am doing and where I am going

It’s ok to feel big emotions

Staying young is trying out new tastes, new places to go, new styles

Only the good feel guilty

If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all

Prune your 'stuff' regularly

You are not in charge

Change what you can change, let go of the rest. Dedicate yourself personally to things you can change, areas where you can make a difference.

Aim to be the very best at everything you do, not the second best. Failing is fine. Aiming for the second best isn’t.

Know when to let go, when to walk away.

Maintain good manners in all things

www.antinomian.wordpress.com/2007/10/27/rules-of-life-by-richard-templar/

People We Meet

I believe that people we meet come into our lives for a reason. Bring something to our existence, especially when we take time to get to know them. Some might say it is our 'vibration' at that time or place which has brought them into our orbit.

Lately I have been meeting people who seem to have a hidden fragility. A part that they are studiously trying to ignore, while they are fully aware of it. Perhaps this is the world's way of forcing me to look at my own space right now. I have let myself get too busy, too unfocused, to much out of myself. I am not 'feeling' as many connections or synchronicities in my day to day life. A sure indication I am over functioning I think. Are these people crossing my paths because they make me want to reach out and wrap myself around them? To stop and heal them? And in this stopping and healing that I may too find my own stillness? Hmmm.

The other side of it could be that these people may be showing me what life is when you just 'take it as it comes' and don't push forward through challenges. I know I never want to just ride it, but want to live it. When I was so needy myself in the fall, strong people seemed to be around me. I think at this moment it is my place to reach out and touch.

A few new people I have met have given me very new and different perspectives on life. In a way they even acted as a mirror, showing me that yes-- these choices I have made ARE right for me.

People act as mirrors of self, people deliver lessons, people open up opportunities for growth. I want to experience fully. I am trying to slow, lighten my load, focus my energy. Hope my energy attracts someone to guide me, 'cause I have NO idea how to do it on my own! Maybe this is what is unfolding right now. I almost feel like there is a curve in the road with a change in direction ahead.

Tally Ho!

World of words....

Words surround us in our world. Modern world is so based on literacy. I often wonder how it feels for my children to gradually feel immersion in the words of society as their reading skills develop. For items and signs and miscellaneous to go from jumbled letters to cohesive information.

How I love words. Always was great at spelling. And as someone who watched little TV as a child, I read. Extensively. Like, Jane Eyre at age 11. Nope, didnt understand Rochester's affair and the wife on the roof thing....

As a poetry activity I was working on it asked me to list and maintain a list of words I like. Funny how some words roll and resonate on our tongues, while others trip as they stumble out of our mouths.

Words I love the sound of that come to mind right now....

AQUIESCE SOLILOQUY CRYSTALLINE ASININE PEON
PARTAKE ARTIFICE HAPPENSTANCE APROPOS PERCHANCE
AQUILINE TURQUOISE ERSTWHILE CRUSTACEAN F**K (sorry, it just is)
VERMILLION DIAPHANOUS LITHE MELLIFLUOUS
MONGREL PLETHORA CHARD SURREPTITIOUS

Those are just the ones that pop to mind.... funny. Weird. How do we use them? The irony? I would use some of these in day to day. Peon is a favorite when referring (somewhat rudely) to those who fail to meet my intelligence standards (snotty, I know!). Then there is lithe... ah, bodies. Perchance, I just plain like. Diaphanous is a fabric that flows just so, like that of lingerie, wrapping you in delicate luxury. Plethora, there are always a plethora of choices at each corner we come to. Asinine? Who doesnt think there are those who give this type of answer to a question you ask and you'd like to throttle them?? How I wish I could use mellifluous regularly, it sounds as it means.... and crystalline is a winter snow word for those sunny sparkly snow days. Aquiline noses, and the artifices we women pursue with makeup daily....

Ah, words. The beauty of writing, saying, playing.

General Grievous....

Oh the wonderings.... I always have thought that with the birth of each child we should sprout a spare arm. Sure would come in handy. Then when they get to a certain age, they can shrink. Think tadpole here. I told my son this when commenting that he needed to be patient, I only had two hands. His response? I needed to be like General Greivous (sp?) from Star Wars. Why? Because General Grievous has 4 arms. He can fight with two, I was informed, and still has two left over! Well, apparently I am just needing to get up to Star Wars standards....

As long as there are no requirements to wear Princess Leia outfits, I suppose I am safe for now...

Star light, Star bright, first star I see tonight....

Often I drive home from work related events at night. While driving can be a bore, it can also give me many gifts. The gift of uninterrupted thoughts, long stretches of music chosen by myself and accompanied by my own voice.... (no complaints from the backseat!) and many beautiful sunsets or star filled nights.

Last week it struck me as I went down a concession, a rural area where the night as mostly unobstructed by the usual light pollution. I had a sudden urge to lay in the snow the way I did as a child in a snow suit. To feel the cold seep into my bones and look upwards at the sky. To feel like i was captured under a sphere of stars, and then to expand my mind and puzzle that I could reach reach reach and never touch an end, for to touch an end would mean something would be beyond that end.....

Far from here
You are and here I am
gazing
Bathing in your glittering light
reflected back off crystal snow
as though diamonds littered the field
crisp light against the dark of wintry night sky
cloudless as a clean slate
Years have passed under you
steady you remain

People Will Love You, People Will Hate You.

And none of it will have anything to do with you.

*** So true. This struck a chord deep within me. When we love or hate someone, it is a choice we make as an individual. When we make this choice, what the subject of our love does often is just a part of it. So in turn, people may love us or not... but we cannot force or compel them to do either. They choose their reaction to us.

Another quote I recently got via Twitter was "When you judge another, you do not define them-- you define yourself". It relates to the first quote. We cannot choose how others behave, but we can choose our reactions and judgements. Perhaps just the suspension of judgement allows us to evolve a little more.

Think on. Keep questioning. Find that inner you.

Manners... PLEASE!

As I get older, I realize more and more the impact my Mother has had on me. One of those areas is manners. Such an underrated, but clearly essential skill. From a young age, we were taught how to eat with knife and fork and at a formal table setting. I was lectured on "sitting like a lady" and being lady-like. (stop laughing you!) We were coached on how to politely greet adults, and when as children we were permitted to engage with adults. Sometimes I am gobsmacked by our society's all out lack of manners. It is simple things like taking out earbuds when speaking with someone, not looking people in the eye when talking to them, calling adults Mr. or Mrs. and not assuming a first name will suffice.

I admit, I am lax with my own kids about some things. Dinner table manners are somewhat looser, though we do sit as a family for meals. It is when little things add up that I wonder just "where the heck did these people grow up!!??" Which, is a very class-based assumption, I admit. But, as my Mum always said.... being classy does not cost you anything. Ask anyone who knew me as a child, first comment will likely be what a lovely and polite child I was. We were coached on how to act within social circles of old money beyond our own social standing. Now that old money is no big deal, I am finding the more affluent members of society are ruder and ruder. Weird. I can almost hear my mother scoff "nouveau riche!".

So my simple rules that I wish everyone followed....
1. Be on time, or call if you cannot be on time.
2. Be your word, keep your word. Bring back personal responsibility.
3. Say please and thank you, even to cashiers.
4. Hold the door for others.
5. Don't make a scene in a restaurant when something goes wrong. Understand everyone makes mistakes.
6. Identify yourself when you call, even if you think the other person knows it is you.
7. DO NOT TALK TO ME when you have ear buds in!
8. Call your elders by Mr or Mrs until invited to do otherwise. Extend respect.
9. Do not make assumptions about who pays for meals etc. Always offer to cover your part regardless.
10. Be kind and follow the golden rule when possible.

Winter Grey, Not Winter Blues!

It never ceases to amaze me how we can become consumed with the day to day duties of life. The running of a household, keeping on top of work, trying to be a good spouse/parent. There are enough 'things' to keep you busy, moving and occupied. And no matter how hard I try to fill the mid-winter blue and irritable space in me with mindless duties..... it creeps back in.

The thing about anxiety and depression is that it is a part of you that is always there. You can be happy, enjoying a moment and that component of you is quelled. For now. All can be going splendidly but if you are quiet... within that solitude also creeps that darkness. Darkness is always within, always there. It is a force difficult to describe. When it rears up, it is like a too tight neckline chafing and irritating. You KNOW you can take it off, but the irritation has already started. And when you do, it transfers itself to a tag in your pants... you can never eliminate it.

The hardest part? The self-recriminations, assault of failures and questions of future success. It is no wonder when the beast creeps in we want to sleep. Just close our eyes and drift somewhere else, hoping that when we awake it will be better. For those of us who are all too aware of our psyche, we balance our 'academic knowledge' of it being an ever changing thing with the current and pressing reality.

For me the hard part? I am a deeply positive person and believe in others, the world and the ability of things to generally turn out well. I see opportunities for others and delight in the happiness around me. Yet for some weird reason I am terrified to let to much in. Perhaps for fear that I will get used to it only to have it ripped out from under me again....

I think my life challenge is learning to deal with this deep anxiety and doubt within me, allow it to question but not rule my life. To learn to see in myself what good others see. Truly I don't see it, and because i am a tough cookie and a giver most people never think to tell me they love, appreciate, miss, or want me. And I try never to NOT say these to those I care about. I suppose, I give others what I myself want as I struggle in the dark winter months. I give others the encouragement, the ego supporting feedback and the expressions of caring. I know it is there for me, I just need to remind myself to OPEN THE DOOR!